Thank you for sharing this. I am new to sobriety, just shy of 60 days. Most of my drinking was done at home and alone, while my husband was at work and it was just my son & I. My son is 18 y/o in age and body, but around 4 yrs old in mind, and always will be. He has autism. He doesn't talk, so he couldn't express how he felt about my behavior with words. But there were many times through his body language and expressions that I knew he thought I was a "tsu-mommy" too. I just ignored it or rationalized it or one of the many other things I did to try to justify my drinking and my behavior. With the help of my HP & AA, I am learning that I cannot change what I have done in the past, but I can deal with it and let it go. I too am honored and privileged to have my son in my life, and will hopefully never again be the "roaring tidal wave' I once was in his life and the lives of those I love. We truly are blessed. Peace.

Great post Heather. Aren't you glad to be sober enough to make these metaphorical observations? That type of thinking and living on a different plane that you used to is what I believe people refer to as going to the 4th dimension (a phrase I have heard in AA and think is in the literature too). It is evidence that your program is working and you are on making spiritual progress. I remember writing on here about my alcoholism and my journey in AA as a roller coaster when I was about 7 months sober. I still like to go back and read it sometimes. It signifies a point where I was really pulling out of the wreckage I created and was embracing a new future. Sounds like you are in a similar spot of early sobriety.

Mark

Hehe.  I found my metaphorical masterpiece written on MIP at 7 months sober.  This was in May of 2009.

The sober roller coaster ride:

I have been on a mission to understand these first 3 steps.  I came into AA thinking I could understand them and work through them immediately.  I did not know that it was a process that would take 7 and a half months to get to just this point.  At around 60 days I started to think of steps 1 through 3 as a roller coaster metaphor.  As I was sharing that in another thread here, the whole idea expanded and I sat down and wrote out the metaphor more fully based on my experience and the process I have been through.  Here it is:

I came into AA dizzy, confused, sick, scared.  I had been on a never-ending roller coaster and I had been riding it all wrong.  I was trying to numb myself.  I had been repeatedly trying to forget and even acknowledge I was on the ride.  It almost killed me.

Step 1: I walked into AA and I found a chair on the roller coaster.  There were a bunch of other riders on the train.  Many of them seemed happy and like they were actually enjoying this messed up ride.  I made a decision at this point that I was going to try and ride this roller coaster better because what I was doing before was dangerous and not working.  I admitted as honestly as I could that I was powerless over the ride and I couldn't manage it on my own.  I'd made a wreck of things.  Even though I was still pretty messed up, I figured "At least I'm sober today."  I couldn't even get in the seat drunk.  I couldn't even see the other riders, in fact.

Step 2:  Okay, I'm still sitting in my seat on this roller coaster ride.  I start screaming to the other riders how scared I am.  I scream "I don't think I can do it!"  They tell me "Hold on to your seat, the ride gets better."  I think they must be crazy but I realize they do seem less scared than me and they also tell me "We are here on this ride with you.  It will be okay."  I feel a little better and decide to trust them.  I find comfort from the other riders.  Gradually, I realize God is sitting in the seat next to me.  I thought that seat was empty.  I realize that he created this roller coaster ride.  Only he knows the twists and turns that lie ahead.  He was right next to me the whole time and I was too drunk to notice.  I start to reach out to God.  I take his hand, but keep holding on to my seat with with the other riders.  I begin to pray to God, "Help me get through this crazy ride!"  I cry and tell him I'm scared and "I wan't off!"  He tells me, "I'm sitting next to you.  It will be okay."  I am still a little scared, but this ride doesn't seem so awful now with God next to me and the other riders to take comfort from.  I can turn to them and him at any time.  I feel more hopeful about the future.

Step 3: I keep riding.  There are so many ups and downs, twists and turns.  I keep thinking I know what's up ahead, but the ride jerks another way that I did not anticipate.  For quite some time I think "I'm not sure I can handle this!"  I look to God and realize fully that I'm never going to know what twists and turns are coming.  I can only keep riding and doing my best to not be afraid.  I give up trying to predict and control this crazy ride.  Every time some scary twist or turn comes, I turn to God and the other riders and they help me get through it.  I start to enjoy parts of the ride even though it's still scary and there are parts of it that I still really don't like.  I stay in my seat.  I share what I am going through with God and the other riders each time.  I start to feel so grateful that they are there to listen to me.  It is still a roller coaster ride that I can't control or predict, but it's going to be okay.  I have some faith now and I trust in this process of what I've been doing.

I look down.  I am still sitting firmly planted in that seat that was there for me when I stepped into that room so confused.  Thank God for that chair and those riders all around me.  I feel glad.

**I just figured how my sponsor fits into this.  He was the loudest bitch on the train and he seemed like the happiest to me so I trusted him lol.  Also, he was sitting in that seat next to me until I realized God was there.  Now he still rides closer to me than the other riders, but only God is right next to me.





-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 12th of March 2011 12:19:18 PM