Dating in first year...Just say NO!

HeatherK · Veteran Member

Dating in first year...Just say NO!

LinBaba · MIP Old Timer

LoL

Always a great Topic

When I work with sponsees, I tell them what the fellowship says (no new blah blah)
I tell them what the BB says (we want to stay out of this controversy)
I tell them my experience (train wreck of wreckage, incredible pain, hurting others, hurting myself, being in a relationship is like giving my character defects crack, blah blah yawn snore etc)
I tell them it's not recommended but ultimately they always do what they are going to do anyway, the rules don't apply to them, they are "different" blah blah just like you (and me)

When they come crawling back beat to a pulp, they sound just like you (and me) they are ready to follow direction and get real, and apply themselves to the steps, personally I think it's part of the process (for people who get sober young(er))

we learn from our mistakes, and pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth (because pain is the only thing that gets us off our asses to do the work)

We are bludgeoned into sobriety, into humility, into honesty, because the pain is just too great otherwise

Truthfully, the only thing I see "wrong" is (since I have been around awhile) the old timers who are most emphatic and controlling about this were either married, or did it themselves, which makes it a "do as I say not as I do/did" which is the EXACT opposite of "AA" which is "this is what it was like, this is what happened, this is what it's like now"

In AA our liabilities, our suffering and the lessons we learned become our assets, not standing on a soap box and telling others not to make the same mistakes we did and not even admitting we did them

My God let me make all my own mistakes, so did my sponsors, I try to do the same

Now you know what happens for many of us when we get involved too early, the bad news is that happens regardless, just with some time and a few passes into the steps we have better tools to learn how to do it differently, celibacy doesn't make us better at relationships, only relationships make us better at relationships, celibacy gives us time to build a foundation in order to have tools to be better in relationships

It is necessary that we extricate from an examination of our personal relations every bit of information about ourselves and our fundamental difficulties that we can. Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including our alcoholism, no field of investigation could yield more satisfying and valuable rewards than this one.
Calm, thoughtful reflection upon personal relations can deepen our insight. We can go far beyond those things which were superficially wrong with us, to see those flaws which were basic, flaws which sometimes were responsible for the whole pattern of our lives. Thoroughness, we have found, will pay - and pay handsomely.

Come say Hi over here, we are dealing with EXACTLY this behavior

CODA Forum

barisax · Senior Member

When I look back on my life, it's obvious that I placed way too much importance on relationships and obsessing about having one, or not. Yet, the majority of my life has been spent single. In my 53 years, I've been in a real relationship with two people, for a total of 15 years. I spent my first 25 single, then in a relationship 11 years, then single 13, and now in relationship 4 years. I'm not counting platonic relationships, I've had a few, nor my one and only AA psycho date. Whom I saw 2 weeks ago and she spoke to me (actually acknowledging who I was) for the first time in 10 years. Pretty strange that was. I wonder if she even remembers that we "dated".... LOL. She may have a week sober now, who knows.

Yet, from the age of puberty (15... late bloomer) until my first relationship, I was obsessed with having a girlfriend (although I really didn't do anything about it) and for my 13 single years, I spent 8-9 of them obsessing about relationships to one degree or another. Not that it was all bad, but it always came back around to coming home to that big empty house, and questioning God. I wanted him to just send me a sign, should I give up trying, plan for a single life? Or is there something I should do to work toward a goal of having a romantic partner?

All I know is that the obsession was mostly lifted after 8-9 years, and more importantly after moving out of the old marriage house and its ghosts. I didn't find a new relationship until the obsession was gone, and I knew that's how it would work but of course I was obsessed with getting rid of the obsession to make it come sooner. That's how it goes. I guess I couldn't have done it any differently. I got my answer from God, in His time.

Prayer is talking to God, meditation is listening to God. If I listen good, what I really hear is "I'm God and you're not". That's the message I have the most trouble with, I suppose. And I doubt if it will change a whole lot. Human beings are the only animals that fancy themselves as God... well actually I don't know that for sure, maybe my dog thinks he is Zeus or Thor, I dunno. But I think for the most part animals see things as they are and put one foot in front of another. Humans see things as we think they ought to be and say "Dammit, why can't I make it happen?" to paraphrase John F. Kennedy. Obviously God made us this way on purpose and it must amuse him to some degree. Sometimes He even lets us "make things happen" and even lets us take the credit for a while. All I know is that the older I get, the less I know. I can't even imagine the scope of what I don't know. That's a long way from when I felt my first beer buzz and thought I knew everything.

