Hey everyone- haven't checked in here lately and figured I should.
I was back out for a while- a pretty long, painful stretch, actually. The move from the Big Island to Oahu has taken a toll on me. I like it on the Big Island way more than I do here- I was in the city the first year and that wasn't such a great environment for me (just being packed in so tight like cities tend to be) but now I'm on the East side it's a little better. Mellower, more space.
I cant get used to outside meetings. After years of power tools and amplifiers my hearing is shot. Also people tend to speak quietly- when I speak at an outdoor meeting I try to be sure they can hear me in the back row. ;) Not that I ever have all that much people need to hear- but I try to make up for it in volume and clarity.
Back out- an exercise in futility. Safari through Hell. Steep learning curve. No fun at all. My step-mom (no pun intended) has eight years. Both my grandpas died drunks. A Legacy of the Scotch Irish. A bit back I got up one morning and drank a bottle of Kettel One mixed with my son's Capri-suns. The nex morning I didn't have to think about it long, I was just through.
There comes a point when the party is over, and all that's left is a receptacle to pour enough booze in until the whole feels a little less empty. I must be full of leaks- I never have been able to fill the hole. After the party is over and all the guests have gone home all you have left is "utility drinking"- putting in the work, beating the crap out of yourself.
But hey- I'm diagnosed A.D.D. (and at 45, looking back on my childhood before they diagnosed that particular malady, that translates to "screwed For Life".) You may not know it but most A.D.D.s have substance abuse issues at some point. And from what I have observed, the rooms are full of us.
Anyhow- I'm back in the rooms, sheepish, a little disappointed, maybe a little wiser for it, but in one piece with all my parts in the right places.
You know the term "he struggles with addiction"? I understand what they meant.
Aloha Tobe...just back from my home meeting "AA by the Bay" Leleiwe - Hilo and also from supporting a couple members who have ventured a bit too far from the hut them selves however they also took out all they learned times before with made the trip tiedous and shorter than terminal. We had a couple "Eastside" members pass this last year while on relapse and still more who came back in to the tables with renewed effort. I hang with relapsers cause I want the experience and humility.
I've also been taught the ADD and ODD perspectives of alcoholics which is a part of my own psycological and emotional makeup. With ADD I work the program in smaller steps over shorter periods of time which is the most focus I can muster since I've been here. The ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) is diminished by the blessing of very very good memory of what it use to be like and what I have learned since coming into AA and Al-Anon recovery.
You're on my home island. Oahu is where the key was turned in the lock which held cover over a disease I didn't know I was born into. At first I mistook all those demons for God and I was only 9. It was my Grandma in Kaimuki who turned me on while my Mom fought for her children going alcohol free. Didn't happen until recovery arrived in another country at an other time when I was older and standing around hundreds of strangers who are now family and who could from experience translate the picture of compulsion and allergy, obsession and insanity to me inch by inch, day by day. God never left my side and wasn't in the bottle...God, Akua as I understand Akua was in the rooms and each of the fellows in the fellowship. I am beyond gratitude...I am in service at the door at AA by the Bay and the district.
Find a home group...get into service...you know the routing pass on the miracle.
So glad to see you back...By the way, ADHD does not translate into screwed for life. Most adults learn to harness it into being productive and successful in more hands on careers such as yourself. Like alcoholism, if you allow yourself, what was once your weakness will be your strength. The way you describe your last run sounds pretty much like the progression of alcoholism for any one of us. Start out fun, then fun with problems, then only problem. As far as coming back now, Don't be sheepish! Go at the program gangbusters now! Rooting for you!
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
TLH, sooo glad to see you, and many many hugs. I too relapsed, and it was extremely ugly, and pitiful. I even landed myself in JAIL. UGH. I get to do probation for a year now, which actually I am pleased about, as one more instance of accountability never hurt anyone.
I too felt a little sheepish at my first few meetings back. But I feel full swing now, after just a little over 30 days.
