inpm I'm unpacking and sorting out the meagre goods and chattles that my ex wife had delivered to my house and keep turning up the odd photo. Mostly the kids when they were little. A few of me an her like wedding photos and stuff. Then amongst the vinyl there's the studio shot of me and the kids taken maybe 6 Christmas ago. Ok I look kinda smug but the kids look pm happy an innocent. Brought more than one tear to me eye. Im fact I cried me eyes out for a long time for my loss. After the initial anger subsided I realised that I don't know why she sent it. Maybe she didn't intend the hurt. But as I haven't seen the kids for over 5 years this is the most up to date picture of them I have. So I hung it on the wall.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Hang in there Bill. I am hoping that the honest break with your wife will start a clock that brings the rest of your family(the kids) back together in time. Your HP will not put more on your plate than you can handle. Just trust that you have taken the correct path and give the kids time to absorb this. I am sure your ex will continue to be the fly in the ointment in this, (unless she can straighten herself out--lets pray for that) I would give this some time to settle and then, maybe Christmas? try and contact the kids. It may not work, and don't be disappointed if it does not, but I think persistance will show the kids you are earnest. Maybe some of the others have better advice, but I am hoping and praying this works for you. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Kinda been qoinq throuqh the same thinq with my 23 year old son for the last 4 years. It bothers me when I let it. It helps to remember that, at his aqe, I didn't have much desire to speak or hanq out with my father. Much later, my father's second wife kept me from seeinq my father, the last 7 years of his life. When I let it qet to me, it bothered me. One day I asked myself, if it bothered me more because I couldn't see him? So I asked myself if, I could see him anytime I wanted, how often would I actually visit. The answer was not that often. So I concluded it was a "want what you can't have" thinq and I minimalized it's importance, once aqain rememberinq that "Feelinqs are Not facts". Bill maybe your kids are just beinq jerks about this, if so, shame on them. All you can do is leave the door open, which you have. Try not to take it personal, you did the best that you could. Later, it will be more important to them and they will find you.
gotta remember my kids aren't children they're 20 and 24. At 20 I didn't spend too much time with my dad, im fact I thought he was an Arse. Part of my ongoing amends the the pair of them is to stay out of their lives. This I'll continue to do but they'll still get the Christmas and birthday cards and cash gifts but beyond that no contact. And out of respect for my ex wife I'm going to try to avoid dating until after the divorce.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Exes have a habit of holding on to resentments for some strange reason :) They can never let things go.. And know how..to push the emmotional buttons.. Hang Tough!!
been at my sponsors this evening. Talked about it. Played guitar, smoked cigarettes, drank coffee. All is well. This's too big to drink on. I'll wait for the top to come off the salt pot before I drink. (Hint - I don't take salt)
Maybe though I should't have sent a snippy text to the ex. Yeah she pushed all the buttons in one go. Mebbe shouldn't have told her that.
A friend reminded me that thoughts lead to feelings lead to emotions and none of that is real, so I need to change my thinking. Remember the happiness,ignore the loss. Remember that the ex doesn't have a glass head so I can't know her motives. Remember that it might have all been innocent.
Just had e mail from ex - she's been to a meeting tonight so will respond to my snotty text later.Ex seems to have submerged herself in Alanon, which is good and I'm sure it will help her.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Been there and done that also and changed a bunch of the done that stuff because program told me I didn't have to be afraid to. Suspicions about exes intentions are crap and fears about what others think or feel are also. I have the power to step over the fear line and make contact allowing those I contact to have their own thoughts feelings and actions and loving them without condition. Life is and if I want it different for a while I can do that with cooperation using acceptance.
My first marriage and divorce was a substitute for not going to Viet Nam and it wasn't only my marriage and parenting that was screwed up. I was screwed up as most alcoholics were so pretty much everything I chose and touched was a mess. I got into another relationship...screwed up and then married again SCREWED UP...got into all kinds of other relationships with women, men, nationalities, public servants etc... screwed up until I got into recovery. All of us do our time in hell intentionally at times and without intention most of it. I was living without the rule book and so have my relationships including my children from my marriages. We're all human and as a recovering person I have learned how to live my life on purpose with the direction of a Power Greater than myself.
In the meantime I let the words of Dr. Paul on page 449 of the 3rd Edition of my old and trusty Big Book comfort me..."And Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place thing or situation-some fact of my life-unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment....I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."
