Your post is presented very nicely.

I am however unclear of what it is your really looking for .... as I find the post somewhat vague.

Are you and the wife legally divorced or just separated at this time ?
Is she in the program -- AA or Alanon ?

Congrats on working the steps btw.

I have to remember that I most likely will not go thru my life without resentments. They are much less now and more easily handled since Im sober thats for sure.

My resentments start with fear ( which I consider to be the catalyst of all my character defects ) ... fear that I will lose something I already possess or fear that I will lose something I think I deserve. From fear all sorts of defects can come about and rear their ugly heads in my every day life and behavior. Such as : critisism, jealousy, anger, depression.

Do you have a sponsor - If so, what does he say about this ??

welcome!
I can only change that which God has granted me the courage to change. If I do not have the courage today then I will accept it today. If I lack the serenity to accept something which I can't change then I'm f**ked.
When I'm f**ked I call someone and I have yet to find that God has denied them the ability to unf**k me.

Peace,
Rob

For me, more then fear the number one reason I get resentments is due to expectations. What is it that I expect to happen... that maybe isn't happening? Whenever I get a resentment there is an expectation right next to it.

For me, expect nothing and accept everything then I have no resentments...

Hi,
When my wife and I were separated, I had 10 months sobriety.
It did end up in divorce, we had 3 children.
What I remember most clearly is the horror of another man at " My Personal Private Stash".
Drove me nuts. It did not matter that I had brought all this stuff on myself by my drinking and drugging THAT WAS MINE !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Took a while in working the steps and placing these strong issues on paper and confessing them,
before that burning inside me was removed.
4 years later the wonder of the Program did happen. We were re-married in a fine AA -- Alanon
wedding.
I had to walk on fire those four years to find out what was what and allow the program to change me enough so I was safe to have her and the children back.
That was 1983.
Still together. This is one grateful Alcoholic.
Toad

hi happy camper, if you are upfront with her, she has the opportunity to understand your worry and be truthful with you about whether she wants to be a single woman or is wanting to get back together with you.  This is a growth experience for you and you have no control over her, just yourself.  hand the situation over to your HP and say what ever comes of it, ask Him to get you through it without drinking.
  that is just my opinion and a suggestion.
hugs
jj

HI hadder,
It sounds like you are trying to maintain a very long distance relationship with her, and that is hard. We have to keep our expectations from biting us in the butt in a situation like yours. I have to say that I can't imagine bing that far from someone for that long and expecting that they will not venture out and find "insight" elsewhere. Especially if they are alcoholic too, as we tend to be rather lonely people at times.

What are your wishes? Do you wish to get back together with her at some point, and if so, is she aware of this? Placing our intentions on the table is never a bad thing, because then if the other person does not have the same intentions that we do, we can work on coping with this new reality, and move on.

Sometimes the writing is already fully on the wall, but as alcoholics we choose to not look at it. We want our own way and if we do not get it we get filled with disappointemnt, anger, resentment, and self pity. The only way to overcome this is to find the reality in the situation, and then deal with it with our sponsor and support group, so that we can start to heal. Acceptance is the key, as always. But we can't accept something unless we are willing to face it first.

Ok my wishes are to focus on myself right now and I'm doing very well, she is not an alcoholic but we have been apart for along time, but we have been together for a long time and there are kids involved so I agree that I must completly trust God in this issue.
I talked with my sponser today and got a really good answer/s. and thank all of you to thios is a great forum

I'm with Rob on this one

Also, "insight" isn't necessarily "about you" it's probably about alcoholism and the behaviors thereof

we all walk in thinking we are so incredibly unique when in truth everyone I have ever met in AA has turned out to be cookie cutter garden variety alcoholics, with definate patterns of thinking and behavior

Which is why I think the medical association finally started to call alcoholism a "disease" which by definition is "an unhealthy condition of mind and body characterized by specific signs and symptoms" which to me drinking is only a small part of those signs and symptoms quite frankly, it's all the unhealthy thinking patterns whether we drink or not if not addressed that are the "signs and symptoms" to me, so her talking to a sober drunk who has some recovery is not very different then talking to psychriatrist or any other clinical expert about what to expect from anyone in her life with a medical/mental condition

It's frightening when someone pulls our covers unless we have already pulled them ourselves, in which case we invite anyone in to our lives with a smile and allow them to look around themselves, if I have nothing to hide, I have nothing to fear, if I am still hiding stuff of course I will still feel fear, and if I haven't addressed my own problems the idea of someone discussing them without me is terrifying

So when Rob talks about getting with your sponsor and working on yourself it will somehow address your relationship with your wife, it makes as much sense as you saying your car won't start and someone else saying well wash your windows and everything will be better, but it's true, take care of your insides and your outsides will fall into place on their own far better then we could have ever imagined, us running the show is what got us in trouble in the first place