We can do this!
joni
__________________
~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Thanks you all. (Pink Chip- I'm ADD- not ADHD.But what I meant was that as a kid it wasn't really identified, and I've pretty much paid for it up until I was diagnosed a couple years ago at my drug/alcohol shrink. She was kind of stunned that no one picked up on it sooner, as I am a CLASSIC A.D.D. along with being a textbook typical A.A. ;) )
Man- Christmas was such a drag this year. Last year and the year before Christmas was just okay. The two years prior at Christmas I was sober, and things were better. I've heard people refer to the holidays as the Winter Membership Drive- no kidding!!
Joni- I ended up in cuffs too, at one point. I spent quite a bit of time in cuffs early on in life, but it's been a LONG time since then. Luckily my ex-wife bailed me out. It was a Sunday afternoon- one of my Irish hoodlum friends was leaving the island and heading back to Boston- and he being essentially out the door, if it weren't for my ex wife I would have ended up in County for the night- not the best place for a middle aged white boy.
TLH, I had not been arrested for MANY years either... and what it taught me is that I was pretty arrogant the past years that I carelessly thought I was too smart to get arrested again. The only time I AM smart enough to not get arrested, is when I am smart enough to work Steps 1, 2 and 3 for 24 hours at a time!
;)
__________________
~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
There is no such diagnosis as A.D.D. It was removed in the last edition of the DSM. What you are referring to is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Primarilly inattentive type. You are not classic ADHD as most people have the hyperactivity. I think it is very good to get the disorder treated, but I don't think you should limit yourself based on the diagnosis. Also, once treated, it should not be a hinderance to you so much. It is not a condition that should limit your life. I was diagnosed with clinical depression in my early 20s. Males who have had multiple episodes and who have an early onset of depression have the worst prognosis. Knowing this, for a while, I thought I got crapped on so bad...I had to change my outlook. If I allowed myself to be governed by statistics, labels, and "what I heard" instead of seeing myself as an individual, I would not be doing myself any favors. I would be playing victim.
I am merely stating that it is not doing you any good at all to cling to labels that promote sickness. It is good to know that you are aware, but it would behoove you more to focus on wellness and building a recovery rather than living in a muck of limitations and problems. You truthfully have no limitations and the sky is the limit for you, as long as you have faith and stay sober. Don't write yourself off so easily. Now that I have worked the steps and have stayed sober for a little while, my problems with depression are minimal (though not gone). More will be revealed to you, and I am willing to bet that with some faith and some work, you will eventually realize this "ADD" is mostly an excuse for self-sabotaging, a lack of ambition, and fear based behavior which is really just straight up alcoholism. Of course I could be wrong, but I bet I'm not.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I guess that came out too blunt. I didn't mean it that way. I just wanted to tell you not to let any diagnosis limit you. In recovery, you will amaze yourself if you stay the course.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hi bill recovered alcoholicm there are those to with grave mental and emotional problems. Many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. And that s how it was for me. Emo and manic like a motha. I had to put some steps on it . Results I found a way to where I do not have to drink ever again. Recovered I am living proof. I got in line playing follow the leader. Rarly wek we seen a person fail who has throughly followed our path. I did nothing right the first year in. Grace and mercy. Until the understanding that the on off switch broke and I was drinkibg passed my will ans there was notthing I nor anyone else could do to make it stop.nothing could be done. The bottom line is this . I conceded to the fact that I was powerless and that there was something bigger than me and bigger than my disease. You can't have mine you can work these steps and find your own .
Keep a sense of humour and keep breathin bud :) Hafta look back and laugh at ourselves sometimes.. I think the word is "insanity" :) I was also back out for a while...after 22 years sober.. Dont really know why.. One day..I just said "Fook it" and in the end "IT" FOOKED me..:) Never wound up in jail.. but I had a couple of girlfreinds.. that met each other.. Jail would have been easier..:)
PS I was wrong:) I DO know why I went back out.. I quit going to meetings.. and after a while my thinking reverted back to the old stuff.. When they say..that "We arrest this disease on a daily basis"? They are right :)
