I am almost 60 days sober. I've tried to get sober in the past, and it never felt like this. This time, I know I can't have another drink and I am really looking forward to a life where I will never pick up another drink.
The trouble is: my husband has always been clueless about my drinking. He doesn't understand the disease and he never knew I was drinking--even when I had conversations with him after 2 bottles of wine. He blames work stress for my drinking. Currently, my work is about as stressful as its ever been. I am managing it suprisingly well and have not wanted a drink since I quit. However, I've been so busy from work I haven't been able to get to meetings for a couple weeks. If I needed to go, I would. If I had the free time, I'd go even if I didn't feel I needed to.
Anyway, he always asks me if I'm going to meetings when I'm feeling pretty good about things. Also, it's generally over the phone and when he hasn't even seen me all day. It's very frustrating and discouraging. I would totally understand if I were showing signs of trouble, but I am feeling confident and strong (until he asks me that). Or, if he could just wait until we're together so we can have a face-to-face conversation about it.
I understand that it's good for him to check on me and that I shouldn't pretend that I don't have a problem. It's just, I wish he could know how to check on me without actually causing me to be closer to wanting a drink.
Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions?
-- Edited by feelinggood on Thursday 4th of November 2010 05:48:33 PM
Fellingood 60 days isn't a very long time for an average person observing another person. It kinda seems like a week or two. Just keep on going to meetings daily and work the steps with your sponsor. Your husbands opinion is not really a concern of yours right now and it will change over time as you continue to get sober and stabilize your new life style. Right now you need to be concerned with Building Your Sober Identity. Think about what that means.
Rob: He said he was gonna go to Al-Anon, but hasn't. I find it a little ironic that he is so insistent about me going to meetings but won't go to one Al-Anon meeting!
He is a very stubborn person, and I bet he's feeling a little high-and-mighty now that the tables have turned (I used to be the more "upstanding" one in the relationship). Any tips on how to convince him to go?
Dean: Thanks for the advice. I know it doesn't really matter what he says, but it really drags me down and I don't want that at all! I guess I'll just try not to let it bother me. Unfortunately, my sponsor is single and doesn't understand how childish we can behave in our marriages! I am trying to find someone in my meetings to talk to about these things, but haven't yet. I am unusual in my groups in that I am a heterosexual married to a non-alcoholic who stuck around.
-- Edited by feelinggood on Thursday 4th of November 2010 06:42:37 PM
Speaking from personal experience, trying to convince, or insisting that someone attend Al Anon can make for some pretty bad resentment. When I was 90 days sober I told my wife that things would never change for her if she didn't go to Al Anon meetings. She had been to a few and didn't like them. She told me she would work things out the way she needed to for herself. I got pissed off and argued that her attending meetings was the only way she would ever get it. I held a grudge for a long time, until I realized that she was actually doing better at coping than I was. She was taking steps to learn how to deal with the changes in her own way, and it was working. Best thing I can say is keep suggesting Al Anon to him, but don't pressure him or make any demands. Tell him if he really wants to know what alcoholism and recovery are all about, he should go to a meeting and find out. I had to remember that I was the cause of the damage, and I had no right to tell her what she had to do. Besides, how was she supposed to trust me after 3 short months.
Just my experience...
K.....
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Thanks, Klaatu. I don't want to push him and I haven't. I've actually only once suggested that going to some Al-Anon meetings would help him understand why I did the things I did. He was open to that, but just hasn't gone. He appears to be coping, but he tends to bottle things up. For his sake more than my own, I want him to go. I would like to remind him, but like you said, how is he supposed to trust me?
-- Edited by feelinggood on Thursday 4th of November 2010 06:54:56 PM
Feelingood, you're going to have to work extra hard at staying sober. Being married is a huge distraction and the tendency is to focus on the other person instead of yourself (like you're doing know lol). Getting and staying sober has to be our primary purpose, our life depends on it. Relationships are optional. Not saying we should ignore our responsibilities but their needs to be a shift in priorities and doing some writing about it will help to gain a proper perspective.
It's hard for most women to ignore the intense need to please the important people in her life. That should be a step all of its own for women! Preferably near the beginning.
I guess I will have to put some serious thought into that right now.
I'm glad for this board--lots of good advice here.
-- Edited by feelinggood on Thursday 4th of November 2010 07:26:40 PM
It's not really a "woman" thing. We're all a bunch of people pleasers in here. It's actually a "character defect" and a control mechanism (trying to make people like us or buying favor). It's all in the Big Book and 12 & 12.
