I have been in this confused, hungover, regretful, self-hating place so many times and I'm sick of it but afraid it will never change for good because of all the doubts I have. I know I would be happier if I never drank. I've quit before (pregnancies and one year post a DUI) but I'm stuck in the same mind games as always. I'm afraid of the unknown, afraid to admit my problem, afraid I won't be happier, afraid I will fail (again), afraid of so much. I never progressed in AA despite getting a lot out of meetings because of my fear of public speaking, my fear of making a bad choice of a sponsor, my fear of making amends, my near-atheism and my aversion to group discussions involving a presupposed belief in God. I don't want to be 50 or 60 and spending a whole day in bed every month or two with a hangover. I'm tired of worrying about this; I want to move on with my life, but I have no hope that I can change.
Hey Rachael, Welcome! Congrats on reaching out! Do you have a Big Book from your past meetings? If not, bookmark this: http://anonpress.org/bb/
Just to get you through the tough times. Ok, you have been to meetings in the past and your fear of public speaking held you back. We are in the internet age now, my friend! Why not go to meetings and listen and speak out here? You could try that. Don't believe in a God. Believe in a dream. Believe in a sunset. Believe in a thunderstorm. Believe in the human spirit. Just believe in something to start. I know its tough, but its easy as well. Just do it to get beyond the fact that you say you believe in nothing. As far as amends, it sounds tough, BUT it is powerful and honest and in the middle of it you see some glimpse of your dream, sunset, thunderstorm or human spirit. The steps make sense. They simply work if you do them. The steps are a bridge in the sky. You have to step off the ledge, and lets face it, how much further can you fall than where you are now? If you do not like your sponsor, fire her and move to the next. This is about you Rachael. I am sure you will have lots of help here just for asking! No more throwing up. No more drunken decisions. Crazy games. Drunk driving. It really can be a good life and its there for you. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Welcome Rachael! Another shot by reaching out and sharing as if your life depends on it..IT DOES!! FEAR...believe me ,we all have it ,had it and it can be devastating but our BiG Book tells us"If you have decided you want what we have and willing to go to any lengths to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps!!Says we thought we could find and easier softer way,but we could not.We needed to be fearless and thorough from the start....Some tried to hold on to old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely!! Meetings,sponsorship and the spiritual solutions can change your life.. Also there is no presupposed belief in 'GOD" as a requirement , .We Agnostics(pg44 3rd edition) poses the question"Do you now believe or even willing to believe in a power greater than yourself and the only guidelines are this power be loving,caring and greater than you.When you can believe or even be willing to believe(honesty,openmindedness and willingness,spiritual principles) you can build a simple cornerstone to an effective spiritual structure.Remember the word 'God' does not even appear until Step 3 AND BY THEN ,WORKING WITH A SPONSOR,COMING TO BELIEVE IN YOUR OWN CONCEPT OF THIS POWER,that word may not seem so full of preconceived thoughts and ideas.tHE BEAUTY OF THAT POWER IS IT IS "YOUR OWN CONCEPT, A PROCESS AND NOT AN EVENT THAT WILL MOST LIKELY HAVE DIFFERENT MEANINGS FOR YOU AS YOU MOVE FORWARD IN THE 'SOLUTION.This Power can start out as the group,based on the evidence,it can be the spiritual principles of the program it can be Good Orderly Direction,,its not who or what this Power IS, BUT WHAT THIS pOWER CAN DO TO HELP YOU MOVE FORWARD IN YOUR RECOVERY.... ..oUR MESSAGE IS HOPE AND THE PROMISE OF FREEDOM FROM ACTIVE ADDICTION BUT THERE IS WORK TO DO.yOU ARE BEGINNING TO SEE 'the pain outweighing the pleasure" and you can do this....i SUGGEST ftf MEETINGS AND LISTENING FOR A SPONSOR ,BUT AS tOM SAYS,THE INTERNET HAS MUCH HELP AVAILABLE.Keep coming back and know that we all have faced the "fear" at one point or another and you too can find a "new way to live"...peace and strength sorry for the typing,character defects and shortcomings!!! :) :)
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Welcome to the forum. Glad you have decided to take some action.
You're at a place most of us here are familiar with, a visit from the Four Horsemen.. Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration and Despair.
I'm sorry for your pain as we all have felt it, the good news is that there is a solution if you can (hopefully with the help of a higher power) use this as a opportunity to "surrender". Part of surrendering is realizing that our existing ideals, solutions and actions are not working well in out lives, we give them up and embark on a course of action that has worked for us and others.
It sounds like you are "Powerless over alcohol and your life is unmanageable" (step 1).
If you are powerless over alcohol and can't believe in a power greater than yourself where does that leave us? The only power we have is that of our alcoholic selves! "Lack of power, that was our delima"pg 45.
Sorry I don't mean to preach, just want to give you some hope. Get to some meetings early ad stay late, helps set up and clean up. Ask for a Temporary Sponsor until you are comfortable asking someone.
