What is self-esteem?

Hold themselves as worthy to be loved and to love others, worthy to be cared for and to care for others, worthy to be nurtured and to nurture others, worthy to be touched and supported and to touch and support others, worthy to be listened to and to listen to others, worthy to be recognized and to recognize others, worthy to be encouraged and to encourage others, worthy to be reinforced as "good" people and to recognize others as "good" people. Have a productive personality; they have achieved success to the best of their ability in school, work, and society. Are capable of being creative, imaginative problem solvers; of being risk takers, optimistic in their approach to life and in the attainment of their personal goals. Are leaders and are skillful in dealing with people. They are neither too independent nor too dependent on others. They have the ability to size up a relationship and adjust to the demands of the interaction. Have a healthy self-concept. Their perception of themselves is in synchrony with the picture of themselves they project to others. Are able to state clearly who they are, what their future potential is, and to what they are committed in life. They are able to declare what they deserve to receive in their lifetime. Are able to accept the responsibility for and consequences of their actions. They do not resort to shifting the blame or using others as scapegoats for actions that have resulted in a negative outcome. Are altruistic. They have a legitimate concern for the welfare of others. They are not self-centered or egotistical in their outlook on life. They do not take on the responsibility for others in an over-responsible way. They help others accept the responsibility for their own actions. They are, however, always ready to help anyone who legitimately needs assistance or guidance. Have healthy coping skills. They are able to handle the stresses in their lives in a productive way. They are able to put the problems, concerns, issues, and conflicts that come their way into perspective. They are able to keep their lives in perspective without becoming too idealistic or too morose. They are survivors in the healthiest sense of the word. They have a good sense of humor and are able to keep a balance of work and fun in their lives. Look to the future with excitement, a sense of adventure and optimism. They recognize their potential for success and visualize their success in the future. They have dreams, aspirations, and hopes for the future. They are goal-oriented with a sense of balance in working toward their goals. They know from where they have come, where they are now, and where they are going.

Persons with low self-esteem: Consider themselves lost, unworthy of being cared for. Are poor risk takers. Operate out of a fear of rejection. Are typically unassertive in their behavior with others. Are fearful of conflict with others. Are hungry for the approval of others. Are poor problem solvers. Are fraught with irrational beliefs and have a tendency to think irrationally. Are susceptible to all kinds of fears. Have a tendency to become emotionally stuck and immobilized. Have a poor "track record" in school or on the job; conversely, they sometimes over compensate and become over-achievers. Are unable to affirm or to reinforce themselves positively. Are unable to make an honest assessment of their strengths, qualities, and good points; they find it difficult to accept compliments or recognition from others. Have poorly defined self-identities with a tendency to be chameleons in order to fit in with others. Are insecure, anxious, and nervous when they are with others. Often become overcome with anger about their status in life and are likely to have chronic hostility or chronic depression. Are easily overcome with despair and depression when they experience a setback or loss in their lives. Have a tendency to overreact and become de-energized by resentment, anger, and the desire for revenge against those whom they believe have not fully accepted them. Fulfill roles in their families of origin that are counter-productive and maladaptive. These roles carry over into their adult lives. Are vulnerable to mental health problems and have a propensity to use addictive behavior to medicate their hurt and pain. Such addictive behavior can include alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, shopping, smoking, workaholism, or the search for excitement, truth, wisdom, and a guru with an easy guide to the achievement of happiness.

For healthy self-esteem individuals need to receive nurturing from the people in their environment, to include: Unconditional warmth, love, and caring; to realize that other people recognize them as deserving to be nurtured, reinforced, rewarded, and bonded to. The environment transmits messages of warmth, loving, and caring by physical touch, meeting the survival needs of food, clothing and shelter, and providing a sense of stability and order in life.

Acceptance for who they are; to recognize that other people see them as worthy individuals who have a unique set of personality characteristics, skills, abilities, and competencies making them special. Acceptance helps individuals recognize that differences among and between people are OK, and this encourages the development of a sense of personal mastery and autonomy. Acceptance enables people to develop relationships with others, yet maintain healthy boundaries of individuality within themselves.

 Good communication; being listened to and responded to in a healthy way so that healthy problem solving is possible. Appropriate giving and receiving of feedback is encouraged and rewarded. Communicating at a "feelings" level is a mode of operation for these people, allowing them to be in touch with their emotions in a productive manner.

For the environment to support the development of healthy self-esteem it must contain: Recognition and acceptance of people for who they are. To base such recognition and acceptance on the condition that they must first conform to a prescribed standard of behavior or conduct is unhealthy. Unconditional recognition and acceptance given in the form of support allows individuals to reach their ultimate potential.

 Clearly defined and enforced limits known to individuals with no hidden tricks or manipulation. Limits set the structure for the lives of individuals, allowing clear benchmarks of appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Limits enable individuals to recognize their responsibilities and to chart their course of behavior in a rational way.

Respect and latitude for individual action within the defined limits of the environment. This encourages individuals to use their creativity, ingenuity, and imagination to be productive within the established structure. Restrictions that suppress individuality can lead to a narrow focus, with people becoming stunted and handicapped in the use of their personal skills, abilities, and resources.

 Established freedom within the structure. This enables individuals to develop a sense of personal autonomy. If they are too tied down and inhibited they could become resentful and eventually rebellious against the prescribed structures in their environment. Being given the freedom of self-expression within the established rules and norms allows individuals to explore their potential to its fullest; thus there is a greater possibility of becoming successful, healthy achievers.

 Bonding, which is the physical/emotional phenomenon between individuals and the others in their environment is necessary for the development of healthy self-esteem.