This is not how it happened for me. I took the fact that I needed to go to AA as very very serious and stopped drinking 2 days before I even started going to meetings. I did not relapse at all from my first meeting. It is not unusual to to relapse at the start, but it is a bit unusual to still drink all the time and go to meetings (though I've seen it before). AA is going to spoil all his drinking fun, but in order to truly get sober, he needs to make a better effort. He can't be too interested in what's going on because one of the chief messages in AA is to not drink in between meetings. I have met other people that struggled the same way as what it sounds like is happening with your husband (as I stated). Most of them do not last in AA and of those who do get sober, they usually sink to a lower bottom, get hospitalized a few times, and then experience the demoralization that is so thorough that they actually do get sober. If your husband does not give real sobriety a try, he is going to get worse and need a higher level of intervention in the form of rehab and halfway.

I'm guessing he is scared of failure, so he is shooting himself in the foot before even starting. Also, being on antianxiety meds and antidepressants with a combo of alcohol is extraordinarily dangerous and, if he really wants the depression and anxiety lift, he needs to stop drinking (not to mention avoiding the risk of death ala Anna Nicole/Heath Ledger style). This comes from a person who thought he had both incurable depression and anxiety and self-medicated for years. I too did not see how vicious the circle was between my drinking and my moods and my psych meds. It was all a big jumbled mess. I feel for you and your husband, cuz he sounds like he is really trying to dig a deeper and deeper bottom for himself.

Anyhow, AA is not rocket science...Sometimes there is this really crucial thing you have to do in order to get sober: Stop drinking! Yeah. It really is that simple to start with. Step 1 means admitting you are powerless over alcohol and it makes your life unmanageable. If he wants recovery, working that step inherently means stop drinking. To do otherwise is either to say "I can control it after all" or "I don't care that it ruins my life." Both of those lingering questions/issues need to be 100 percent resolved in order to move forward at all.

Prayers are with you. Maybe your husband can come here and find some help.

Mark

workingout wrote:

---

Thanks LinBaba for your quick reply and sharing and advise. :)

I am trying, very very hard, to keep the focus on myself. I am in the process of detaching with love, trying to focus on me, and setting boundaries. I've learnt in alanon that this is also a difficult time for the A (the time while I set boundaries and detach) because they will test the limits and resist the change, try to see if I give in.

I'll just keep focusing on myself and hope he finds his way.

I try not to worry about things I can't control but driving drunk with my daughter in the car is a new 'bottom'... and one of the times I just couldn't help myself. I lost it and yelled and screamed at him and said some things I wish I could take back.

Thanks again

:)

---

Boundaries

As the child of a codependent who would put me in the car with an alcoholic I held a LOT more blame for the codependent then the alcoholic, because the "normal" person is suppoesed to know better right?

example of boundary

Don't allow him to drive with your child in the car unless he is 100% sober, as in attending meetings and has some time under his belt

That is the biggest lesson I had to learn in dealing with an active alcoholic in my life, boundaries, they aren't 'behavior modification" they are ways in which we protect ourselves and our loved ones from harmful behaviors of those around us

Not "don't drive drunk" but always make sure I have my own ride, not "don't drive drunk with our child in the car" but make sure I am the one that takes that responsibility, we don't let pyromaniacs play with matches, and we don't put our lives or our loved ones lives in the hands of someone who has an addiction they can't control

his addiction is > then the love he has for you and your child, that means he is quite literally an insane human being

Legal definition of insanity = danger to themselves or others

Good luck, my prayers are with you and your family

 

LinBaba - I did set that boundary. He can't drive with my daughter ever unless I'm around to see if he's ok. (This incident happened while I was at work).

Maybe I should have a harsher boundary? He can't drive with her in the car until he has X number months of sobriety?

I see your point - you putting more blame on the codependent as they are supposed to be the 'normal' ones. Although...I feel crazy still, most of the time!

