So Christmas was tough... emotionally... problems with my daughter and then my mother... I struggled through... went to meetings all through the holiday including Christmas day, got a sponsor last Thursday at my women's bb meeting. Loved her, felt great about her... she insisted I call her every morning but has yet to call me back... I was ready to work the steps - bought a special notebook, couldn't wait to get to it... and since we're in the midst of our first blizzard of the year here in Mass., I had some nice quiet time on my hands this morning, so I spent all morning going through all my AA literature, 'journaling' all this special spiritual and uplifting 'stuff' that has been taking up space all over my desk and in my head; I was just really being in a good place...
and then the shit hit the fan... nasty emails to and from my mother; my daughter's rebelliousness started it off... Snow plow guy who is a hired hand (not a resident) for the guy across the street who doesn't even live in the house in the winter comes and starts a fight with us about where we leave our snow and he makes the big mistake of going after my son... so I come out practically swinging and my husband gets pissed at me for opening my big mouth even though he's the one about to physically fight this guy... I'm sorry but come after my 15 year old boy who is shoveling and snowblowing the neighborhood's driveways and you're gonna get the wrath of his mama when you come swearing about him... I feel like this guy is coming back to start trouble since he has yet to actually plow the guy's driveway, and now my husband is out with my son for the night... great.
Supposed to start my job tomorrow... Was so excited, yet suddenly I feel "not ok"
I feel so 'sick' emotionally... I want to check back into the outpatient program... It's the emotional part that is kicking my a$$ more than a 'craving' for a drink. Scared to death for my daughter, full of resentment toward my mother, sisters & brother who won't speak to me because I choose to speak to my father. My husband: doesn't 'get' it... I'm alone except for my AA friends, and now I choose to isolate at home.
I have talked a LOT this weekend and spent a lot of time with a supportive older male AA friend. He has been like a 'temporary' sponsor and has 45 years of sobriety. A+ kind of person from what I can tell... but I am starting to feel a littlr uncomfortable... He is awesome... I call him my 'temporary' sponsor'. He is the one encouraging me to get a female sponsor so there is nothing 'weird' going on there... I know men don't go with women and vice versa when it comes to AA, but right now he's all I got... I know he cares for me and is trying to help but I'm becoming spooked by the whole thing. He must sense that I am on the edge. And is calling more. And I am avoiding. And ready to drink due to EVERYTHING. Dammit... Why can't all this stop???
I just want to live a simple, peaceful life without alcohol and all this emotional stuff is confusing the issue and causing me depression and anxiety which I do not need. Ugh.... so hard.
Somebody please tell me what I need... I've tried praying... I thought I was in a great place... and suddenly I feel lost again. I think it's this new stuff with my mother and the remnants of a crappy Christmas with my daughter... but whatever it is, it's really not good.
You are not alone. vent here anytime you need to. problems and anxiety are around us whether we drink or not. how we react is what saves us. as you get stronger in AA and start the steps with a sponsor or friends or this MIP site, you will learn about "the pause" that keeps us from diving head first into a pile of shit. it took me quite a while to "not react". it is like an emotional way to hang up on someone. so i think, what am i supposed to do about this? does this have anything to do with me? and if the other person is behaving like a lunatic i learned to say "that is unacceptable behavior". sometimes i just have to say, i cannot help you when you are yelling at me, let's take a break to calm down first, and walk away. you can get sucked dry if you jump into every body's fights and problems. it is called drama. alcoholics thrive on drama. drama keeps the finger pointing at everyone else but me. disengage and the drama goes on with the rest of the family without grinding you to pieces. step one:i am powerless over alcohol (can include people places and things) and know my life has become unmanageable, step 2:came to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, step 3: made the decision to turn my will over to the care of God, the higher power of my understanding. Billyjack has a saying on his signature, "If how i feel becomes more important than what I do, I AM SCREWED. maybe not what you want to hear, but it is true. do what is right and you will start to feel better. ask God what he wants you to do, be willing to do it. just be willing to be willing and your life will improve. big hugs xxxooo jj/sheila
-- Edited by jj on Monday 27th of December 2010 06:09:11 PM
right now don't be embarrassed or ashamed or let anyone tell you to be those things to keep talking to this old guy, no human power can relieve our alcoholism so it's important to not let your dependence on him become your only lifeline, but God has placed him in your life, use him if you are sure his motives are pure, I ask honestly, is he truly so old as to feel himself out of the sexual running for you?
I can't start answering your "stuff" item by item, because your state of being is that of untreated alcoholism, this is what we mean by saying alcohol is only a symptom and taking the alcohol away will only make life more painful until we address our underlying inability to fit in with the world around us
A few things however, have you stated in your daily messages to your sponsor to call you back? One sponsor I had I had to get pretty specific in order to get him to return my phone calls, like "Remember Columbine??? Those guys were small time compared to what I'm onna do if you don't call me back!!!!"
then he'd call back
I say the same as I always say
90 in 90 (at LEAST one meeting a day, many of us go to more in early sobriety) get a sponsor (who actually answers the phone, calls you back, and meets with you a few times a week to go to a meeting and read out of the book to work the steps) If she is not doing those things, she isn't much help is she? get a support group of other sober people who you can vent with, there are phone lists, they only work however if you pick up the phone and dial one of the numbers on that list every day, every hour if needed then work the steps asap If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:
keep coming back, keep venting, keep ranting and raving, keep picking up the phone, don't leave right before the miracle, I used the HELL out of the phone my first few years, come to think of it, I still do
Talk to your sponsor, if she doesn't have the time to take you through the steps in a timely fashion, thank her for her time and find someone who does have the time, otherwise, seriously getting on that phone saved my bacon
-- Edited by LinBaba on Monday 27th of December 2010 06:22:21 PM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
At some of these we balked. thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Thank you Lin... I am crying hysterically now... I want the easier, softer way and that is not going to work.
