I'll always be grateful for MIP, I've been here since 2006 on the al-anon board/chat room. It was there that I found my way into face to face recovery. I've been waiting to tell my story.... I fear being judged, because I have been. ("God, please spare me from the desire for love, approval or appreciation...") Anyway.....
My story:
It was obvious that my husband had a problem with alcohol and the MIP family here literally located the al-anon meeting for me to crawl into on Labor Day 2006. I eventually found a sponsor there, who sat in both programs... I wanted what she had, but dang, I sure felt sorry for her, for being an alcoholic. She occasionally suggested that I might be one too, so I'd just stop calling her for a few days. I was more direct with her once, insisting that I had quit drinking on my own, had never even vomited, never really got "drunk" because I would just get "too sleepy" (I was on anti-depressants at the same time) and I just didn't look anything like my husband! Please understand!!!
Five years earlier, my husband had accepted a job as President/CEO of a friends company, a friend he had shared a drug habit with in the early years of our marriage. I had an instinctual fear about it, those early years were pure hell... but the offer was soo financially attractive, that I agreed. I believed him when he said, "This will be the best thing that ever happened to our family."
Within days of the move, he was MIA and I was feeling abandoned again, just like the old days. Literally, I said to myself... "if you can't beat em, join em." I also reasoned that they were all millionaires, so how could there actually be a problem?? (I wanted what they had, hehe.) Thus began the Margarita Years. A margarita (or two) every day until I would "get sleepy" and go to bed. But.... we were now together (picture bluebirds and hearts floating around our heads) ... I was now included! I had gained their acceptance! He was now coming home on time and we would sit together with our margaritas on the backyard swing... bitch about all the assholes in the world.... and then I would take "my nap" and he would watch TV until bedtime.
Things got out of control eventually, I became very depressed, I went to see an alternative doctor, went on a cleanse which excluded sugar in all its forms, including alcohol. So I quit drinking, joined al-anon, eventually my husband moved out, and the divorce proceeded.... I began to get more stressed. One day, I confided to my sponsor, that as I walked past my husbands scotch decanter, I decided to smell it. In my opinion, she seemed to waaay over-react and suggested that if I truly didn't have a problem, I probably wouldn't mind emptying all the liquor in the house. It felt like a dare, so I invited her to come over and help me empty it all. (Eventually I had to buy some brandy to make the cherries jubilee, and some whiskey for the bread pudding, some wine for the risotto........)
I eventually decided to move back to my home state. I began having nightmares that I would drink again when I moved home because... I come from an alcoholic family, that is what my family does!! Plus, I was beginning to feel enormous anxiety. I didn't understand why I was so frightened. Two weeks before the actual move, I got Bronchitis which made me sooo effing angry at God, how could I get sick NOW, at this critical time when I had so much work to do... I had not been sick for at least 3 years, my immune system had become so strong, why now??
well...... it gave me more time to spend in the al-anon chat room where I met someone who had recently realized he was an alcoholic... and he started suggesting I was too. What?!! Just because I used Bach Flowers Rescue Remedy? (27% alcohol) Well, the relationship was waaay too much fun to log off for good, so I stayed, and we chatted every day. One day, he described alcoholism as a "sickness of the soul," and I sooo understood that. Probably that same day, my sponsor phoned and asked if I wanted to join her by going to "one of those crazy AA meetings." I said, " You know what? I feel crazy enough to do that!"
It was not at all what I expected, I didn't feel different from "them." I felt a wonderful connection. So I kept going to that noon meeting, in that little church room... I will never forget the warmth and love in that room. (And, I much preferred these meetings to al-anon, these people actually worked the steps, hehe.) I would introduce myself as " ------, I have a desire not to drink today." And, I just kept going back.
One day, "Chuck" the old guy with 30-plus years of sobriety, turned directly to ME after my share and said, "ya know, I've been around a long time and when someone introduces themselves like that.... it pretty much leaves the door open to drink again."