Thanks again

Thanks again pinkchip. Oh have I ever become aware of how fine that line is - between being an enabler and a supportive wife - I am probably far from mastering my balancing skills. But, I am trying. You sharing your experience (realizing that you were about to lose everything) is what my husband is currently worrying about. He knows that his friends and me won't put up with this BS forever, he tells me he thinks about that, that he worries about it. But, I know he's still in denial.

The lies he tells are unbelievable and the scariest part is I think he's actually starting to believe the lies himself.

His stay in the psych ward exposed a lot of issues (drinking, mental health) to his friends and family who before had no clue. Although, he downplays the drinking with them and talks more openly about anxiety.

And of course unless you are an A or are married to one or really close to one, you could not even begin to fathom what it truly means, what it does, how it effects everyone..how it literally drives you insane.

Thanks again...so much. Your words are encouraging and makes staying firm a tad easier.

How long to get sober?

For me, it was in a heartbeat.

I said to myself:

I can't go on. Something has to change. I don't care what. God, please help me.


Then I went to bed.

Haven't had a drink since.

Got to AA a couple of weeks later, actually had to DRAG the info out of an MD that I was an alcoholic. I said "OK" and went to an AA meeting which led (none too quickly, IMHO) to the book and the steps, and continued sobriety.

Big Book, p.88
"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone -- even alcohol. "

I stopped WANTING to drink when I surrendered to God, or in a different parlance,

I can't go on. (STEP 1) Something has to change. (...and who should I ask? STEP 2) I don't care what. God, please help me. (STEP 3)

Steps 1 -3 = Surrender.

In all the discussion of your husband and his efforts to get sober, it stands out to me that what I didn't see was any mention of his taking any of the steps in AA, or any action twards improving his spiritual condition.

How long until he gets sober, I would expect to be exactly how long until those things happen.

Workingout,
Great question and dialogue.  Your situation sounds very familiar to mine, except I was in your husbands shoes.  I couldn't get sober until I admitted and accepted I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanagable(step 1).  Total surrender to this cunning, baffling and powerful diesase.  It's the obession of every alcoholic to drink like a normal person.  We continue to try to stop or moderate unsuccessfully.  This is why we are insane when we get to AA.  The diesase is much stronger than will power and we must seek a Higher Power in order to get and stay sober.  Looking back I admitted I was an alcoholic but didn't have a stronger enough desire do anything about it.  Maybe it was fear living sober, maybe it was change(very uncomfortable), maybe it was fear of the unknown.  Drinking was all I knew how to do....

I hit my bottom when my enablers (wife, family and friends) had enough and let me go find my bottom.  Tough love, but what I needed.  I started to realize that my current situation SUCKED and I was going backwards.   What I realized is I compromised many things to perserve my right to drink.  This shows me how strong this diesase is.  That I would put drinking before kids, wife, house, job etc...........  I learned that no one person can keep an Alcoholic sober for too long.  I had to do it for myself.

I started to ask for help from AA members.  Once I started to get help and actually DO what they were telling me, my life started to change.  I wanted to stay sober more than wanting to drink.  I left my playmates, playgrounds and play things I associated with drinking behind and jumped in the AA life raft with a willingness to change.  By working the AA program in it's entirety (meetings, fellowship, sponsor, steps, HP & service) my life keeps getting better.   

Gifts start to come back into the life of the alcoholic once sober and recovery takes hold.  I'm very gratiful today to God and AA.

Workingout,
It's great to see you taking care of yourself through all this.  Very nice to see.  That's all we have control over is ourselves.  I intentionally left that part out because I didn't want to plant any ideas, but since you asked, yes, my wife had enough and kicked me out of the house.  I'm not advocating that, just my story.  I did move back in with the family after getting sober and working on me.  My wife actually asked me to move back in.  That's the amount of change a person can have who truly gives themselves to this program.  From my experience; the individuals who are most successful with getting well are those who get to a point of being desperate for change in their life.  One's who truly surrender.  Surrender = willingness.  With willingness change will happen.  

Danielle,
Prayers sent your way.  My sponsor reminds me of the order of self preservation: God, Me and then everyone else.  If I get the order mixed up I'm headed for problems.

