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Post Info TOPIC: new to all of this need help
losinghope


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new to all of this need help
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I am a 31 year old male who has been in denial for quite some time. I am embracing this with both arms but am having some serious issues in my personal life. My life partner of 12+ years is also embracing sobriety. She however did in-patient and thinks she may have found her relationship answers in a rehab romance. I would like to explain in greater detail later tonight and would welcome someones, anyones thoughts. I am so confused and can't find the answers i need. please post if intrested and i will elaborate.



thanks
hope

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PhilipD


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Go to a meeting...Dont Drink..Dont react..and Dont think..
Take care of number one..bud
And it'll work out the way its supposed to..
Maybe..not the way that you want it to..
But it'll be ok..
If your lady is jumping into a rehab romance?
Then maybe..your relationship isnt as solid as you thought it was..
Might hafta kick her ass to the curb..
Keep lookin up..

-- Edited by PhilipD on Thursday 24th of February 2011 06:26:50 PM

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StPeteDean


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Hello LH welcome to the board. 31 is a typical aqe to qet sober. It was 29 for me. You need to keep the focus on yourself and your sobriety. It would be easy to obsess about your partner and miss the boat on your own sobriety. You can't control that other person. If it was me, I'd try and iqnore it and continue on with what you have to do to stay sober and have a life. What ever is supposed to happen will happen.

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Jerry F


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Will take another look at what's going on when you get back.  When I first got into
program I was told to separate myself from everything alcohol.  I let go of lots of
people, places and things which came with the drinking.  One of the people was my
then wife.  It wasn't easy nor was it happy however I got sobriety and serenity and
have had a pretty solid hold on them both for a while.  I wanted sanity bad as the
first thing and got that also.  I'll have an ear and eye out for you later.  smile

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zzworldontheweb


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This may be a little old-fashioned, but if you're not married to this girl, and she went out and "found her relationship answers in a rehab romance", maybe it's time to cut that tie and find something better / more loyal.

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Jamie D


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Hey losing hope. All I could think when I read your post is this is your life your dealing with. There will be other loves , if this one ending is God's will. So be it. Pain is the touchstone of spiritual progress , and there will be growth and spiritual progress ahead whatever happens. I have no doubt you've got people in your life that would rather you single heartbroken............but alive.

Kind regards

Jamie

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billyjack


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Hey there Brian,   glad you made it here to MIP and AA. Your share Eco's the same pain and heart ache so many of us have to go through when we get here. There is some good advice on this thread, and its from experience. When I got here, my actual circumstances were a little different than your, but everything was crumbling around me. I was court ordered out of my own house, living in a 19' camp trailer, and my wife was having her boy friend come over and stay at my house and there was nothing I could do about it, and stay legal.  my sponsor and his wife told me very lovingly " she aint none of your #@#^&%business, what are you gonna do about you " I told them they were mean, and hurt my feelings. They said " tough #@*&, your gonna have to make AA the center of your life if your gonna survive, but we'll be here every step of the way if you do your part."  I didnt do what they said most of the time, and that marriage was ground down into a fine dust and blew away. however, I did stay sober because I was at AA every chance I got ( 2 to 3 times a day ) not just 90 & 90, surrounded my self with sober people, and endured the pain. My wife and I parted extremely bad, untreated alcoholism jsut ripped us apart, not to speak again for 5 years, when I made my amends to her. When I tell you now that God is amazing, He truly is, because her last words to me were " if you were on fire I wouldn't piss on you to put you out ".  but because of a very loving God and me working these steps, that woman and I are really good friends today. Believe it or not, we help each other out with relationship problems. Its very weird to me, but I could have missed out on it if I didnt stick close to AA, the people I got close to here, and didnt make these steps a part of my being..

You do not have a personal life apart from alcoholism. Alcoholism engrosses every aspect of our lives , and AA is the remedy. I hope you stick around and make this the center of your life, and make her non of your business long enough to get a hold on a new life..

