for 7 years i stayed out of relationship cause i needed to heal and work on stuff. last 5 months i got into a relationship for a couple of reasons..we have known each other since we were both in early recovery together . he has 18 yrs now, i rented the upstairs of the house he lives in so we both have our separate "spaces" and his roomate downstairs is in recovery too and an awesome guy..my son who has a variety of issues.(nearly successful suicide attempt, diagnosed and mildly mentally disabled) has been doing great since we move here...he is all hooked into the professionals he needs to be and the guys company has been great for him..myself on the other hand find myself in the most lonely relationship i have ever experianced. my sponsor called me on it..i need to get out of this situation, i feel totallly overwhelmed and afraid to change things. i dont want to blow my sons sense of security and we both love this neighborhood and house..my disability pension doesnt go far and we were living in "bad" neighborhoods for a long time..the peace of this one is still a novelty...moving means a one bedroom apt in a bad neighborhood again. (i give him the bedroom) He is 16 ..isnt it worth to suck it up for my kids sake? im thinking maybe i just wont talk about my relationship with "downstairs" guys to others anymore. What do u think?
Take your time...one step at a time; use the suggestions regarding how to get and stay sober and follow thru. Get rid of the fear (Jan 30 reading from the Daily Meditation Book) dust off the tools including that sponsor and trust in HP and don't sit on the curb as Biker Bills post includes. There are many perceptions to look at and help you create real change and for me I'm never able to do that from the perspective of fear and reaction. Thanks for bringing it here.
Maybe I missed something, but I am not understanding why you have to move? (I have a an aversion to "going backwards", which is what bad neighborhoods mean to me, so I do everything possible to avoid that.)
Ummm, I think Im a little confused too. Im thinking you moved there because you decided eto start a relationship with the 18 yr sober guy, and now that your there and in the relationship its not working out for you, but Its a great place, spot for your son?
So, you want to get out / away from the guy your in a relationship with, but dont want to move right?
my sponsor says to move out, and a few others have said this as well since im not sure this is the right "relationship" for me...my kid is happy here, hes doing a lot better since we moved into this place. As for the relationship it isnt horrible, hes isnt a bad guy. Its just we dont connect on a couple of levels, it feels fairly superficial. Ive never been in a situation like this before. My kids happiness and sense of security matters in a big way to me, having almost lost him made my perspective on everything in my life change. tons of stuff doesnt matter to me anymore. What im wondering is ..how important is it really that im not totally happy with this man in my life? And ya..its been pointed out to me that by being with him im not available to someone who would truly love me. and yes i would have to move cause he wouldnt be "nice" about it if i said i didnt want him on that level..
my sponsor says to move out, and a few others have said this as well since im not sure this is the right "relationship" for me...my kid is happy here, hes doing a lot better since we moved into this place. As for the relationship it isnt horrible, hes isnt a bad guy. Its just we dont connect on a couple of levels, it feels fairly superficial. Ive never been in a situation like this before. My kids happiness and sense of security matters in a big way to me, having almost lost him made my perspective on everything in my life change. tons of stuff doesnt matter to me anymore. What im wondering is ..how important is it really that im not totally happy with this man in my life? And ya..its been pointed out to me that by being with him im not available to someone who would truly love me. and yes i would have to move cause he wouldnt be "nice" about it if i said i didnt want him on that level..
So if you don't sleep with him you have to move out?
Are you sure? and if so, is that the kind of relationship you want for yourself no matter who it's for, son or no son? I heard once we are never confused about what to do, we just haven't made up our mind to do the right thing yet
Relationships exist on many levels, friendships, close friendships, families, etc, not all of them rely on sex
I don't know but I have never seen honesty and communication be the wrong choice, and thinking I would have to move out because of a situation that doesn't even exist seems a bit like projecting to me.
Maybe try communicating with him? "I find myself lonely and unfulfilled in this relationship, I value your friendship, and I am afraid you will throw me out if I stop sleeping with you but I find myself lonely in this relationship"
Your sponsor seriously suggested moving out before she suggested actual communication and dialog?
Interesting, personally I pick Sponsors in part by their knowledge of the Big Book, bits like:
Now about sex. Many of needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes absurd extremes, perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation.
Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?
We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test -was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers we re God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.
God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.
-- Edited by LinBaba on Monday 31st of January 2011 04:50:53 PM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
".how important is it really that im not totally happy with this man in my life?"
Good question! IMHO, The answer is "not very important". Shocking? maybe, but happiness, especially "total happiness" is a transitory thing, here one day and gone the next depending on our health or whether we got bawled out at work that day. Expecting any one person to provide me with total happiness all the time is just not reasonable. Nobody can do that.
I think the more important question is, does this man have character? i.e., is he willing to undergo prolonged discomfort for your benefit, willing to sacrifice for your health and security, trustworthy, and unlikely to back down once he's decided on something he thinks is right? IF SO, then I predict that your happiness with him will grow, no matter what you feel right now. If not, seriously consider a change.
My .02 cents only...
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
You have to ask yourself if you even have the communication with this man to address making the relationship better. Relationships are work and if you share the value of working on things, that is a start and it might be worth salvaging. If you don't even have that going, then you have your answer. Move on. You only live once.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
