The snow is blowing dense and fast, completely parallel to the ground, dumping about a foot and half so far, no signs of letting up. I am having my favorite snowed-in, planned ahead for it, non-vegetarian sandwich: whole grain toast, horseradish mayo, sliced turkey breast, natural potato chips, and bread and butter sweet pickle slices on top. Earl Gray tea with local honey, and a square of Lindt Orange Essence dark chocolate. The office is closed. I am home (I have a home!!! and it has heat!!!) watching a re-run of Top Chef. I love Top Chef.
I love what I am NOT having: withdrawals; recuperation from the last near-death experience; no memory from the blackouts (who is this guy and where am I?); sleeping on the subway (good for three round trips, Bronx to Bklyn), the Staten Is. ferry (good for 2 round trips), the Port Authority bus station bathroom stall-I called it the upper bunk LOL); the battered women's shelter; the hospital(s); the wrong end of the gun(s); the car wrecks; the rapes that so many of us thought was just the price to be paid, whatta ya gonna do?; the money gone, gone, gone, and worse-owed, to the wrong people; the house once gained, lost; fired, again; sick; tired; angry; rueful; suicidal; homicidal (ideation);my daughter screaming she hates me (she meant it); welfare when it was deeply demeaning and not an accepted way of life; rotting teeth; foul mouth in the wrong settings; ripping off my customers; being ripped off; mourning dead friends (drugs & HIV & Hep C & the inevitable hangings); breaking my parents hearts and scaring them to death; the heroin and strychnine disaster; the car a non-running wreck, along with my spiritual condition; the denial, and then, the "discovery" of--gasp--the worst--alcoholism! Dang, life ain't fair-couldn't catch me a break! Until my old dealer said, hey, try this instead.
Let me repeat myself. I love what I have today, and I love what I am NOT having.
And I only had to take 12 steps to get to look out my window at this lovely snow, eating my sandwich, drinking my tea, anticipating my chocolate, "chatting" with y'all, and watching my show. Cool!
Sooo much to be grateful for! I love the heavy snow. It is up almost over my dog's back right now. She is a Norwegian Elkhound, so she ADORES snow. She is a hilarious clown in it too, bouncing around like a rabbit to het through it, her tail curled up tightly over her back. She sticks her head down into, so deep you cannot see her ears and can barely see her collar!!! Then she pulls her snow-covered head out and SNORTS to get the snow out of her nose. It is a trip, and I'm so glad I don't have to miss out on this beautiful and comical display of natural instincts of a blessed dog.
I have waded through snow this deep in the past to try to find drugs. I have SAT in it, almost getting frostbitten, to get drunk and high. I've seen people get chased in it by the police, and they could never get away entirely because they left tracks wherever they went. I have heard of homeless alcoholics being found dead in it because they succombed to the sob-freezing temperatures.
What a blessing my life is this very minute. I can enjoy this weather for all it's beauty and the playfulness that it draws from people and animals everywhere. I have lovely steam-heat radiators in my apartment which make it toasty warm (and I don't have to pay a gas bill! Yay!) I have a women's meeting and I will brave the roads, nice and slow, because we in Northern Ohio are quite used to driving in it for many months every year. Then I have movie night with a friend, and I will probably cook up something yummy to snack on. Many people I know do not have to work when it is this snowy. I will then cuddle up in bed with my precious dawggy and kitty, and we will all keep eachother furry and warm while we sleep.
Life is great. At 37 days again back on the horse, it just can't be beat. :)
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Thanks Lee ,you are absolutely correct....TOP CHEF IS THE JOINT!!!!!Thanks for the ride,I was glad I was also able to get off the "downbound train to oblivion"We are also chillin up in here,PK, NY,,got 'Case 39"(Renee Zillwigger) from video store,got about 14 inches of snow again.Laurie and I will sit in our little wicker couch(someone left it on curb ,one persons junk ,anothers treasure)look out our big bay window ,in our little rented house on the praire,and be grateful that we are blessed!!!Then watch a video.....did we travel light years in this universe,or were we here all along and just didn't know how to find "our spot" The student became ready and the teacher said "Lets go,take a step with me,and then another....................peace my friend!!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Not strung out and a very intact memory!! Awesome and thanks. So I can imagine you being one of those people popping thru that liquid time window from there to now smile on your face, munching the sandwich. How believeable is this less you've worn the same shoes? Thanks for your recovery...hold the pickles. (((hugs)))
OPPS........wrong board!!!! Sorree :) Even I, old school this and purist that, have to admit it's difficult today to not be a hybrid cross-over...I forgot which forum I was on...something about the steps being the steps, I guess!
Lee . The message will hold the alcoholic must have depth and weight. I can identfy with the thinking and the feelings.my disease always told me that it was all those circustances that were the problem. So I would put it down and re create my life not work any steps and give it all away again. So the drinking was never my problem it was and continues to be my problem . I was full flight from reality an out right mental defective, half retarded.lol Powerless hopelessness helpless .I to had to go to those depths. And can now see how god was there the entire time. He got me thru dispite me being me. As I sit here I can be at ease . And know that he is god . Despite fanacial issues with no fear of it . Out of work because of health issues courage to change the things I can put steps and I don't have to smoke ciggerettes thank you god. Serveing him with all this spare time kids in school I have to time to sponsor guys getting them thru the steps. The pack that I run with we go 5 most every Sunday. Looking at my life and how inventory is so important.giving the very best means self sacrifice. And the results .grace and mercy. In the presence of my creator on a daily basis. All the gifts.that he has givin me. Freedom would be the most important. Like you have just shared . I no longer have to live a double life. But the intensive work that a a shown me .in the practical application.saved my life.and gave me a brand new one .thank god for a 12 step program.and thank you