Attitudes for me are perspectives; how I look at things and often all I have to do is tweak my perspective just a bit and the whole picture changes and so do my options.
when my ex husband and i broke up ..he took the pillows (my favorites) and all my emmet fox books (that he didnt read) ..i was pissed and then i was puzzled..and after some time i quick caring about anything to do with him...my focus is on who loves and supports me..the people who seem more interested in seeing if they can cause some kind of trouble or pain do not interest me as much as they used to. it was pointed out to me i could chose if i wanted to swim with the sharks or not..if still felt compelled to "feed" them i didnt have to get right in the water with them. lol . i like your posts..u work a good program in my humble opinion. (hugs)
Cindy - enough of the flattery eh? You'll be having me believe I'm perfect when I'm far from it. I make some monumental cock ups and some really little ones and sometimes it seems to be one or the other, nothing in between. But I do get it very nearly right some of the time too.
IMHO all of life works by the 80/20 rule.
80% is run of the mill, get up, ablute, eat, do stuff, go bed. Some might call this serene.
10% is bad stuff, but only as bad as you let it be, for as long as you let it be.
10% is good stuff, but only as high as you let it be, for as long as you let it be.
Yesterday was very painful, for a long time, I was desperate, demoralised, downward and a whole heap of other negative feelings that begin with D. But having spoken to fellow alkies, (one in particular) and to my sponsor, and spent time with fellow alkies, things come back to being right sized.
Today is a different day. Eileen replied to my snottagram by e mail. She was able to tell me how she feels. She told me that no insult or hurt was intended. I believe her. She also tells me she is working on the acceptance that the marriage is over and that maybe in time we can become friends again, but not right now, we need to keep this business like. Yep, she's still taking my inventory, but I guess 3 weeks of Alanon isn't really enough to get to grips with the programme. She tried to make amends to me for her behaviour on a specific incident (manipulating some friends to stalk me on FB and report back) but I recognised that no amends to me were necessary (there's nothing on FB that I wouldn't want Eileen to know) and politely suggested that maybe she should make her amends to other people. There's the danger of trying step 9 and 10 without getting through the first 8! We all do / did it.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
When me and ex split up the first time, I had her forcefully removed from the house by the police, got temporary full custody of our daughter and had a restraining order against her. She had done some horrible things to me (and this is before my drinking problems) and my daughter.
Now she is my closest friend with her husband not far behind.
Keep an open mind (as EVERYONE here keeps telling me).
This is a wound that has been festering for a long time. Some parts are not going to totally get better, but you are going to move on and be much happier eventually. What I do see with you Bill is a slow recovery and I mean that in an awesome and respectful way. You have been on this journey slow and steady for the whole time I have seen you posting here. You have been working on some difficult issues and changing at a rate that is likely to be lasting. I guess what I am saying is that you are a good example of real recovery....not all frantic and trying to change everything over night. That never works anyhow.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Now let's add to the mix. I have met someone who I can be completely honest with. Someone who I have trusted a long way. Due to the position we are both in we have agreed to back right off from each other. Hardest thing I've ever done. But we'll find out if this is a flash in the pan or something with the legs to go the distance. Be assurred though that my current marriage ws over long before I met her. She may have been the catalyst but she's not the cause. I've known this woman for 18 months. We've both been restrained for all that time, admiring each other from afar, up to janury this year when it all came to a head. Maybe when we're both free of our existing ties we can explore possibilities beyond being just good friends. Anyway. First appointment with solicitor in two hours time.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
That does not surprise me Bill. I can understand feeling so torn between this marriage you invested so many years in...and also have children with her (albeit ones that don't interact with you)....and then the promise of a new healthy relationship that compliments who you ARE and not who you WERE. Confusing for sure, but it would definitely be enough for anyone to question if they were really living life to the fullest.
You deserve romance and all that stuff. I guess another good point is that in the old days, you would already be involved with the new woman.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Oh boy there's much more to this divorce than meets the eye. The financial stuff is a minefield. The house is worth mebbe 100 times what we owe on it,. We have policies with a surrender value of 15 times what we owe on the house, we have similar pension pots, then there's the 'maintenance' I've paid over the last 5 years or so, (around £50k total). The solicitor reckons Eileen could owe me big time, but has claim to half the difference between her pension pot and mine. There is no such thing as independant assetts, so my savings and her savings are all in th pot, my share portfolio and hers, my bikes, her car, etc. etc. So when we sort everything out, if I can clean break it and preserve my pension, even if I lose out on the equity, that's the road I'll take.
Solicitor doesn't seem to understand that finance and possessions are not that important when measured against my peace of mind and sobriety.
Still - as many financial details as I can discover are now recorded, application has been made and paid for, marriage certificate ordered, up front legal fees paid. Here we go..................
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
