"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday." This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every ot her team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's girlfriend in the shower. and
ANNOUNCEMENT - International Threat LevelsFrom the BBC - as read by John Cleese
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The Barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
of course both jokes rely on racial stereotyping. scousers are all scallywags, the English are reserved, the Scots are fighters, the Aussies are laid back, the Irish drink and the Welsh form choirs and sing.
The Americans are they all either rednecks or miami vice or sex and the city? Me - I sort of like the sanitised rednecks we see on stuff like True Blood and Robson Green's extreme Fishing or my favourite, Wife Swap USA.
My mate was in Gulf 1 - he said the americans had the best tools and toys in limitless supply, but also brought Ben and Jerry's, Taco Bell and MacD with them. we had the NAFFI. (ask yer dad) Their base camps were lit up like a major city, with hot showers and flush toilets and everything. We had earth closets and a bucket of water with holes in the bottom. I notice that our troops are now getting Pizza Hut at in country bases. What's wrong with corned beef and tea i say?
Getting a bit professional yorkshireman here though - I remember that we had to get up 2 hours before we went to bed, walk 75 miles in us bare feet int' snow to work a 25 hour day and pay t'gaffer for't privelidge.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
The Irish levels would be "Top o' the marnin!", "Better have another" and "Say that aboot me moother, will ye?!"?
The Irish-American "May the road rise to meet you, and may a cruise missle be always at your back....door" Well with Irish Americans wouldn't the first level be "Here's the first o' the day fellas..to old DH Lawrence.....ni ni ni fa fa fa INDIANS!!!"
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
