I am carrying a great deal of anxiety right now, about something that happened during my using that has already damaged one person (thanks to his own actions), but could damage my life as well. I won't know the outcome possibly for a few months. I could either remain anonymous, or have to become involved (which I hope I don't. The thought of it makes me totally panic.)
But I carry around this fear. All day, every day. It really is a terrible mess. (See? relapse is horrible... all kinds of things can happen that we AREN'T expecting, and it can ruin lives. That is, if we don't die!)
In this terrible mess, I have tried a lot of different things for the anxiety. Yes, I am on meds, but trust me, meds can't touch this one. The ONLY thing that helps right now is to get focused on God. On the here and now. All day. Whenever I am thinking about said occurance (frequently). I have to stop and pray "Thy Will Be Done" and then try to be willing to accept any outcome. And then try to appreciate where I am at this moment, my freedom, what I am able to do, etc. I often have to stop and say the Serenity Prayer. If I keep saying it and thinking about it, it helps stop the fear and panic when nothing else will.
Last night I was dwelling on "it" before bed. I read the Acceptance Pamphlet, and the first couple of Chapters from the 12&12. I got to sleep. (Then up at 3am).
Is this what they mean by our pain being a gift that brings healing and greater faith? Is this what it takes to become as willing as the dying can be? Could this be the "bottom", the likes of which I have never even imagined before? I have gotten sober before, thinking I had hit bottom. I would get into trouble, and miraculously be lifted from the cauldron of hot water I had gotten myself into. Then I'd be on a "pink cloud" sometimes for a long time.
There is no pink cloud this time. At 21 days sober, I haven't even begun to feel "comfortable" like I did in early recovery times before. This is REAL pain. REAL regret. Drinking and drugging are not options anymore. The ONLY option that leaves me with is to wait. And keep praying for acceptance. And to build a REAL solid foundation in recovery. To let my Higher Power become REAL to me this time.
Is this anxiety, this "situation" that I regret.... is it a gift? Perhaps, if it makes me as willing as the dying can be.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Yikes. Poor Jonijoni. This is probably an obtuse question, but is there anything practical you can do about the situation? Was somebody injured? You say that it was due to somebody else's actions. if so, is there any reasonable chance it could bounce back on you?
Just trying to determine whether this is any mountain vs molehill element here one might work on.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
no molehill. I assure you. Maybe I will get the nerve up to talk about it... I don't know yet. I have talked to my sponsor though. Her reply was, "just wait and see what happens".
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-- Edited by jonijoni1 on Tuesday 28th of December 2010 09:45:43 PM
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Hmmm. I think most people here would say that we're concerned about you first, so if you can get something out in the open that will clear the air and help your sobriety, then the other person can just deal with it. If they did something wrong, that's their responsibility not yours. I can't imagine that anything you might be keeping quiet is worth relapsing over.
As far as dealing with it in the meantime, not sure what to say. Maybe try to remove your emotions from the situation, and evaluate objectively just how likely or unlikely the worst case scenario is.
Just a thought. Cool boots, by the way. Is that like a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" reference?
-- Edited by zzworldontheweb on Tuesday 28th of December 2010 08:05:41 PM
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Otherwise it's just a PITA and in some instances an indicator of my spiritual fitness, I suspect the reason drugs don't work on it is because it is a real and valid situation that needs real and valid action on your part to (a) see what your part is and (b) make direct amends where possible as long as you don't injure the person you harmed or others (others doesn't include ourselves I was taught, the instructions are pretty specific)
What step are you on Joni?
Can you handle this when you get to get to step 9, which should be pretty quick, seeing as how you have been around quite awhile, it shouldn't take but a few weeks to get to step 9 after you return to AA, that step actually has some pretty specific instructions on things exactly of this nature
That was the biggest thing for me as well with "relapse" is having to start over in every area of my life, especially and including cleaning up my wreckage, and I especially hated hearing "it aint 'old behavior' if we are still doing it"
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Look Joni...any of us could have a brain aneurism and die tomorrow...Sounds bleak yeah...But the point is, don't waste your time worrying about stuff that might not come to fruition. You have had lots of time in the program and this is really a serenity prayer issue. Can you control the outcome of this? Doesn't sound like it.
That being said, when my own brain chemistry is off or when I am on new meds or whatever, you could not tell me my reality and my worries were not totally valid. I am sure that some of the worry here is legitimate, but I also know you are getting stable again and it is going to take time. Be easy on yourself. You are fine NO MATTER WHAT! Nothing, I mean NOTHING has to upset you and take away your serenity. Feelings are not facts and there is no situation that absolutely dictates that you rack yourself with worry and mess up your quality of life.
Remember people love you and try to love yourself a little bit more today!!
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
There are no amends to be made, other than my being in the wrong place at the wrong time BECAUSE I RELAPSED. Ugly ugly ugly.
At any rate, I spoke to my co-sponsor about it after the meeting tonight, on our way back to my house. She has 14 years sobriety, and was very much a mirror image of what it's like for me to be out there, and what I'm like when messed up. She has "been around the horn" a few times. Prison, etc...
Her advice was the same as my sponsor. Don't do anything. Just stay sober, take care of yourself, wait and see what happens, if anything. That I am re-traumatizing myself when I dwell on it and live in fear. This is two sponsors saying exactly the same thing (without knowing what the other's response was.) I think it is worth listening to.
I need to live in the solution. The solution is opening up to my most intimate support group (sponsor and co-sponsor, and I feel a bit better for it now), continue seeking acceptance, continue praying and burying myself in AA. Keep reading the books that will help me survive a life of alcoholism and drug addiction. If only for a moment, I feel the burden lifted a little tonight. And I know that I don't have to go back to the streets, where this stuff happens 24/7.
(Thanks Mark........ just read your reply as well)
-- Edited by jonijoni1 on Tuesday 28th of December 2010 09:59:23 PM
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
((((Joni))))...the amends is "Don't drink...don't use" for me because in every instance where I was "accidentally or intentionally" screwing my world up there were two things always present...Me and alcohol. I'm working my amends...don't drink and don't use any mind and mood altering substances. I give you two slogans which I use on a 24/7 basis and have for years. "When in Doubt....Don't" and "Don't react". Those are not substitutions for doing the right thing at the right time. They are to keep me out of the management office when I am least able to handle the job. Until then it is a sponsor and HP position.
Thanks for sharing this. It has helped me today. I like the idea of staying out of the management office and am going to leave it to HP and my sponsor also.
Thanks everyone. Yes, LinBaba, I am beginning work on the Steps right away. I am on Step 3, and my sponsor has me reading the Acceptance pamphlet, over and over again (which is all about turning it over), and using the Big Book and 12&12. I have had problems in the past forgetting to "Turn It Over", and then to KEEP turning stuff over. My sponsor and co-sponsor know exactly where I have been lacking before.
I too love Jerry's comment about the "management position"... lol Awesome!!!!
And Mark mentioned that I am "getting stable again" mentally. (i.e. I am not yet QUITE there, but getting there.) This is important for me to recognize because with a mental illness and altered brain chemistry, I do have to recognize that some of the extreme paranoia and panic comes from that. Basically, illness exacerbates and increases normal feelings or worry and anxiety. Illness can make them HUMONGOUS and nearly unbearable. But each day is getting better with that part of my recovery.
I did sleep better last night, thanks to you guys, and talking to my co-sponsor, and prayer and reading. There are so many tools to use. I am really glad they are all available and being willing to pick them up and use them helps too.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
