Is AA right for me... or would it help me?

Mad_Jasper · Veteran Member

Is AA right for me... or would it help me?

Frodo · MIP Old Timer

Wiser heads than me will be able to answer your question better than me but damn your story sounds like mine. Last October my wife told me she was unhappy with the marriage and wanted to end it. My response was to get drunk, start a fight, break a few things and leave. I hadn't liked myself for a long time either so I figured that a stint in rehab would give me a chance to dry out, figure out what happened and then I could fix my marriage and get some sort of control over my drinking.

In the rehab I dried out enough to see the terrible damage I had done to myself and through the rehab I was introduced to AA where I saw that there was a better way and I didn't have to be a slave to the bottle anymore.

I don't think the marriage is fixable anymore but that's not the end of the world I used to think it was. I might have lost a wife but I gained my soul and that's a reasonable trade if you ask me. I honestly wouldn't change a moment of it because the self discovery that I was out of control but it could be fixed saved my sanity and my life. I feel one million times better and know that this is the life I want and it will be a good one if I stick with it.

I don't know if AA is for you - that's something you will have to figure out - but you will lose absolutely nothing by going there and having a good look at it for a couple of months.

Anyway I'll let the more experienced members give you a better run down on the fellowship but I just thought I'd let you know that I understand where you are at and what worked for me.

mikef · MIP Old Timer

Welcome! Yes I agree with previous statement,you have nothing to lose by making a meeting. You can Google our literature Alcoholics Anonymous(Big Book) and read some information about alcoholism,where you may or may not fit in the picture and make some decisions from there. Step #1 We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.We suffer from an illness of mind,body and spirit,even we we put the substance down,there is much work to do.We found a solution in working our Steps(with a sponsor) and applying these spiritual principles in tha actions of our daily lives.Our primary purpose is to be of maximum service to God(of our own understanding) and to help others..There are many different roads to recovery,but we are here to suggest recovery through our steps/traditions and concepts/ of Alcoholics Anonymous by following suggestions and doing the work(applying principles in our lives) We are a spiritual, not religious program and anyone is free to join us regardless of religion or lack of religion.Hope to hear back from you....Have a blessed and productive day!! smile

....

SteveP · MIP Old Timer

Hi there - You can try an open meeting of AA - those are open to non-alcoholics. Just listen, you don't have to say anything.

And the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. If you want to quit drinking, one day at a time, then you can and you will if you thoroughly follow the AA path.

All the best

Steve

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

David,
Sounds a lot like my drinking. Alcoholics suffer from a progressive illness. What started as weekend/party drinking ended with daily, 24/7 drinking. Drinking became a neccessity for me; not a choice. I've learned in AA that's the first step: mentioned in prior post about the powerlessness over alcohol. I also learned that my life was unmanageable; while drinking and while not drinking.

It wouldn't hurt to go to a few AA meetings and listen with an open mind and see if you can identify(not compare) to the folks in the meeting. If you can identify with some of the thinking problem as well as the drinking problem; your probably in the right spot.

Keep coming back here; if you'd like. It helps us stay sober while trying to assist others.

HeatherK · Veteran Member

Dear Mad Jasper,
Only you can make that determination, but it certainly sounds like attending a meeting or two and investigating this thing wouldn't hurt. Just be honest with yourself and the answer will become clear.

In my experience, my first AA meeting was like a homecoming. I heard people share stories that sounded just like things I had been through. It was like walking into a family gathering, these were my "peeps". I was so moved, and the realization of my alcoholism was so powerful and obvious, that I was literally sobbing throughout the whole meeting. But, I held on to my seat and kept coming back.

I can't tell you if you're an alcoholic, but I can tell you that AA has changed my life. At the worst of my drinking my life had become completely unmanageable, and at times I thought I was going insane. I could not maintain a healthy relationship, I was miserable and resentful, I had very low self worth. On the other hand, I was highly educated, held down a professional job and never missed a day of work. I had not YET had any DUI's, been to jail, had a drunken car crash, had my kids taken away from me... so I told myself I was not an alcoholic. I thought alcoholics were only winos that lived under bridges and drank booze from paper sacks. But the reality was, that I was spiralling down a horrible path of devastation, and taking my loved ones with me hostage. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Luckily for me, I didn't have to hit a bottom as low as some others before I said "enough is enough."

I am now 7 months sober and am AMAZED at how much better my life has become. My relationship with my father, who I had previously hated is repaired. I see things through different, more grateful eyes. I have found love and friendship in the fellowship. I have found a higher power to guide me. I am less selfish, fearful, angry, and do not harbor resentments. I live my life one day at a time and have learned how to embrace the present. We cannot change the past and have no control over the future, so we may as well do our best with what is happening now. I LOVE MY LIFE, and have found a new inner peace, calm, serenity, and joyfulness. I owe it all to AA. It is definitely worth a shot. If you don't like what you experience, your misery can be refunded to you 100%.

