Greetings all. I have been on short term disability from work for the past 3 weeks to get a grip on my alcoholism. I spent 5 days in inpatient and the past 2 weeks in a 5 day a week all day treatment program. I'm currently on Day 19 of my sobriety and so far so good. I still occasionally miss having a drink but it's more out of habit than it is a physical craving.
Monday I return to work and my dilemna, and fear really, is what will happen. There is only one person at my work that truly knows what's going on. My boss knows bits and pieces of what's going on but he really thinks I've been out just to treat my depression. I'm not comfortable revealing what I've really been out. Maybe I never want anyone at work to ever know. I'm still dealing with the guilt and shame and I don't really need anyone to chime in with their opinions. The majority of my department at work is highly judgmental and I just don't need it. Any advice on the best way to handle the questions? Any advice is greatly appreciated.
On a side note, I've been attending AA meetings almost daily and I have a really great sponsor. I'm becoming much more comfortable attending meetings and speak at every meeting (well, I passed at one meeting). I find the meetings extremely helpful. They leave me with a sense of hope that I can do this. I do, however, get "tired" of going to meetings every night. I believe the winter weather is definitely a factor as it's been extremely cold here. I'm also essentially a home body and I love down time. I realize it's important to attend daily at this point but I do tend to struggle with my laziness.
I someone is overly interested.... "I was out on personal leave and I don't feel like talking about it" ... then change the subject to work. ask what has been happening while you were away and maybe ask for feedback on prioritizing your work load if that is appropriate. no one has an obligation to explain an excused absence. keep coming back, hugs jj/sheila
When my brain with the "habit" told me I was missing out, it helped to remind myself that
"I'M NOT GIVING UP ANYTHING. I'M GETTING RID OF SOMETHING."
I also keep a seat in al-anon, and I find the tool of Detachment to be helpful at work. I have to detach from what others may or may not be thinking... what they may or may not know... I pray before I walk into work, I wrap myself in spiritual bubble wrap, if you will, and just go in and do my job. It's none of my business what others are thinking. I was told that I have a Bigger Boss now... and that's the only one I really have to worry about. Life is different today, I am walking a spiritual journey.
I protect myself by not giving away information that can be used against me, I don't tell most people that I am in AA. If most people are like I used to be... they are going to misunderstand and I would harm myself by telling untrustworthy people. Is it honest to say that you were treating your depression? For me, that would be honest. My depression, anxiety (and my codependency) all led to me abusing alcohol.
I relate to wanting to stay in on the cold nights, and as an introvert, I love my time alone at home. What happened last week though... after about 4 days without a meeting, I began to doubt I was actually an alcoholic. It went from bad to worse when my mother called, we talked, I said that I need to find a better job this year. She was quiet so I optimistically said, "I will." She said............ "Hope so."
Those two words had the power to take me down to a very dark place, my disease told me that I am a useless piece of crap who doesn't deserve to be here. I called my sponsor and her first words were, "When was your last meeting?" I said, "yea, I don't think I'm an alcoholic." And she said, "That long, huh?"
I'm currently on Day 19 of my sobriety and so far so good. Congrats!
Monday I return to work and my dilemna, and fear really, is what will happen. That's what you wrote.
Monday I return to work and fear is really my dilemma. That's what i read.
When I'm afraid, I pray to God about it. Then I meditate patiently for the answer.
I do, however, get "tired" of going to meetings every night. Meetings often tire me out just from intently listening and empathizing with others. For a year or so I followed up my noon-group daily meetings with a quick nap before returning to work and then staying late. I rarely attend night-time meetings.
I believe the winter weather is definitely a factor as it's been extremely cold here. I'm also essentially a home body and I love down time. I realize it's important to attend daily at this point but I do tend to struggle with my laziness. Tell your sponsor this and see what they have to say.
Don't drink today, get to AA, eveything else will be okay!
Fallon, get to the root of the issue. You are dreading the questions becaue YOU feel ashamed. I do think you should have boundaries and just respond that you had personal issues to take care of, but you DONT need to feel ashamed. That shame is coming from you only. I did not share I was in recovery with anyone at work until I already had several months or maybe even a year of sobriety. At that point, I was proud of it and looked at it as part of me and a strength of mine. It will be the same for you if you allow it.
