I have recently started going through the 12 steps, as well as Sacred Contracts. I am very new to this, but want to share my story anonymously and get feedback from people that understand.
I should say I am 3 weeks and 5 days sober as of today. It has been extremely hard for me, and I am tempted many times throughout the day. But I am doing it, damn it. I have a sponsor, and she had me go through the first step this week. Here is my stories about times alcohol made me powerless, and when my life became affected and unmanageable as a result.
I would appreciate any support or feedback people could offer. This process has been very hard for me, but I'm finally doing it. :)
Times alcohol made me powerless:
*I have been unable to just have one drink for pleasure. One drink needs to turn in many drinks in order to feel loopy, goofy, and buzzed. I loved the way it made me feel, got rid of many and most of my inhibitions, and turned me into the carefree person I thought I should be. *I have been powerless over alcohol in the presence of others drinking heavily. Even after I felt like I had my fill, if someone already drunk filled their glass again, I inevitably would as well...even if I was already physically sick and inebriated. I felt I should get the drinking in where I could without looking like an "alcoholic." *I have been powerless over alcohol in social or new situations. Taking a few shots before a new date, before work interviews, before work itself, before any new situation. I even drank before psychiatrist appointments, where I lied through my teeth about being an alcoholic. (I was a "functioning" alcoholic through most of this, so few people knew when I was drinking heavily.) Alcohol made me tolerate that situation without the anxiety I would normally experience. *I have been powerless over alcohol when life did not turn out the way I had anticipated in my idealistic mind. When my first marriage failed, I drank to numb the pain of it all. When my work was stressful, I drank (even at work) to take the edge off. When I fought with family or friends, I drank to try and forget the fight and find pleasure elsewhere. When I was bored, I drank. When I wanted to feel sexy, I drank. When I wasn't in the mood sexually, I drank. When I wanted to meet new people and experience new things, I drank. When I had to do something difficult or say something difficult, I drank. When I wanted to just have fun and enjoy life, I drank. *I was powerless to alcohol when I drank to become accepted by others I thought were "cooler" or more interesting than me. *I was powerless to alcohol in the most trying times of my life. I began drinking heavily only when my first marriage failed. I hardly drank at all before then. When that happened, something changed inside of me. I felt my life wasn't what I had always wanted, so I turned to something else to help me tolerate that...and things escalated from that point. *I was powerless over alcohol in the midst of extreme depression--depression where suicide called my name nearly every day. I turned to alcohol to try and forget the depression, but it only heightened those feelings.
Incidents where my life became affected and unmanageable:
*Drinking heavily made me gain friends I would normally never have, and I made many bad choices with those friends I would have never made. *My life became affected when I realized I had contacted two STDs. *My life became affected when I would drive drunk nearly all day, every day. *My life became affected when I got pulled into HR at my old job and got confronted for drinking at work. I refused to take the drug test, because I was in fact drunk, and I lost my job as a result. *My life became affected by alcohol when I engaged in many sexual activities I normally never would have. *My life became affected by alcohol when I drank nearly a fith of vodka or rum every day, including while at work (in a job I was hired in after I got fired from my previous one). *My life became affected when, after a particularly nasty fight with someone I thought was a wonderful friend (they weren't), I got drunk and overdosed to try and end my life. *My life became affected when I saw demons, death, and hallucinated horrifically for 2 days after my suicide attempt. *My life became affected when I ended up in the hospital for 3 months after my suicide attempt, and I lost my second job. *My life became affected when I damaged my kidneys to the point where I lost all kidney function and had to go on dialysis for a month. *My life became affected when I had to have gallbladder surgery to remove a severely damaged gallbladder due to my drinking and suicide attempt. *My life became affected when I damaged my pancreas so badly, it will never function the way it should ever again. *My life became affected when I could not swallow anything for nearly a month, had to go on a liquid diet with a tube through my nose, and lost nearly 30 pounds. *My life became affected when I had to move out of my apartment and back in with my parents, because I was too sick to live on my own. *My life became affected when I began drinking heavily again after finding a second chance in life and love. *My life became affected when I would send drunken texts and emails to lots of different people. I would make appointments and promises to them, then forget I ever sent them the day after. *My life became affected when I continually lied to my husband after we were married about sneak drinking, and he caught me again. *My life became affected when I passed out drunk on the toilet when I should have been being a mother. *My life became affected when I would drive people drunk all over the town. *My life became affected when I noticed my old symptoms of pancreatitis were returning, I nearly fainted coming out of the tub, and could not go to the bathroom normally due to my pancreatic function.
(This is where I decided I need help...)
Am I on the right track?
-- Edited by firelily324 on Friday 21st of January 2011 02:24:29 PM
yep you are a real alcoholic, just like me. keep coming back to ask for and receive solutions that worked for us. we have a wee bit more experience, strength, and hope than you have at this moment and would love to help support you on this new path as your being here helps us to stay sober, too. A newcomer is a very important person!! God bless you. jj/sheila
Yes. you are on the right track. Just know that none of this is ever going to change. This step is permanent and has to be etched into your brain.
What you have written is your gospel and your truth about alcohol and what it does to you. You must refer back to this in your mind whenever your disease creeps up on you and tells you that it might be different if you drink again. Or also when it creeps up on you and tells you to just give up and not give a crap.