I would like to reiterate that none of us are in your shoes, that all we can offer you is our own experience, there are many other alcoholics on this forum whose experience matches that of your husbands besides Mike, we are not qualified to give marriage advice, to say stay or don't stay, all we can offer is our own stories

My Girlfriend also threw me out, and that was the catalyst for me, and we also reconciled, but I later learned that throwing out an alcoholic as behavior modification backfired emotionally on ME, just as it takes what it takes for him, it takes what it takes for you, I had to learn do what you need to do for ME, not for the alcoholic, when I did decide to part ways I had to be sure it is for the right reasons, for ME, not the alcoholic

I repeat

we didn't cause it
we can't cure it
we can't control it

To The Wives

As wives of Alcoholics Anonymous, we would like you to feel that we understand as perhaps few can. We want to analyze mistakes we have made. We want to leave you with the feeling that no situation is too difficult and no unhappiness too great to be overcome.

We have traveled a rocky road, there is no mistake about that. We have had long rendezvous with hurt pride, frustration, self-pity, misunderstanding and fear. These are not pleasant companions. We have been driven to maudlin sympathy, to bitter resentment. Some of us veered from extreme to extreme, ever hoping that one day our loved ones would be themselves once more.

Our loyalty and the desire that our husbands hold up their heads and be like other men have begotten all sorts of predicaments. We have been unselfish and self-sacrificing. We have told innumerable lies to protect our pride and our husbands' reputations. We have prayed, we have begged, we have been patient. We have struck out viciously. We have run away. We have been hysterical. We have been terror stricken. We have sought sympathy. We have had retaliatory love affairs with other men.

Our homes have been battle-grounds many an evening. In the morning we have kissed and made up. Our friends have counseled chucking the men and we have done so with finality, only to be back in a little while hoping, always hoping. Our men have sworn great solemn oaths that they were through drinking forever. We have believed them when no one else could or would. Then, in days, weeks, or months, a fresh outburst.

We seldom had friends at our homes, never knowing how or when the men of the house would appear. We could make few social engagements. We came to live almost alone. When we were invited out, our husbands sneaked so many drinks that they spoiled the occasion. If, on the other hand, they took nothing, their self-pity made them killjoys.

There was never financial security. Positions were always in jeopardy or gone. An armored car could not have brought the pay envelopes home. The checking account melted like snow in June.

Sometimes there were other women. How heartbreaking was this discovery; how cruel to be told they understood our men as we did not!

The bill collectors, the sheriffs, the angry taxi drivers, the policemen, the bums, the pals, and even the ladies they sometimes brought home our husbands thought we were so inhospitable. "Joykiller, nag, wet blanket" that's what they said. Next day they would be themselves again and we would forgive and try to forget.

We have tried to hold the love of our children for their father. We have told small tots that father was sick, which was much nearer the truth than we realized. They struck the children, kicked out door panels, smashed treasured crockery, and ripped the keys out of pianos. In the midst of such pandemonium they may have rushed out threatening to live with the other woman forever. In desperation, we have even got tight ourselves the drunk to end all drunks. The unexpected result was that our husbands seemed to like it.

Perhaps at this point we got a divorce and took the children home to father and mother. Then we were severely criticized by our husband's parents for desertion. Usually we did not leave. We stayed on and on. We finally sought employment ourselves as destitution faced us and our families.

We began to ask medical advice as the sprees got closer together. The alarming physical and mental symptoms, the deepening pall of remorse, depression and inferiority that settled down on our loved ones - these things terrified and distracted us. As animals on a treadmill, we have patiently and wearily climbed, falling back in exhaustion after each futile effort to reach solid ground. Most of us have entered the final stage with its commitment to health resorts, sanitariums, hospitals, and fails. Sometimes there were screaming delirium and insanity. Death was often near.

