Hello all. I am new here. Seriously struggling with the holidays and am afraid I will do something drastic. Last Sunday night I actually called the Suicide Helpline, only to hang up because I was so hysterical and couldn't hold my emotions. I know I'm on the edge. And alcohol is not my friend. I have absoutely no doubt that I'm an alcoholic. I haven't gone without drinking every day for at least 15 years. These days, instead of coffee, I grab a beer. I drink until I pass out, take a nap, and then start drinking again until I pass out again. I then get up in the morning, feeling terrible, and attempt to go to work. I shake. I sweat. And I essentially feel horrible. I've developed extreme anxiety driving. And I've had severe stomach issues, no doubt by all of the alcohol. I assume it's hard on my body when you're 90 lbs. and drinking to excess.
I realize it's Christmas Eve and there may not be too many people out there. But I'm alone. And drunk. And feeling extemely hopeless. I even went out and bought 2 cases of beer in case I feel like doing myself in. Bu I know that's not what I want. I know in my own way I'm trying to reach out. I have no family around, no friends. My only child is gone with her dad. It's just me and the cats.
Here's the thing. I KNOW what's wrong with me. I just can't seem to take the next step to make myself better. I need some tough love. Is anyone up to the task to telling me to quit being such a baby and actually help myself?
I'm Mike and I'm an alcoholic in Boston, MA. I haven't been to this board in a long time, so maybe there's a reason I checked in tonight. Almost 15 years ago I was in much the same shape as you. I couldn't stop drinking and thought it was just the way it had to be.
Somehow, someway I staggered to an AA meeting one night and everything changed. I necver drank again. From a once hopeless alcoholic living on the kindness of relatives, I've been able to put together a pretty productive life. I have a wife, two kids, a great job, am working on my doctorate, and things are really good.
I'm not going to tell you to toughen up., stop being a baby, or too just suck it up and don't drink. If anyone had done that to me I would have run the other way, right back to my Jameson induced stupor.
I am going to suggest that you try to see if there are any AA meetings nearby tonight. If so, go and accept the kindness and advice of those there. We've all been in your shoes or worse. If not tonight, maybe tomorrow when you sober up. It is so worth it.
You are so worth it.
Mike
-- Edited by Mike on Friday 24th of December 2010 05:20:08 PM
-- Edited by Mike on Friday 24th of December 2010 05:20:55 PM
I'm Joni and I'm alcoholic too. I only have 17 days sober right now. 17 days ago I felt just like you, except I was in jail and could not get ahold of whatever I would need to do myself in.
I'm glad I'm alive. In the time I have sobered up I have found each day more and more reasons to live. There is life after alcohol. But you have to ask for help. You HAVE to ask for help.
If you feel as bad as it sounds like, please get to a Detox Unit or Emergency Room in your area. Suicidal thoughts are nothing to mess around with. Call the paramedics or Fire Department. Call anybody who can get you to a place where you can get real help.
Saying a prayer for you.
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
First of all, you do NOT have permission to do anything that might hurt you. None of that. Do like JoniJoni says and go to the ER or someplace safe if you feel like doing anything. There are also AA meetings all over the place, even during Christmas. Just google AA in your city or look in the front of the phone book.
Now, about drinking. There IS a way to quit, lots of people do it. But you have to have a plan. Alcohol seriously messes up your thinking and can make otherwise normal problems seem huge. You have to stop completely, at least for a few days until you get over the withdrawal symptoms. That's the shaking and sweating you describe. Past a certain point, the symptoms are almost impossible to endure without help unless you're Hercules or something. Make an appointment to go see your doctor, he can prescribe meds to get you through withdrawal comfortably. He may want to check you in someplace for a few days. AFTER that, you can start looking at building a way of looking at life that doesn't involve alcohol. AA or outpatient programs can help with this. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Again, lots of people have done it, it's not as hard as you might think once you know what's involved.
Good luck and God bless. Don't be shy, keep checking in.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Fallon, First, and please listen, I want to tell you there is hope, it doesn't have to be this way for you. There IS a better life out there.
I was also in similar circumstances as you just 10 months ago, drinking in the morning before work and at work just to stop the shakes and sweats so I could function. ON weekends I did eactly what you describe, drink 6-8 beers, nap, wake up and start again. And emotionally destroyed.
I agree with Joni, please get to an emergeny room in your area. That was what I did when I hit my low. Detox takes about three-four days. Medications help with the worst of the symptoms. You then will have options for long term treatment, but get the physical addiction taken care of now.