OMG, I was insanely furious. How dare this SOB cross-talk and humiliate me like this!!! It wasn't until that evening that I recalled something my sponsor said to me, "if I have that kind of reaction, there may be some TRUTH to it." I calmed down, knowing that in truth....... I could not imagine NEVER drinking again. (Chuck died a few months later, I am grateful to you, Chuck! xx)
On October 31, 2009, I took the suggestion of my MIP friend and wrote about what I could recall about my drinking history, which ended 3 years earlier. I can't say I hit "rock bottom" that night, I don't even know the date of my last drink. All I can say of that night..... is that I experienced a "sacred moment." I will never, ever forget how different it felt, just to walk. I'll never forget looking at myself in the mirror, laughing and crying at the same time, the "scales" had fallen from my eyes... I understood now. Suddenly, my life made sense, I was an alcoholic. And I could now see, how God had been reaching for me from every direction, indeed I believe it was the reason I got sick, so that I would have this time to KNOW MYSELF before I went home to be near my alcoholic family.
The following week, I packed up my belongings, said goodbye to my gorgeous home in the exclusive gated community, and made the move back to my home state. God was so gentle with me that week... everything had fallen into place so beautifully.
It is so important for me to include this little story: During the 8 hour drive home, I began to think about everything, and I began to feel tremendous grief. Suddenly, I noticed a cop in my rearview mirror. He pulled me over, walked up to my car and asked, "Where do you have to get to so fast?!! Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
I guessed, "75?" And he motioned that I should guess higher.
I said, "85???" And he motioned yet again... higher!!
And I started sobbing, thinking, "How could I be so unconscious?!!" (not to mention, "this sounds effing expensive!") Tears began spraying from my eyes.
With a comforting voice he asked me, "What's going on?" I don't know how long I bent his ear as I cried, but he responded to me with the most gentle voice, saying,
"You know everything is going to be alright, don't you?"
The sobbing subsided, and I told him, "I know I should know that."
He said, "I want you to slow down and get there in one piece." And he let me go. I know I deserved a big fat ticket. As I drove away and resumed the trip, I knew that it was God who wanted to tell me... everything is going to be alright. I drove the rest of the way in gratitude. I was feeling His grace again.
I began to attend AA meetings, began introducing myself as an alcoholic. But, it didn't take long for this AA suit to feel "itchy." I began to have doubts as I compared my story and have often wondered if I am actually an alcoholic. It doesn't help that my family and kids do not believe I am an alcoholic.... And it didn't help that at one of my early AA meetings, a man celebrating his 16th Birthday turned to me after my share and said, "AA is not al-anon. (dramatic pause) ... and al-anon is not AA (and he looked directly at ME with another dramatic pause.) It is wrong to get them confused. We are here to talk about our drinking problem."
That was the day that I actually drove home from a meeting in tears, imagining that I could get kicked out of AA.... imagining myself hanging onto an AA table leg for dear life. So I phoned my sponsor, and she said, "------, you have a every right to talk about ANYTHING that threatens your sobriety." But, I sometimes still feel judged. Sometimes I still don't know where I belong.
This is getting long but...... I decided to join in here at MIP because my brain still wants to doubt that I belong in AA. I've had two sponsors, the first one chuckled and said, "well dear, I am not a gambling woman, but if I had to place my bet...." and she smiled at me sympathetically and put her arm around my shoulder. My current sponsor asked if I can identify at all with the fellowship, the feelings, the BB... and there is no question, I do. I know that the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking. This doesn't help either.... the way Bill W. describes alcoholism.... I do not have the compulsion or the "allergy." During the Margarita years, I certainly couldn't wait until my husband came home, and sometimes I didn't wait! So, okay there was a compulsion there. But my last drink, in fact, my last several drinks... I never finished.... the waiter had carried away more than half of my drink.
I understand why I drank during those years. I didn't want to be here anymore. I would imagine, no.... I would WISH that any effing truck that drove anywhere near me, would just effing hit me. Whenever I drove through the cemetery going into town, I longed for the peace that I imagined was there, I just wanted to lay down and be at peace too. At a time in my life when I had every material thing I had ever hoped for, the American dream come true....... I was full of despair, I was empty. It felt like my soul had already left me and I just didn't belong here anymore.
Some might describe my story as "high-bottom," but I don't know how much lower it gets.
Anyway.... there are many layers to my story.
