Okay so I would have 30 days today, but yesterday I used cocaine at work. One of my coworkers had it and offered it to me, I accepted. I feel horrible it is like all the progress I have made over the past few weeks has been destroyed. I didn't drink though although it made me want to, but I am taking anabuse currently I think that is the only thing that stopped me. My wife has me on a short string right now I feel I need to tell her, but I might get kicked out of the house and end our marriage. Not sure what to do, I know I want to stay sober but not sure what to do.
Keep taking it one day at a time. You cant change yesterday. You will learn tools in the program to help you next time. Next time your offered you will be better prepared to say no. Keep going to meetings and filling your tool box up. Do you have a sponser? Talk it over with someone at a meeting either before or after. Put the bat down and quit hitting yourself over the head. You will get a head ache.
Why do you want to get sober? I mean really deep down, are you doing it for your wife or for you? Do you want to get sober to save your marriage or do YOU think you have a problem with Alcohol? Do you think if you quit for awhile your wife will get off your back and you can maybe return to normal drinking? A beer here and there, a glass of wine here and there, maybe a margarita with Mexican food someday? Maybe being allowed to drink on vacations?
Are you an alcoholic? Do you know what an alcoholic is? I mean really know, not just "someone who drinks too much"? Do you know the difference between an alcoholic and a normal drinker? How about the difference between an alcoholic and a hard drinker? Did you know there was a difference? Do you know what mental and physical differences they have that are different? What characteristics they have in common?
Do you attend meetings?
If so, do you have a sponsor? Have you started reading the Big Book with a sponsor? Have you read "The Doctors Opinion" where it explains what an alcoholic is?
Have you sat down with someone with experience and REALLY discussed what an alcoholic is? Do you "Identify" as an alcoholic?
Why do you take Antabuse, was that your idea or your wife's?
Do you think you can just have a few drinks on occasion? A glass of wine with dinner, that sort of thing?
Once you start drinking can you ALWAYS stop when you want, or sometimes do you end up far drunker then you planned, regardless of your responsibilities that night or the next morning?
If you truly want to quit drinking it's a good idea to figure out why, and if you want to stay stopped it's a good idea to figure out if you are an alcoholic or not, these are just a few of the questions that can help you make a decision which direction you TRULY want your life to take, the first time I got sober it was good enough to not drink for three years, but since ultimately I wasn't quitting for me I just ended up causing us both more anguish in the long run since I was unable to tell the truth to myself or to her about my deeper motives for quitting drinking
The three key ingredients for Sobriety are Honesty, Openmindedness, and Willingness, they are absolutely indispensible, that doesn't mean running around leading with your chin and telling your wife you zigged when you should have zagged it means finally beginning to get honest with yourself, there are descriptions of various types of alcoholics, and the third stage alcoholic is the husband who "wants to want to stop", a good indicator of this sub type is they frequently are trying to get sober for their wives sake, not their own, and they quite often take antabuse, hence my questions
-- Edited by LinBaba on Wednesday 19th of January 2011 11:57:49 AM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I have no problem with that fact that I am alcoholic. When I drink I can't stop and when I am not drinking I am planning and obsessing over when I can or will drink again. Life for me the past few years has been not living but trying to make it through with next buzz or high. It doesn't work for me all aspects of my life are bad.
I having been going to meetings everyday, missing a few here and there. I have been talking with a lot of people but I don't have a sponsor. I started going to aa about 10 years ago, for about the first 3 I drink/used and came back over and over again. The past 6 or so years I have done things my way which worked for a little bit but has slowly spiralled into everyday drinking and using over the past 3 or so years. My wife finally had enough after our first son was born and I took all of her percocet mixed with beer and other drugs. I came home one night in a rolling blackout and passed out upstairs the next day she told me to go to aa and get clean or it was over.
I initially went back to aa just to please her, but wow who would have thought that most of my problems where centered around drinking and using. Once I got a few weeks in I was beginning to go to aa for myself because I was starting to feel better my life was slowly changing my thinking was becoming clearer. I was trying not to lie and be more patient.
The antabuse was both my wifes and my doctors joint idea to help get me off alcohol. My wife is a little of a control freak so it did help ease her knowing I am taking it. My main reason for posting is I need to come clean to, but also not sure what to tell my wife. I know I need to tell her because I need to be honest my alcoholic thinking would just right it off and slowly start to do things my way again. I am just not sure how to tell her.
Oliver, it's not the end of the world. Just get back into a meeting, pick up a white chip and start over. I was helpful for me, after blowing 30 and 60 days a few times, to begin going to NA meetings, in addition to my AA meetings, to address my drug problem.