Your fears will dissipate quickly once you start working the program of AA.
I hope this helps.
Take care,
Rob
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
You have already been honest with yourself ( and Us here ) by admitting you have a problem and that your life is unmanageable.
Pray and ask whatever God you can comprehend for some willingness as well as some open mindedness to start, continue and live the AA program/fellowship. If that is in fact what you want.
Ironically it was fear that brought you here. I learned that fear was also my greatest motivator...the fear of dying standing up and before my time. It got me here, kept me here and kept me away from alcohol. Fear isn't all that bad as an emotion if you use it well. Keep coming back and hope you have a good meeting. Tell them you are afraid of speaking out and they will understand. Watch their heads nod when you say it because we have all been there also. ((((hugs)))).
All of your input and feedback, and honestly just feeling listened to, is helping. I did go to a meeting and it was helpful as well. Although a bit overwhelming as it was Big Book study so it was a bit more advanced and meatier, for lack of a better word, than my poisoned brain could handle right now. I did raise my hand when the 'less than 30 days in' question was posed at the beginning, though, which was hard for me but it was meaningful later in the meeting when others were sharing and might make a small reference or gesture to the new people. It actually felt good to be acknowledged and I was once again, struck by the sincerity and welcoming spirit of these meetings. I will go again tomorrow and will probably keep reading and re-reading all your posts. Thank you.
Your fear might be making it all seem sooooo unbearable and undoable. Remember One day at a time. You don't have to accomplish or will not be able to accomplish sobriety in one day. It will be a new and wonderful way of life. I like to say its my new normal but I didn't get here in one day. Just know your not alone....your not the only one who feels like you do and you CAN have a better life. I am living a life that I not only didn't dream of but a life I didn't even know I wanted. I am truly grateful to my higher power and the AA program to now have a life that I can be proud of. Good luck and you are in my prayers!
-- Edited by SUSIE on Monday 27th of September 2010 09:52:17 AM
Even though there are different editions of "Alcoholics Anonymous" also known as the (Big Book), only the stories in the back have changed. Some stories were addedand some deleted to reflect the membership.
The first 164 pages of the book have stayed the same in all the editions. The first 11 chapters are the program of AA, and it will tell you what to do to get and stay sober.
Right now, chapters 1-6 are going to be the most important.
You might wish to start with ch 1, "Bill's Story" and if you feel like it, Ch 2, "There is a Solution".
That's 16 pages in ch1, and 13 in chapter 2, so it's a little more manageable than trying to digest the whole book.
Welcome Rachael! Nice to see you reaching out for help. I've been where your at and it will get better if you continue to be honest with yourself, don't drink, go to meetings and ask for help. This is a WE program and WE stay sober by helping each other. It's our 12th and final step.
A couple of things come to mind from my experience: recovery is a life long journey, not a sprint. We're all great sprinters but a steady consistent pace to recovery I found to be most productive. Also, fear- the way you feel doesn't mean your thoughts are facts... This was a biggie for me.... I lived with persistent beliefs in some ungrounded facts my whole life. That's were a good sponsor comes in handy- talk these fears out with someone who walked to road ahead of you. By doing the The Steps you life will be filled with the promises(BB) and you'll look back on your fear and realize most of it was just a delusion.
Rachel, what you have described is a life ruled by fear. That is where I was at before AA. It took a bit of time and open mindedness to get the ball rolling. I was terrified at the start but I just took a plunge. Do you really give a rats ass what people think of you when you are miserable already anyhow? Don't be afraid to speak at meetings cuz everyone else is there for a reason too. Claim your seat and soak it all up. Also, I think others have expanded on the higher power thing pretty well here. I find it a shame that so many people get hung up on this. The second step says "Came to believe..." It does not say "Already believed the second we came into AA." I think there is something Divine in people just listening to each other and trying to help each other. That was enough of a higher power for me at the start. From there, my life has gotten so much better that I have built up more faith in something even larger. You can't think your way into believing in God. You need not believe in a traditional God to be successful in AA. The only requirement is a desire to stop drinking. Lastly, it does not sound like you fully gave yourself over to AA yet...ever...So have you really failed or just not tried hard enough and followed suggestions as offered? It sounds to me like you havent tried and done what most people do who actually do accumulate sober time. You can do this Rachel. I suggest you stop trying to shoot yourself in the foot before you even begin taking baby steps. Have some faith and an open mind. I am 100 percent sure this program can work for you. Now is not the time for self doubt. We are here for you and I personally would love to hear about your successes.
In support,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks so much. I'm hanging in there and feeling better. Our weeks are super hectic (three kids, two jobs) so I haven't been to as many meetings as I should, but I've been coming to this site at least once a day and it has been so helpful. Drinking has never made me happy and I know I have to let go of this idea that even if I was able to have one or two sometimes without trouble, there will always be another dreaded binge lurking somewhere down the road.
No meditation or prayer. I read at night and I do exercise regularly although am on a two-week break due to a skin cancer procedure. I will look into meditation. I hear there is a 'way to do it."