Hold your head up high. You have a problem with alcohol. So do millions of others and many of them just die or never get help. You are doing the right thing. Nobody at work needs to know you personal battles, but it is okay that you have this thing called alcoholism and it is WONDERFUL that you are doing something about it.
So, take all that wasted thought about being "less than" (we all have that by the way) and put it into your program.
Also, while it may only seem like hardship for you now in terms of what you are doing. One day there will be a confused and scared newcomer who has to go back to work after a very humbling and scary relapse. Guess who might be the one to share their experience strength and hope about how they got throught it?
Food for thought! Don't be anxious. Your fellow alcoholics are always with you in spirt, as is God!
In support,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Of course you could always go on the offensive and say "Well, I have been diagnosed with a chronic, often fatal disease and I have been on medical leave to get immediate treatment and I am pleased to report that my latest test shows I am in remission. Keep me in your prayers. Now, enough about me, how are you?"
On the other issue, are you really being lazy and avoiding? Or are you truly needing to practice better self-care? Maybe going to 3- 4 regular meetings, in conjunction with some healthy down-time on cold nights, instead of daily and then erratically, is a better balance for you. While daily meetings (or the now standard "90 in 90") are highly recommended and usually very helpful in early sobriety, the rigor of that may not always be the best practice for everybody. Guard against people-pleasing... soul-searching and honest communication with others is essential.
Sharing a memory with you. When in my first year, I was complaining about some gossip, so I thought, to my then Sponsor, she looked me in the eyes, with NO smile and said "What other people think of you is NONE of your business......I got that message very clearly, and to this day, it represents personal freedom from worry about what others think of me....lasted half a lifetime, well not quite that long...:)
My 2 cents on the subject of being questioned, especially by what you refer to as Judgemental people.....I would look them straight in the eyes, (keeping any less that feeling away, that eye contact would do that) and simply say, "Personal reason's" thats a real polite way of saying None of your business.(to add some levity, just for this post, how about saying, gee, if I wanted you to know, you would have been the first one I would have looked for when I walked in this morning.....)
In my first years, I was single, I loved the afterwork meetings, especially when it was raining buckets, they became my family and then went home, relaxed and went to bed... Of Course I am talking about San Francisco Bay area winters, if you are speaking of 20 degrees, that is a different story, but the meetings you go to tend to "grow on you" and so many of us make them our Home Groups. Always good to have one Fallon.......they are the people we grow so close to, if only in the AA rooms.
So happy you did your treatments, 19 days, this is just a very simply day at a time so every single day of sobriety is a gift from God....
Also at this stage, I highly recommend not slacking on meetings, one a day.
There is a saying that If we keep Sobriety in FRONT of everything else, (you fill in the blanks, cold, dont feel like it.) Chances are really good that we get to keep it. Put something in front of it, like the reasons above and chances dimishing that we will be able to keep it.
Have you found a female Sponsor, are you reading the BB, and the book on the Steps. Working the 12 steps with a Sponsor is the way we get out our own way and live a life free of Alcoholism.....
Treating this disease like it is a matter of life and death, thats a proven fact......
Sorry dear did not mean to go over the topic you asked about, felt I already knew you a little from before on the MIP board.
Giant HUGS, from you AA sister, Tonicakes....
PS: Dean the Moderator here is always saying that on the days when we REALLLLY D'ONT WANT TO GO TO A MEETING IS EXACTLY WHEN Need to go,remember dear, our alcoholic minds are still trying to reel us back in, that goes in time, but in the beginning, plays a big part in our subconcious and even consious thoughts, Just some food for thought.
toodles, toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Saturday 22nd of January 2011 08:25:40 PM
You're probably right to be discreet since most people still have old-fashioned views of alcoholism and anonymity is something we all can claim with no guilt. I just told everybody I was treated for an ulcer and it was no issue.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Toni, you are a hoot!! Yes, I have a female sponsor and she's great. I spoke with her last night and she was not pleased that I did not attend a meeting yesterday. I'm going to a noon speaker meeting today and looking forward to it. I understand the 90 in 90 concept. I, however, was getting completely worn down while in the partial hospitalization program. I was going 5 days a week, all day, and then going to an AA meeting at night. It seemed I was talking about alcoholism ALL DAY long and it did wear me down. The days I didn't go to meetings were days I just really felt I needed some down time. Some time to relax and take care of the house, bills and myself. Now that I'm done with that program and have stepped down to 3 nights a week I may feel differently about the meetings. I truly do enjoy every meeting I attend so that's not an issue.