Barisax

HeatherK · Veteran Member

Barisax, you're right. I have an obsession. Like with alcohol, I need to abstain from relationships until the obsession is lifted. Thank you, that helps me see it so clearly.

LinBaba, thank you! It was a reassuring reminder to hear that the lessons learned from our mistakes become our assets.

I hear people say in meetings all the time that it doesn't work to go to AA drunk. Same concept applies with romantic relationships. We cannot recover from unhealthy relationship patterns through sick relationship behaviors...which right now is all I really know how to do. That settles it, I have decided I am cancelling my date I had planned for this Saturday night with another ex boyfriend that I was thinking might be interesting to try another fling with... and as I'm typing this I'm thinking, "Wait! What if he is the one?" Yes. I am that sick. God help me~! Heather

HeatherK · Veteran Member

"Like with alcohol, I need to abstain from relationships until the obsession is lifted."

CLARIFICATION! Though someday I hope to be in a healthy relationship, I will NOT be drinking again! So the two are not alike, except that I obsess over both. :)

gladlee · Senior Member

I have to keep telling myself, it won't be this way FOREVER. Just for today, staying out of a relationship is for my own good. I am willing. Like you, I can sign up for something stupid again but...... I barely survived it last time. I can't take any more pain.

I'm past my one-year in AA, but I have not done that load of laundry yet. Sometimes I still forget all the pain and humiliation of the last relationship. Sometimes I still want to take a "sip" of him by making contact again, thinking that.... this time, I won't be so stupid, we could just be friends. But that never worked in the past, it spiraled out of control every time.

I am grateful for this fellowship...... grateful that I'm not alone.

happycamper · MIP Old Timer

My Sponsor has always told me that with every lesson I learn, there is a blessing.

Sounds to me like you've learned a lesson, and Id guess the blessing is that you stayed sober thru it all.

Just the simple fact that you didnt tell your sponsor about the relationship for fear of her reactions says it all.. you knew it was wrong, but did it anyway. Self - will run riot , and in the extreme in your case. You flipped out on the guy.

I know .. i know how hard it can be to take other ppls suggestions or advice.

First year We dry up, 2nd year we sober up, and the rest of the years we grow up.

I remember being 8 months sober. Really thought I was the cats pajama's.
My sponsor let me know otherwise, and I still love her today

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

There is just so much work to do on your own in the first year. You are growing and changing so fast... I did the same thing in my first year. Such a lame relationship that was. BUT...because I didn't drink over it, I was able to learn some stuff. Same case for you. Since you did not drink, now you know some things you want to do different in the next relationship.

TwelveSteps · Senior Member

I don't claim to be an expert or anything, this is purely my own experience -- but I'm not following the one-year rule, and it's been fine, I think largely because I think I am good with relationships and have been very conscious of taking them VERY SLOWLY. HeatherK, you show a lot of self-awareness in your statement that "I become nuts in a relationship- crazy town! I go from sweetheart to insane in 2.5 seconds. Jealousy, anger, criticism, blame, fearful of abandonment, easily irritated..." and that makes me wonder whether the people who run into big trouble dating while sober do so because of their own issues regarding relationships -- completely separate from issues related to sobriety.

For me the biggest dating issue is that I don't want to date anyone who drinks but I also don't want to date anyone in AA (I don't want my recovery getting intertwined with my dating relationships), and that kind of narrows the pool (but actually not as much as I expected)! I'm actually surprised by how many people out there just choose not to drink. I guess I never got to know them before because I wouldn't have been hanging out with anyone who wasn't drinking!

GG

BillNSB · Member

You'll never be happy with anyone else until you're happy with yourself.

I think if there is a more complex human condition than alcoholism, it's intimate relationships.

I think people are in love with the idea of being in love, more than the actual person they're involved with. Not to be stereotypical, but I see more women than men base their identity on the relationship they're in. Consequently, they feel if they're not in one, or it's going badly, they feel like a failure. The first year of sobriety is one of assessment. If you remain the same person, chances are you'll return to a destructive lifestyle.

Try not to base so much of your self-worth on a relationship. At least at this time.

My humble opinion and best of luck.

Bill

Anium1967 · Member

This post is based on dating in the first year you can start video dating with as many users as you want because there is no limit on the number of speed dates. You usually get about 10 to 20 dates in an hour because you don't waste time composing messages and reading profiles, but go to the actual video date. My best friend Riya told me about this site

hewof · Veteran Member

I've been looking for something hot and spicy online for quite some time now, I want to find a hot babe for the night, maybe some of you have experienced this?

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