Hi, I was sober since August 2007 until yesterday at 4pm.
A massive panic attack was the cause - I've suffered with them on and off throughout my life but recently they have gotten a lot worse.
Yesterday's was the worst ever in my recovery; I thought I was going to die, go mad, and it just kept building and building. I believe I had no choice whatsoever.
I thought alcohol might kill it and I was desperate. I ran into a large but very quiet bar and ordered 2 whiskys and a pint of beer. It worked, but it took around half-an-hour for me to calm down - I haven't experienced terror like that for a long time.
I carried on drinking, got very drunk but somehow got home safely.
What am I doing wrong? I have a sponsor I get on with well - this past year I've done a great deal of step work - I've just taken Steps 6 and 7. I have AA contacts, I have a home group, I have 'go-to' people whom I can talk with when my sponsor isn't available.
I know medication isn't the answer to my panic attacks - there aren't really any meds that are effective or particularly safe, but I feel caught between my alcoholism and other illnesses.
Welcome Richard! First thing it is not the end of the world.It happens, this illness is a monster as you are aware.I can only suggest that you look inside and see if you have been hanging onto any "reservations" in your program..Things that we may tell ourselves we'll drink if this happens ,that happens,etc..Relapses are usually never accidents there is something going on..(you thought drinking would help?).Secondly ,you have been doing the work and I don;t see where you "immediately" called someone when you were ready to pick up again...We do have choices once we put down the substance.Believe me the shame is not in the relapse the shame is in not making it back,and here you are ,so God is gracious and merciful!!Pick yourself up,dust yourself off and go even deeper..Once you have worked the program ,relapse can be the jarring experience that brings about a more rigorous application of the program. We are told ,If you have relapsed it is important to remember that getting back to the process as soon as possible or it may only be months ,days or hours before we reach a threshold where we are gone beyond recall..Our disease is so cunning!!Take 5 mintues,self flagelate and get back to it!! Glad you made it!!!! Just for Today you never have to drink again!!!Peace..
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
panic attacks are gross for sure, however, i am wondering who u called when this was happening? my sponsor talks me through it if i need that, i also have other tools to deal with this. there are alternative ways to deal with this without medicating with alcohol or drugs. google panic attacks and coping methods..it walks u thru how to deal with it. i would also time it, this kept me focused on that it had to be over eventually (as well as the breathing thing) during an attack u breathe in a shallow fashion so the deep deliberate breathing excercise helps a lot. there is also root causes for these which are as varied as the people who get them. Perhaps some therapy is in order? Self care is everything..its like being diabetic, know your illness, get educated. i have had this for decades, sometimes its no day at the beach. somedays i feel like joan of arc successfully slaying my "dragons" overall there is nothing my higher power doesnt help me with as long as i REMEMBER to ASK. ( i capitalized that cause i forget to ask a lot.lol) hugs to u and today is a new day :)
You're both right - I didn't think of calling anyone, I felt there was no time and the panic had been building and building. It was only afterward (but before I proceeded to get drunk) that I called my sponsor and one of my close contacts.
Cindy, the problem I've been having lately with the panic attacks seems very random; sometimes I just don't get them, and other times I get nervous in different situations but am able to do the deep breathing or divert my thinking somehow. I need to delve a bit deeper, I think, and learn to take better care of myself. For a few weeks I had thought that if the panic got so bad then I would just drink, but didn't really take that thought seriously, if that makes sense.
This week was stressfull (a bit) for me. I live above a grocery store and one of it's big industrial fridges was malfunctioning and making an annoying loud hum at night. But I get on well with the owner and he said it would take a few days to fix - this I think I found only a bit annoying but maybe it had more of an effect than I let on to myself.
Also, the charger on my laptop broke Monday morning and it tookj a few days for the store to order a replacement (I was on my way to this store to pick up the new charger yesterday afternoon when the panic and my binge happened.)
I don't drive and I walk everywhere which isn't usually a problem for me. But I'm aware - and this is stupid - that I walk too fast, I just can't seem to slow down but I know this isn't good for my anxiety levels.
Coffee - I felt better when I cut my intake right down but this has gone up recently and I know it's not good.
Thank you both for your replies and I welcome any more.
I have not experienced full-blown panic attacks, my children have. I've experienced panic symptoms such as a racing heart, eye twitches, etc. I believe I would have had full-blown panic attacks, especially during my divorce, had it not been for my daily meditation practice. I meditate 20 minutes every day, twice a day, to me, it is addicting. The nervous system gets a vacation in meditation. An old friend used to say, "I meditate to levitate." Sounds corny, but I get it... to sit quietly with my HP is nothing less than a high.
