Hmmm... Presumably you absented yourself from this gathering due to the presence of alcohol. Smart thing in early sobriety, although perhaps not a permanently necessary precaution, if I understand the program correctly.

Is alcohol such a common fixture at gatherings of this group, that there no opportunities to share conviviality without it? Or is it the experience of drinking in a group what you are regret losing, rather than the people?

Not meaning to pry, just interested.

Aquaman wrote:

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and I was reminded of it when I saw their FB pics of last night. Laughing, smiling, dancing with drinks in their hands and living in the moment.
I felt lonely. I felt like an outsider. I felt like a broken toy.
Until I played the tape to the end and remembered what it costs me to pretend to be like them.
Then I came here where it's safe to feel like I feel right now. 
Now I'll go do something. I'll make dinner for my kids and watch some TV. 

Peace,
Rob
 

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Now, aren't you glad you're not like them and are more like us?

New Years Eve Barnsley style, I'm coming home from the meeting and the tahn (town) is heaving. women wearing too much make up and not enough clothes, men with a hunted look in their eyes and six packs in their hands rather than on their bodies. Frenetic and frantic and chasing the dream, hounding happiness, finding it for a short time in a bottle before it all goes wrong. Doormen in black abercrombie coats with hi vis vest over the top, mean looks in their eyes, waiting for some action. they'll see plenty before the nights out. Police in pairs, an ambulance ready and waiting, doors open lights on.

Fast forward, 2 a.m., I've watched Jools Holland and I'm watching top of the pops in bed when the pub at the bottom of the hill turns out.

So much shouting and ranting and being sick and arguing and even a bit of fighting to the background score of police and ambulance sirens in the distance.

8am - the village is as quiet as a grave, just me, the cat and the birdsong, coffee and a smoke and I can remember everything I've said and done in the past 12 hours! (and one guy quietly retching and a woman weeping softly in their house. Hmmm) 

 Phone call to my Mum to wish her a Happy New Year. another cup of coffee and then breakfast. Really, if it get's any better I'll barely be able to stand it!

What would I rather have? Peace, calmness and a clear head, or anger, disappointment, frustration, resentmen, a pile of puke to clean up, a weeping wife, frightened children and not knowing what the hell I got up to last night, who I need to abase myself to, who I need to avoid?

-- Edited by bikerbill on Sunday 2nd of January 2011 04:55:14 AM

SteveP wrote:

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Great thread, lots of powerful recovery on here. I'd be a lying if I said that I didn't still sometimes feel what Rob is feeling, albeit for a nanosecond or two. The power of going to meetings with old timers and of hearing folks like Dean on here is knowing that IF I stick with AA, then even those occasional nanoseconds will, in due course, disappear.

But yep, is good to fast forward the tape. Certainly helps me to deal with those nanoseconds while they still occur.

Steve

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Yes Steve, it's rare that I get that old outside the fishbowl looking in feeling.  I had a mini meltdown at a familiy wedding 2 years ago.  The reception, that drags out way too long, was fine for the first 2 hours. Then when the  large group of FL, twice remeoved, in-laws began getting hammered and acting like the inbred rednecks that they are, It affected me.  I didn't want to drink, I got restless, irratible, and discontent.  I started having the urge to bump one of the drunker one's into the resort's pool.  Finally I realized that I needed to leave and let my wife know that she could stay as long as she liked but I was leaving.  I'd overstayed my 90 minute rule buy better than an hour.  The next day, I annalyzed my behavior with my sponsor.  I concluded that a good deal of my problem was that I wasn't the center of attention lol.  The old wanting to be the life of the party and it was not happening.  I kinda recognized it at the reception, midway through, and cajoled myself into being one of the crowd as in ~  "We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society.  And that worked for about an hour, but when my wife's drunken in-laws began acting like idiots and getting laughs for it,  my inner child got a little pissed lol.  Come late, tell a couple of your best jokes, and leave early. 

 

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 2nd of January 2011 09:02:47 AM

I frequently forget to fast forward the tape and over the christmas pushed myself into a social situation that I really had no business going to at this stage of my sobriety. I will try to remember to fast forward for the future.

I got to come home from work new years morning and clean up after the party. What a riot that was LOL. Although I have no feelings or emotions regarding alcohol today, there's no reason for me to be around it. The BB talks about getting to a point where we have no opinions, good or bad, about alcohol. After making several trips to, and purchases from the liquor store this past Christmas time for gifts, I understand what that means. I'm still amazed at the blessings and miracles I receive daily from this life saving program. I gotta ask myself, will the wonders never cease? I really doubt they ever will.

Brian

Hey Jonijoni, I think it starts with telling someone (sponsor) about any urge or thought of drinking or using. The moment it happens, the next moment you're picking up the phone to tell your sponsor. There are a lot of associated behaviors, for me, that I group together with relapse (over the top anger, lying, lustful thoughts, obsessing about people, places or things) . I still tell my sponsor about them asap. It's accountibility.

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 3rd of January 2011 05:09:33 PM

Hey I just wanted to add on to my last post. I hear a lot of people complain that they couldn't "get ahold of their sponsor". I call BS on that because nearly everyone has an answering machine or voice mail on their phone. Leaving a detailed message "telling on yourself" about urges, or what's bugging you is just as good as telling it to them live. Remember that people have a life and they will get back to you. This is also your cue to go directly to a meeting. The most important time to go to a meeting is when you don't want to, and something is bugging you. #1 way to prevent a relapse, call your sponsor on the way to a meeting. It's crucial to buy time. It also pays handsomely to have several close AA friends that you can dial in a panic to talk about troubling things that you might drink over. I was lucky enough to have 3 sober room mates for the first 4 years. Talk about a guaranty. People to talk to, people to watch (living a sober lifestyle) people to go to meetings with... Thank God for my sober room mates, all of them.