I was also very anxious to make everything okay for my wife because I felt I owed it to her. I thought if I could make and keep her happy things would be easier for me. It was my way of not having to focus so much on what I have to do for me. I still struggle with some codependent issues, and like Dean said, I consider them one of my defects. It took me many years in and out of AA to finally "get it". I realized that doing it for everyone else, no matter who or why, would never work. Today I have to take care of #1 first in order to be able to take care of everything else.
K.....
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Nothing ever truly dies. The universe wastes nothing. Everything is simply, transformed. :confuse:
It is just going to take time for this stuff to work out. It's been a little while since I pulled out my standard reply of "I agree with Dean," but I really do here. You have to narrow your focus here. All that matters is that you stay sober and learn about your disease. 60 days is an awesome start but sobriety is not all about "not drinking." Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Probably more often than not, you think it is okay to have a few drinks when you are doing well and coping rather than when things are bad. Hence, your husband checking on you when things are going good would really be an accurate assessment of your highest risk period.
I have come to understand through working the program that about 99 percent of the time my problems with other people have to do with me. You are the one that is the alcoholic. You are the one that has the problem. You don't get to pick and chose how your husband handles your life threatening illness. This is where what Dean said about you building a sober identity comes in. This is all stuff you need to figure out and be at peace with....and you do it through lots of meetings, your sponsor, your spirituality, and working the steps. If you don't work on it, relationships and stress will continue to kick your ass whether you drink or not.
Either way, 60 days is awesome and I am not judging you. Nobody does this stuff perfectly. I sure haven't.
Mark
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I'm with Dean too. Getting sober put a strain on my relationship with my wife. She felt like she lost me to drinking, and then again to my sobriety. I knew I was being selfish, but I also knew I had to be at that point. I needed to learn about me as a sober person, who I was and what I wanted to be. If it meant my relationship, so be it, because I was killing myself and I needed to go to ANY lenghth. Working the steps helped me to find myself, what my issues were, of which drinking was just a symptom. I slowly began letting my wife in again, especially when it came to my sobriety. We're good now. I go to meetings just about every night -- it's part of "our" routine now. And she's realized that she wants me as a sober person in her life and this is what I need to do to remain sober. I realize I am lucky -- a lot of relationships don't survive sobriety. Thankfuly, ours did.
You are getting resentful of your husband suggesting you go to meetings and dealing with it by suggesting he go to meetings and getting resentful if he doesn't go and trying to figure out ways to get him to go to meetings because he is trying to figure out ways to figure out how to get you to go to meetings?
Pot calling kettle, come in kettle
This is what they mean by if you have one finger pointing at others there 3 pointing back at you, for me I found my life has never improved by trying to get others to do what I want or think is best for them, this is covered in masterful detail in the third step in the Big Book, how we are like the actor trying to arrange the lights, the other actors and everything our way, don't they know everyone, including ourselves would be happier if everyone just did it my way?
60 days isn't very long, and meetings and the steps are how we "treat" our alcoholism, and the thing is I have seen far more alcoholics drink because things are good then I have ever seen drink because they are bad, and this is the very thing sobriety, like actual real work the program sobriety teaches us how to do is have a relationship with the world around us without wanting to drink
What I learned is if I work on my insides (work the steps with a sponsor and attend meetings and help others) my outsides (relationships with others) work themselves out far better then if I try to do things "my way", just an idea
-- Edited by LinBaba on Thursday 4th of November 2010 11:17:22 PM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
LMAO @ St. Pete Dean's statement about marriage being a huge distraction! Funny but true...
The sad thing is it isn't that funny, it's by no means uncommon for one to give way to the other, in many cases the sobriety or the relationship has to end for a multitude of reasons if both people don't change, if the alcoholic gets healthy they frequently don't want to stay in a relationship with an unhealthy codependent, and it's not uncommon for the codependent to literally not want to have the alcoholic get sober (although they claim to want that, codies get addicted to having the focus be on others, and having sick people to focus on to keep from having to look at themselves) because they are easier to control if they remain sick so they will actively sabotage the alkies sobriety
Relationships are like mobiles balanced above an infants cradle, and an alcoholic that gets sober and then does the work to get healthy throws the balance of the relationship dynamic off so far everyone concerned has to change dramatically in order to have the relationship evolve and survive
I am of course talking about an alcoholic who works the steps, gets outside help, and takes a few years literally remapping the unhealthy dynamics of what caused them to become alkies in the first place as well as addressing their own issues around codependency and family of origin issues, that takes time, and change occurs slowly, in many cases both parties can commit to getting healthy as this process takes years, and in many(most) cases, years and years
So sadly enough there's not too much funny about what he is saying, just in how he said it
-- Edited by LinBaba on Friday 5th of November 2010 01:27:49 AM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Speaking from personal experience I had ( and sometimes still do ) the same problems with my husband when I got sober. Not exactly the same, but similiar.