This seems to be a very thorough 1st step and the only way of making it "perfect" as they say is to accept all you have written with your very soul and to continue to accept it and then SURRENDER to it daily.
Great work and thank you so much for showing us how it's done.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 21st of January 2011 12:47:15 PM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Step 1 : We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable.
very simply put....I'm screwed.... I'm screwed if I drink, ( first part ) I'm screwed if I dont drink, ( second part )
The drinking part: " But what about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink.
Here is a fellow who has been puzzling you, especially in his lack of control. He does absurd, incredible, tragic things while drinking. He is a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He is seldom mildly intoxicated. He is always more or less insanely drunk. His disposition while drinking resembles his normal nature but little. He may be one of the finest fellows in the world. Yet let him drink for a day, and he frequently becomes disgustingly, and even dangerously anti-social. " ( big book pg 21 )
The not drinking part: "We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people " ( big book pg 52 )
A little hope: " You may already have asked yourself why it is that all of us became so very ill from drinking. Doubtless you are curious to discover how and why, in the face of expert opinion to the contrary, we have recovered from a hopeless condition of mind and body. If you are an alcoholic who wants to get over it, you may already be asking-"What do I have to do?" It is the purpose of this book to answer such questions specifically. " ( big book pg 20 )
Welcome to AA and the mpi board. sounds like your just like me too.Justalittle suggestion...you dont need to dump all your dirty laundry out for everyone to see, here or at the meetings. You never know what predators are lurking around.. we share in a general way. save the details for your sponsor or someone else who you can trust.. just sayin.. Glad you made it here, most of us die from this thing...
-- Edited by billyjack on Friday 21st of January 2011 01:12:57 PM
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Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
The great news is that you never have to experience any of those problems again. You have found AA and now you have a choice.
If your choice is sobriety we recommend
Attend at least 90 meetings in 90 days
Get a sponsor who has worked the steps under the guidance of a sponsor who has worked the steps and who is the type of person you would like to become.
Work the 12 steps of AA (ALL OF THEM)
Read and study the Big Book of AA. It is not a novel to be read and cast aside it is our textbook for sobriety.
Start helping others.
If you do these things you will always have a choice.
Larry, ----------------------- Your 3 Choices, Locked Up, Covered Up or Sobered Up
-- Edited by Larry_H on Friday 21st of January 2011 09:10:06 PM
-- Edited by Larry_H on Friday 21st of January 2011 09:11:39 PM
That's a good 1st step. I like the inventory style and have been working that style with another sponsee. Of course it is what worked for me also. Took me way longer though.
I've never met a person who had any power over alcohol. It is much too cunning, powerful and baffling. You do know that it is a mind and mood altering drug so anyones' chances of over powering it is mighty slim. Took me a long time to learn and then "get" that lesson also.
Human body is pretty spectacular when you keep the alcohol and drugs away from it for a while. Some bodies and brains mend beautifully as a result. Thanks HP.
Keep coming back we can do this together. (((hugs)))
Dear Lily, After reviewing your qualifications we have determined that you are in fact "One of Us". Your application has been accepted and is being forwarded to the HR (Healing Resources) department where it will await further addendum.
Respectfully Yours, Token Drunk
HeeHee. That was fun. Welcome, Lily. Your story read like a "American Tour of US Potholed Roads" magazine one may find in the nightstand drawer of a motel in an alkie's head. I sincerely appreciate you telling it and especially in inventory format. I will use that, as well. Your sponsor sounds top-notch and a) you are awesome for finding one so soon and b) they sound solid.
One thing about "and our lives had become unmanageable." It never really clicked for me until I read these words... "We knew in our hearts that (alcohol & )drugs had the power to change us into someone that we didn't want to be."
Lily, now that our lives have crossed...I would prefer that only God un-cross them. Please consider that the next time you entertain more thoughts of self-termination, and I will do the same.
Peace, Rob
Oh and PS - tell your sponsor that you use MIP & this board. They will have an opinion about it. Mine does.
Bill recovered alcoholic. But that in itself could have never help us together as we are now joined. Lili welcome.I never bought into a solution until I knew the my problem was . And it is not the alcohol.I know right! The problem centers in my mind .when I pick up the last time I knew I was gonna hurt. Everyone around me .freinds parents put me in jail several times. Woke up in that bed with I don't know or what they were .my dishonest mind told me the same lie every time that today is gonna be different .always the same.when the navy said we are putting you on this pill if you drink you could die .here the forms read it .I was more concerned about deodorent not having ethl in it. And I picked it up. Piss pants humilation as if the last sentence from before was not enough.lol I am without defense against the first drink. I am full flight from reality and outright mental defective.like the good doctor talks about and I as I looked back I must be half retarded. I am powerless and me knowing that I am how smart I am how much character I have .never produced the power needed to not pick it up I got drunk on my way to doing the next right thing. I thought a better philosophy or ill just behavem I won't do it at all or slow down I tried i t all. I. Now I need a power getter than me and greter than my disease.. I can tell you that you will find yours after you get thru these step self knowlegde never produced nothing but a well in formed drunk .welcome home .stay close to your sponsor.
