I know i have a ways to go before even thinking about it but I was wondering for those that are married now or in a relationship how you met them? From AA? also did you tell them right away you were alcoholic?
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
I'm gonna respond and then sit back and read. I met my current spouse in the program. Didn't want to be married (2x time like that) but what the hell did it anyway (wrong motivations and intentions). I know about busted, broken, blown up relationships so as long as I stay away from expectations of "the same", work this program of recovery (10th is mandatory for me) for myself, don't drink (automatic downward elevator to the basement) have a higher power greater than me and/or my wife it turns out we recently passed 16 years of marriage which is longer than the first two I had previously and her first one also. I've never gotten to a white picket fence or anything like that and there's nothing I'm inclined to fix cause I don't see anything broken.
Steve. Ill make you a promise. Bill recovered alcoholic.get a sponsor who has working knowlege of the program of recovery. Do what he tells you to do. And I promise you this you will let god make those desicions for you. Get your spiritual awakening first. Get a god of your understanding.and no you can borrow mine. Get your own.! I am an alcoholic. On my own I make bad decisions always the easier softer way.always selfish and self centered . I make choices based on how I am feeling when I make them.and I always get hurt afterwards. I could not take care of a gold fish when I got here. It would jhave surely died if it had to depend on me. Mind you my mind said I was different . In my first 9 months of soberiety and running my own life. I thought I stopped drinking so I can get a life. I conned a woman into dating me well actually I moved in 1 pair of jeans at a time.got her pregnant .she broke it off .and I was able to practice this way for 17 years and I was able to get custody. She is a member as well. And thank god neither one had to drink over it.you do what you want I did. And when the pain was there . I started in this process. . So. I let god make those desicions because I suck at it. Just my experience.
I usually try to avoid the topic at first by steering the first couple of dates toward activities that would not usually involve alcohol (meeting for coffee, going to the beach, etc.). Eventually it comes up that I don't drink and I usually say something vague like "I used up my lifetime allotment too quickly." If it seems like I will continue seeing them, there is usually an opportunity to being up that I am involved in AA. I go to a meeting every day plus do an outpatient program with Kaiser so anyone who starts to get involved in my life will start to notice pretty quickly that I've got something going on, and I don't want to feel like I'm sneaking around, but I also need to trust someone before I tell them I'm an alcoholic.
I know i have a ways to go before even thinking about it
My first answer would be, "Well, then don't think about it".
Does your sponsor know that you're asking about this in a public forum?
I am a bit of an anomaly (at least I've found it to be so over the years)- I married my high school sweetheart, but not until we were 26. And I had been sober for almost two years when we got married. The curious thing is that she doesn't think that I was ever an active alcoholic. She says, "Well, you were going through a rough time, and you made some bad decisions, maybe, but I don't think you're an alcoholic." And she's right about the first part of that, but there is certainly more to it- so much more! I could go on and on for awhile, but I won't do that in this thread.
The short answer to your question, though, is that we met when we were 17, and we've been married since 1999.
Steve, the first step, is to move away from neediness and dependence on people, place, and substances, in order to make room for relationships with yourself and a higher power. This takes being single for awhile. For me, it took a couple years. I was a hard case, and you are a lot like me.
This question, that you asked, imo, is a continuation of your obsession. How about another 90/90 thread?
It is okay to be lonely Steve...you are only gonna stay single this time by admitting your feelings. By the way...I didn't stay single my first year so I am not judging you. It is by God's grace I didn't relapse. I followed every other suggestion to a T except for that one. While I didn't drink over it, the relationship sucked and it slowed down my progress.
edit- It's not okay to be lonely...it's a halt sign....it's normal to get that way sometimes I what I am saying. You just need to be aware of it and not fool yourself.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 1st of February 2011 08:36:35 AM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
PC is right, there's no excuse to be lonely. We learn to have true friendships, with men and women, in the program, and with ourselves and our Higher power. This is a daily relationship with a HP, not just on Sundays.
First when I saw your Post, my thought went to...Steve has made a wrong way turn on a one way road...
Pause for a second, promise, ok, close your eyes and now recall how for so many years you PRIMARY Relationship was with alcohol. No matter if you had a girlfriend at the time or not. Let your new life,your be your love, after working all the Steps, you will certainly feel like a new person.