And if you think you can't be away for 3-4 days, think of the other alternatives. Your only child needs you. If you can't do it for yorself now, do it for them now. Doing it for yourself will come.
But please, please, please get help right now. I made it out and you can too. I am here all night tonight, if you need to private message me feel free, I will respond.
Thank you for your responses. Maybe weird, but they they are so helpful to me. Makes me feel a bit less alone. See, it's Christmas. My phone won't ring and my doorbell won't ring. It's just me and I have to find a way to make it by myself. I understand what you're saying about an ER or detox, but I can't afford it. Plus, I went to an ER in July for this problem and they turned me away. They gave me information about a very expensive program and said good bye. I have also told my Dr. about my problem and he suggested expensive rehab programs. I simply CANNOT afford it. So, please don't suggest anything that will cost a bunch. I'm barely hanging on here.
I think my biggest fear is stopping. What's going to happen? I start drinking in the morning to stop the shaking and sweating. Then the cycle starts all over again.
I drive by a church every day that I know has an AA meeting on Mondays. I always want to stop on Mondays, but I never do.
What can I do? I've cried almost all day thinking about people with families celebrating and here I sit by myself. I can think of a million productive things I can do without alcohol but just can't get there. No one seems to care if I get there or not. I feel dispensable. If you want proof, just think about tomorrow. It's Christmas and no one will even remember me.
I'm sorry, I realize I'm feeling sorry for myself. But I feel that I have tried. I tried my Doctor. Strike. I've tried the ER. Strike. No one seems to think I'm worth it and I tend to agree at this point. You guys are my third strike.
Okay, why not give an AA meeting a try tonight. As ZZ said they are all over the place even on holidays. You'll find a fellowship there, they are people with our problem and they understand. Go and speak up, tell them why you are there. Or, just listen. It will help. It can't hurt, right, and it's free.
Wow Fallon, powerful stuff. Thank you for your honesty. You've helped me stay sober one more night. I remember the despair that came with my last month of drinking, and wanting to die more than anything else. As you can tell, I didn't die. Thank God for unanswered prayers. Please know that although you have no one with you, you are not alone. There are people all around the world that honestly care about you...I am one of them. Each night you (and many others) are in my prayers, as I ask God to be with the alcoholics who are still suffering. I may not know names, but it's still a sincere prayer from my heart.
Although you may not realize it, you have been given a great gift this Christmas...the gift of desperation. I didn't get sober until I was desperate enough to do anything suggested to me. Our literature (the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous) talks about being at a jumping off point. A point where we are afraid to drink, but can't imagine life without it. I remember that well, and hope I never forget it. It's been my experience that someone who has really hit that bottom is in a very good place to "start from scratch". All you need to do is simply give up. Surrender to the fact that you are powerless over alcohol, and that your life is unmanageable. That's our step one, and can open a door for you leading to a life of happiness, joy, and freedom.
Please call someone...anyone who can help you realize that you are not alone. There are AA hotlines out there manned 24/7 just for this reason. They want to and will help, but you have to pick up the phone and make the call. AA was the answer for me and millions of others, and it can help you too. We are a fellowship of men and women with one purpose and one purpose only...to help other alcoholics get and stay sober. We are here for you!
Brian
-- Edited by Klaatu on Friday 24th of December 2010 07:08:45 PM
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Nothing ever truly dies. The universe wastes nothing. Everything is simply, transformed. :confuse:
Aloha Fallon...the truth is that you are not alone. You have gathered a bunch of strangers who have worn your shoes on your computer and talked and listened to feedback and suggestion which have worked for them and will work for you when you do your part. Like you I called the suicide prevention center and the help in emotional trouble hotline and found no one available for me. What was available for me was another recovering person on the other side of the hotline who knew very exactly where I was at and what was wrong and directed me to the doors of recovery. That is available for you now...there are no buts to justify not being were we are at because if you want you can also call your local AA hotline and ask if someone or others will come over to talk with you.
This is Christmas eve and for the conditions and reasons you have mentioned we know that we are to be together during the holidays...especially if we are alone. There will be lots of Alkathons going on from 6PM to 6AM or later on Christmas Eve and Day. There will be food and meetings and friendship and shared recovery.
Go to your local telephone book and call the AA hotline and ask for help.
I'll check back later to see how you're doing...I'd take you to a meeting myself but long swims usually tire the hell out of me.
