I am 60 days sober today.... I go to meetings almost everyday during the week. I have a sponsor and I am in a Big Book Study. I am working hard to stay sober.
I have stayed sober despite my husbands drinking and drug use. At first, his drinking and drug use wasn't bothering me. It's starting to bother me now. Especially, when he wants affection and he smells like a brewery. He really upset me last night night when he took a drink of his beer and then tries to kiss me passionetly.... Then he was really upset when I pushed him away. I felt that to be really disrespectful and almost a violation of my recovery. (I hope this makes sense).
I am so sick of booze and drugs. I have been surrounded by the carnage it leaves behind my entire life. For once in my life I want to be free of this completely. I have lived the life of growing up in an alcoholic home, with violence and abuse. I have had a failed mariage due to drug use where there was more abuse. Now, I have my own demons and it's alcohol. That resulted in me abusing myself. (I know sounds weird).
I have one child from my first mariage and two from my current relationship. My boyfriend is not abusive in the manner that I was accustomed to when growing up or in my mariage. He annoys the crap out of me. I just want to be left alone, I don't want the pressure and expectations he puts on me. I am not even sure if I like him considering I picked him up 7 years ago at a dance while I was drunk....
Something needs to change. I don't know what that is......
Anyhow, I just wanted to share this....... Clear my thoughts.... Thanks for letting me vent......
A. Abusing yourself doesn't sound "weird". Isn't that what alcoholisim is...a form of self abuse? I mean, it's certainly not only that, but trust me, I understand what you're saying...and I understand doing things while drunk to "punish" yourself because of the self loathing, oh yeah--I know where you're coming from.
B. I am not going to tell you what to do, because I am in absolutely zero position to do so, and everyone has to come to their own conclusions as to what needs to be done to stay sober. What needs to change, what behaviors need to stay and which need to go.
I totally agree that what he did was both disrespectful and a violation of your recovery. I am a single mom myself, and I can tell you, if YOU are happy your kids know and feed off of that.
If you are unhappy, well, they know and feed off of that, too. I got tired and ashamed of trying to not cry in front of my kids, and even when I managed not to, my very sensitive and astute little mini-me of a daughter would look at me and ask me what was "wrong" anyway.
I dunno if any of this makes sense, but you sound just like me almost to a T. Childhood, ex boyfriends, ex husband, the works. I WANT TO HUG YOU!! I promise I don't mean that creepy, how often do you get a non-creepy offer of a hug from a stranger on the interwebz? Hahaha.
Amy
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"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." ~Anonymous
Hi This is an edited version of an earlier post of mine but thought it may help. Just really quickly on the difficult relationships thing coz I can appreciate what you are going through. I am 7 months sober and 2 months attending regular AA meetings. Have just got a sponsor and started working the steps. I have been having some pretty major relationship dificulties over the past little while (hubby is an alcoholic but will not admit that his life has become unmanageable etc, home life very difficult at present). Trying v hard to "release with love" and to hand over to my HP who I call God. Saying the serenity prayer a gazillion times every day. Went to a meeting Monday night coz it was all getting tooooo much. This was not my normal meeting and I had to juggle some work/personal stuff to get there. EVERY SINGLE PERSON AT THE MEETING SPOKE TO MY PROBLEM. The funny thing was I was called LAST and no-one in that meeting knew me or had any idea of my particular problem/s. It really helped me. This to me is one of the miracles of AA and just how attending meetings can prompt spiritual breakthroughs and clarity of insight when you least expect it. God Bless you hon and try to get to a meeting if you havent already (This is my gobsmacked face after the meeting on Monday night - )
Welcome Alicia. Don't let thoughts about the relationship overwhelm you from your primary purpose right now which is to stay sober. You can figure out the relationship later. It only needs change if it's driving you nuts, is dangerous, or is going to make you drink.
Just pray and have faith and don't drink no matter what. You will make it!
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I tend to try to look at things like this through the lens of marriage vows, i.e, for better for worse, in sickness and in health, etc. So, not to pry, but just to clarify, I think you refer to this fellow as your husband early in the post, but then to a boyfriend later in the post. Are these two different people? I'm thinking they are, but you seem to refer to both of them in the present tense. Maybe I misunderstand. If so, I'm sorry.
Anyway, if you're going to meetings and reading the Big Book, it sounds like you're off to a good start. Good luck!