Under these conditions we naturally make mistakes. Some of them rose out of ignorance of alcoholism. Sometimes we sensed dimly that we were dealing with sick men. Had we fully understood the nature of the alcoholic illness, we might have behaved differently. How could men who loved their wives and children be so unthinking, so callous, so cruel? There could be no love in such persons, we thought. And just as we were being convinced of their heartlessness, they would surprise us with fresh resolves and new attentions. For a while they would be their old sweet selves, only to dash the new structure of affection to pieces once more. Asked why they commenced to drink again, they would reply with some silly excuse, or none. It was so baffling, so heartbreaking. Could we have been so mistaken in the men we married? When drinking, they were strangers. Sometimes they were so inaccessible that it seemed as though a great wall had been built around them.

And even if they did not love their families, how could they be so blind about themselves? What had become of their judgment, their common sense, their will power? Why could they not see that drink meant ruin to them? Why was it, when these dangers were pointed out that they agreed, and then got drunk again immediately?

These are some of the questions which race through the mind of every woman who has an alcoholic husband. We hope this book has answered some of them. Perhaps your husband has been living in that strange world of alcoholism where everything is distorted and exaggerated. You can see that he really does love with his better self. Of course, there is such a thing as incompatibility, but in nearly every instance the alcoholic only seems to be unloving and inconsiderate; it is usually because he is warped and sickened that he says and does these appalling things. Today most of our men are better husbands and fathers than ever before.

Try not to condemn your alcoholic husband no matter what he says or does. He is just another very sick, unreasonable person. Treat him, when you can, as though he had pneumonia. When he angers you, remember that he is very ill.

There is an important exception to the foregoing. We realize some men are thoroughly bad-intentioned, that no amount of patience will make any difference. An alcoholic of this temperament may be quick to use this chapter as a club over your head. Don't let him get away with it. If you are positive he is one of this type you may feel you had better leave him. Is it right to let him ruin your life and the lives of your children? Especially when he has before him a way to stop his drinking and abuse if he really wants to pay the price.

The problem with which you struggle usually falls within one of four categories:

- One: Your husband may be only a heavy drinker. His drinking may be constant or it may be heavy only on certain occasions. Perhaps he spends too much money for liquor. It may be slowing him up mentally and physically, but he does not see it. Sometimes he is a source of embarrassment to you and his friends. He is positive he can handle his liquor, that it does him no harm, that drinking is necessary in his business. He would probably be insulted if he were called an alcoholic. This world is full of people like him. Some will moderate or stop altogether, and some will not. Of those who keep on, a good number will become true alcoholics after a while.

- Two: Your husband is showing lack of control, for he is unable to stay on the water wagon even when he wants to. He often gets entirely out of hand when drinking. He admits this is true, but is positive that he will do better. He has begun to try, with or without your cooperation, various means of moderating or staying dry. Maybe he is beginning to lose his friends. His business may suffer somewhat. He is worried at times, and is becoming aware that he cannot drink like other people. He sometimes drinks in the morning and through the day also, to hold his nervousness in check. He is remorseful after serious drinking bouts and tells you he wants to stop. But when he gets over the spree, he begins to think once more how he can drink moderately next time. We think this person is in danger. These are the earmarks of a real alcoholic. Perhaps he can still tend to business fairly well. He has by no means ruined everything. As we say among ourselves, "He wants to want to stop."

- Three: This husband has gone much further than husband number two. Though once like number two he became worse. His friends have slipped away, his home is a near-wreck and he cannot hold a position. Maybe the doctor has been called in, and the weary round of sanitariums and hospitals has begun. He admits he cannot drink like other people, but does not see why. He clings to the notion that he will yet find a way to do so. He may have come to the point where he desperately wants to stop but cannot. His case presents additional questions which we shall try to answer for you. You can be quite hopeful of a situation like this.

- Four: You may have a husband of whom you completely despair. He has been placed in one institution after another. He is violent, or appears definitely insane when drunk. Sometimes he drinks on the way home from the hospital. Perhaps he has had delirium tremens. Doctors may shake their heads and advise you to have him committed. Maybe you have already been obliged to put him away. This picture may not be as dark as it looks. Many of our husbands were just as far gone. Yet they got well.

