To test yourself? To THINK about having a few beers while you play WoW (I used to just LOVE to drink and play video games) or while making dinner or cleaning the kitchen? Reward beers used to be the best beers. Now, if I think about it, I actually have a physically uncomfortable feeling. It's hard to explain. I can clearly physically remember the high that a beer buzz used to give me, but what is far more clear is the mental confusion the next day.
What day is it?
Did I forget to set my alarm?
What did I say?
Or mental disappointment.
I didn't get (fill in the blank) done. (Unfortunately, I'm still lazy about laundry at times, and being sober hasn't changed THAT).
I didn't handle THAT situation well.
or mental (blank) or mental (this) or mental (that). I knew the whole last year or so of my drinking career that I was losing my mind. Finally I came to the realization that the alcohol was CAUSING that. I am not sayin' that I don't have some times of anxiety or moody-whoo-hoos from PMS occasionally, but it's not a daily battle like it was before.
And, oddly enough, it doesn't bother me a bit to be around booze. I don't make a habit of being the only sober friend at a keg-er, but I've been around drinking and drunk folks in the last few months, and not only did it not bother me, but I didn't even look at THEM differently like I thought I would.
THEY can drink. I can't. It's like a kid that's violently allergic to peanut butter. It SMELLS good, and you don't begrudge anybody else their right to enjoy it, but you can vividly feel your respiratory system shut down from swelling airways just looking at it. Sorta. I wouldn't say I hate it, but I don't want it, either.
So I occasionally think about it, to see if it seems attractive to me. To see if the obsessive thoughts come back. I know I am playing with fire, here. I get the same physical and mental response every single time.
MEH. Got better things to do. I have absolutely no idea if any of this makes sense. Just thinking out loud with my fingertips, folks!
__________________
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." ~Anonymous
so reading your post looks to me like u have got step one down..tho i can see the dis ease is stilll totally fking with your mind...as a side note im a gamer too, tho not WOW .ive never played "mood altered" so dont know what thats like, all i know is that the new rank or lvl is reward enough for me. and in battle i cant imagine not having all your wits about u, would get me killed!! lol....have u got a sponsor? (hugs)
.i remember after I first surrendered but still was drumming in a rock band being out in middle of night ,in some forsaken club,with roomsful of drunks,feeling totally bored and not enjoying the environment.It was a short while after I continued to back away from the environment ,not because I was afraid of picking up ,but I was slowly being changed into a sober human being and preferred the environment of lucid people.. But be careful ,we talk of this disease being "INSIDIOUS"(sneaky,awaiting to entrap,harmful but enticing,a gradual cumulative effect,developing so gradually as to be well established before becoming apparent )We will learn to function in society and that will entail being in environments where people use mind altering chemicals but I always will remember to remain diligent and focus on 'Just For Today, MY THOUGHTS WILL BE ON MY NEW ASSOCIATIONS,THOSE WHO ARE NOT USING AND HAVE FOUND A NEW WAY TO LIVE,AS LONG AS I FOLLOW THAT WAY I HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR!!! nICE TALKIN WITH YA!!
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Will I turn on the flame to the stove and see if it is not hot or hot enough this time?
No. I use to live like that on a daily basis and play real "games" with my life and the lives of others.
"Alcoholism is a compulsion with an allergy" I no longer think on purpose that "I can handle it". That thought will rise randomly from time to time and I accept that it will till just before the final stage exit and I've got the "I can't and I won't" down on the very same level...my subconscious where I have no control except to practice "No".
Did my past never happen? Was it not alcohol induced and supported? Have I not reached for and received the last word of the 2nd step...SANITY. Mahalo HP for that gift.
I no longer entertain random thoughts of I can handle it without reality. I am power less...it is bigger, stronger, more cunning and powerful than I am. U N C L E!!
Gaming HUH? You always win? You can hit reset with the XBox don't have that option too often in real life.
I have pulled a "self test" numerous times. I think there are lots of posts here that link the "self test" to a "trigger". I have heard it called "our demon knocking" because its a way for our nefarious disease to rear its ugly head. Just look it in the face and let it pass. Tom
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
A man goes to confession and tells his priest he is being troubled by erotic visions, they are vivid, and they are REAL, and they are distracting him (and besides that, aren't they a sin?)
The Priest thinks for a moment and says
"Are you entertaining these thoughts?"