Oliver .. What kind of a marriage do you think you will ever have if you dont tell your wife?
Im sure that you love her and your child. But listen ...
When we first come to AA we are very, very sick ppl. We think that we love our spouses, families, etc. And in a strange sort of way we do cuz we have been saying we love these ppl for years and years.
But in all reality, we are totally incapable of loving another person because we are so sick and we dont even know how to really, really love another because of the years of drinking and selfish, self - centeredness we have been living.
AA will give you that self-love so that you can genuinely love your wife, children, other family members. But it will only let you have it if you work for it.
Get a God, get a same sex sponsor and work the steps. Your whole life up till now has been one huge lie ... do you really want to continue living the lie and ruin your own life as well as your loved ones?
I have no problem with that fact that I am alcoholic. When I drink I can't stop and when I am not drinking I am planning and obsessing over when I can or will drink again. Life for me the past few years has been not living but trying to make it through with next buzz or high. It doesn't work for me all aspects of my life are bad.
I having been going to meetings everyday, missing a few here and there. I have been talking with a lot of people but I don't have a sponsor. I started going to aa about 10 years ago, for about the first 3 I drink/used and came back over and over again. The past 6 or so years I have done things my way which worked for a little bit but has slowly spiralled into everyday drinking and using over the past 3 or so years. My wife finally had enough after our first son was born and I took all of her percocet mixed with beer and other drugs. I came home one night in a rolling blackout and passed out upstairs the next day she told me to go to aa and get clean or it was over.
I initially went back to aa just to please her, but wow who would have thought that most of my problems where centered around drinking and using. Once I got a few weeks in I was beginning to go to aa for myself because I was starting to feel better my life was slowly changing my thinking was becoming clearer. I was trying not to lie and be more patient.
The antabuse was both my wifes and my doctors joint idea to help get me off alcohol. My wife is a little of a control freak so it did help ease her knowing I am taking it. My main reason for posting is I need to come clean to, but also not sure what to tell my wife. I know I need to tell her because I need to be honest my alcoholic thinking would just right it off and slowly start to do things my way again. I am just not sure how to tell her.
OK, so you have step one wired, you have been going to meetings for 10 years with ZERO success, because you are either sober or you aren't, kinda like being pregnant, and you aint sober, so with all of your experience in AA what do the people in AA do that get and stay sober?
Something like
Get a sponsor work the steps get active
Half measures avail us NOTHING, zero, nada, zilch, zip, hitting meetings and taking antabuse is a half measure for the real alcoholic for whom the program was designed, all you have to do is look at the evidence, you, you have trying the half measures, balking, route for 10 years with zero success, so why not get a sponsor, start the steps and ask HIM what you should do rather then just a bunch of random unknown people on the internet that you have zero accountability with?
The problem isn't what to tell your wife, that's just a distraction, the problem is it's just gonna keep getting worse until you either abandon yourself to your drinking or abandon yourself to your sobriety
up to you, you know what the answer is, question is do you REALLY want to do it? evidence says no since it's been ten years of your mouth saying one thing and your actions saying the opposite, no wonder your wife is a "bit of a control freak", that's what happens to people to who live in insane unmanageable lifestyles is they try to take control of their lives, and they start by trying to control their alcoholic since he is the one so obviously out of control, it's a clinical response to an unhealthy stimuli, and quite textbook
oliverbe wrote:
she went to one al anon meeting and hated it. So I haven't pushed the issue, I may try to get her to go to a open aa meeting though.
Don't you think you should at least START trying to work your OWN Program, before you start working hers? that's like trying to get your your wife to take penecillin for the case of clap you brought home. maybe it's best you take your own medicine afore you start telling her to take hers huh? That's called deflection and it's also textbook
I see myself in you when I got sober, but now I understand why my old sponsor would turn bright red, grab me by the ear and drag me outside, and sputter like a leaky steam kettle as he gently explained things to me 2 inches away from my face in a voice you could hear 3 blocks away using language that Sailors would write down because they never heard anything like it
-- Edited by LinBaba on Wednesday 19th of January 2011 01:39:20 PM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Welcome Oliver. You asked and you received wisdom from those who have walked the road before you. It took me awhile to tap into this wisdom, but when I did my life started to change. For me, that was surrendering to this cunning, baffling and powerful diesase. Until I fully surrendered, I had no real willingness to change the things in my life that weren't working.
In my opinion, you don't have to tell your wife, but you do want to hold yourself accountable by telling your home group and your sponsor. Just go there, tell on yourself and start over... by practicing something different, as is suggested here.