Best wishes, my friend! HeatherK

billyjack · Senior Member

Hey there Dave, welcome to what could be your new life.
Only you can answer that. One clue for you is that people who are not alcoholic, dont ask those questions. They dont wonder if they are alcoholic, only those of us that are alcoholic do. They can take it or leave it, they can cut back if there is a need to. We wonder, cause deep down we cant imagine a life that does not include alcohol, even if its killing us and taring our lives and the lives of those around us to little pieces.
We have a text book here in AA, its called Alcoholics Anonymous. We like to call it " The Big Book ". There we can find everything we need to recover and help others to recover and to help us have better families.
If you deside to go to some meetings, you can get a pamphlit that asks 20 questions to figure out if your alcoholic or not..But in our Big Book, there are the first two questions that are not on that pamphlit that I think are more direct and if your honest with your self, will be all you need to know if YOU are alcoholic or not.
those to questions are in this paragraph below.

Chapter 4

WE AGNOSTICS

In the preceding chapters you have learned something of alcoholism. We hope we have made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic. (#1) If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, (#2) or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.

For some people, " quit entirely " might mean, beer, wine, whiskey, scotch, tequila, etc. For a lot of us it means, " entirely" anything that will affect the way I see reality, IE: herb, Valium, xanax, antidepressants ( we are not doctors, so we stay out of that, but I know for me, what was diagnosed as clinical depression was in fact the depression of the overly self involved and spiritually depressed ) I have an illness which ONLY a spiritual experience will conquer. If you can answer yes to both of those questions, Then ya, AA is right for you...and if you give your self a chance here in AA, and do the program ( which by the way is in the Big Book, not allways the meetings ) YOU can have an amazing life with out the struggles that alcohol put on you...I hope you make it, the odds are against you, because the disease centers in the mind and your probably thinking your case is different. Something every single one of thought, only to be beatin to a bloody pulp by king alcohol.
There is a good life here in AA brother, hope you find it...

-- Edited by billyjack on Wednesday 23rd of February 2011 01:34:02 PM

Mad_Jasper · Veteran Member

I appreciate your stories that you shared and your advice. I spoke briefly with my unfortunately soon to be ex and asked her directly if my drinking had been a problem and she replied, "not at all". Nonetheless, it has become a problem for me and that's all that mattered. Heather, what struck me about your post and others that I've read on the forum is the use of the word "yet". Over the weekend, I was thinking about how my life has changed since I was first married in 1993, mainly the last 5 years. I let the bitterness of marital problems eat away at me. 5 years ago, I would have never even thought that I would be a cheater that broke up two marriages, a divorcee, and have a drinking problem. As I type this today, I have broken up a 16 year marriage (mine) and a 10 year marriage (M), was remarried just 3 months after the dirvorce was final, and now well on my way, barring a miracle from God, to being divorced twice in a less than I year. What a destructive path. Although alcohol did not play much of a part in this until the last few months, I fear that if I continue, I'll acomplish a lot of the things I haven't done "yet".

God first. I'll pray for all those I've hurt during the last few years. Then myself to be healed of the guilt and pain associated with my past actions and I'll pray the same for M. And I'll pray for our marriage to be restored, though it seems lost at the moment. I just began Christian counseling last night and I think I will go to the AA meeting tomorrow night. Though I haven't really craved an alcohol in almost a week, I want to want to never touch alcohol again.

LinBaba · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to the forum, You've recieved great experience, none of which I can add to frankly, this is one of the best threads for a newcomer I have ever seen on this forum, but what I can point out was when I was drinking I didn't think my drinking was causing nearly as many problems as everyone else seemed to think, it's just I was this train wreck of relationship disasters, romantic and otherwise, and it wasn't until I had quit drinking for awhile and worked the steps with a sponsor that I realized it was the thinking that went with my drinking that was the culprit.

Alcohol makes us inhabit two seperate and distinct realities, our intentions and our actions, and frankly they don't match, we become masters of the "double bind" because we are in one, what I mean by the double bind for example is if someone tells us they love us, and then hurts us, the actions don't match the words, or the intentions, I always had these great intentions and I was always letting people down, I was always hurting people.