I well know the pain your in, and I hope this eases it a little. If not this song should definetly help..
Peace Brother. 

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                   Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose. 
losinghope


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Thank you all for your responses. Here is a little more detail of my trials. It's hard for me to open up but I know it will help me cope. I'm struggling with so many things. Our relationship obviously wasn't always great. We did many terrible things to hurt each other. After one particular episode I told her she needed to go. At the time I wasn't sure if I meant to get help or just away from me. This is when the commitment was made for in-patient. She asked me to be on board with her and at the time being the stubborn ass I was I didn't feel my problem was a problem. This seriously hurt the situation and explains much about where I'm at now. We were distant during treatment and she was released early for non compliance with the rules. not with using but with the romance ordeal. I definately failed to be there as a man should and there he was while she was vulnerable. Even more a night or two after she returned home I went and got drunk and really screwed things. So I am by no means just an innocent undeserving person to the bed I've made to lie in. Needless to say the next day was the day I decided to commit to my recovery. We have a son which makes things more difficult. She assures me that her heart is still open to me but its hard to accept with someone else in the picture. I know I should probably walk/run away but my feelings are strong no matter what and only time will tell exactally how strong. We agreed we needed a break to figure ourselves out but I'm struggling with it the most i think because i feel i know what i want. As a result I push my thoughts and feelings on her in magnitude and know I'm only hurting my situation. She is truly a wonderful person and I can't just walk away just yet. there are so many things to enjoy in life sober together which is a part of the relationship we never explored. I am not struggling with sobriety so much at this particular time. it's early for me however. But I also know that anything I feel I want or need in my life can't be had with drugs or alcohol. I have done many things to hurt many people in my life as a result of addiction and i know every addict can relate. I will add more as often as I have the strenght to, and again I thank you all for, your words will help me find the answers i need and the strenght to carry on.

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SteveP


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Glad that you're here losinghope. I know from my own experience that AA provides us with all the tools to have freedom from alcohol. All we got to do is pick 'em up.

Keep coming back!

Steve

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losinghope


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man i'm struggling today!

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SteveP


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We've all been there, we KNOW what it is like.

Getting to a meeting today WILL help you find to a solution if you want it. Do you know where the nearest and soonest meeting to you is?

If not, call the local AA hotline. I went meetings and asked for help and I got it.

And just remember: taking a drink today is not going to make any of the stuff better. But it can make it a lot worse.

Keep coming back.

Steve

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losinghope


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don't want or feel the need to drink. my world got a bit worse with new news today because my heart and mind can't stop prying into things. even though i know i won't like what i find when i get there. on the positive side maybe the news is what i needed to make me move on with my life.

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pinkchip


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Your heart is broken. It will heal. You admitted the relationship was tumultuous. She was unfaithful and she has to own that...You should not take all the blame and say "I was unavailable." I know it is important to stay together for your son....however, you both need to spend time getting healthy in sobriety before then working on the relationship.

When it comes to relationships, the best way to think is that 2 wholes make a pair...2 busted up halves do not really make a whole. I would say you have a better shot at sobriety than her cuz she couldn't even follow the simple rules of the recovery center...Her emotional neediness sounds worse than yours and you are beating yourself up and saying your are addicted to her. The whole thing sounds like it does need a time out and you both could benefit from learning to make yourselves happy all on your own...and THEN you work on how to do it as a couple. Unfortunately, she is not going to learn this cuz she thinks she has to be in a whirlwind romance again right now.

It is a false belief that you "needed" to be there to support her and you "needed" to stop drinking with her. If she wants sobriety and if you want it...it is there for both of you regardless of the relationship you have with each other. If you stay sober and do some work on you...I promise that all future relationships you have will be better to a degree that you will not even believe.

