After drinking WAY too much over the weekend (drank a lot on Saturday, and then drank my way through Sunday), I have horrible feelings of shame and guilt.  I have never been to an AA meeting, although I was in another program (based on the 12 steps, so I am familiar somewhat with the Big Book, etc) a few years back.  I had stopped drinking at that time and was working on myself and my relationship, which was good.  I had made some really positive progress in my life, and was making friendships, etc.  I am an introvert and pretty shy around strangers (very awkward), so this was all pretty good for me.  Because I was able to just stop drinking at the time for well over a year without it being a big deal, I assumed that I was just a heavy drinker at times and not an alcoholic.  When I make up my mind to stop drinking, it's usually after some embarrassing weekend, or a rock-bottom event for me, and then I stop for a while.  Months.  It was really easy to give up drinking while pregnant, too.  I kept telling myself I can control it.  I had the drunk weekend, however, and now I am disgusted with myself. 

I have two small children, and I drink to excess, normally when they go to bed at night.  I think I have finally identified that even though when I am not drinking, I have issues of picking up right where I left off (heavy drinking), even if it's years later.  It would seem that one drink won't satisfy me.  One is never enough for me - and then I start to feel good, and BAM...I'm drunk.

I think I keep telling myself that I'm not REALLY an alcoholic...that I just get drunk sometimes.  It's not every night.  But this morning...with the withdrawal symptoms and the "anxiety attacks" I get in the middle of the night (directly related to drinking - I awake in a panicked state)...feeling all quivery this morning....feeling nauseous.  I wasted my whole weekend.  I feel terrible.

I am looking over what I am writing, and it's dawning on me that this is not what "normal" people do.  Sorry...it's not.  My parents, although they like to drink from time to time, do not do this.  Alcoholism also runs in the family, though.  My father's father was a raging alcoholic, as was my mother's mother.  How it skipped my parents, I don't know...but I think I inherited the disease.  I am slowly thinking about all the times I blacked out.  I even got arrested once 9 years ago (public intoxication - totally stupid and horribly humiliating).  My husband and I sometimes fight terribly.  Things have gotten broken.  I can't remember some nights/weekends, or what I said or did.

I don't go out drinking.  I rarely drink in a restaurant.  But I drink a lot at home.  A lot, usually on weekends.  It's rare that I drink every day, but when I do, it's usually binge drinking.  My life and career is unmanageable.  I can't even hardly do housework.  It's ridiculous.  And then I do it again.  I'm scared to death that I am destroying my liver.  What if I die?  What about my kids?  Why do I drink like this?

My only answer is that I must be an alcoholic.  There's no other way of looking at it.  I don't like to consider it, but...it is what it is. At the very least, it's a BIG drinking problem.

My problem is also that I probably need to start attending meetings, but don't have anyone to watch the kids.  I do not have many friends (none that I would call close), and I am fairly isolated.  I cannot do this anymore, though.  I can't handle the panic attacks, the guilt, the shame, the sick feelings.  I don't want to be a bad mom, or a mom that's sick the next morning from being so stupid with drinking too much the night before!  I don't want anymore scraped knees or unexplained bruising (from tripping or stumbling on something).  This is ridiculous!

Sorry to ramble.  Thanks for listening.  I hate myself right now, and need this cycle to STOP before something really bad happens.