In AA we learn that drinking is but a symptom, we are suffering from a spiritual malady, all alcoholism is is an imperfect spiritual longing, but it creates a lie that we live in, and we end up destroying everything we touch, even if our outsides look good

Alcoholism is a two fold malady, an obsession of the mind coupled with an allergy of the body, our mind lies to us to get us to drink, then the physical allergy kicks in and we want more. I never "related" to the words "obsess", "compulsion", "craving" etc when I came to AA because the truth of the matter, I didn't wait that long, if I wanted to drink, I did, and if I wanted more, I drank more, it wasn't until I tried to quit and my mind started making me jump through hoops to try and get me to drink that I understood, I learned that alcoholism is smarter then me and it will do ANYTHING to make me drink, if I had a few drinks because I was stressed, when I quit drinking my mind created more stress (out of nothing) then I had ever experienced in my life, it made me homicidal, suicidal, it tried EVERYTHING to get me to drink, I had anxiety, panic attacks, and it was all my alcoholism trying to talk me into drinking or numbing with drugs, I was a train wreck AFTER I quit drinking, more then before, and frankly, on my own I was powerless over the first drink, I'd wake up, swear I wasn't going to drink for -X- amount of time, and literally at 5pm be looking down at a beer in my hand (my third) with no idea how it got there, it might have taken a few days but the the day would come, then once I started drinking I couldn't always tell you what was going to happen, now I wasn't like these gutter types (haha) that had one drink then went on these horrific benders, my alcoholism was more subtle then that, it played russian roullette with me, and I never knew when the gun was gonna go off

here's a few links if you are interested in pursuing these ideas further

Here is the reality drinking creates

Here is why I had to work the steps

Here is the root of our problem

Please feel free to drop by a meeting, my experience was the same as Heather, I walked in and felt at home with a group of people for the first time in my life, go to more then one meeting, personally I'd avoid any near downtown for awhile, look for a meeting in a church in a nice neighborhood, so you see "normal" alcoholics, as opposed to the under the bridge types, it will help you identify whether you are in fact an alcoholic or not, Billy Jack asked the pertinant questions, but someone on here might have mentioned normal drinkers don't have drinking problems, they never wonder if they are alcoholic or not, because when drinking becomes a problem, they stop drinking, as in BEFORE it becomes a problem

One of the biggest things about alcoholism is it tells you that you don't have it, not only that but an alcoholic can look down on other people while laying facedown in a gutter, our egos are HUGE, so it might not behoove you to use your own thinking in making a diagnosis, maybe take the 20 questions and hit a few meetings

looking forward to hearing more from you

-- Edited by LinBaba on Wednesday 23rd of February 2011 09:26:35 PM

Mad_Jasper · Veteran Member

I answered the 20 Questions and the result was quite frightening. I answered honestly and if I wasn't sure, I said no. I answered yes to 7 question.

ferrisdp · Senior Member

As Mike B said, this is a progressive disease. I'll bet for most of us here, if we look back through our drinking "careers", the # of yes responses grew steadily year after year. That's the thing, it never gets better if you stay out there, only worse. And unfortunately, it can get much worse, as many here can attest to. But it doesn't have to, can't hurt to try a few meetings, right?

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Mad Jasper... you described a lot of codependency issues that are going along with your drinking. I think AA will do you good, but I think you might benefit from looking up literature on codependency. It was a huge factor behind my drinking...fear of loneliness, failed relationships, overreliance on others, people pleasing, resentments....

See if you get anything out of Codependent No more and/or The language of letting go. Both good books.

P.S. You are certainly not alone with regard to the failed relationship thing...most of us here drank because we were not happy with ourselves and it is always said that you cannot love another until you love yourself. This is true unfortunately. When you dedicate time to sobriety, self-improvement and such, your relationships will improve too.

Peace,

Mark

Mad_Jasper · Veteran Member

I just had a major anxiety attack. I don't know what brought it on. Of course, I have a lot on my mind but it hit me out of nowhere after feeling mostly ok for the last few days. I kept thinking that I couldn't be this person that I am now. How did I get here? Then came the first thoughts I've had in over a week of wanting a drink. I'm calming down now... but God that was hard. I always imagined turning 40 would bring great things... not a nervous breakdown.

LinBaba · MIP Old Timer

Mad_Jasper wrote:

I just had a major anxiety attack. I don't know what brought it on. Of course, I have a lot on my mind but it hit me out of nowhere after feeling mostly ok for the last few days. I kept thinking that I couldn't be this person that I am now. How did I get here? Then came the first thoughts I've had in over a week of wanting a drink. I'm calming down now... but God that was hard. I always imagined turning 40 would bring great things... not a nervous breakdown.