I pride myself on not being scared of a lot of things (other than harm to my kids)... but this road toward sobriety scares the $hit out of me the harder I try to navigate my way through it, and I don't know if I have what it takes.
Has my bottom gotten low enough? I pride myself on a 'high' bottom. I didn't have to get into legal trouble to know that I had a 'problem'. My family didn't get on my case about my drinking... My friends thought I was the life of the party and had no issues with me... YAY for me, right? But I just KNEW I was out of control and made an independent decision to take control of my own life thinking that in doing so, everything would just straighten itself out just like 'that'... Yet I have this feeling of doom like I haven't even begun to see my bottom.
Just looked at my big book today as I was 'organizing' my way thru AA (as if that will help right?)... Noticed that my first AA meeting was 8/8/10. It's now 12/27/10. O did 5 wks. in a voluntary outpatient dual diagnosis program (anxiety & depression) and haven't missed a week of meetings since August (except for my vacation - coincidentally, less than 2 weeks ag)... yet, I haven't strung together 2 straight weeks of sobriety even though it is what I want more than anything right now. I'm praying. Not enough, I guess...
I was taught that sometimes it's gotta fall apart before it can come together. That has proven to be very true, even in sobriety. It's not about "praying enough", it's more about being still and receiving the results of Step 11, which is very specific. Praying ONLY for...patience, grasshopper :)
At some of these we balked. thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Thank you Lin... I am crying hysterically now... I want the easier, softer way and that is not going to work.
I pride myself on not being scared of a lot of things (other than harm to my kids)... but this road toward sobriety scares the $hit out of me the harder I try to navigate my way through it, and I don't know if I have what it takes.
Has my bottom gotten low enough? I pride myself on a 'high' bottom. I didn't have to get into legal trouble to know that I had a 'problem'. My family didn't get on my case about my drinking... My friends thought I was the life of the party and had no issues with me... YAY for me, right? But I just KNEW I was out of control and made an independent decision to take control of my own life thinking that in doing so, everything would just straighten itself out just like 'that'... Yet I have this feeling of doom like I haven't even begun to see my bottom.
Just looked at my big book today as I was 'organizing' my way thru AA (as if that will help right?)... Noticed that my first AA meeting was 8/8/10. It's now 12/27/10. O did 5 wks. in a voluntary outpatient dual diagnosis program (anxiety & depression) and haven't missed a week of meetings since August (except for my vacation - coincidentally, less than 2 weeks ag)... yet, I haven't strung together 2 straight weeks of sobriety even though it is what I want more than anything right now. I'm praying. Not enough, I guess...
Oh sweetheart every single one of us that have worked the steps HAD to go through the moment you are going through now, we don't "let go" of our old ideas, they are beaten from our bloody fingers, but the one thing I CAN promise you is every single one of us, upon looking back, finds relief, how to explain, it's like I was a rat backed into a corner holding on to piece of poison cheese that was killing me even while I defended it to the death, the very thing that was killing me because I didn't know anything else, I was held in an invisible cage that I didn't know how to escape from because although I knew it was there I couldn't see the bars nor the door, just could feel the walls pressing down on me from all sides killing me.
There is a solution, it takes action and more action, but once started it's like going downstream in a river and the actions themselves begin carrying us to a better place and it becomes to feel effortless, and soon we are in the sunlight of the spirit and the journey begins
put down the cheese......
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I can relate to all the emotions you have going on right now, frustration, anxiety, anger... but I know from experience in being sober before that it does get better. If we can get through this first few months, the first few Steps with sponsor, things begin to look a whole lot better.
You come here and talk about your feelings and how you feel like drinking sometimes. I need to learn from that because my NOT sharing my urges to drink is what landed me in a relapse and it was very ugly, from start to finish. Thanks for being a great example for me today.
joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
I may get shot, but I think it sounds like you're actually doing a good job!
3-4 months was a hard time for me too. The euphoria of having kicked alcohol had worn off and it just seemed like a daily slog. I would get all emotional for no reason, mood swings, overreacting, etc. From what I understand, it's just part of the brain healing. And my bottom was "high" too. But it DOES GET EASIER the more sober time you accumulate. Your mood levels out, and it's like you don't even recognize yourself. "Who is this cool, collected Zen master living in my body?" You have that to look forward to.
You're thinking through all this, you're sorting through your feelings, starting to understand what's important and what's trivial, expressing it. You're basically doing everything right.
Nothing that's worth learning is easy to learn. EVERY hassle you go through without picking up (or murdering somebody makes you a little smarter and a little more capable.
Keep up the good work!
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
This mirrors how I felt in the first several months of recovery. Hang in there. It will get better. You just stripped your main coping skill away (drinking)...plus you are coming off of hitting rock bottom. It's going to be a roller coaster for a while. Gut it out and you will be amazed. I promise.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 28th of December 2010 10:19:01 AM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I also loved Billyjack's signature and even may have commented on it. Good stuff... 
makes you a little smarter and a little more capable.