So I've taken some time to ponder my previous posts and consider some of the advice I've been given from a few of you. I've also spoken with a fellow Christian AA member with whom I am very close. My work schedule completely blew away my chances to get to meetings as the only time I been off before 8 this week was when I had my daughter so I have not had the opportunity to speak at length with my sponsor. I've been reading through the AA book and thinking about what I've heard at the meetings from other members.
So, what I can say about me is that pre-sobriety, I was an arrogant ass, though that has only come to realization since becoming sober. I was also an arrogant ass before alcohol became a factor in my life. It stands to reason that giving my life to God and sobriety may not completely eliminate that character trait immediately.
However, I think one major difference in myself and many of the members I've spoken with is the order in which they became sober/submitted to their HP. AA wasn't a thought in my head until after I submitted myself to God and even then, not ever drinking again wasn't my priority. It was only after my spiritual journey began that my I began to realize my alcoholism, thus God is the center of my life and AA is just one of the spiritual tools that he has provided me to follow His will for me. In other words, for many of you, staying sober is your #1 priority and that is absolutely OK, but my priority is pleasing God. I'm not implying that anyone else's priorities are wrong, I'm ONLY referring to myself the path that I am taking.
Looking over the 12 Steps, it is obvious that they are built on spiritual principles. For me to please God, I must focus on spiritual growth, and spiritual growth is undoubtedly intertwined in the 12 Steps, just maybe not in that order. My spiritual walk takes me to the same destination as the 12 steps, but on a somewhat different path. Maybe if I was focused first on sobriety, I would be more inclined to focus on the 12 Steps, but, I don't know. I can't tell anyone what path they should take, but every time I began to doubt the path I'm on, I pray and ask God to direct me and something happens that encourages to continue on my path.
For example, I'm sure you remember me speaking of the Love Dare with my wife. If you don't know what it is, look it up before you judge it. It may not be what you think it is. The first three days were horrible. She made threats and was just uncharacteristically nasty.... not that I blame her for what I did to her. We had not spoken in over a month (the day she left) and what little communication was usually in very short, direct text that she initiated. After the threats, I did not hear any responses for a week until yesterday. She and I had a brief conversation and she expressed gratitude for that days dare (she doesn't know about the dare though). There was no talk about us, no talk about divorce or me signing papers... just a nice thank you.
That is a lot of progress in a week. It doesn't mean we will get back together, but it was a positive step indicating that in the future, we may be able to have a little longer conversation.
But the Love Dare for me is not a means to get my wife back... it's about being me being obedient to God. Before you criticize it, Google it, spend some time understanding it's purpose and how it's based on the command that Husbands are supposed to love their wife's unconditionally.
While the response from my wife was great, it was not the goal of the dares. The dare is about my walk with Christ and the first 10 days have been amazing. Now that may seem selfish to some that my wife is a tool in my spiritual growth, but if my becoming the man God wants me to be results in becoming the man the my wife needs and deserves, then it's not so selfish after all.
I'm not preaching or suggesting that what any of you are doing is wrong.. or right for that matter. By no means am I telling you that you have to do what I'm doing to stay sober. I'm simply sharing with you what is working for me. I'm sharing with you how this alcoholic's life is changing.
But I also understand that this is an AA forum and many of my post get more into the more private areas of my life and spiritual walk. It was not my intention to offend anyone. If I did, then I sincerely apologize.
-- Edited by Mad_Jasper on Saturday 26th of March 2011 12:50:07 PM
-- Edited by Mad_Jasper on Saturday 26th of March 2011 12:51:23 PM
-- Edited by Mad_Jasper on Saturday 26th of March 2011 12:53:26 PM
Aloha MJ and hold on to the concerns because as for me my concerns keep me awake and aware. I have a refrigerator post that reads "Nothing has any meaning save the meaning you give it. This can change your entire experience of life. Repeat this quietly in your mind at any moment of stress or upset: Nothing has any meaning save the meaning I give it." You have a perspective and belief and behavior and it is genuinely from your choices. That you are walking your talk is important for you and it is working for you. If you feel judged and if I have been a part of having you feel that way I apologize cause that is never my intent tho like my elder sponsor reminded me, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions".
My journey is all HP directed and motivated. Somewhat like yourself and different because of myself...I didn't come into AA because I had a problem. I didn't come into AA to get sober. I didn't come into AA to find or please a power greater than myself. I came into AA while unknowingly being directed and manipulated by a Power greater than Jerry F.
When I first heard of AA and met some of the fellowship I hated it and them all. I hated the message and I dispised anyone who couldn't hold their liquor and acted like a++sholes when ever they drank. I hated their "poor me" spouses, friends, children and associates. That the program seemed to be another attempt by a religious organization to put heat on me made it even worse. My first addict wife was a religious fan-addict and she and her organization spared no opportunity or device in breaking up our family. When I got into recovery I came into it by the back door from a phone conversation I didn't intend on making to an organization I barely knew existed to a person I didn't know and would never meet without ever thinking or asking in prayer for help. I actually was planning a suicide but the suicide prevention center people were all at lunch and the help in emotional trouble people were all too busy to speak to me. And so how did I find the hotline number to the Al-Anon Family Groups from out of the H and S sections of the white pages of my telephone book? God directed without my knowledge and assent. (Higher Power...much)
I marry the women I drink with and support addictions by participating. I am also a chemically tolerant alcoholic...I didn't think or know I am alcoholic until much time (9 years) had passed in program, in college, being a alcoholism and substance abuse counselor and then again being God led to my very own AA assessment after I had just assessed a new client for inpatient rehap.
