So last night I was up late learning the riff from Wish You Were Here. Posted about my Dad and this morning went to his headstone - about 80 miles north of me. For the first time in 11 years I felt the need to be with him as best I could. Bought a bunch of flowers and tidied the headstone, had a chat, told him I missed him, told him how my life was today, got no response, had a few tears, sat in the church a bit, visited Mum, had a few more tears, rode down to York to get some chain oil, then at the last moment turned off for Sherburn in Elmet, couldn't find Squires Milk Bar decided to go home, turned the corner and there was Squires. Pulled in the car park and the first person I saw was the partner of someone in the fellowship, followed by a bunch of them, around 20 in all. Maybe that was Dad giving me a message?
Had a long chat with a very sober lady about where I was and she gave me her opinion, which I disagreed with, but not wholeheartedly.
Went to the meeting feeling like Keith Richards on a bad day, listening to Wish You Were Here on repeat, to get the timing down, heard the lyric, were just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year then something about covering the same old ground and same old fears...............
Felt like sh1t in the meeting, face like a slapped babby's arse, black mood, wet eyes, full on pity fest..................
and a retread came and the main share was pure recovery power and all the other shares were great and I came out of there re energised. I still don't know where I am or what i'm doing. I've taken a first step in relationship counselling and it's a good first step but I still don't know where my feet are pointing.
I know I have to turn the page on the last chapter of my life to date so I can start reading the next chapter, but whichever way that goes, let this page be turned gently and with love.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
You're okay Bill...trust your recovery as I do. Sound a bit like "floating" to me. Use to be there a lot, not planted, just 20 yards off the edge of the cliff floating and when the fear no longer was with me I just stayed there and enjoyed the view until some thing came along and gently directed me back to solid ground.
"...but it does" is your faith statement. Thanks for the share.
Love the floating image-off the cliff w/fear-fear gone-the view-then grounded & the wisdom of "the gentle" in both of these posts. Love it that people are whole oceans and thousands & thousands of miles away & from places all over this earth, and we can be connected through this board. Freakin' awesome!
So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain. Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell? And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze? Cold comfort for change? And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? How I wish, how I wish you were here. We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year, Running over the same old ground. What have you found? The same old fears. Wish you were here.
I do the same thing with music. I actually decided I will not try and play anyone elses music, and focus on mine, that way only I have to like it. Having said that, I watched the Doors documentary narrated by Johnny Depp the other day, and it affected my mood and hence my music. You know the part about staying away from triggers? You might remember my thread from last year about ripping up a t shirt I had that had booze and guitars on it. Since most of the music I like was produced by drug and alcohol fueled "kids" (you know what I mean--by comparison) its hard not to "flash back" to our dark period that is only "one drink away". Theres a challenge for you. How about a deep song about "One Drink Away" by Bikerbill? Get the "Fishbowl lyrics" out of your head.
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