Fallon, I am spending tomorrow mostly alone. I am separated for the first time this year, and I will be missing my ex husband and step sons tomorrow. I choose not to attend a family gathering that would not be good for me.
What I am going to do instead of feeling sorry for myself, (which I am very good at), is get to an AA meeting in the morning. Then I am going to do a Skype video call with a friend in AA who is also spending Christmas primarily solo. AA I am SURE would welcome you and would consider your presence on Christmas day a real gift. People in AA want to give the gifts of friendship and recovery, just like it was given to them.
We can get though this, each of us who has sadness this year. I was pretty sick sitting in jail a few weeks ago but I got through it. You can get through this too, if you hang in there and get some help.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
As far as affording treatment , there are more and less expensive options. Google alcoholism treatment for your city. Some centers work on a sliding scale for payment. ANY health care provide will work out payment plans. You can worry about that later.
Detoxing at home is also a possibility. Not ideal, but people do it. Just make sure your doctor knows what you're doing, and take a few days off work for "the flu".
Also, THOUSANDS of people get sober using AA for free. If you want to try that, detox at home and go to an AA meeting at least once a day for several weeks. Heck, go to several per DAY while you're detoxing. They are that common. It will give you something to do besides drink, and you'll be learning stuff all the time. If you identify yourself as a newcomer, you'll get tons of phone numbers.
Regarding the loneliness thing: keep it in perspective. Hersheys and Hallmark would like us to think the "normal" thing is a bunch of extended family around a big tree with a huge turkey. But that's not as common as you think. And what's more, it's irrelevant how many people say they love you or don't love you, because GOD loves you. That's the important thing and it's the only thing that matters.
Another thing. All these problems that seem so derpressing and serious will get MUCH EASIER if you quit drinking. You'll get an entirely new perspective on things, I gurantee it. It's almost like magic.
-- Edited by zzworldontheweb on Friday 24th of December 2010 07:15:36 PM
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Hello, Something about being "Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired " then you are ready to do something about it, is what was told to me right off the bat. Pissed me off , Like How could I get more desperate? What ???? My Respect, Wayne
You brought back some powerful memories of where you are at, I used to call it being in the "grip" of the disease, trapped, parallized from doing anything, but securing "enough for 24 hours, starting when I would wake up til I passed out, then repeating the same thing", just like you I feared that my end was in sight, one morning I was crawling around looking for some glass that was left over after I kicked in a window and had it repaired, and I was sure there was some left out there, so there I am crawling around on my knees in a pretty dirty old bathrobe, (my thinking was if I tried to end my life with pills, did that once and ended up in hospital)so thought cutting some main arteries would have to work, I was alone, no for miles could see me, and my relief to my wrechted life would come to an end....
Well for this very sick alcoholic I could not find any glass and in complete desperation, looked up at a very grey Seattle sky and uttered the words, "God, PLEASE SHOW me another way"....Fallon, it was my own Miracle moment, I begin going to AA meetings. I had been a chronic relapser in the AA Program for over 7 years, and the disease always got the better of me, and I was drunk and off and running.
But this time, with the despiration I felt, and a deep inner hunger for live. everything change, the compulsion for more alcohol was completely lifted, and that was over 20 years ago, and never really have had a bad compulsion ever in these 20 + years.
To this day I believe our Sobriety is based on our Relationship with our Higher Power, this is a WE Program, so everyone that has posted is and always will be your friend....so you cannot say you dont have friends, YOU DO!!!
In Private Message, I am sending my personal contacts, if you want. write, call, anytime.
Sometimes the darkest, deepest bottoms are the ones that turn into the most beautiful flowers, just like the bulbs we put in before it snows.....ok wont get corney on you
I am saying a Prayer that you will take an action, any action other than drinking.......they have so many all day AA places, do you life where there is an Alano Club, go to one, you are welcome to stay all day, and you dont have to walk in sober, just with the desire to quit drinking.
Please, more that anything stay on board and let us all know how you are getting thru this day....
During the holidays many have Alkathons( Clubhouses and towns with big meeting places) that are open for food, fellowship and a way to get away from family--especially if they do a lot of drinking.
There will be people there you can talk to.
Usually there are meetings going on, card playing, music, TV, some have Game Tables(not gambling), Bands.
Hey Fallon, quit being a baby and do something to help yourself!!!!!!
