I dont like sympathy. I dont like being felt sorry for. Im my own person. I try to do whats right, on a daily basis, and I try, to the best of my ability to work this program, on a daily basis. Im far from perfect at it, and never will be. I trip--I fall-I stumble. But the big thing is I do my best, with what I have--which some days, isnt a hell of a lot. I use you people to hold me up some days, as in turn, I try to hold up others. We share-we care.

I used to wear masks. I dont do that any more. I try to be as honest and loving to others as possible, and will give anyone the shirt off my back, if they need it. I never knew how to show love, feelings and emotions, till a few short years ago. As a man, I can show all that good stuff today. Sometimes it scares the hell outa people. They cant handle it. They dont know how to accept it--so they run, or call it being weak. Its one of the biggest hurdles Ive experienced in my life. I never knew how. And I dont regret learning how.

AA has taught me how.

There are some days I know the answers, and solutions to get through the day sober.

There are lifes tests, and how we handle them. How we live with ourselves and others. All the stuff we deal with sober, on lifes terms.

I dont like to admit sometimes that there are days, that I need help. That there days, when I dont have all the answers, and that there are days when I dont have all the solutions.

I have 2 kids at home. A business that pays the bills and looks after kids future schooling etc. A nest egg, socked away for a rainy day. Little goals in the back of my mind, to give one incentive, to carry on sober, and things to look forward to.

You get knocked down. It causes pain. You deal with the pain the best you can--the wounds heal. You get up-you plug on with hope and faith. Sometimes you hafta change direction. But its ok.

Today I was informed of something, that I dont have the answers to--I dont have the solutions to--and I really, honestly, dont know how to deal with, and am going to hafta go outside this program to find out how.

I honestly dont know.

At first you say to yourself-well This is simple. You just do this, this, and this.

But its not simple. Its not simple at all. It involves any future goals being knocked for a crap. It involves going through physical pain, to prolong ones life. It involves, walking around like a zombie 50 percent of the time, because of medical injections. It involves --knowing that you hafta go through this stuff, just to survive, a while longer--so your kids will be on solid ground and be taken care of. It doesnt even involve you any more. Its stuff you hafta do for others.

If I wasnt sober, I wouldnt be able to do that. Where would my kids be today, if I wasnt sober? I dont know.

Im in the midst of selling out. Had a meeting tonight. Another meeting in a couple weeks.

Life on lifes terms.

How often do we take things for granted? That we are just going to carry on forever, and sooner or later, everythings going to be rosy.

Well-my freinds-sometimes, it just doesnt happen that way.

Rick-Youre out drinking again. Im going to lay it on yu pal. How many chances do you think you have left. How long do you think you can play around with this shit.

This is serious stuff my freind. You talked a few days ago about a loving understanding wife, and a graughter sitting on your knee, and being grateful.

Buddy--you cant have both worlds. Sooner or later the best world, is going to disappear. I guarantee you. Think about it. Think about it hard.

People sit in ruts with hope that things are going to get better. Reality is--that sometimes they dont. It takes decisions and choices. How many days do we waste sitting in those ruts.

We take each day for granted, sometimes--saying--awww-theres always tomorrow. Well-yu know what? There comes a time, when there arent any more tomorrows.

There just arent.

My thoughts for tonight.