Thank God for my sponsor when I was going thru this trial-some period. She saved my butt and my husbands, lol. many a times. In fact, I can almost credit her for saving my marriage cuz it was very, very rocky there for awhile. Well, she didnt save my marriage .. the Power of God and His guidance did.
My job is to keep the focus on me and staying sober ... not picking up that first drink. Now, some will say this is selfish behavior. It is NOT. If ( and I really dont like that word ) a person is working the program of AA properly, guided by a sponsor. Taking care of myself, keeping myself alive and doing the best I can to stay healthy is not selfish contrary to what others believe and say.
I was told to be cordial to my husband and dont expect to much from Him. It is NOT his job to understand what Im going thru. It IS my job to understand that he ( and others ) might not understand. And if they dont, then I cannot make that my problem.
I did offer the BB to my husband and asked him to at least read Chapter to Wives, The Family Afterward and .. the Doctors Opinion. He did and I believe it helped him, therefor helping me.
All in all I have to remember that me getting and staying sober is my job. I need help and I require that help from God, AA ... the steps and the fellowship, my sponsor, my family, society as a whole. I need all of these things and ppl and more to help me on this journey. The key is how to use all of these and that takes practice, patience and understanding.
I can identify and relate to many responses here. Linbaba, your last post mirrors my situation. I got sober and really worked the program & still do (meetings, sponsorship, steps, HP & service work). I found out who I was and worked on ME and my life changed. I had the Spiritually Awakening we all seek. The Promises came true.
My wife tried Alanon a little and stopped going. I'm now not attracted to my wife- emotionally or physically. This is truly amazing for me; getting my wife back was on the top of my wish list when I came into AA. My wife also doesn't like who I've become... I believe for the reasons you listed. I'm now an independent person who can stand on his own two feet. Thank you God..... My point being is; if you really work the program- you will change. What your willing to accept will change and continue to change as you learn and grow Spiritually. My sponsor reminds me: the first year we sober up, second year we clear up and the third year of sobriety we grow up. Then we continue to grow if we continue to work at it. He was absolutely right.
I can identify and relate to many responses here. Linbaba, your last post mirrors my situation. I got sober and really worked the program & still do (meetings, sponsorship, steps, HP & service work). I found out who I was and worked on ME and my life changed. I had the Spiritually Awakening we all seek. The Promises came true.
My wife tried Alanon a little and stopped going. I'm now not attracted to my wife- emotionally or physically. This is truly amazing for me; getting my wife back was on the top of my wish list when I came into AA. My wife also doesn't like who I've become... I believe for the reasons you listed. I'm now an independent person who can stand on his own two feet. Thank you God..... My point being is; if you really work the program- you will change. What your willing to accept will change and continue to change as you learn and grow Spiritually. My sponsor reminds me: the first year we sober up, second year we clear up and the third year of sobriety we grow up. Then we continue to grow if we continue to work at it. He was absolutely right.
Thank you, what you wrote was incredibly powerful and I feel, important, very important
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
LMAO @ St. Pete Dean's statement about marriage being a huge distraction! Funny but true...