Alcohol(ISM) does that to make me drink

Hard to explain, but alcoholism isn't what happens when you drink per se, it's an inability to handle life without drinking, my alcohol(ISM) will give me panic attacks (because it knows I drink to "chill out") it will give me unbearable stress (because it knows I drink to "chill out"), it will make me homicidal and suicidal (because it knows I drink to "chill out")

I don't drink always necessarily because I like to drink (although I love it) I drank because I had the symptoms only a drink will "cure"

Welcome to the world of your mind lying to you and doing whatever it can to make you feel that you -need- a drink, that's called -untreated alcoholism-

Drinking was never our problem although there came a day when we thought it was, drinking was our answer, and one day it turned on us and became "the problem" but it was never the problem in the first place, but it takes a few days of trying to live without drinking to begin to figure that out, we don't have a "drinking problem" we have a "living problem" and drinking becomes our answer until it stops working and begins to create more problems then it "cures, then we are well and truly screwed, because not only do we have a living problem we have a drinking problem on top of it

We do have an answer here, have you gone to any meetings yet?

in the meantime, give this a listen

A Disease of Perception

-- Edited by LinBaba on Thursday 24th of February 2011 07:22:34 PM

Mad_Jasper · Veteran Member

I went to a meeting tonight. I'm still trying to absorb what was said... not intellectualize everything as I am prone to do. One thing for certain is that there was a peace in the room. It felt good to be in there.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Great start MJ! I started this journey in the same spot as you. Fresh off a break up of a long relationship...freaking out anxious, panic attacks from all the major changes at once....detoxing....brain befuddled more than I wanted to admit from stopping drinking. It will get better if you stick with the program. You need help...it is okay to ask for it and to receive it.

HeatherK · Veteran Member

The peace you felt in the meeting is what keeps me coming back. AA will help you with that anxiety...and fear not- you aren't losing it! I have had many strong responses to new emotions in sobriety, some of them frightening to an alcoholic like me, who was used to numbing out my feelings and avoiding pain. Breathe through it. Meditation has helped me a great deal, along with prayer and regular attendance at my home group, my weekly meeting that I chair, and various other groups during the week, including a codependency group. I agree with the person who said you may have some codependency issues, as well. It is very common, but one thing at a time...and sounds like sobriety needs to be the first priority.

Hang in there, buddy, it gets better and better. Do you have a birthday yet? Meaning the date of your last drinking? If not, it is suggested in the program that you pick a date and keep it. At a meeting, ask about the promises. The promises have helped me develop a new sense of hope that was desperately needed. I go back to the promises whenever I'm feeling irritable, stressed, angry, or anxious. In those times, I also need to get to a meeting as soon as possible or speak with my sponsor.

You can do this, if you want it. And it sounds to me more and more like you really want this thing. I was going to say I wish you the best, but that isn't completely accurate. I wish you better... important to focus on progress, not perfection! Warmly, Heather

Mad_Jasper · Veteran Member

Last week was stressful with M moving out. We haven't spoken at all... it's just bizarre. I had my daughter this weekend and we got home Friday night, M had moved most of her stuff. I moved my old bed back into the bedroom and during that time that I had a very intense feeling to drink. More than a craving - I don't know how to explain it. I asked my daughter for a few minutes alone and hit my knees after an encouraging conversation from an AF.

Since, I have been better. I did pick up Co-Denpentent No More this weekend and will start reading this week. I'll attend a meeting tonight and tomorrow night, before my daughter is back with me a for a few days. I have conseling tomorrow night as well. The last day that I had a drink was Friday, February 18th.

I prayed over the weekend about my marriage. I sent M and email today letting her know that I was making changes in my life and that I hoped she would not file for divorce until she had a chance to get to know the me that I will become. I left it at that. It's all in God's hands now.

Mad_Jasper · Veteran Member

I also had a sort of a revelation over the weekend. I've always had big problems with pride. Pride has screwed up a lot of things for me. And most often, a prideful response would result in regret and an apology, met with rejection only to bring about an even more prideful response.

After feeling sorry for myself all week, I realized that all of these things that I have done, and the consequences thereof, have presented me with a wonderful opportunity to change my life. Pride is suddenly not a problem for me anymore... it's just absent from me. I'm sure that my spiritual growth and not drinking have been the biggest factors in clearing up my head, but getting pride out of the way seems to be a major step in making the changes I need to move forward in a positive direction.

I am just really thankful that pride is not getting in my way right now.

I am also thankful for my ex-wife and her husband. She has been a great friend to me over the past week. I've been able to pick up the phone and call her anytime I needed her and her husband has been nothing but encouraging even though it has to be awkward for him.

-- Edited by Mad_Jasper on Monday 28th of February 2011 10:40:55 AM

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

MJ you've very qood at expressinq your fellinqs and you write very well. It doesn't seem possible for someone that thinks, feels, and writes this well would be doinq the sort of thinqs that led up to your current situation.
Do you ever feel like there is two of you sharinq your physical beinq? qood call on the book, alcohol may not be your primary addiction, but rather one that you switch off to.