A friend's daughter, who is a 20 something college student, wrote the answer to the question below. I thought that it was profound and brought it here for discussion. I'll comment later.
How do you rationalize giving people the benefit of the doubt?
In my opinion, everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves. People may not be able to change their natures, but, given the chance and the strength of will, they can change their actions. One bad turn does not deserve (or, indeed, indicate) another.
I find it helpful to remember that when someone does something that upsets or disgusts me, it is okay for me to feel angry or unhappy-- after all, I have as much of a right to be appalled as they have a right to feel justified in doing what they did. It is important to remember, however, that this means every coin has two sides... I may not agree, but they did what they did for a reason, and that reason made sense to them at the time. Therefore, holding on to that anger is meaningless. It is my job, as as their sister on this earth, to respect that choice, even if I don't agree with it, and assume they had a reason.
Sometimes, the circumstance allows conversation, at which point both sides can share their views and possibly find a solution. Sometimes, it does not allow that luxury, and both sides must go on with their lives with a bad taste in their mouths. But that bitter taste can be sweetened, at least in part, by remembering that there are always lessons to be gleaned by unfortunate events, and that taking the high road-- turning the other cheek-- not burning bridges-- ALWAYS puts one in a position of cleanliness and respectfulness that is open to forgiveness and a rectification of misunderstandings... it opens the door to a possible future when mistakes can be forgiven, more lessons can be learned, and friendships can be re-fostered.
Also, giving the benefit of the doubt is a sign of good faith... and good faith is always returned in kind somewhere down the line. Each of us has been given the benefit of the doubt at some point in our lives, and we have also all been judged unfoundedly. Which does one prefer? Therefore, which ought one pass along?
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 6th of January 2011 09:15:27 PM
This is what I do when giving the benefit of the doubt:
I try to remember that nobody sets out purposely trying to be an asshole and to screw up my life or my day. Everyone has their own agenda and their own purpose. Almost nobody is straight up evil and people in general are all just trying to protect themselves and to do good. They may do bad things because they don't know better. Hence, I give the benefit of the doubt.
People act like jerks because they don't mean to 90 percent of the time right?
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
"I am not so important that everyone's agenda revolves around me. When someone acts out toward me, it is usually because THEY don't feel good or are dealing with problems. It probably has very little to do with me."
This helps me to be forgiving toward people, or perhaps give them the benefit of the doubt.
I feel that I am generally a good, well-meaning person. But I have really hurt people throughout my life, without meaning to. More often than not, it had to do with my own pain and misery, my self will and other symptoms of alcoholism, and symptoms of simply being "human".
And I'd like people to give me the benefit of the doubt. So I have to realize others are just like me in that respect, whether alcoholic or not.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
I've had to work very hard to even want to give people the Botd. Both my parents were sarcastic and critical. Mother was judgmental and Dad was perfectionistic. I was left feeling very sensitive, judgmental/critical, and sarcastic. It was typical for me to be telling people what was wrong with them (more or less) before they said or did something I didn't like. They never had a chance. So I began to work backwards from this position of self victimization and ridicule of others toward acceptance and learning to become unassuming. <--- that's another one of those words that I had no idea what it meant, until I met my wife. She never jumps to conclusions, suspects, assumes, judges.... When I first met her I thought that she was just a little naive lol. But after awhile she would ocassionally ask me why I spent a fair amount of time resenting others. She told of Dale Carnegie's "3 C's" Dont Criticize, Condemn, or Complain! I was thinking "Damn, what will I do with all of my spare time" I won't have anything to talk about. It's a wonder how my wife patiently waited for me to chlll out. I'm still chilling down.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 6th of January 2011 05:53:14 PM
to follow their own nature, that way you will never be surprised
like no "good" or "bad", no moral or value judgements, more like, this is a Tiger, don't stick your head in it's mouth, this is a scorpion, don't put it on your back as you cross the stream, this is a dog, feed it and throw the ball, this is a cat. hold still until it comes by and gives you the head butt and tail drag, and then you can grab it and pet it and make it purr
Like Chuck C says, people don't do bad things because they want to, they do them because they have to, kind of like us when we were drinking, that's why the 4th step out of the BB was so critical, it showed I acted with more char defects then 99.9% of the people I was resentful towards once I gridded it out, it's hard to point the giant finger of blame when your the biggest F-up on the block, it's like oh....they, like us, are/were sick too
I can make an accurate assesment of a situation without resentment today, I was talking about this very thing today, one of my employers has about the emotional development of a 3yo, rather then fight with him when he is pitching a little fit, I help him change his perspective, then he and the entire crew is thankful to me, rather then clashing and everyone gets cranky, he just gave me a about a 30% raise after 6 months and I suspect it's more from this skill (and a few others) then due to my outstanding physical capabilities, since I'm 45 years old doing a young mans job
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Good recovery discussion for me...Learned how to give the benefit of the doubt in program as a part of 4 - 10 and still practice that on a daily basis. I need to exercise that ability considering it is how I want to be treated and in values it is Fair, Honest and Just. I don't need to apply "rights" or laws as a justification to applying acceptance of another person. They are who they are and do what they do or did at the time for whatever compelled them, real or unreal and so comes for me the application of "unconditional" acceptance; the benefit of the doubt. I apply the awareness that we all have abilities and use them and to which others have either positive reactions, no reactions or negative reactions. Even if I think first before I speak or do the reaction exists from others and it is the same for me when the doer is another person.
I don't give the Benefit of the doubt with tacit approval; without thinking about what is happening and what the consequences may well be for me because I am responsible for what happens to me. I have little to no control over others and I do have control for myself to a larger degree. Respect for others is a part of my program and respect for how they think, feel or act comes from inside my recovery experiences. I don't automatically agree or approve what is not within my experiences and under- standing.
There is aways room for doubt and I can be wrong and have been in the past. I can give others what I want for myself.