Let's now go back to number one. Oddly enough, he is often difficult to deal with. He enjoys drinking. It stirs his imagination. His friends feel closer over a highball. Perhaps you enjoy drinking with him yourself when he doesn't go too far. You have passed happy evenings together chatting and drinking before your fire. Perhaps you both like parties which would be dull without liquor. We have enjoyed such evenings ourselves; we had a good time. We know all about liquor as a social lubricant. Some, but not all of us, think it has its advantages when reasonably used.

The first principle of success is that you should never be angry. Even though your husband becomes unbearable and you have to leave him temporarily, you should, if you can, go without rancor. Patience and good temper are most necessary.

Our next thought is that you should never tell him what he must do about his drinking. If he gets the idea that you are a nag or a killjoy, your chance of accomplishing anything useful may be zero. He will use that as an excuse to drink more. He will tell you he is misunderstood. This may lead to lonely evenings for you. He may seek someone else to console him not always another man.

Be determined that your husband's drinking is not going to spoil your relations with your children or your friends. They need your companionship and your help. It is possible to have a full and useful life, though your husband continues to drink. We know women who are unafraid, even happy under these conditions. Do not set your heart on reforming your husband. You may be unable to do so, no matter how hard you try.

We know these suggestions are sometimes difficult to follow, but you will save many a heartbreak if you can succeed in observing them. Your husband may come to appreciate your reasonableness and patience. This may lay the groundwork for a friendly talk about his alcoholic problem. Try to have him bring up the subject himself. Be sure you are not critical during such a discussion. Attempt instead, to put yourself in his place. Let him see that you want to be helpful rather than critical.

When a discussion does arise, you might suggest he read this book or at least the chapter on alcoholism. Tell him you have been worried, though perhaps needlessly. You think he ought to know the subject better, as everyone should have a clear understanding of the risk he takes if he drinks too much. Show him you have confidence in his power to stop or moderate. Say you do not want to be a wet blanket; that you only want him to take care of his health. Thus you may succeed in interesting him in alcoholism.

He probably has several alcoholics among his own acquaintances. You might suggest that you both take an interest in them. Drinkers like to help other drinkers. Your husband may be willing to talk to one of them.

If this kind of approach does not catch your husband's interest, it may be best to drop the subject, but after a friendly talk your husband will usually revive the topic himself. This may take patient waiting, but it will be worth it. Meanwhile you might try to help the wife of another serious drinker. If you act upon these principles, your husband may stop or moderate. Suppose, however, that your husband fits the description of number two. The same principles which apply to husband number one should be practice. But after his next binge, ask him if he would really like to get over drinking for good. Do not ask that he do it for you or anyone else. Just would he like to?

The chances are he would. Show him your copy of this book and tell him what you have found out about alcoholism. Show him that as alcoholics, the writers of the book understand. Tell him some of the interesting stories you have read. If you think he will be shy of a spiritual remedy, ask him to look at the chapter on alcoholism. Then perhaps he will be interested enough to continue.

If he is enthusiastic your cooperation will mean a great deal. If he is lukewarm or thinks he is not an alcoholic, we suggest you leave him alone. Avoid urging him to follow our program. The seed has been planted in his mind. He knows that thousands of men, much like himself, have recovered. But don't remind him of this after he has been drinking, for he may be angry. Sooner or later, you are likely to find him reading the book once more. Wait until repeated stumbling convinces him he must act, for the more you hurry him the longer his recovery may be delayed.

If you have a number three husband, you may be in luck. Being certain he wants to stop, you can go to him with this volume as joyfully as though you had struck oil. He may not share your enthusiasm, but he is practically sure to read the book and he may go for the program at once. If he does not, you will probably not have long to wait. Again, you should not crowd him. Let him decide for himself. Cheerfully see him through more sprees. Talk about his condition or this book only when he raises the issue. In some cases it may be better to let someone outside the family urge action without arousing hostility. If your husband is otherwise a normal individual, your chances are good at this stage.

