It was 5 yrs ago I met this guy his name is kevin and we started dating all was good for awhile he moved in with me. But then he got on the internet a meth abuse board he was a recovering meth addicted. He started getting distant from me it seemed like the people on line were more important. Then he started having fishing trips sick family all sorts of things where he had to leave for awhile. This went on for 7 months til i found out that he had met a girl on these boards she was from Texas. He would talk to her on th computer with me in the next room. All the times he had to leave he was meeting her. I wander how they afforded it and it turned out that she was embezzeling money from the place she worked. It all blew up and it was supposed to be over. But it wasn't he lied again about 3 or 4 more times when he said he wasn't talking to her. The 2nd time i found out he actually moved to texas but that only lasted 10 days and he txt me and said i had to be sure they wouldn't work before he put it behind him. He came back. and continued comunicating with her behind my back. He had a charge of aggravated DUI with a fatality pending against him. After it was all said and done he went to prison for almost 3 yrs. I wasn't exactly there the whole time although i was the only one that visited him and excepted calls I think that girl from texas took a few calls. Anyway he swore he was sorry and he loved me and wanted it to work. He gets out and we try and it only last 2 months. He says I just don't want a relationship with anyone. But he wants to be friends. So tonight I am supposed to be introduced to a guy and I posted about it on facebook. And he sees it and gives me all kinds of grief about it. Got me crying and upset. He says I want you to date but I don't want to know about it. And he was supposed to help me with weekend babysitting and he says i won't leave you stranded but I need to find me a new baysitter. Afterwards I wanted a drink but i called a friend and we talked. I just do not understand what he is trying to do to me.
It is suggested that we stay out of relationships for our first year of sobriety in order to better focus on ourselves
Congratulations on day 4 BTW
When we are new we all have "long stories", in step 2 we come to believe a power greater then ourselves could restore us to sanity, it's explained that this power is an unsuspected inner resource that in the final analysis we always find within, we access this resource by working the steps so:
My sponsor would say "great....work the steps"
but but but I have PROBlems!!!
"great....work the steps"
But but but finance and romance and drama and trainwrecks and I love him/her/it and blah blah blah
"great...work the steps"
Other newcomers and others in their first few years gave me lots of specific advice, most of which was wrong, and most of which addressed the specific symptoms of my insanity, such as my relationships, rather then explaining to me my basic operating system was insanity based, but I stayed sober, and personally I learn by making mistakes, but there is a reason the crusty old timers would listen for about 30 seconds and then interupt me with "call me after you go to a meeting and help another alcoholic" and then hang up, as time went on and my mind cleared and I learned new tools, my conversations with old timers got longer and longer, until after about a year they began actually listening to me, because I had changed by working the steps, I had experienced a personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism by working the 12 steps and taking others through those steps
and I would, and that would get me through another 24 hours, that worked until I got through the steps the first time, took me about 6 months with sanity slowly returning more with each step
I will say the exact same thing to you I just said in another thread, because "the problem" is the exact same, The problem centers in our mind, and "the solution" to that is "changing our mind" ...literally remapping it
This is why we say drinking is but a symptom, when I hadn't had a drink in two days my life was a trainwreck, I was fighting with everyone around me, I was lost in a veritable sea of confusion and self pity, and I had 2 moods, homicide and suicide, oh, and Disney Movies and commercials made me cry like a baby
I was told when I came in "Don't worry about getting in touch with your emotions, they will be getting in touch with you"
The difference between Group Therapy and The Program of Alcoholics Anonymous is Group Therapy will address each of your "issues" on a case by case basis, they will try to treat "the symptoms", whereas The Program will give you a new set of tools to deal with these "issues", The Program treats the underlying problem, which is our inability to live life on Life's terms
This is why we so strongly suggest the steps
This is why we stress going to meetings every day, getting a sponsor, and a support group (of phone numbers) and we call these people every day, other people also early in sobriety, -this- is where we get the Group Therapy we so desperately need in early sobriety, I would spend hours upon hours talking about the how mean and unfair everyone was around me, our spouses, children, co-workers, bosses, random strangers on the freeway with these people, I wouldn't have been able to remain sober without this support and outlet that takes place -outside- the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous
Furthermore, Alcoholism is centered in the mind, one of the "tactics" alcoholism uses is to make us so uncomfortable, put us in so much pain that we HAVE to drink just so we don't go insane, I mean literally, Doctors will give alcoholics without a program and support group drink or pills to keep them from losing their marbles, or medicate them in other ways, Xanax etc
Some examples, each step has conditions, "promises", and a prayer, if you do this like this, you get this, here are some of the third and tenth step promises
Step 3:
When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less a nd less interested in ourselves, our own little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.
