I am over a year and a half sober, I have put alot of work into the program and got up to step 8, my sponsor spent months with me on step 1 and how it had to be 100% in my gut(nothing ever touches my gut). However much action I have put in however, I cant stop analysing things and have had a problem handing over and always felt I never really got 100%...
SO, certain dangerous thoughts started to enter my head that maybe I wasnt an alcoholic and then i went away to see my family and my insane thinking came back and I really had times like I felt like a drink like I never had before in sobriety and even at times thought it might be different. My sponsor is v good and all the other people in my homegroup seem to have got it. Ive had all sorts of strange ideas in my head like "maybe i havent got it bc only came for my husband" which isnt true and the idea makes me feel sick!, and also "maybe if I drank more like the others I would have stronger recovery and step 1 wouldnt be so hard"etc etc.Its a month later and still "dry" but I have never felt more dreadful in my whole life. I dont really want to live but i dont want to die either. My sponsor said I have 2 choices-try some controlled drinking as it says in BB or hand over to God. I keep trying to hand over but theres a nagging thought that if I drink again it would immed fix my step one prob one, but I just dont want to go there, even though at times I am really wanting to! Im completely lost bc Im too frightened to drink in case I never get back or die!
My AA friends say I dont look the same since I came back, as if Im on something, I feel so distressed Ive completely shut down, my sponsor says shes spent so much time on step 1 she doesnt know what to do anymore and if shes wasting her time, which I can understand. I keep praying to God, but my sponsor says Ive lost willingness, but I dont stop anyway, even though at times Ive completely lost my faith I can get thru this. Days my hope rises but I know thatpeople who dont accept 100% drink again, I can pretty much admit Im an alcoholic but I wish it was clearer for me. I want 100% acceptance more than I want to drink, even though Im going that way, which sounds like a complete paradox. Completely confused, I feel like a complete nutter, like noone will identify but I need some miracle to keep me sober right now!! Im really really afraid of relapse and feel strongly God doesnt want me to drink, the whole thing is making me feel suicidal.
-- Edited by daria on Tuesday 18th of January 2011 10:29:36 AM
You had all those feelings & thoughts & yet you didn't pick up? That is an accomplishment in itself. And if you're worried that if you do some "controlled drinking" you may never get back--or DIE---then it sounds like in your heart of hearts, you HAVE reached acceptance. Yet you struggle... that's the disease. I only have 90 days & haven't really had the desire YET. But then, my life's been stable & good & I haven't been exposed to temptation. Someone shared in my women's group that alcohol was "waiting patiently in the corner... doing pushups." Don't give up! I'll be praying for ya & I hope you can get your head back into a good place. You're almost to 2 years!!!!
Hi Daria, I read your post and I see powerless and unmanagable. "Normal" people do not obssess over alcohol this way, WE do. Certainly picking up a drink will not provide you an answer and will not make step 1 easier. You haven't picked up a drink yet, please don't give up! We are here for you.
Hi Daria, I sometimes wonder if I'm really an alcoholic too when I compare my drinking story to others. The insanity begins in my head first, that voice that tells me I'm a silly girl for thinking I'm an alcoholic.
What helps me the most... is focusing on the unmanageability of my life. THAT is crystal clear for me, my life is unmanageable... I think like an alcoholic. I need the 12 steps, I am lost without this guidance.
You must know, that a drink is NEVER going to make anything better. This is all you have to do.....
Don't think. Don't drink. And, get to a meeting.
Chances are good, you 'll want to do it again tomorrow. But first, you wanna tell your brain to shut the f**k up.
You are okay, Daria. You are okay. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by gladlee on Tuesday 18th of January 2011 01:07:14 PM
-- Edited by gladlee on Tuesday 18th of January 2011 01:09:30 PM
You are all up in your head girl...you need a break!! Stop torturing yourself with these awful thoughts. You are doing everything right. What is the deal with the sponsor giving up on you? You are staying sober and working the Steps. If on step 8, why are you even worrying about step 1 now. Stop trying to self-sabotage and keep moving foward. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are doing better. You are recovering. Maybe you are at a point of changing that is uncomfortable and you just need to see it through. Don't entertain throwing in the towel. At 21 months you should now know what is the disease talking versus what it you talking.