If your drinking there aint too much anyone can tell you if your anything like me. i hope you make it through the night. although, you might be by yourself, your not alone if you dont want to be. Im sure some of us will be right here If you want us to and you mean business. I think klaatu is right. God might be giving you the gift of desperation. you dont want to off your self otherwise you wouldnt have reached out. BUT I KNOW YOU JUST WANT IT TO STOP. And it can. you never have to do what your doing tonight ever again if you dont want to. But thats up to you. NO ONE CAN DO IT FOR YOU. I HOPE YOU MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT. I can be here if you need.
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Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
To find your local AA hotline just Google "AA hotline [your city]". Call it and tell the person you need to get to a meeting, where can you find one? They will help you, that's exactly why they are there. The person who answers will be another alcoholic so they will probably offer you some support too.
Like others said, most areas have "Alkathons" over Christmas and NYE where meetings are held every two hours all day, so it should be easy to find one.
It's the best Christmas gift you will ever give yourself.
Like others have said, Fallon, you're not alone. You came on here to ask strangers for help -- that takes courage. If you follow the advice on here, you're gonna be OK. We have ALL been where you, that's why we're here today.
Keep coming back -- we're here and AA is there where you live.
Fallon You are definitely not alone You need to seek help. I have a huge scare on my left wrist from a very drunk depressed night that i cut my self with a dirty piece of glass laying in the alley. Did i want to die that night no i didn't It was 2 years ago and it not rock bottom yet I continued to drink. In my drunk stuper I cut alot deeper than i thought but i also knew how to stop the bleeding and stuck my thumb literally in th cut and walked about 10 blocks home. Then tied a sock around it as tight as i could passed out and went to the doctor the next day and made up a huge lie. Cause i didnt want to be put in a phych ward. You are reaching out and you have come to the right place. There are plenty of AA meetings and people just like you. I am only 20 days sober but I am feeling better everyday and more control. You have admitted that you have a problem that is the first step I will keep you in my prayers
Thank all of you for your replies. It was an extremely rough weekend, which ended with me calling the suicide hotline once again. I was told to go to the ER. Also called some rehab centers and they said they couldn't help until Monday. I contemplated calling an ambulence but was too scared. See, I went to an ER in July and begged for help. Of course, I was drunk. By the time they processed me, dumped me in the psych ward and someone actually came to see me, I had sobered up. I'm an excellent liar though. Told her that I had come in with abdominal pain and back pain and they misunderstood. They let me go. God, I wished I could have found the courage to find the truth. They did give me a lot of literature on their outpatient program but when I saw the cost I knew there was no way I could afford it. So I gave up and continued to drink. But I'm getting to the point that I think my body is about to give out. My physical being and my emotional being just can't take it anymore.
I did sink to a new low on Monday morning. I actually drank 3 beers before I went to work. I felt so sick, not sure I was actually hung over, I think I was still drunk. It made me feel so much better. That is, until people started talking to me and the guilt hit me. What if they figured out I had been drinking? Plus, I felt funky. I had packed 4 more beers in a cooler that I intended to drink throughout the day. I left the cooler in the car. I went to the car around 10am to drink another one. But I didn't. I just couldn't do it. I felt like pond scum. Who can't get through a workday without drinking? So they stayed in the cooler the rest of the day.
So, while I'm continuing to drink, the thought of going to AA is on my mind every moment. I just have to find the courage to do it.
And, while I realize this is already long, maybe I can explain why I've been so afraid to call. I have never been very well liked. Not as a child and not as an adult. People have always tended to think of me as some sort of strong, confident person. That's because I know how to hide my emotions very well. People also tend to think of me as standoffish. It's really my guilt and lack of self-confidence, but people don't tend to want to spend any time actually getting to know me to realize it. Then again, I don't press too hard. I just figure I'm pretty unlikeable and leave people alone. I think part of me fears I'm going to be treated this way in AA too. And if that happens, I'll feel even more desperate. Plus, I don't think I can admit to anyone, especially myself, that something (alcohol) has gotten the best of me.
Anyway, thank you all for your input. It's strange but they are extremely comforting to me.
So, after reading all the replies here, do you still really think your going to be treated the same? Sounds like your ego talking to me. I promise you you're not as unique as you think you are.
Brian
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Nothing ever truly dies. The universe wastes nothing. Everything is simply, transformed. :confuse:
You already admitted alcohol has gotten the best of you. There is no shame in asking for help. There is shame in being secretive and hiding a problem. Do I sound all depressed and ashamed that I am in AA? Hell no. I am proud of my recovery. It is the first really right thing I ever did in my life. It can be the same for you.