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Welcome Alicia. I'm reminded here of the two most troubling situations to an alcoholic. Relationships and money. In my experience; in that order. I was in a similiar situation with relationship issues and my sponsor guided me slowly- never making decisions for me, but used the 12 steps and his personal experience to guide me. He reminded me often that if I stayed sober and worked my program- I couldn't screw this up and I would be o.k. Focusing on me- the only one I could change.
What happened is I worked the AA program(Meetings, Sponsor, Steps, HP, Fellowship & Service) and continue to practice them on a daily basis. My life changed and the promises outlined in the BB came true. I grew to the point where I could live with or without my wife. As I grew in the AA program what I was willing to ACCEPT changed and continues to change.
My point being: like others have said, focus on you and your recovery. Work the entire program with an emphasis on the Steps and God will reveal more of his plan for you. In his time. Over time you will gain some clarity around what you want out of life and who you want to have participate in it with you.
HI Alicia, welcome!! Good for you ... going to meetings, got a sponsor, working the steps and attending a Big Book study ( that is very important in my opinion ).
Thankyou so much for sharing your experiences thus far here. It all sounds perfectly normal to me, and congrats on not drinking for 2 months :)
I remember being sober 2 months EVERYONE and practically everything bothered , annoyed, and affected ME. Didnt these ppl ( whoever they were ) know who I was? Didnt they know how hard it was to get sober? How dare they mess with my sobriety!!!!!
My husband continued to drink ( even tho not very much ) after I sobered up. How dare he do that to me?? I thought he loved me!! Grrrrrrr ... poor me, booooohoooo, waaaaaa ... and on and on and on. You get the idea here Im sure.
I was forever whining , crying and complaining to my sponsor about HIM. Well, let me tell you that She set me straight pretty much so right from the get - go ..... She asked me , " Is he beating on you, is he running around with other women on you, is he sloppy ass falling down drunk breaking things in your house, is he working and paying the bills?" When I answered honesty to all of these questions .. which was , No, he didnt beat on me, no he wasnt running around on me, no he wasnt falling down sloppy, breaking things, and yes, he went to work, he paid the bills. My sponsor told me to leave him alone , be cordial to him and treat him like a stranger. She told me to pay attention to ME staying sober. If he wanted to drink, that was his business.
Fast forward to today .. My husband rarely drinks, and if or when he does, it doesnt even bother me anymore. Why doesn't it bother me ? Because ... my first year sober I was merely drying up, the 2nd year, I started to sober up, and the rest of these years, I grew up. My home, and work life is better than I could have ever imagined it and I owe it all to God, the steps of AA, a super great sponsor who probably saved my marriage.
Look for the spot in the book that says We can get sober regardless of our circumstances ( Im misquoting, sorry) and the book repeatedly tells us that if we place our sobriety on ppl rather than God we will most likely fail.
Hello Everybody.... Thank you, for your advice/comments.....
@ZZworldontheweb - He is my boyfriend. He asked me to refer to him as that a few weeks ago until I divorce my first husband and marry him. It's hard to stop calling someone your husband after 7 years. Sorry for the contridiction.
My boyfriend is a drunk and a drug addict. The highlight of my night is when he passes out. He is complaining that I don't spend enough time with the family that I am out alot (@ AA) and when I am home I read my Big book or on the phone with my sponsor.
What I am confused about is when I was drinking I couldn't cared if anybody lived or died. I ignored my family. It was just me and my bottle and the person I was drinking with. I didn't know how the kids got to bed or who put them there. I didn't real care either. Now that I am trying to get well and change my life it's a problem. I'm not understanding. My theory is that if I put the effort in now and face my demons, work the program that everybody in my life will benefit in the future. I am working on building defences against relaspe. My abscence right now will give everybody a better quality of life in the future including myself.
I know that I am being selfish right now and I feel that I need to take care of myself in a positive way. I have abused myself for so long and I need to take care of myself and learn to forgive myself for the things I did.
And your boyfriend is losing his best drinking buddy. Also he is looking at himself and evauating if he can or is willing to stop now since you switched up all of the relationship rules by getting sober yourself.
Sorry you have to put of with this drama. I feel for you cuz I was in a similar boat. I am not saying for you to do this, I had had to leave my drunk partner at the time (we'd also been together 7 years when I got sober) cuz there was just no way I was going to fully embrace sobriety with that much drinking going on right in my face. Prayers for you.
Mark
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