You would suppose that men in the fourth classification would be quite hopeless, but that is not so. Many of Alcoholics Anonymous were like that. Everybody had given them up. Defeat seemed certain. Yet often such men had spectacular and powerful recoveries.

There are exceptions. Some men have been so impaired by alcohol that they cannot stop. Sometimes there are cases where alcoholism is complicated by other disorders. A good doctor or psychiatrist can tell you whether these complications are serious. In any event, try to have your husband read this book. His reaction may be one of enthusiasm. If he is already committed to an institution, but can convince you and your doctor that he means business, give him a chance to try our method, unless the doctor thinks his mental condition too abnormal or dangerous. We make this recommendation with some confidence. For years we have been working with alcoholics committed to institutions. Since this book was first published, A.A. has released thousands of alcoholics from asylums and hospitals of every kind. The majority have never returned. The power of God goes deep!

You may have the reverse situation on your hands. Perhaps you have a husband who is at large, but who should be committed. Some men cannot or will not get over alcoholism. When they become too dangerous, we think the kind thing to do is to lock them up, but of course a good doctor should always be consulted. The wives and children of such men suffer horrible, but not more than the men themselves.

But sometimes you must start life anew. We know women who have done it. If such women adopt a spiritual way of life their road will be smoother.

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Chapter 3 - More About Alcoholism

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals usually brief were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.

We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing a making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet.

Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self- deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right-about- face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!

Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums we could increase the list ad infinitum.

-- Edited by LinBaba on Monday 29th of November 2010 04:44:30 PM

My heart goes out to you, keep working on you and your program.

Personally, I bounced around for about 5 months going to some meetings here and there, and would maybe stay sober for a week. Had a bad episode and got about 90 days clean, had a drunken weekend w/ a DUI in Oct. 1984 and have been sober since.

I guess drinking and going to meetings is better than not attending, but honestly if you can't take the first step and put down the drink, not much good can happen.

Does he need detox or can he manage to stay sober a week?

He admitted he is achoholic and needs to stop drinking but continues to drink??

He will have little luck working with a sponsor or recieving help unless he can truely get some humility and be willing to not drink and take some direction.

Aloha Danielle; I am a double; both a member of AA and the Al-Anon Family
Groups.  I was born and raised under the influence of alcoholism and a part of
that resolved that I married addicted women and almost constantly was in
relationships with addicted people.  It is what I knew how to do best which caused
the worse in my life.  I started in Al-Anon first which is a duplication of AA with a
different focus.  There I was directed to focus on my self and my side of the
fence or street; "my part in the problem." 

I tried for years to figure out the problem and my then alcoholic addict wife who
I tried to teach how to drink and drank with constantly.  She was my obsession
of the mind and behavior a full time endeavor 24/7 and then Al-Anon and an
early sponsor disturbed and muddied the waters completely...thank God.  I use
to ask "Why?" alot.  I wanted to know what made her tick and why she drank
the way she did and did what she did during and after she drank.  I had so many
whys I overwhelmed the fellowship and my early sponsor who simply at one time
gave me two thoughts to quiet my questioning and turn me back to my own
recovery.  

When I was having problems accepting that my spouse was alcoholic my sponsor
gave me; "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...the
chances are it's a duck."  That eliminated many whys and much denial and at
times I still would get caught up with "figuring it and her out" thinking if I was
able to do that I could find some peace of mind and serenity.  This brought me
to the second gift.  My then sponsor asked me, "If and when you get the answer
what are you going to do with it?"  Recovery is about fixing myself and no one
else period.  I am powerless over alcohol and every other alcoholic at the very
same time.

I use to "What if?" and the feedback from my sponsor was "In order to stay in
balance...whenever you what if you need to also "what if not.""  

You'll find the greatest teachers on the subject of self focus when the distraction
is an alcoholic, in the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups.   Keep reaching out
and staying humble.  The definition for me of humility is "being teachable".

(((hugs)))