I have never in my life been so hurt. I know that I deserve every word in this e-mail, but that doesn't make the pain hurt any less.
To give you a bit of the backstory. My mom moved into my apartment while I was in rehab (she owns the building and had the apartment upstairs) without telling me about it. I had no choice but to live with her. Even though I was told in rehab that she was toxic to me. About a month ago we got in a fight and she threw me out. Soon after that I noticed that my daughter took me off her FB page. I assumed she was taking my mom's side so I didn't contact her as I wanted to give her time to cool off, until today. I sent her an e-mail telling her that I love her, miss her and I think about her all the time. That as soon as I can get my own place we'll be together again. This was the response I got.
"Okay, Imma tell you one time and only one time. Yes you are right that everyone has toxic people. But you know how your toxic person is your mother and not any one else? Well the same goes for me! You're MY toxic person! You are toxic to me and my life! You are the reason I need counsling! You hurt me in ways that I'll remember forever, in ways that'll scar me for life, but UNLIKE you, I WON'T let it control my life and take over my life and lead me nowhere but deeper and deeper into the dark hole that has been created by my past. I'm not gonna keep digging, I'm not going to drown myself in self pity and keep holding on to the past. I'm going to stay on the surface and keep rising above you, my past, and everything else! But ESPECIALLY YOU!!!!! All your life you held on to everything! But what's even more sad, you held on to everything from your PAST!! And the way I see it is, you never even seeked help. You just kept drowning and drowning, and digging and digging and you were taking me and AJ with you.
By the way I aint taking sides I'm just agreeing wit some of the stuff grandma is saying. AND THE ONLY REASON I UNADDED YOU ON FB AND IM NOT TALKING TO YOU IS BECAUSE AT THIS POINT I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!!!! I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU I DONT WANT TO SEE YOU IM DONE WITH YOU FOR NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF AND WHEN I WANT TO TALK TO YOU I'LL LET YOU KNOW, BUT UNTIL THEN DONT CALL ME DONT EMAIL ME AND DEFINETLLY DONT COME AND SEE ME CAUSE ALL ILL DO IS PRETEND YOU DONT EXIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO UNTIL IM READY TO TALK TO YOU DONT TRY TO HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH ME AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!! AND IF YOU'RE NOT READY TO TALK TO ME CIVILIZED WHEN IM READY THEN YOU HAVE PERMINANTLY LOST ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh and by the way DONT EVER tell me what you told me in ur email that u love me and u miss my smile cause I dont care I wont listen to ur bullshit any longer.!!!!!!! So dont even bother!!!!!! AND DONT EVER TELL ME WHOS SIDE IM ON BECAUSE YOU KNOW NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!! Also I want to thank you on claiming me and aj on ur taxis all these years and using it on boos, urself , and ur stupid boyfriend!!!!!!!!!!! Bye Bye "
I died inside when I read that. Never in my life have I felt this kind of pain and I have been through a LOT. I would go through it all over again just to be able to unread that.
I don't know what to do. I responded and told her that she has my word to never hear from me again. I apologized for what I've done and said that I hope someday she'll forgive me.
I e-mailed my 15 year old son afterwards and apologized to him. I let him know that I will understand if he doesn't want to talk to me either. Surprisingly, he's on the opposite end of the spectrum. He told me that he loves me no matter what, and he's proud to call me his mother. That we all make mistakes and he forgives me. Because that's what family does. We forgive each other.
I'm trying to stay strong here but I just want to .. I won't even say it.
All my life I beat myself up. Told myself what a piece of shit I was. I was my own worst enemy. I'm still trying to learn how to forgive myself, reading this set me back to square one. I don't deserve forgiveness.
Every single person deserves forgiveness when they make a change. You wont always get it though. So....You have to forgive yourself and allow your HP to forgive you so you can move on and not be a victim.
I feel for you and I would feel like crap too if that came from my daughter. Not a reason to give up on yourself though and the path of sobriety. I assume you know this already though.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Wow! Your daughter is amazing! To express this so eloquently and passionately at age 10, she is my hero. I am proud of her for setting boundaries with you and for being honest.
Yes, it is hard for you to take, but look at what a strong young lady you have created. I've never in my life been able to stand up to and detach from my parents, and she did it at age 10. Good on her!
I think the thing to do is take YOU and YOUR feelings out of this completely and focus on her pain. BikerBill is right, she has not shut the door. Don't push the door open now or she will slam it shut. She will open it slowly when she is ready. Let her own her feelings and be patient. Respect her boundaries. You have said your peace...you've attempted to clear your side of the street. Now is the time for patience and prayer.
This child is deeply hurt. Can you step outside yourself for a minute and realize that? Be there for her despite her angry words. When she hurls this stuff at you, give her only love in return. Start living a sober life. That is the only way to earn her trust back.
I have realized that. I'm not so blind that I can't see that. But just like she can own her pain, I can own mine and it still hurts. No matter what the circumstances. It still hurts. I only wanted to see if anyone else has gone through this, and advice on what I can do.
At least your dauqhter is tellinq you what is botherinq her. She is also showinq that she is not afraid to tell you. She is also releasinq this and qettinq it off of your her chest. Our typical process is to fell sorry for ourselves. This is of no value, especially if it causes us to qet anqry which can lead to retaliation and denial. Accept it, try to chanqe and move on like Pink chip said. Btw, my 24 year old son has some issues about the way that I parented him (22 years of that time I was sober and he doesn't remember me when I drank). He won't talk about it or admit that he has issues with me. I wish he would write a letter, then I could deal with it, make amends specifically and hopefully remove the issue.
She's ten and she needed to vent. It hurts now but time will fix it.
That's pretty much where I'm at right now. Yesterday when I posted that I was DEVASTATED because I had just received it. And having no one to turn to that isn't a recovering alcoholic like myself, I came to the next best thing. Here. And I have to say that you guys are amazing. Thank you so much for helping me through. I'm going to continue to follow the steps and do the next right thing. Because in the end, whenever I'm lost like I was last night, I need to remember to always do the next right thing. Thank you so much guys.
The damage I did has affected my daughter permanently and we were estranged for over 15 years, which much unpleasantness before she got to the hatred stage. I stayed sober, I made what amends directly that she would let me and I never wavered in whatever way I could to let her know I love her, even with no response, ever. Until about 3 years ago--a few tentative, infrequent e-mails, then one day a 1 minute phone call, then a 1 day visit, then, slowly a bit more. She got engaged a couple of months ago. Last night, I ordered her wedding dress for her, with her clearly joyful thanks. The years of pain and grief, guilt and sorrow were mostly a living nightmare...but I stayed sober and I stayed available, and I have at least some of my daughter back. And yes, I'm invited to the wedding, as the mother of the bride! Hang tuff, don't push, don't beat yourself up-that won't help at all. Just be there, and be there sober.
