I guess I am ready to explain to my caring friends here what the hell happened to me for a few months.
Apparently I was on a long mania, though no one including myself saw it for what it was at the time. But I was working, going to school online, going to meetings, starting to play in a band, painting, dating, staying up all hours of the night for days on end cleaning and "doing" something, anything... buying anything and everything online and screwing up my finances. I quit one job and bounced into another which was too much for me to handle. So I quit that one too in a matter of weeks. I was going 90 mph and ended up choosing to see a band at a bar. I did not drink. Then I saw another band at a bar and did not drink. Then a saw a band at a bar again and drank.
And then the cycle started all over again. The running off from home, the drugs, and the eventual landing myself in jail on some misdemeanors. I somehow believed I was immune to legal problems as I had not had any in about 10 years. "Yah, I know how to work the system." NOTTTT
I was suicidal in jail, not because I was in jail, but because some crazy stuff happened while I was out there, and also a 2 month "using-romance" I had ended with the other person now sitting in jail with 3 felonies. Keep in mind please that through these 2 months, not only was my mind sick from being heavily in addiction and alcoholism, but I had untreated mental illness at work as well.
The jail's psychiatric nurse contacted my doctor and prepared to put me on medication. But I was let out of jail, went to my doctor, went back on medication, went to court, and was offered a year of probation. The usual requirements of drug tests, AA meetings and classes are in place, with the addition of requirements that I stay on medication and continue working with my psychiatrist.
So here I am, again. Humbled, and humiliated as well. Groggy, lonely, tired. Angry at myself. Baffled not at alcoholism this time, because I have known its power for awhile, but baffled now at how my other illness accelerated exponentially while I refused to fully treat it. I had made a deal with my doctor that I "refused to take any more than one medication per day." That did not work. He followed my wishes as patient, and I found out the hard way that I don't make the decisions anymore. I am on a handful of meds twice a day, and instead of making deals with God and doctor, I swallow them, get a little dizzy, and move on.
I reintroduced myself at my meetings. I am attending almost every night. I am jobless. Out of school for now. But I still have a place to lay my head by the grace of God, still have the beloved dog that my aunt graciously took care of while I was off and running, and I still have my life. I have 24 hours to do the right thing and I intend to do so.
__________________
~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
That's a rough story, especially this time of year. It could've been a whole lot worse. Grateful that you are back in one piece. Try not to leave us again, I was pretty worried when a dozen people (presumably in your town) started leaving "were are you " messages on your facebook account for months.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 22nd of December 2010 01:21:33 PM
Welcome back Joni...glad you made it. As I was reading this I was reminded that I know I still have one more drunk in me, but very likely not one more white chip. Thank you for reminding me that it's still bad out there. Thanks for reminding me that it only gets worse.
So now I have to ask... have you found your bottom yet? I know you've had a few, and it seems like every time your off and running again you hit a little lower bottom. Remember that you can raise the bottom to meet you where your at right now. How many more white chips do you think you have left? I hear time and time again that we aren't through until were through. When my pain level became worse than I could bear, even for 1 more day, I knew what I had to do. I either had to die, or had to get sober. My disease chose death, but luckily I was unsuccessful at that. That was where my bottom was. Imagine how happy I was when I realized that the fellowship of alcoholics anonymous was waiting right down there for me.
Please don't beat yourself up for doing what alcoholics do. You drank...so what. You got into some trouble, but your not dead. Most importantly, you made it back to the loving arms of the fellowship, and I glad you did. I'm told that shame is not a God given emotion. I feel shame when I don't live up to my own expectations of myself. I have to ask myself "who's expectations really matter, mine or Gods?". The God of my understanding only expects me to let him have control, which I gladly do today. I will never meet the expectations of myself. My sponsor tells me expectations are the start of a resentment. The days of resenting myself are long gone, and I don't want them back. Be proud of yourself that you had the courage and humility to come back and be honest...not sure I could have if I were in your place. Give thanks that you have a HP who's got your back through all the good and bad, and trust that no matter what He (or She) will take anything you give up.
Your in my prayers Joni. Keep putting one step in front of the other, and remember...if you can make it through the next 5 minutes, you can make it through the rest of your life!
Brian
__________________
Nothing ever truly dies. The universe wastes nothing. Everything is simply, transformed. :confuse:
Joni, I'm sooooooo glad you made it back. I was worried about you. Your a valued member here and in society/life. Don't forget that. Prayers sent your way. Please keep us posted on you progress. Your friend, Mike.