As for the steps, I have to work on the first step in my treatment program. My sponsor is aware of this and I will show her my first step when it's done. She's also prepared to start working the steps with me but is waiting until I'm done in my treatment program. I am reading the BB, although I find it difficult sometimes. I'll be reading along and BAM...I realize it's ME in the book. A little uncomfortable but interesting at the same time.
Today I am not as worried about returning to work. I'm trying to utilize all the tools I've learned in treatment, especially the part about this recovery is about ME. I need to spend less time worrying about what others think and work on me. That's all that really matters right now.
Thanks for everyones support. I just love this board
Good for you Fallon...19 days put together is 19 days the chemical wasn't running it's course thru your head, body, spirit and emotions. Keep doing what you are doing and not the drinking. I will go more with what Pinkchip offered because that is what worked for me. Fear based was the base I drank from...not for; from. Fear is my greatest emotional character defect so I have to practice the opposite of that to get relief. This is a non-curable, life threatening disease we have as all of the doctors, scientist and people who have supported us long ago have come up with...shame isn't proper on personal. We didn't cause this, can't control it and can't cure it and specifically it takes an AA community to re-raise the newly sober. As for responses to "Them"...I'm still trying to find out what the problem is and what to do about it...I don't know for sure. If they press (some might) I repeated the I am not really sure again and then say thanks for caring. It's okay to turn away at that point as gladlee suggest..."detach from it". Later on and if then only from your spirit of humility you can expand on it...In the mean time the people I worked with started saying "Man have you really changed for the better!!". Walking it and not talking it is the best sermon.
Keep coming back and the best meetings I ever attended were the ones I didn't want to go to. ((((hugs))))
When people ask me what I am up to I try to keep in mind that social curtesy is respectful and polite, because I tend to feel harrassed when people ask things I know are about my recovery and I don't want to open myself up to damaging gossip. When it comes to recovery and work I generally don't reveal anything about my alcoholism. I have to a few people over time, when it felt appropriate and right, because in one case she was my confidant and had noticed a big change in me, and in the other case because I felt the person might be alluding to a need for help with their own drinking, so I merely said when asked why I didn't have a shift drink after work anymore, I said, "I can't do that anymore." The response I got was, "Wow, you have so much control, supergirl." At that point I felt compelled to say something and left it at, "I haven't done it on my own." The questions stopped there that time.
I started going to a meeting that requires my coworker to come early and relieve me. I sometimes get asked where I need to go in such a hurry. I found saying the minimum is best, "I go to a book group(they already know I'm a bookworm) and it's important to me." I leave it at that cause they don't need to know it's an AA book study. I also counter quickly with a question or comment about their day, most people are curious but prefer to talk about themselves, so this diverts attention easily.
That's great advice Angel. Thank you. I feel surprisingly confident this Monday morning. I slept very well last night and that surprised me as well. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with all the great advice all of you have dispensed. I also went to a great speaker meeting yesterday that left me inspired.
I believe I will pretty much leave everyone with a "I was out for personal reasons" and leave it at that. I will also need to leave work early three days a week as I'm still going to be in a nighttime treatment program for the next 4-6 weeks. As far as I'm concerned, so long as I put in my 8 hours a day and get all of my work done, it should be no one's business what time I leave. My boss is fully aware of this nighttime program so that's not an issue.
I believe I was giving everyone else a bit too much power over my feelings. One thing I've learned lately is no one can make me feel anything. I am responsible for how I feel and I control it.
I've already spent time meditating this morning and praying to God. He gives me incredible strength. I feel much better prepared to return to work this morning.