How does peace of mind sound about now? Attractive? How about freedom from fear? How about discovering we could face life successfully and serenely?
Step 10
we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
How does not fighting with everyone around you sound? How about sanity returning? Attractive?
In the beginning of the book it describes our emotional lives drinking or not unless we actively work a program, they are called the Bedevilments, they describe what is happening with you with frightening accuracy, could you have summed up your entire post in these few sentences?
We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people
31 pages later in the book there is what is known as the ninth step promises
look at this:
THE BEDEVILMENTS (page 52)
THE PROMISES (page 83)
We were having trouble with personal relationships.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away.
We couldn't control our emotional natures.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we know peace.
We were a prey to misery and depression.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
We couldn't make a living.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We had a feeling of uselessness.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We were full of fear.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We were unhappy.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We couldn't seem to be of real help to other people.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how your experience can benefit others. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
And, most of all,
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
So sorry to sound like a broken record, but
Go to 90 in 90 Get a sponsor Get phone numbers and use them Work the steps
and your life will change beyond recognition
-- Edited by LinBaba on Wednesday 8th of December 2010 03:08:39 PM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Bill ,recovered alcoholic. This is my experience .when I got here I was incapable of a relationship with a woman. For a whole list of reasons first I was incapable of honesty. A few examples because I did not get a copy of the marriage license after the wedding.you guess it my mind told me I was not really married. And because I did not get her or noone else pregnant I could not be a father . second reason when I got here I really was not like you people who know a little different. My selfishnes and self centeredness. Was all I had going for my.I met a woman who I knew from the old days. We had history. I did not get a sponsor until I made everymajor decision based on self { how I was feeling} when I made the decision .six months later we are envolved I move in.one pair of pants at a time.we have unprotected sex .fast forward oh say 17 years a get a call from my oldest son. Who wanted me to get custody.I got to explain to him. How I lied to his momabout every thing and take full responability for my actions.at least twenty people affected by my decison to get envolved that first year. Me nor the momhad to pick up a drink thank God. Do what you want I did ! I was not cabable of getting envolved like that . Thew only decision I made was working the steps. Getting a sponsor who worked me thru the steps and show me a better way of life. $ 55 grand in child support later .having my son respect me priceless.
That makes sense but I just don't get it this guy has a phone on my contract and I offered for him to take over the contract and not have to deal with paying me for the phone but he won't he wants me to keep the contract and him keep paying me is that his way of holding on to me?
Someone will be along shortly to tell you to terminate his phone contract in your name so he has no "power" of manipulation over you, so I won't have to in all likelihood
Tell us about YOU
Have you got a sponsor? A Home Group? What step are you on? Have you gotten phone numbers? Do you use them?
These are what is important right now, in order to get and stay sober it needs to be our over-riding #1 priority, for without sobriety we won't have healthy relationships or happy lives
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
If it wouldn't cost me 175 to terminate the contract plus having to pay the rest of the price on the phone which its a droid so about another 150 I would have already terminated
I too have a long story that I used as an excuse to drink as much as I wanted for a couple of years. My mantra now is, "everybody's got problems."
I hear myself reciting a litany of all the things stressing me out at the moment and I remember, "Everybody's got problems." Then I go to a meeting to see all the people who are dealing with much more serious problems than mine and they're doing it in the context of long-term sobriety, and am reminded that I should be grateful that my life is so comparatively easy.
There will always be difficult life issues to deal with, but keeping my commitment to sobriety separate from he ups and downs of everyday life is what has worked for me.
As for having to pay some fees to rid yourself of this guy, sounds worth it to me. I sold a house in a down market in order to cut my last ties to my ex. It cost me a heck of a lot more than a few hundred bucks, but my emotional health is priceless.
Well I didn't have a drink today even with all the upset. I went with a friend and her b/f to one of his friends house we sat and talked. I even took my son with me and he got along great with the other child there. So I ended up having a good day and now I am home going to bed in a hour or so and feeling better
Laying this over how I used to live my life I come back to the early acceptance that I was and am Powerless and if I attempt to exert any power my life get unmanagable and I grab on to my HP's hand so I can be led to sanity. My life use to get this insane and worse also. Trust the program...work the program...throw away your old one...it doesn't work and never has. Pick it up again (relapse) and it will still not work.
What Jerry and all the others have said! Focus on YOU and your sobriety and recovery and you can't screw this up. God will be there to deliver just what you need when you need it. We have to create an environment for God to work through us. That environment is AA & The steps as laid out in the BB.
What part of you thinks an ex-con who cheats on you would be good for you to maintain contact with in any, way, shape, or form? You need to really start valuing yourself more and you will find that in the program of AA when you work it as it is laid out. Get to more meetings, work the steps, change your thinking and you will not keep experiencing these situations and losing your serenity over them.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