Anyway, my kids are now practicing a bit (mom is not so dumb after all, duh) and I don't remember the last time they've had an attack. Feel free to PM me if you need suggestions getting started.
Late last year, I had some heavy news hit me all at once, and the symptoms appeared again. Acupuncture is very helpful when I am in crisis. I found a chiropractor who offered it, as well as applied kinesiology. It really got me through, it was like she waved a magic wand over me, I felt incredibly peaceful for the next few days. I saw her for 5-6 visits. As you describe... something had to be done, I could not calm myself. I did call my sponsor though, I know I gotta call my sponsor when I am coming un-glued, in whatever fashion. She approved the acupuncture and suggested I step up my meetings.
I really don't think the drink "worked" for you, Richard, please don't let yourself believe that. I think the panic would have subsided on its own in that period of time.
Today is a new day! I give thanks to your HP that you survived it! Thank you for sharing it with us, I look forward to hearing more from you. Namaste
-- Edited by gladlee on Friday 11th of February 2011 01:11:41 PM
-- Edited by gladlee on Friday 11th of February 2011 07:14:40 PM
I'm guilty of not doing a lot of things. My sponsor is great and she got sober in Virginia Beach in America. She's given me mp3s of Clancy, Vince Yeo, and a meditation one called Tree, Dragonfly, Water that I just haven't listened to.
I felt I was diligent in Step 4, but the meditation side of recovery I just haven't gotten into.
I'm with gladlee... I doubt if the drinking "helped" the attack at all. It just got you drunk.
Growing up believing I was a mental FU, alcohol seemed to be the answer to all of my anxieties and fears when I discovered it. I can't say it was right or wrong that I chose to start drinking back when I did at age 18 - knowing that alcoholism ran in my family, knowing it was fatal. The choice to drink was mainly peer pressure, something I hadn't experienced in high school due to my almost total lack of friends/peers. The college environment was different - people drank openly, it was a big part of the dormitory culture. But alcohol really was not a solution, just a diversion - which of course brought on problems of its own. When I came to AA, it was because of the consequences of my drinking, not because of my fundamental FU. It was when I was just a few weeks sober and the mental FU kind of picked up right where I had left it back in early college, that I told somebody at a meeting about it and he said "That's alcoholism, bro".
That was both a revelation and a relief - I finally knew what I was (and had always been), and at the same time knew there was a solution and I was standing right in the middle of it. Right now, the line from the Big Book just popped into my head, "Being convinced we were at Step Three".
Aloha Puzzled...sounds like you came face to face with the "cunning, powerful and baffling" aspects of alcoholism. You went back to the one habit you know how to do real well while there were lots of other choices. Baffling especially after all the work and follow thru on the suggestions.
I want to know more...not about the panic attacks because I have them also along with the nightmares and terrors and the like but about how the mind set snuck in (cunning) and took hold even while you were working on another sober day. Why do I want to know more? Cause this is and has been that part of my own recovery which I work the hardest on...defense against the next one if there ever will be one. I am alcoholic and had to be shown that while I was not accepting it. I am alcoholic even when my family yells I am not. I am alcoholic having suffered the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual symptons of the disease and still my alcoholic personality whispers..."You can handle this" when the ideation rises before me. I know about compulsive relapse on other chemicals and behaviors and have not experienced it with hooch...yet.
I believe that all of us who have been graced by long term alcohol free/sobriety must listen to the relapser because "there but for the grace of God...". I want to know. I'd like to hear how a panic attack became the reason to drink again. I work a program that reduces the probability of my fear causing that to happen again. I've learned because of many stories from members such as yourself to react or respond to fear very different than I use to when I was drinking. I want the opposite of that so I do the opposite of what I use to.
I'm all ears to you and others now. I'm at my desk...teach me...please.
I'm guilty of not doing a lot of things. My sponsor is great and she got sober in Virginia Beach in America. She's given me mp3s of Clancy, Vince Yeo, and a meditation one called Tree, Dragonfly, Water that I just haven't listened to.
I've tried a lot of mediation stuff over the years. Actually before I got sober I got some self-hypnosis weight loss tapes. I don't think I ever was much into the hypnosis trance - I'd listen to these on headphones at bedtime. I remember one of them talked about imagining "an old barrier to achieving a healthy weight" as a rusty old gate, which I now had the key to. One day it dawned on me that 15 beers a day was "a barrier to achieving a healthy weight"... LOL. I still wonder today if those tapes help plant the seed that got me to AA.