The sad thing is it isn't that funny, it's by no means uncommon for one to give way to the other, in many cases the sobriety or the relationship has to end for a multitude of reasons if both people don't change, if the alcoholic gets healthy they frequently don't want to stay in a relationship with an unhealthy codependent, and it's not uncommon for the codependent to literally not want to have the alcoholic get sober (although they claim to want that, codies get addicted to having the focus be on others, and having sick people to focus on to keep from having to look at themselves) because they are easier to control if they remain sick so they will actively sabotage the alkies sobriety
Relationships are like mobiles balanced above an infants cradle, and an alcoholic that gets sober and then does the work to get healthy throws the balance of the relationship dynamic off so far everyone concerned has to change dramatically in order to have the relationship evolve and survive
I am of course talking about an alcoholic who works the steps, gets outside help, and takes a few years literally remapping the unhealthy dynamics of what caused them to become alkies in the first place as well as addressing their own issues around codependency and family of origin issues, that takes time, and change occurs slowly, in many cases both parties can commit to getting healthy as this process takes years, and in many(most) cases, years and years
So sadly enough there's not too much funny about what he is saying, just in how he said it
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Brilliant post linbaba. The only thing that I would add (you basically said) is that because of the fear, that the codependent experiences about losing control over the recovering alcoholic, the codependent spouse will, consciously or unconsciously, attempt to sabotage the recovering alcoholic's sobriety. This happens in a number of ways. #1 is through denial ~ "Your drinking was never that bad, you just need to drink less..." the codependent spouse will say. #2 "Why do you havew to go to so many meetings, isn't our marriage and family more important than "those people"? #3 "So you've been sober a few weeks and now you think that you're going to start making important decisions about finances ect... after I've been taking care of all that and you?"
There is/will definitely be friction, drama and some fear to walk through. The simultaneous survival of sobriety and the marriage will take careful communication and the recovering alcoholics patience and dedication to both, while putting recovery first remembering that whatever we place before our recovery/sobriety we will lose anyway (eventually) if we drink.
Most alcoholics aren't willing to do whatever it takes to get sober until they lose spouses (enablers), jobs, friends (enablers) and family (enablers) and they are all alone wondering (in total fear) WTF am I going to do now?
To be a sucessful "high bottom" recovering alcoholic, the candidate must be willing to learn through the experiences (wisdom) of others and see the eventuality of their drinking career played out through others experience, strength, and hope. Or you can sit back and wait to you lose all, which is (unfortunately) the prefered method lol.
Good luck in your new journey, chose wisely and listen closely.
Sobriety comes first. Why? Everything else will turn to sh** if sobriety doesn't come first. When drinking came first, everything turned to sh**. Over. And over. And over. When sobriety became my #1 priority everything started turning to cotton candy. Before = sh**. After = cotton candy. That's all the proof I need.
My wife is starting to think in terms of me being "cured". She won't go to Al Anon, so I have an untreated CoDee in my life. She is gradually attempting to increase demands on my time because to the best of her knowledge...I'm cured. I don't let her do it. Period. If I let her manipulate me in typical marital fashion I will aquire resentments and resentments are fatal to Us. If I let her take time away from recovery, the same will happen.
I will, however, give of myself freely and at my pace and availability. I can tell myself that I want to give more...but nobody can require it of me. If everything that I give is given freely and without qualification, then I have no resentments at all. I stay clean.
Thanks, Happycamper. I appreciate everything you had to say. Luckily, I am one of the exceptions because my husband is very supportive and does not hinder my sobriety at all. Because I'm new, I broke an AA rule by worrying about my poor husband not getting the benefit of Al-Anon. Now I know: don't worry about his healing. Just worry about mine. He'll be fine, anyway. He is a strong Christian man. He will walk away if I ever fail in my sobriety, which is his right and obligation. But, as long as I work at it, he will be there to love and support me. I had a moment of overly self-centered thinking by being upset about his asking me about meetings, but everyone's reminders to ignore what others say brought me back to task.
I think that part of my journey in discovering myself includes finding how to have a happy "whole" life, and that includes my husband and my career. I don't identify myself by my husband or my job, but I do identify myself by the qualities that lead to having a happy marriage and successful career. By working on my sobriety I am becoming my best self. Coincidentally, my best self is the woman my husband fell in love with and the worker my boss promoted. I got these things by being me, but somewhere along the way I lost that. The drinking caused me to lose myself and losing myself caused the drinking.
Anyway, I am working on this every second of the day. Now, my strongest tools (until I find my higher power) are 1) don't take that first drink and 2) focus on myself and my sobriety.
-- Edited by feelinggood on Wednesday 10th of November 2010 01:24:42 PM
Now that is recovery talk. This is the stuff that you can't get distracted from. Keep at it! I really like your response here because it is full of experience, strength, and hope. It's not bad that you get frustrated and lose focus at times by relationships and work. That happens to all of us... What is great is that you find your way back to serenity using tools you pick up in the program.
P.S. There are no real rules in AA...Crap, if there was, I broke all of them except for drinking. I hope to hear more about your journey.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