I too would tell my homegroup. I'm not assuming you are a coke addict (or are you?), but along with being an alcoholic, I am addicted to coke as well. It is a horrific drug that can take us down faster than anything else. I had several years sober in AA a couple of times. This last time I picked up a drink, the drink picked up another drink, adn the drink took ME.
My cocaine splurge landed me in jail and I am surprised and grateful that I am not either on my way to prison as some of my "using associates" are, and that the night I passed out on coke (cocaine psychosis) and cracked my head on the stove and the tile floor, I did not die.
This is life or death for me. I pray that you will begin to view it as such, no matter what the substance. For us, alcohol leads to death and so do the side dishes.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Not much to add...to what you have received here. Everyone giving you their ESH... Experience Strength and Hope for several reasons...one being they know the program works when you work it. I am powerless over alcohol and every other mind and mood altering chemical which I use to do that...mind and mood alter. My main chemical was alcohol in the many forms it came in.
I don't suggest you try doing a 9th with you wife until you do a 1st with a sponsor for the reasons you have been given here. You haven't been doing the program for you. You haven't being doing antabuse for you. I know the power of the suggestion and invitation that leads to relapse...cunning, powerful and baffling until I sit down and inventory what I haven't been doing and why. I've been taken down on nicotene several times with microflash suggestions and found myself in deeper insanity than the time before. Nothing will stop it until I start back at step one and proceed to the next step and the next until I am back into mainstream practice of the program.
LinBaba was nearest the center when he mentioned not trying to start and manage your wife's program. You're not qualified for many reasons including not being able to manage your own.
My accepted definition of humility is "being teachable". You can have that for free as I got it for free. It works best with a sponsor and in the meetings with an open mind and the willingness to work this program of recovery as suggested.
Might your first amends attempt be to the work mate that offered you the coke? You left that person with a using attitude which could eventually take their life too.
Oliver, Welcome. 30 days feels great to achieve and is a rag to lose but you'll be okay. Did you make a mistake? Sure you did. Did you ignore it? No.
It bothers you. Awesome. It should bother you. When I lapsed I went back to my homegroup and shared. I told your sponsor. Then I learned whatever it was I had left to learn and started over.
I did not tell my wife about my worst relapse. She didn't need to know. It would have hurt her more than helping me. Your call. This is your program, not hers. If she wants a program she can pick up a phone book.
Hey Oliver. Bless you always. I agree with the man aboves comment. Sometimes telling someone of our misdeeds feels good to us, but can hurt them dreadfully. My sponsor has said to me that theres a difference between an apology and an amends. An apology is just a word. An amends means we make up for the misdeed by never doing it ever again with the help of God. Thats the amends. Just make amends to her by living under the knowledge that God's will is for you to be happy, free and at peace and spread that to others, especially our loved ones.
Wishing you peace beyond all human understanding.
Jamie
-- Edited by Jamie D on Thursday 20th of January 2011 12:16:32 AM
How about praying on this? How is your spirituality coming along? This is a spiritual program. Don't forget that. The relationship you need to develop with your HP is going to be even more important than the one with your wife. Your wife can't keep you sober, but your HP can. Like Lin said though, you have to work the steps for that to work. Get busy Buster!!
Keep coming back!
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks for everyones comments, went to a meeting last night and a lot of people where talking about having a sponsor. So I called up someone who gave me there number and I have talk to a few times. I asked him to be my sponsor which for me is a big step, when I first came to the program I resisted any help from anyone. I guess that is my alcoholic thinking, I got myself in this mess I can get myself out.
I did tell my wife what I had done, just because I couldn't live with myself without telling her. She took it as well as I thought she would. With that said it looks like I will spending the next few weeks living in my parents basement.
-- Edited by oliverbe on Thursday 20th of January 2011 11:58:59 AM
I asked him to be my sponsor which for me is a big step, when I first came to the program I resisted any help from anyone. I guess that is my alcoholic thinking, I got myself in this mess I can get myself out. ______ Yes, this is very common. By nature & our diesase we are very strong willed and self reliant people. Asking for help is hard for us. It was for me too. The willingness to ask for help is a HUGE first step in recovery. ________ With that said it looks like I will spending the next few weeks living in my parents basement. ____________ This could be a gift from God. This will allow you time to focus on YOU and YOUR Program. Being kicked out of my house was a stepping stone toward my recovery. It was part of my bottom. It was humbling- but that's what I needed to deflate my pride and ego enough to set an environment for change to take place.