Oops, just realized I am the one that has made a wrong way turn on a one way road, it is about my own Experience, Strength and Hope, right.
Not in my first marriage, rarely did we drink, but after my divorce, somewhere in the following 10 years of being a week-end party girl, the progression grew fairly slowly, and when I met my husband I did not want him to know that I slowed so far down, couldn't see my problem, and I thought gee, well if I can do that maybe all that heavy drinking before could just be stopped.........not so.....that damn progression was waiting for me. I would yo yo around with it for the first 4 years, and whenever anything went wrong, like an bad argument, (we were both hot headed italians) so my solice was to go get something for drink, to calm down, ya think?, no it would aggrevate the argument. We always had a liquor cabinet, I made sure of that, and when my drinking started to escalate, my husband saw to it that that cabinet only had wine in it..... what a drag, so much more I have to drink, (I preferred the good stuff, like Sambuca, those heavy 80 liqours like.........gee I cannot recall the name. So the last years of our marriage, (and I really mean all of the years, my Primary relationship was NOT with my husband, it was with the bottles....the last year, the year he left was horrible, not going to go into it....but my recoverybegan, after I hit a really really hard bottom, attempting suicide....
So here I go back to the Bay Area, my home and a new Recovery, I was so happy to be home, where I had relapsed for so damn many years, yep, I still always had my eyes glued to any guy that looked cute, and decided that when attracted to any man, I promised myself that I would never go back to that meeting ever.....
I have never told anyone this before, but one day I was looking at this jewelry at a garage sale, and I spotted what appeared to be a very fine and very thin band of real gold. Well I bought it, the man selling it did not have a clue that it was gold, but in the smallest of print you could see 24K. Wow, I veared off the road again, haha, anyway I put it on my finger where woman put there wedding rings on, and in secret to just me, I called it my Sobriety ring, like be married to my Recovery and to my HP, whom I always choose to call God....
This took place at about 2 years, and I still did not know or have a clue as to how to love myself, but GOD was showing me how to have self respect, self esteem, and the very most important in how to love others uncondtionally.....this is such a great adventure steve, this Recovery thing, I was in love, still am, with the Program, the people, learning how to find that same love in others, trust, it was all so exciting to be on my own, to have male friends that were just that, and learning how to be just a friend......
We have all heard that saying, coined my Joseph Cambell, "follow your Bliss". To be spared an alcoholic death, to understand that I sit here only by the Grace of God. There is a lot of bliss in this heart of mine, how could there not be.
Steve, go buy a plant, if it is still alive, in one year, buy a pet, and and the end of the second year, if they are both still alive, then think about asking a girl out for a movie, remember dating comes first, and about the words above that were from a Sandra Bullock funny story about a Recovery Home. Those were the words of the Alcohol counselor when someone asked how soon can I have relationship...
Steve, the first step, is to move away from neediness and dependence on people, place, and substances, in order to make room for relationships with yourself and a higher power. This takes being single for awhile. For me, it took a couple years. I was a hard case, and you are a lot like me.
This question, that you asked, imo, is a continuation of your obsession. How about another 90/90 thread?
Quoted for truth
Get sober then get laid
I've done a few 1 year- 18 month celibacies
done my share of getting laid too but Sobriety first every time
-- Edited by LinBaba on Tuesday 1st of February 2011 09:02:29 PM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
When I first got sober...and for many moons afterwards..this dependency to have someone by my side on a full time basis..was a great emotional need.. To make a long story shorter and after 3 marriages in sobriety?? I tried the freinds with fringe benifits.. And being on my own... Works for this kid :) PS.. Keeping a sense of humour...and learning to laugh at ourselves..helps :)
-- Edited by PhilipD on Friday 4th of February 2011 07:05:37 PM
-- Edited by LinBaba on Tuesday 1st of February 2011 09:02:29 PM
Ditto, best thing that I ever did. I pulled almost a year of celibacy during my first marriage (with a little help of course lol) which gave me an entirely different perspective of the relationship. It became clear that it was just about one dimentional, and time for it for it to end.