Sis you know how I feel and I'm glad you're home for today. I read your story and it makes me anxious, humble and willing to keep on keeping on. Thanks for the support. ((((hugs))))
Welcome back. Whenever you feel up to it, I think many of us shorter-timers would be interested in hearing more analysis of what you think led up to relapsing. Was it mostly going to the bar, or more the incompletely treated parallel diagnoses, a combination, etc. You're articulate and your ESH is SOOO critical. Worth its weight in gold. As are you! Glad to have you back.
-- Edited by zzworldontheweb on Wednesday 22nd of December 2010 07:51:32 PM
__________________
Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Hey JJ, Thanks for the honest share. Slow and steady. If you (via your HP) fix the alcohol, you can then fix the mental issues you alluded to and work on a simple life at the same time. Its funny that you mention the music and the bands. Its easy to fall into that "trigger filled environment" because the culture is an easy fall. How to stay out of it next time? Make your own music at home. The same thing happened to me on a smaller scale (meaning I was lucky to have my HP catch up with me sooner) and the music/rock/attitude really was what drew me in. Prayers to you. Please keep checking back. Tom
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
hello everyone, im an alcoholic and my problem is bill,
I just joined this deal here this morning, although i been visiting for a week or two. ( im not good at joining ) alcohol used to work good for that, helping me join that is. all by my self, i dont have the ability to intergrate myself into my own life, as a result, my life is full of storys of well intentioned things turning out in disaster. But thanks to a loving GOD and AA i can be a part of now and in my right mind.
Back in 2000, I was sober about a year, and going to some marrige counsiling. the counseler was a woman who said she was sober 12 years. I met her a few months earlyer, she ran the court ordered domesic violence program i had to attend. (I was a total mess) Any way, after two or three meetings with her, she told me and my wife at the time, she thought i was bipolar. she said that i should go to mental health cause i was having a episode and it could be dangerous. they diagnosed me as bipolar, put me on meds, and sent me on my way. I secretly thought this is what has been wrong with me all along, maybe i'm not really alcoholic. I didnt stop going to meetings cause they alredy had become a habit. after about a month on the meds, i went back to mental health and saw another dr for a check up. This dr. having talked to me for only 20 min, said that i wasnt bipolar but infact had ADD. he canged my meds and sent me on my way. I was on those meds for a few months and still kinda messed up, but a little less high strung. by this time I was not living with my wife and kids anymore, things got way too out of control. The meds just masked some things, nothing was really changing. I had moved to a sober room in vegas and found a new group and kept going to meetings. The meds really were doing a number on me, although my thoughts were not racing any more, I did not like the phyical effects. To make a long story short, an old timer pointed out to me in ch 5 of the Big Book where it says "many of us had grave emotionel and mental disorders, but did recover IF they had the capasity to be honest" I started going to speaker meeting where i statred to hear men and woman with long time talk about the nut houses, shock treatments, and meds, and came to see that untreated alcoholism can have the same symtoms as many so called " mental illnesses" any way MY STORY is I got off the meds and threw my self into learning all i could about the "spiritual illness" of alcoholism, and doing the actions required to have a spiritual awakening, and keeping that around. I have not had to go back on any meds and through the spiritual program of alcoholics anonymous and a lot of work i really didnt want to do, I am mostly ok today. When I spiral out of control, or think I'm something I'm not its because I moved away from GOD by slacking on my spiritual program of recovery... thats ME.. not telling you or anyone else to jump off the meds. I;m not a DR. although I have slept at a Holiday INN express ha ha. what i;m saying is that maybe it wouldnt hurt to invesigate it.. but regardless of what any of us do, recovery is not possible with out honesty to self.
Hope everone has a sober and blessed day
__________________
Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
I have investigated working AA's program and attending meetings without medication, and I just happen to be one of those whose Higher Power would have me on medication and seeing a doctor regularly as part of my health, safety an wellbeing. But I have met folks like you as well, who needed something different. That's the beauty of AA, it allows us to go and get what we need both within and outside of AA.
Welcome, and please post an introduction thread on the main page so we can all welcome you and get to know you!
joni
__________________
~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Welcome Billy. Yeah, please start your own post introducing yourself and sharing with us your ESH. It's nice to see new members joining our little cyber family!
Brian
__________________
Nothing ever truly dies. The universe wastes nothing. Everything is simply, transformed. :confuse:
