I went to a downtown meeting. There were people from all walks of life. Some still smelled of alcohol, while others had been sober for years. It was painful to hear the their stories. I listened for the similarities to mine. I can see that I am at the threshold of alcoholism, maybe not so much for the physical depenence on alcohol, my my mentally weakened state.
I heard men and women describe how they love alcohol.. they love that drink. I can't say that I feel the same way, but there were days that I did plan my entire day around drinking and looked forward to doing so, knowing that I would feel remorse later. There was this sort of revelation during the meeting though. While these men and women told their stories, I could take out the word alcohol replace it with my wife's name. At least until a few months ago.
While we were having an affair, that is exactly the way I felt about her. I couldn't get enough of her in any capacity. The affair went on for more than 3 years, then we dated for 8 months, and sometime during the last 6 months, the high began wearing off and guilt began building to the point it was almost unbearable. The alcohol made it bearable for a while.
Good on you Jasper...try getting a 90 meetings in 90 days going and then making the decision whether you are or are not alcoholic. I relate very closely to your story and how you bring it across because that is how I did it also. I thought alot about whether I was or was not alcoholic not realizing that my brain was a part of my body and when I drank it was affected totally. My thinker wasn't working when it was drinking with me so I forgot how to use it properly. I was never ever able to think myself out of the disease and so early instruction for me was "Don't drink and Don't think". I stopped drinking and turned my thinking over to the groups because they had what it was that I needed...complete and total alcohol free sane sobriety. That's not just an oil change metaphor.
It seems that you might have alcoholism accepted as a moral issue and therefore the feelings of remorse or the rejection of "liking it". I understand that thinking and behavior myself and with desire and work I have allowed myself to be taught that what I have is a mental compulsion, obsession and addiction and physical allergy to alcohol. I was born into this disease just as I am also tuberculic, and portugese. It was with me before I was baptized and I was turned on by cultural practices. By being sober in this spiritual program of recovery I can be a sober person well enough to do the will of the God of my understanding along with millions of other alcoholics who have experienced the same things.
Keep coming back and continue to listen to the similarities. Leave the differences for later.
Thanks for your help guys. I struggle with the fact that I want resolutions now. I have to understand why I've done what I've done the last few years... why do I keep making mistakes.. and I have to do so now. After a particular rough afternoon, I called my counselor. He told me what I already know, but have a hard time applying.... I can't fix anything. In fact, trying to fix everything myself is probably what got me here. I've got to let God take control over this one.