When I got into recovery I didn't know and didn't know I didn't know about alcoholism or that I and my family of orgin was deeply rooted in the disease. We were also all European Catholics by culture. God was God and not a Higher Power...just God; a God I prayed to without expectation or hope of positive results. I never knew I had a part to play (steps, traditions, slogans, literature and experience without the higher power alcohol). In my family the word alcoholic was never mentioned and also in my family I wasn't a drunk because I could drink continuously without much of negative effect openly; so in my family I was told "you are not a drunk" so and so others are but not you. We didn't know and didn't know that we didn't know and we continued on this way. I got into AA after all that time and experience in Al-Anon and the college and work experiences and the assessment and having the assessment validated by an intake nurse on the adult rehap section of the rehab I worked for who told me (it was an anonymous assessment) "Whoever belongs to this assessment needs to be in inpatient therapy immediatedly or the next time they drink they die." The assessment intake nurse came into Al-Anon the same week I had and didn't know that the assessment was mine...count another God thing. So why did I enter the other room also? I had no provisions for the possibility of relapse back to drinking and it was the last thing in my mind while I had come to understand that alcoholism runs on many other levels than just mental. I had watched relapse in others and never came to consider it for myself until directed and manipulated by my Higher Power this way. Why was it soooo important now? My assessment revealed that I had drank into "Toxic Shock" state (over dose) on several occassions. These are "near" terminal state. After 9 years of being chemical free (all chemicals) another entry into drinking would involve my body, mind and intention of catching up on all of the drinking I had missed. I would not return to my first drinking state but my last drinking states and I would not survive the chemical pressure.
I didn't pray for all of this stuff to happen...I didn't have to. My Higher Power awareness is that God will do for me what I can't do for myself. I had no defense built against it and so the door was open wide for God to come and go without knocking. God did this for me "inspite" of me and there is no greater gratitude I have ever felt because of it. God was working without me...without my cooperation unless it was after the fact. Much of the time I was in opposition to the program and stated it openly, loudly and sometimes profanely and with threats. I could not see myself being apart of such a smug, arrogant, egotistical and prideful bunch or the whiners they rode into town with. God doesn't care about that. When God loves (for me) God does (for me) and God did for me what I would not do for myself.
Today I like to know that one of the results of working this program in all my affairs is that God, my Father, feels pleased. What's humbling about that is my awareness that God feels and felt pleased by God's creation even before I arrived and that what's pleasing is that I make all attempts to not destroy this creation again including myself.
My former religious studies included Theology. My current awareness is that what is important is not so much what you believe and how you talk it but how you walk it. And that is what AA and the steps are about for me today...the walk. I practice the steps religiously and still the program isn't a religion.
Kinda long response...take what you like and leave the rest.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 26th of March 2011 02:04:09 PM
Hey Jerry, I don't feel judged at all. I was more concerned that others might feel I was judging them because of my spiritual talk. I certainly don't judge anyone here. I also wanted to acknowledge my headstrong ways, but assure everyone that I value their advice even if I don't necessarily agree with part or all of it.
I find the conversations here thought provoking and inspiring. I just want to play my part provoking thoughts and inspiring others... not being an obstacle to them.
Jasper, just speaking for myself....I am glad you are here and you don't need to really explain yourself or justify. It takes all of us to stay sober and that includes YOU! Just keep coming back and don't get offended cuz all of us are rooting for you. Even when I vehemently disagree with someone here or something they say, I still am bonded to them as another alcoholic and, even more than that, another alcoholic in AA. By that ends, we have more in common than we do differences. AA makes strange bedfellows they say. Also, all those traits that you admit to having that you don't like...most of us have them too. I am extremely arrogant and have to watch out for it. A few years in the program has only made me faster at recognizing it and quicker to change my tune.
The only thing I would comment on with regard to your thread...When you say pleasing God is your #1 priority and staying sober is ours...That is kind of hair splitting, but I guess I think staying sober is the #1 priority for many of us because our bottoms were so low that we glimpsed death and now realize that we have to be sober first to avoid dying and to then be able to please God. I can't please God if I am dead.
Actually, with my HP, I don't think he is "pleased" perhaps by my following his will....that is a human construct that doesn't apply to a God that is infinite. I think going with his will is sort of like being in alignment with what is right and being in sync with the natural flow of things (unlike playing God and screwing up everything which is what I used to do). Of course this is just my beliefs...nobody else has to share them. Your spirituality IS a good thing. Don't be afraid of it growing or changing though. Since you are now in recovery, you have a long life to look forward to. None of us are ever done learning or having spiritual experiences. What you might see as God now, is subject to change and that is okay. Church and christianity are awesome, but what is most important is not what the church or the bible says but your personal relationship with God. That is where your strength is going to come from.
I just started going to a christian church regularly about 6 months ago... Several years ago I would have stepped into highway traffic before going into a Christian Church. I suspect both of us (and all of us really) are all on the same trek up the mountain of life, we are on different paths, but through AA we are converging closer to each other.
Just don't ever forget how heated any philosophical argument is here, You DO belong and you ARE needed by me and everyone else. So keep coming back!
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hi, I have heard there is a difference between Religion and Spirituality. Over the tears of recovery I may have seen the difference. For that I feel Fortunate. " A simple kit of spiritual tools were laid at my feet ". I had the desperation that only the dying understand. Religion scares me. So very many versions, so many claim to be right. Spirituality offers me simple tools , I can learn to use, with-out fear of trying to please. I can practice the principles.