I wanted to get this out today because..... I have put myself on an internet dating site... I was advised that I would get MORE matches delivered if I open up to include people who do drink. So I did. (MORE still sounds good to me.) Typically the people who want to communicate with me, look like they're about to have a coronary. But a match was delivered this week.... he is soo very handsome and intelligent.... (and he actually has a neck!!) But, he drinks "a few times a week." I haven't met him yet, but it's happening again....
My brain doesn't want to be an "alcoholic" this week.
Thanks for listening. And thanks for your patience as I've been posting here for awhile without introducing myself first. I was expecting someone to scold me for this... but you didn't. I am grateful.
I'm going to get to a meeting now... Namaste (((my friends))))
-- Edited by gladlee on Saturday 29th of January 2011 12:43:58 PM
-- Edited by gladlee on Saturday 29th of January 2011 12:58:12 PM
-- Edited by gladlee on Saturday 29th of January 2011 05:33:47 PM
-- Edited by gladlee on Saturday 29th of January 2011 08:49:44 PM
Thanks lola, my sponsor is well aware. Not wanting to be an "alcoholic" is nothing new for me.
My al-anon sponsor (double winner,) tells me, "It's just a word."
"Bottom line," she would say, "define the problem and what do you want to do about it."
For me, I do not want to drink. I never want to revisit that walk through hell again. I know my Higher Power saved me for a reason.
It was helpful for me to see my own story in print, I certainly do look a bit like an alcoholic. My apologies for not writing the condensed version, hehe
Go Figure....I related more than not. hmmmm and then of course I am doubled too. Some of what was told to you in the past on your journey was also told to me and more. I am grateful to my HP for how my HP has directed and manipulated my recovery path. I have done nothing except to be present when the fellowship came to support me and not to generate any justification for not being completely in my shoes at the time.
My family and my friends also use to tell me "I just couldn't be alcoholic" or "You're not an alcoholic Dammit!!" and then they never really knew what alcoholism was and what it looked like and felt like. I had never rented space in the gutter or a drunk tank or an emergency ward for drinking and then they never knew what it was that I never told them. I am a grateful member of the worldwide fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups who wishes never to have another drink thereby insuring that I never have to experience another toxic shock event because I refused to stop...drinking.
I have no qualms or judgements how my HP got me here or how my HP kept me in my seat and had me indure the experiences of my own judgements. I have no questions or confusion regarding choosing me to go 12 step a wet drunk when I held membership solely in the AFG. That choosing being ratified and supported by the AA servant for the AA central office where I got into recovery and who I called looking for another "drunk to help a drunk". After I followed thru as directed and supported, the man I went to talk with mentioned, "leave it up to AA to send another drunk to help a drunk".
Doubles are okay. Today I understand and accept that it isn't so much where I start it is how well I allow myself to be guided on this journey. I have been affected by someone elses drinking and I wish to never drink again. The program is inclusive.
I have been dry for a long time and sober a bit less by participating fully in the fellowship of the spirit in Alcoholics Anonymous. My home group is AA at the Bay, Leleiwi, Hilo, Eastside the Big Island, founded over 16 years ago by a small handful of drunks...1 straight AA and 2 doubles of which I am one. It has been called the most deeply spiritual AA meeting on the island (not by me) and a majority of its membership is in service to the meeting, the district and the area.
As a side note...our meeting is very often presented with rainbows, presently humpback whales who breach just off shore approximately 300 yards away from the meeting and a panoramic view of the northeast shore of our island. We believe that HP attends every meeting...Saturday and Sunday and that we are truely blessed as sober members of the worldwide fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Grateful and Mahalo gladlee for the share. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 30th of January 2011 12:47:31 AM
When I don't want to be "an alcoholic", I just self-describe as a person with the disease of alcoholism. Works for me :) Some days I am not "a diabetic", either, I am just someone who has diabetes. I have a disease (several, actually) but I am not the disease. Don't get hung up on the labels...most of them change over time with the culture anyway. What matters is once I know I have a certain disorder, what am I going to do about it?
Some stop the elevator before it hits the bottom floor. I personally don't need to know how much you drank, when and all that. It is more important that you have a program and a way of living and sobriety is a must for you to be happy. It sounds like you do firmly believe that and it is part of your step 1. No sense questioning it now. Thank you for sharing your story. I did identify with significant portions of it.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