Mark

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McMolly


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Hi, Losinghope ... I'm new to this board, but sober a very long time.  Try not to let this relationship get in the way of all the good you are doing for yourself.  Sounds like she is just making it all the more complicated and as someone else said it will be the way it's supposed to be.

If not for the end of a relationship my husband and I wouldn't be together today.  His drinking broke up his marriage and so 5 years later, finally sober, he met me.  And he ended up being my salvation when I finally accepted I was powerless over alcohol.

You are both going through your own struggles right now and it's very possible as you each find yourselves, being together just isn't in the cards.

In sobriety it's more likely that you are meant to be with someone entirely different than what you were drawn to in the past.  I always compare addictiveness to darkness and sobriety to light. You have no idea what is going to open up for you as you continue on this journey.  Sobriety as it unfolds is beyond remarkable.

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Molly
losinghope


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Thank you all for your feedback. It is helping me look a things in a different way. My thoughts and feelings are gonna take some time to adapt to all of the changes and it's nice to know I'm not alone. It's difficult at this time to get to meetings with child care work and transportation but I am working to find a solution. In the meantime I look forward to chatting here. Please keep it coming and thank you so much for being there.

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LinBaba


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losinghope wrote:

Thank you all for your feedback. It is helping me look a things in a different way. My thoughts and feelings are gonna take some time to adapt to all of the changes and it's nice to know I'm not alone. It's difficult at this time to get to meetings with child care work and transportation but I am working to find a solution. In the meantime I look forward to chatting here. Please keep it coming and thank you so much for being there.



Hey LH, Welcome to the board

Just some general observations about sobriety

one: It was literally my "thoughts and feelings" that kept getting me drunk, alcoholism is a disease consisting of two parts, an obsession of the mind coupled with an allergy of the body, now the obsession manifests itself in various ways, but if someone is a real alcoholic what that means is at some point your mind (thoughts) will convince you it's OK to take a drink, or (feelings) you feel so bad/angry/stressed/anxiety ridden/panic attack/good/ happy whatever, that only a drink will make it better

an alcoholics mind is not his friend

two: 19 out of 20 alcoholics who try to get sober in AA (or anywhere for that matter) don't make it, so the mathematical question stands "what am I going to do different from the 19 who don't make it?"

three: Alcoholics, as we all know from pop literature and cool TV shows don't quit drinking until they hit their "bottom"

A few things they don't tell you about that "bottom" is one: it always gets worse and two: you get to decide when that bottom is

Now the reason alcoholics don't quit until their botom, is because otherwise they aren't desperate enough and they half ass it

They don't make it, they go and "do more research" eventually, learn about the "yets" (I haven't done that before) and go and hit a worse bottom

Since alcoholism is a progressive disease, this is not a theory, this is how that is, period

The alcoholics who get and stay sober usually have "the gift of desperation" which means they do what it takes to get sober no matter what, they put their sobreity first in front of everything, because if they don't, they will lose those things anyway, if not their children, the love of their children anyway

There are meetings with childcare, and not only that, sober members with time will often offer to watch your children, I have done it 100's of times myself, and those have been some of the best meetings I have ever been to, I get to play with someone else's kid for an hour, and then give it back

what could be better? The newcomer gets a meeting we get to play with a child and feel all good about ourselves, the kids have fun, it's win-win

Generally speaking we recomend going to 90 meetings in 90 days for a variety of reasons, one is it is a scientifically proven fact that it takes 90 days of doing something different to change an ingrained habit, that's why although 90 in 90 is not AA, it's sound advice, also we find what meetings we like, people we like, and usually have met a sponsor by then

How bad do you want to stay sober? Because for real alcoholics it's got to be 100%, and even then it's iffy at best, keep coming back and reading for our members that can't stay sober, stop by a few meetings and listen to some stories, you'll hear how people who stay sober do so, and if you listen carefully to people who can't stay sober, you'll learn what they do

usually it's think, feel, and hedge going to meetings, hence this reply

Good luck

 



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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
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