I know that if I continue drinking I am going to suffer some serious consequences. Many nights I can go out and drink like a normal person. I get drunk but I don't lose control, I don't do anything stupid, I actually enjoy it. Then there are the times that I vaguely remember being an obnoxious jerk to anyone and everyone, or my girlfriend tells me she's disgusted with me because I cam home and puked all over the bathroom. Or worst of all I realize that I drove home when I was so drunk I could barely walk. When I'm loaded I lose all my sense of what's right and wrong, I put myself in dangerous situations and do extremely dangerous things. And the shame is nearly unbearable.
If I lose what I have, my girlfriend, my home, my career, I know I could'nt live with myself. Deep down I have always thought of suicide as my escape if I phuck things up too badly to fix.
I believe we all have the disease of alcoholism ( to some degree)> Maybe thats where bottom comes in (death) ( the lowest). I could do the same thing as u talked about. ( control at times)However this becomes harder and harder ( it becomes benders). I use to be able to have 3 and walk away. Now when I pick up that first drink, I wonder how long the drunk will last. ( the man takes a drink and the drink takes the man) one is too many a million is not enough. My last 2 times were spent sleeping on the bathroom floor. I was harsh in a reply yesterday--( OR TO THE POINT ALEAST)Sorry -- But there are alot of sincere people here who both need and give help. We have been thru some hell ( some worst than others) and are still here fighting with the help and support of each other. I have never met these people but I beleive every word they say and get teary on some of the things. Tears may just be a stepping stone for me. To cry for a fellow sufferer. I'm a man tought not to cry!!! A man cried at a meeting yesterday ( he got sober and his daughter wants to go to see him at counsling and wants to know about his disease) He hasn't spoke or done anything with her for some time. He could only cry of joy!!
You know when i pick up the drinks all bets are off
miss supper???????????
Drive?//
end up in a bar????
wreck the car???
no control ??
guess i haven't had real control since I was a kid ( i"m 49)
Many nights I can go out and drink like a normal person. I get drunk but I don't lose control, I don't do anything stupid, I actually enjoy it. Then there are the times that I vaguely remember ...............
"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. "
Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous pp. 30
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