You listed all these reasons why you shouldn't go to AA and why you should suffer and be alone and miserable. You have a choice. Self-Pity is your enemy just as much as alcohol. What you don't know is that when you admit thoroughly to yourself, other recovering alcoholics and to God that Alcohol has thoroughly kicked your ass and you need help, that is when the door to your prison suddenly springs open just a little bit.
Go and find help from people who have all been where you are. Trust me, we have ALL been there (I called the help line drunk too, clutching pills, threatening to kill myself multiple times, not wanting to admit that I was a stumbling drunk who couldn't stop). AA gave me hope when there was none elsewhere. The people loved me when I couldn't love myself. I just had to keep coming back and do what they said and it all got better slowly in time.
This can happen for you if you let it. Or you could stay in that prison of despair you are currently in....
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 28th of December 2010 10:24:42 PM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
An update. Spent much of the day yesterday at the hospital. I had called a treatment center and they couldn't help me. Apparently they called the police who then showed up at my house. Police took me to the hospital, in handcuffs. Seriously?? I have NEVER been in handcuffs. I am now the embarrasment of the neighbhorhood. No one had any beds open so here I am at home again. What the hell am I going to do?: No one seems to want to help.
Fallon, your experience is not much different than better than half of our members (probably more). I certainly thought about ending it several times. Alcoholism is a mental illness. Instead of calling the suicide hotline, why don't you call your local AA intergroup number? It's staffed with recovering AAs that can answer your question, suggest meetings, and may have someone take you to your first meeting, if you ask. Sooner or later you'll attend a meeting, either on your own, as aftercare from rehab, or mandated by a judge. This disease is progressive and gets worse. It also kills people. Going to meetings is the easier softer way, and it a lot less embarrassing then going out your front door in handcuffs (many of us have done that too).
An update. Spent much of the day yesterday at the hospital. I had called a treatment center and they couldn't help me. Apparently they called the police who then showed up at my house. Police took me to the hospital, in handcuffs. Seriously?? I have NEVER been in handcuffs. I am now the embarrasment of the neighbhorhood. No one had any beds open so here I am at home again. What the hell am I going to do?: No one seems to want to help.
You'd be surprised at how many people there are who not only want to help but will help you if you ask
at a meeting
if you can find this website, you can find a meeting today near you, usually there are 7AM meetings, noon meetings, 6PM meetings, 8PM meetings
Pride and Fear can kill you as dead as your alcoholism, it's up to you if you let it or not
Like Dean said, I'd say many if not most of us have felt the bracelets at one point or another, and remember, quite frankly with alcoholism it can always get worse, and does
-- Edited by LinBaba on Monday 3rd of January 2011 09:40:03 AM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Like Dean said, I'd say many if not most of us have felt the bracelets at one point or another, and remember, quite frankly with alcoholism it can always get worse, and does.
It only took me 5 seconds to remember 9 occasions that I was wearing "the bracelets" and ALL were alcohol related. Thanksfully only 2 of those incidents occured after my 18th birthday (2 DUIs). I refused the breath test both times and avoided conviction, but still...
Well, I did it folks. I'm just returning home from a 4 day detox at the hospital. I can tell you that I'm relieved to be sober. I will enter a 2 week day program tomorrow. I can tell you that the 4 days in the hospital were absolute torture. I was so happy when the doctor agreed to discharge me this morning. But then I returned home and the terror struck. What happens if I'm not strong enough to stay away from the booze?? So far, so good. I keep reminding myself that I am not about to jeapordize the work I did the past 4 days just for a drink. So, I'm staying busy and trying to keep my mind occupied.
I will say that I'm still trying to adjust to the medications. I was officially diagnosed with severe depression, alcohol abuse and anxiety. I am extremely sensitive to medications and the doctor is being very careful with them. But I still feel odd. But maybe that's just because I'm sober and I haven't quite gotten used to that feeling?
I will couple my treatment with AA. I'm just looking for as much support as possible. I want to thank you all for your kind and wise words. I think they were just enough to get me to find treatment.
Great news! Hey, a little bit of an admin thing. The topics tend to migrate down to the bottom of the board as they get older, so if you are adding to your topic after several days out of touch, it might get missed. Don't want you to feel neglected! Feel free to start a new topic with a similar name if you come back after a break of several days.
GOOD LUCK>
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