When I was sober a few years I got more meditation tapes... self-confidence builders, or just relaxation. Some were actually pretty good and relaxing. Some of these voice mediation narrations are really nice to listen to, others make me sit up and say WTF???... like the one that says "if you have some saliva go ahead and swallow it". Others just made me bust out laughing with the silly imagery, or just the tone of voice. It has been a long time since I listened to any of the tapes... I discovered other meditation methods that I've used sporadically, but not to the extent that I did before.
TBQH, I meditate in the bathroom at work - just for a minute or so. I just sort of lean up against something and relax all my muscles, drop my shoulders, take a few deep breaths. It makes a big difference on my stress level. It has been quite some time since I did anything more elaborate. I also get massages now and then, and I find them to be pretty meditative as well. Which is pretty ironic... when I was drinking the idea of paying someone to touch me for an hour, and not getting sex in the deal, was unthinkable. Since I've been sober I've probably had well over 200 massages and each was a unique and special experience. Actually just the idea of doing nothing for an hour was repulsive to me until I gave it a try, and it took me many sessions before I could get "in character" for the massage right away. Early on, I was about ready for a massage around the time it was over... LOL.
I been in the program for over 10 years, and have done just about everything wrong you can do wrong. At almost seven years I got drunk while never leaving the rooms. I was in contact with other alcoholics, prayed on a somewhat regular basis, had a few guys I sponsored, and made meetings most every day. As a matter of fact, I was at my mens stag home group just twenty min before I started pouring vodka down my throat, almost against my will. A few months before I drank, I was hurting real bad, was in a series if depression and anxiety that was off the charts. After I drank I came back to my AA room the next morning and ratted on my self cause I knew it was the only thing that would keep my out of the land of the living dead. Because of all the work I had done in the steps and in the rooms, I knew I had to do a 4th and a 5th step and I did it in the next week. I invited God to be there and show me the truth about me. I found an equation in the book that was really a BFO ( bright flash of the obvious ).... lack of power was my dilemma/ there is one who has all power....( remember God ) I drank, not cause I chose to because I lost the choice in drink decades before. I drank because I lost the power.. I put a wedge between my and God and lost the power..My wedge was a dishonesty " I was defending " a big one.. I was in a relationship with a married woman, and made all kinds of excuses why it was ok, while all the time I knew better but bullshitted my self till I almost believed my bullshit..I made my life so painful, I had to pour alcohol on it. I remember pouring it down my throat and my head was screaming NO NO NO. I have over three years now, and am as strong as I ever was, right back in the middle of AA, and I feel comfortable in my skin most of the time because I do my best to keep the wedges from between me and God. I do my best not to defend my mistakes or my dishonesty when it crops up.
That was my wedge....You have yours, and if you want to be back in the sun light, you have to figure out what your wedge is, and with Gods help, remove it and come clean, although I suspect you already know what it is. I hope you make it!!!!
Oh ya, one more thing, you might think about getting a male sponsor. I learn a lot from the lady's, but AA experience has shown, men with men, woman with woman, work the best....just sayin..
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Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
Jerry F, New Year's Day was the last time I felt really well, in control, content, really.
We'd had the coldest December ever recorded where I live, and from the end of November to just before New Year the whole city was ice and snow-bound, more snow than I'd ever seen in my city before.
This has a bad effect on me - winter the year before was also severe, and when it's like that walking distances is problematic - I never got round to buying special socks for the outside of my shoes, or those crampon type things.
So I was going to fewer meetings for that month, just my home group which is close by where I live, and one other. It seemed my anxiety got worse during this cold period, and like many other people a kind of cabin fever set in.
But on New Year's day it had all melted and I was able to walk the 5 miles to a meeting where I was asked to share, then go on to another meeting. I felt well.
Since the beginning of the year the weather has been mild - no issues with travel, but my anxiety has returned, particularly when I'm walking places.
I'm not really trying to blame the weather, but it had an effect: my meetings went down, and the general fear of panic attacks and just not coping hasn't got any better since the turn of the year.
I've only really just thought this out, and I'm not really sure if it's a valid point, even, but it might give you a better picture of how things have been.
Richard
-- Edited by puzzled on Friday 11th of February 2011 02:31:50 PM
I also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and a bad one was the cause of my last relapse, so I sympathize. Unfortunately for us, we know that alcohol is a great way to kill an attack in the short-term and when you're in the middle of one it's hard to get outside the attack to think of other options.