So...put the bat away cuz a big big part of recovery is learning to treat yourself nice. What have you done recently to be kind to yourself? What have you done to reward yourself? The days of punishing yourself with poison (alcohol) are over. Try being kind and nurturing to yourself
If you cannot stop the self-ripping, feeling bad, and wanting to kill yourself, then it is time for outside help. I personally think you just need to get out of your head and start enjoying recovery. This is about freedom and not having to be limited by our obsessions. You got sober to have a life so live it to the fullest (but stay sober!)
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Well said pink chip!!! I agree 100%. And when I read daria post I feel like she has accepted being an alcoholic. Keep moving on. Like Pink chip said get out of your head. Keep it simple! Your brain is still a bit foggy. Dont over think. Just let go. Think only for today.
Thankyou everyone for your messages of hope it means alot to me, it seems so horrible sometimes but I will keep praying because its my illness battling my higher power right now
I would a agree with everything said here, and maybe add that the thoughts of trying controlled drinking are NOT rational and you should ignore them. There is ample evidence of where that leads. I am betting those thoughts will subside.
__________________
Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
When I am ... ' all up into myself ', there aint no bubble bath or shopping spree or piece of candy thats gonna fix me.
Our own literature tells us that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. ( nothing sounds like a guarantee to me ).
21 months sober .. you have not completed the steps yet? Thats a shame cuz in my humble opinion you should be sponsoring other's at this point.
And if you need a miracle to keep you sober .. only God can do that. Id be on my knee's begging for strength to NOT pick up that first drink.
go work with some wet drunks. this is our twelfth step, it works when everything else fails. possibly get moving on step 9 so you can get busy on 10 and 11 too, this will take 3 days tops, then rework the steps with a different sponsor.
learn how to stop listening to the voice in your head, it's trying to kill you, all of our steps are designed for exactly that, if you actually work them i mean, step 8 at 21 months is what's known as balking, so like they say in shawshank redemption get busy living or get busy dying, listening to that voice in your head is the quickest way to get busy dying, and getting out of 'self' is the best way to get busy living, you have a textbook that gives you step by step instructions for exactly that, it tells what we do upon awakening, what to do during the day, and precisely how to work with the still suffering alcoholic, you can either go back and rework step one by drinking or get off yer butt and get to step 12 where the management has spared no expense in providing you with a large research and development dept of people that had the exact same thoughts as you are having, so it's up to you whether you visit R and D as a helper or a participant because guarenteed its gonna be one or the other
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Hi LynnBaba, I would love to be further through the steps but my sponsor said I had to stop my step 8 and go back to step 1, I cant even write resentments out. fair enough, but she also said "if I were you Id have a fucking drink, drink on me if you want" and "ive never had a sponsee relapse, but theres always a first time", as if shes foretold it. I dont think theres any need to egg someone like that whose trying, I think Ill find another sponsor. I dont trust her anymore. Sorry, rant
Hi LynnBaba, I would love to be further through the steps but my sponsor said I had to stop my step 8 and go back to step 1, I cant even write resentments out. fair enough, but she also said "if I were you Id have a fucking drink, drink on me if you want" and "ive never had a sponsee relapse, but theres always a first time", as if shes foretold it. I dont think theres any need to egg someone like that whose trying, I think Ill find another sponsor. I dont trust her anymore. Sorry, rant
I understand both your points of view, you and your sponsor are frustrated with each other, you, and she are doing the best you can, but it appears that possibly your relationship has turned toxic
I have absolutely walked a mile in your shoes and it was HORRIFIC, for me I had 2 friends "go out" after having long term sobriety, and I kept waiting for their lives to get worse, but the truth was their lives got better, they were more relaxed, they were having more fun, and the tiniest idea started growing in my head that maybe I wasn't an alcoholic either, that maybe I was "like them", I watched them for a year, and what started as a small pebble in my shoe became a roaring voice that ultimately consumed me, and I learned, much to my discomfort, that I wasn't in fact "like them", that I was an alcoholic of the hopeless variety, it took a year from the thought in my head before I drank, and it took another year from my first drink for my drinking to start picking up speed and getting truly bad, but sure enough, eventually I lost everything, got locked up, lost my career, my girl, my place etc etc sad story blah blah yawn, and the truth is I only made it back by a miracle, because I tried for 5 years without success, and my bottom actually came and I wasn't even drinking, I was cleaning my house and I came across all my old photos, and I just sat down and was looking at them and I started crying, I started crying about my wasted life, my wasted relationships, all the pain and fear and destruction I had caused...and I knew I was done
