So I am a masters student here at a major university studying mechanical engineering and I'm struggling so much with various inferiority complexes on top of my alcoholism. I guess you could say they each feed into each other. Bottom line, I feel like one of the least competant students to emerge from our program in years. I'm struggling to make up the difference by going back and studying old texts from my undergrad years and they are just kicking my tail. I need to know this isn't a losing battle i'm engaged in. I mean I suppose I know in my head that it isn't but it just seems like everything around me disconfirms this.
sorry Jonny Appleseed, i am not a student, other than living a life in sobriety right now. but it seems all of us are being tested these days. at your school library there might be curriculum outlines, or notices of support groups in your same position, plus or minus the alcoholism part. reach out, pray, and be willing to learn. contact the administrator, or a former teacher. you will think of something and i will be praying for you. hugs sheila/jj
and welcome to the board. Surely there is, I can think of a couple here with Grad degrees. I'm not one of them, but I will say that studies are one day at a time, just like anything else. I would suggest praying and asking for help. My father would say that your fellow classmates "put their pants on the same way that you do...One leg at a time". If you want it badly enough it'll happen.
When I was in school-in my 30's--I learned I had to be willing to always put my sobriety first. My brain was still scrambled, I had long-term personal hardships and stressors, and other factors working against being successful in college and being early in sobriety at the same time.
I had to become willing to leave school if necessary, rather than put my sobriety at risk. It was hard to come to terms with that, but essential. For me, no sobriety meant no life, i.e. I'd be dead. Only the steps and the fellowship kept me on the right path, dispelling the fear and anger and second-guessing my future.
It didn't come to dropping out, but only because I continued to put sobriety first. Some instructors were willing to be a little flexible with some deadlines when I told them what I was dealing with; others were not at all interested in helping me stay in school; one told me I didn't belong there with such "personal problems". I have a Master's degree and a 20 year career proving him wrong; he's deceased--died of esophageal hemorraging from alcoholism.
My 2-cents worth? Hang tuff, head high, work your program, and accept help where you can find it.
You've gotten some good feedback here. Dean is absolutely right: all aspects of our lives -- school, work, family, etc. -- are taken one day at a time. I went to law school at 4 years sober, after having built a solid foundation in recovery (with my sponsor guiding me through the 12 steps). The most challenging part for me was balancing the demands of law school with the necessity of utilizing the tools of the Program, particularly attending meetings. I certainly went to fewer meetings when I was in school than when I was not, but I kept in close touch with my A.A. friends, and during breaks would get back to daily meetings. I can tell you that I am confident I would not have been able to deal with the stress of school and life without God and A.A. To give you some hope: with the solid recovery foundation, I did complete law school (now 17 years ago), and have been blessed with a very rewarding legal career.
I take it from your post that you're feeling that you might not have captured all of the foundation building blocks in your mechanical engineering undergrad studies. Particularly if you were drinking during undergrad (I was), this is completely understandable. It may be that you will need to continue picking up your undergrad texts to fill in any gaps, and perhaps get some tutoring or other academic support if available at your grad school. You might even consider if necessary taking a bit of time off from grad school, and see if you can audit some mechanical engineering undergrad courses that you think you could benefit from a refresher in.
The most important thing is to not lose sight of the fact that your sobriety must come first. If you put your sobriety first, all else will work itself out.
First off I want to thank everyone for responding. It truly means a lot to me for y'all to take time out of your day to read/respond to my ramblings. Where I'm at right now is the will to do anything about it. I'm in such a....I don't know...slump (?) right now that I just can't get motivated to do anything. I literally don't want to do/be anything right now. I just want to exist and it's a miserable existence. I know I can do it if I have the want to but right now I just don't want to deal with any of the nagging uncertainties in my life. How do I wake myself up from that?
Presnem, It's human nature to not want to work unless there is a payoff, something to gain. Making a several year commitment, with delayed gratification, takes discipline and faith. It also takes imagination, to see yourself in your new career. Many folks in your position take an intern position, so that they can develop this vision of their new life after earning their degree. Now some of us have a self esteem issue and this nagging little tendency to sabotage our success. It usually begins with self centered fear, of losing something that we have, or expect to get. So many times in our lives, things were going really well and then the bottom fell out on us. After this has happened a couple dozen times, we get a little gun shy, figure that it's better to have never had anything nice, then having to experience having lost it, again. Till we change how we see life, and ourselves in it, beginning with letting go our old ideas and the past absolutely, we're not going to find the motivation to defer gratification for that long. How do we do that, you ask? Well you're in the right place to ask such a thing.
Presnem, you don't mention if you are still drinking or not. To us, an alcoholic might be someone who is actively drinking, or someone who has the disease and is managing it by abstaining. What's your status in that regard?
The reason I ask is that, for an alcoholic, drinking makes every other problem seem way bigger than it actually is.
PS I'm an ME too!
-- Edited by zzworldontheweb on Saturday 29th of January 2011 10:19:09 PM
__________________
Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