It seems remedial, but I now have a list taped to my bedroom mirror of what to do if I am having a panic attack, so I can just go through the list without having to think about it. Things like, calling my sponsor, calling the AA hotline if it's late at night, run up and down my stairs 10 times, etc. Usually by the time I have done everything on the list, the panic attack has subsided. There is also a big note reminding me that the feeling will subside after a while *even if I don't drink.* I find that reminding myself of that is helpful.
It sounds like you have researched all the other obvious things to manage anxiety like avoiding caffeine, exercise, etc. An hour a day of hard cardio in the morning is essential for management of my anxiety. I can't meditate sitting still, but I find listening to a guided meditation CD while walking is effective for me.
Finally, you said that "there aren't really any meds that are effective or particularly safe" -- I agree that the most effective meds for me (benzos) are not an option for an addict -- but SSRIs are safe, non-addictive and effective for a lot of people, including myself. If you haven't talked to your doctor already about it, I think that would probably be a useful conversation.
Mahalo Puzzled and BJ and 12stps. What I get again for me is reaching that point (eff it point) where absolutely nothing is worth my sobriety including me doing it to me. That as valueable as my sobriety is (daily) I need to blow it up.
That fits with my emotional personality. I am oppositional defiant. During my drinking years I use to think "No" all the time even when it wasn't required and so I would definantly resist everything and anything which might have in some measure some use for me. Today "I think" there is nothing that can shake my tree and drive me back to the bottle and thinking isn't one of my strong suits. I had to surrender my thinker to the fellowship when I got here and often still do having my local recovering family participate in what is going on with me and giving me feedback and ESH.
Dr. Harry Tiebout, one of our early non-alcoholic professional supporters and participants wrote out his finding about the difference between submission and surrender and not saying that this might have weight in this discussion it is what comes up for me all of the time. The difference between the conscious and subconscious awareness. He said that on a conscious level, in submission, we say that we are powerless and can never ever take another drink while on the subconscious level the story is that one day there will come a time when we can drink safely.
I am grateful for the fellowship and your most recent shares because I know on a subconscious level...I cannot do this alone and if I find myself back at that place of isolation which was so common to me and my drinking, with all of that "false evidence" hammering on my justifications that I can drink safely, I might also pass up my conscious awareness and drink. I am no longer able to act surprised due to what I have been taught.
I drank after almost 20 years! The disease is cunning baffling and powerful. Nothing was wrong. I was fine. I simply thought I could drink again. When I stopped the first time in 1983 I did not relapsed again until 2003. Only picked up 2 white chips 20 years apart!. Did Ok for 3 years after the relapse, then it came back like before. Took me about 4 years later to come back into AA . But had to hit a few of my "yets" (i.e.Haven't done that yet or this yet etc) Got a DUI, first ever, did other things that drunks do.
Learned a hell of a lot. Relapse did teach me a lot and glad it didn't kill me first. You have gotten good advice from the other posters. Learn from your experience and you will be better for it. Don't try to blame yourself as to what you did wrong, it will only beat you down. You would have to go all the way back to your conception and birth to really try to understand why you are an Alcoholic and why alcohol destroys us. We are born this way. It's an evil disease.
At least you are back, sooner than I did. My pride kept me out. Working on that again with this go-around
There are medications that are effective and relatively safe for panic disorder. You don't have to be on benzos... I am not a psychiatrist, but I have a fair amount of training and experience with meds...Buspar, Zoloft, Effexor and several other drugs are non-addictive ways of putting a huge dent in panic disorder.
You don't have to suffer with that illness as much as you are choosing to.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
To echo what PC said, my uncle, a retired Doctor, told my mom that panic attacks can and do have an impact on your physical health (when she was suffering from them). He told her to speak to her doctor abuot medication for them. No shame in speaking to your primary care physician about it. I suffered them too, they are miserable and you also spend a lot of time worrying about the next one.
The disease is cunning baffling and powerful. Nothing was wrong. I was fine. I simply thought I could drink again. When I stopped the first time in 1983 I did not relapsed again until 2003. Only picked up 2 white chips 20 years apart!. Did Ok for 3 years after the relapse, then it came back like before. Took me about 4 years later to come back into AA . But had to hit a few of my "yets" (i.e.Haven't done that yet or this yet etc) Got a DUI, first ever, did other things that drunks do.