Now I've decided to let others do my research for me, I've discovered I am in that class known as a "real alcoholic" and I know what happens when I pick up that first drink, but I have a magical mind that will willingly and knowingly blot that information out, it comes with the obsession of the mind, so working with the still suffering helps keep that in check
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I would get a new sponsor...At 21 months sober, if you relapse now, it will be 20 times worse than you imagine. Any sponsor that encourages drinking is a waste of time. Just my opinion though. Hang in there! We are here for you! Don't drink. You will be grateful you kept your sorbriety later.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Trust God, Clean house, and Help others. That is our program boiled down. I have a sponsor, and I sponsor others. A sponsor is only a guide to help you get to a God of your understanding, who will solve your problem.. My steps are mine, not my sponsors. I tell the same thing to the guys I sponsor. Their steps are theirs, not mine. We help each other, and others to come to a God who will do for us that we cannot do for ourselves.
One drink can kill most of us, and anyone in this program who would tell you to pick up a drink, needs help themselves. Do some more inventory, talk to someone else in the program further down this road that you about some of those amends, then GO DO them. and go to detox and help some other woman who are dying from this thing... " there is more happiness in giving then receiving" and you are uniquely designed to help other dying alcoholics. Do not let anyone stand in your way of doing the things you need to save your life...
__________________
Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
I agree with PinkChip here, any sponsor that advocates drinking has got to be kicked to the kerb, that kind of advice has killed people. It is rare for people to come back to AA after a relapse so the odds are not good for that kind of reasoning in my view.
I'm so glad that you see that picking up another drink and see "maybe I don't have a problem" thinking as dangerous, and came here instead of to a bottle. Maybe it's time you shake things up a bit. Whether or not your sponsor is a good one, it seems that it is safe to say that she isn't good for you, and that's okay! You just need to try somebody else. Seeing a professional might also be a good idea: somebody that is trained to help you get to the bottom of your issues.
I hope this helps! Melissa
__________________
At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.
--Father Alfred D'Souza
You're in the right place and I hope you'll keep coming back, keep sharing, and please remember this: SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM!!!
Please ask your Higher Power to give you strength and courage to deal with life on life's terms. You can do it!
.comill recovered alcoholic, how did I recover from a seamingly hopeless state of mind and body contrary to expert OPINION! This is my experience not my opinion .I asked my god to make sure I don't say any thing that will get some one killed. I had to stop thinking for myself.period .and me always thinking that I was or still different than you people !that has to be smashed. I am a real alcoholic. My sponsor and his sponsor and the guys that I sponsor who also sponsor we have to be in agreementon the common solution.and don't drink go to meetings and pray.is not our solution.I recognise that that everyone here is a real one of the hopeless helpless variety that the book apeals to. My experience shows me that as I worked these steps and applied them to my life and did in fact gain access to and maitain a relationship with a god of my understanding.its personal to me. My intensive work that I do from 11 and 10 puts me in a position to be of service to Him. I am free to do as I am told .my suppoet group knows me better than me must of the time. How do they how ? Simple they follow the same path like follow the leader .there was but two coices one to continue on blotting out the intolerable situation as best as you can the other ,to accept spiritual help.a price had to be paid.simple but not easy. I never told the truth when I was asking for help I always played the victim.after practicing these princibles I and a whole lot of other people recovered from your hopeless state of mind and body. Get in line and just follow. That is what I did and continue to do. Not listen to the same idiot who got me here.