The point is if we invite these thoughts in to sit down and stay awhile, if we play with them and we "entertain them" they have the capability to do great harm, to lead back to a drink if we entertain them for long enough in my experience, alcoholism has a two-fold nature, an obsession of the mind coupled with an allergy of the body, but if we never took that first drink we'd never get in trouble in the first place, so alcoholism is primarily based in the brain, so that means it's not a "drinking problem" so much as a "thinking problem", we get in trouble primarily because, when it comes to alcohol, we have a defective thinking process, that means it fools even us, we can tell ourselves that we have it licked, we can entertain these thoughts, then one day we are SO cured, we decide to "prove" it to ourselves by taking a drink
then it's off to the races
So yeah, I would say these thoughts are normal as a prelude to drinking again eventually, not today, maybe even not tomorrow, next week or next month, but entertaining thoughts like these led me back to drinking, they start out quietly, like a game, then a little louder, until one day I HAD to take a drink just to prove I wasn't an alcoholic, but what I was really doing was taking a drink to try to shut that voice up in my head
Didn't go so well
Hopefully it will be different for you
When I quit WoW I had like 5 level 70's, 2 level 60's had run a few guilds and lead a number of "server firsts" in the 40 and 15 man raids, I was hacking onto Korean and French Guild forums to get strategy guides for bosses since no american guilds had taken these bosses down yet, was a lot of fun
Play WoW you get to pick 2
Job Boy/Girlfriend Sleep
I went without sleep personally
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I would say it's normal to THINK about testing yourself early in sobriety, it seems like you are doing the right thing and playing the drunk episode through to the next day, confused, feeling terrible, nothing accomplished.
The insanity is being removed.
We start to "THINK" do I really need another "TEST"? WTF, how many times do I need to keep failing the same TEST over and over expecting different results.
God gave us brains to use!
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I don't know what normal is but I know I don't want to test myself. I can't afford to. If I do test myself and I fail it can easily cost me my life and will definitely cost me my sanity. It would just be me playing Russian Roulette with 5 bullets and hopefully I've left all of that destructive behaviour behind me.
There's only one test today in my life that's pass or fail..."can I drink like normal people again?" I'm pretty positive I can't, so I'm not going to try. every now and then the "cunning" part of my disease rears it's ugly head and tries to get me to do a little "experiment" Thank God my spiritual condition is in a place where I can see it for what it really is...just a thought that I no longer need to act on. The obsession is gone for me today, but the disease is alive and doing well. As long as I don't pick up that first drink, I can move on to doing what I need to do to stay sober for another day.
Brian
__________________
Nothing ever truly dies. The universe wastes nothing. Everything is simply, transformed. :confuse:
I just dropped by to see what condition my condition was in.
I guess I should have said that my version of "testing" was thinking "What if I picked up a six pack on the way home from work like old times?", and getting the brainmeats-response of "Nah."
I know I can never drink like "normal" people. The thing is, I don't want to drink at ALL anymore. Normal or otherwise. I like my brain (and body, I'd be lying if I said I didn't like the weight loss that has taken place from being sober) much better without it.
I don't have dreams anymore about drinking. I just...feel so much better and more HERE sober.
I should also clarify that this "testing" thought only happens very rarely. I just wondered if anybody else did that, too. I am sure it does have to do with the old Demon knocking at my door, but he can go to hell. I despise drop-ins, and what he's selling I ain't buying.
__________________
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." ~Anonymous
I just dropped by to see what condition my condition was in.
I guess I should have said that my version of "testing" was thinking "What if I picked up a six pack on the way home from work like old times?", and getting the brainmeats-response of "Nah."
I think that brainmeats-response you refer to is the most important thing here- the fact that when the thought of drinking crosses your mind, it's automatically met with a negative response. That's a sign that you've undergone the 'entire psychic change' that the Big Book talks about, and that's a healthy thing (and a necessary thing) for people who have our disease.
The last time that the thought of drinking seriously crossed my mind, even as brief as it was, was a night about a year to a year and a half ago. I was in a restless, irritable and discontent frame of mind pretty much all day long; I don't really know what was wrong, exactly. Anyway, it was a Monday, I remember, becuase in the evening, I wanted to just sit in my basement and watch the night football game (totally brutal sport, but what can I say, I enjoy watching it). And I was out of Coca-Cola. So I was heading to the grocery store to buy myself a 12-pack of Coke, and the thought crossed my mind, after having had such a crap day- wouldn't it just be a hoot if I bought some booze instead, and didn't go back home? (Insane!!). But then the thought that immediately followed that was, "No, I don't want to do that!". And that's a thought that never would have occurred to me before I got sober.
So I bought my Coke, poured a glass and was watching the game, and I had the glass resting on the carpet (because I don't have a table in front of that couch). And I reached down to take a drink from it, and knocked it over, completely full, all over the carpet. So my night of just getting to relax and enjoy some sports on TV turned into an hour of cleaning the carpet. I guess it just wasn't meant to be, that day!
But again...I didn't have to drink over it.
I like your handle, by the way- if you keep the attitude you have, of knowing better than to pick up again- you certainly will win.
Thats whats finally happening to me, I get a thought then I think of all the reasons not to..and it vanishes....before I would be drunk wondering why I ever took that drink,...weird...I prayed to HP for release and its working! Thank you Jesus (my hp)
__________________
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