This is exactly why it's called Alcohol-ISM... it never becomes WASISM!
I= I S= Sabotage M = Myself
Cunning, Baffling and Powerful... In early, very early recovery I was repeated told that just because I wanted a drink, no matter how bad, it didn't mean I had to take it.
That I could be restored to sanity (STEP 2) BEFORE I pick up, if I was willing to stay sober and participate in the process. Sometimes all I could do is not drink... not talk with sponsor, not do step work, not get to a meeting... but where my participation was is not picking up... no matter what... no matter what was going on in me or around me. And sure enough I would do that long enough, sometimes minutes, sometimes days, sometimes weeks... ) and the MIRACLE of being restored to sanity would take place.
Having said all of that, .... When my 11 year old daughter drown... every bone in my body wanted to drink... it was all over me... and I was 8 years sober. I repeatedly told myself... "just because you want a drink, doesn't mean you have to take one".
When cleaning up my sisters blood off a basement flood after her husband had put a bullet in her head... every bone in my body wanted to drink... it was all over me... and I was 17 years sober. I repeated told myself... "just because you want a drink doesn't mean you have to take one"....
When I discovered my wife was having an affair and our marriage was over... every bone in my body wanted to take a drink... it was all over me... and I was 20 years sober. I repeated told myself... "just because you want a drink doesn't mean you have to take one".... It was during this period of time I picked up my 21st year of sobriety... got the medillion while everyone bone in my body wanted a drink... and I didn't want to die, but couldn't fine a reason to live.....
But I didn't take one...
Guess what... its been a bit over a month now since then... and today... I don't want a drink... because I DIDN'T TAKE A DRINK. And I don't want to die, because I do have alot of reasons to live... even if only to keep feeding my dogs... all I need is one reason, to wash out the negativity that my brain will create when trapped in the dis-ease.
Trust me, if I had drank, it wouldn't matter whether I wanted one or not... I'm an alcoholic...
I'd still be taking a drink...and another, and another, and another, and another...
Not be sitting here with over 21 years now.. typing on a AA message board, hoping I might be able to reach you.
If you are a real alcoholic... you have to understand what that means... How is it defined as a "Disease"???
1.) It's CHRONIC... it will raise its ugly head from time to time, (which is what yours sounds like its doing) I have "suffered" from alcohol-ism (I, Self, and Me) many times without having taken that drink.
2. It's Progressive... in the absince of treatment it only gets worse, never better. (Kinda like cancer that comes out of remission... it needs to be treated again, in order to keep in check and get it to go back in remission again) First treatment Rx is to NOT TAKE THE FIRST DRINK.
3.) It's potientially fatal... a terminal illness that will lead the sufferer into believing they don't have it....and convince them to take that first drink... (maybe I just ended up here during a moment of hysteria and it really wasn't that darn bad" ... "I think I just decided to check out that church with all the cars in the parking lot cause I had nothing else to do that night around 8pm) ..., and.... (delusions, illusions, that the alcoholic can convince themselves of, because they are suffering the insanity of the disease and again create a distorted perception of reality)... "I'm don't want to burn my life to the ground again, I just want a drink or two to take the edge off, to losen up... besides man, I been a pretty good AA sport for a good while now and ... deserve one.".
Sometimes the worse thing we can do is get stuck at Step One... when we do this we are castrating another part of the program, of the treatment process, of our healing and recovery...
More often than not, alcoholics know about powerlessness, even accept it,... know all the consciquences, what will happen, ect... and still take the drink.... why?
Because they didn't participate in Step 2. Asking the God of their understanding to restore them to sanity... and then ACTING AS IF HE HAS UNTIL HE DOES.
By not taking the first drink. No matter how bad it was wanted.
Based on what I read here, I don't think Step One is the problem...
