Is this perhaps the most important of the promises?
It's buried in the middle... when it comes to the promises, the ones that usually stand out for me are "We will comprehend the word serenity.." and "We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us".
My attitude and outlook on life was actually one of the FIRST changes to come upon me in sobriety, in fact it was almost immediate. This happened before I had done any of the steps, before I had any defects removed. My attitude and outlook on life, my drinking, myself, and my defects changed almost immediately. It was that change that provided the willingness to keep coming back, and to get into step 2 enough to believe that I *could* change.
This is on my mind because last night I heard an old acquaintance speak in a meeting. He was sober when I first came to AA, something of a ringleader. He was an egomaniac, so was I - I could relate to his sense of humor. He had a period of sobriety, then went back out and did the revolving door for a long time, and now he has some sobriety again. I hadn't really talked to him since he went back out.
In telling his story, he wove the early drinking, early sobriety, revolving door years, and current sobriety together in a way most speakers don't do. Most who have relapsed will describe the events leading up to the relapse, and perhaps some of the "yets" that came about during the drinking period. But he talked about what it felt like to be drinking after some years in AA.
He said "My whole attitude and outlook changed". To that I would add, "back".
This may be the best reason I've ever heard not to relapse! I think sometimes people fantasize that they can go out on a one-night or one-week or one-month binge and then tiptoe back to AA and all will be forgiven. It's not the forgiving that's the problem, it's the tiptoeing back that never happens because - that change, that attitude adjustment that made us willing to walk the walk, has been changed *back* to what it was before. The belief has been lost. And this person showed me how hard it is to get it back. If you can get it back at all.
And this ties right in with another person I know who has never put together any amount of sobriety. I've alluded to my "almost AA girlfriend" a few times. She finally made the news, via a petty crime - the local media here loves reporting petty crimes with a twist. I found it ironic to see her name in the headlines the day after I heard about "my whole attitude and outlook changed back". One of the reasons I was attracted to this person was because I knew she was just like me. Difficult to explain, but in the short time I knew her, I had a recognition of certain thought patterns that I've never seen in another person before. I saw myself in the person I could have become (other than gender chromosomes of course) had only a few things been different. Of course two people that are that much alike are bound to fail in a relationship, and in this case it never even got started. But she has never had that change in attitude. If I can describe it at all, it's just about rigorous honesty. I define that to mean self honesty more than cash register honesty or absolute honesty. Her brain in *every* situation revolved around what she thought she could get away with - constantly calculating odds, looking for that loophole to slip through. I recognized it and it freaked her out - she shut me out completely. But that is exactly how I lived my life before AA. Not on the outside so much as on the inside. The thrill of a gamble taken... and the afterglow basking in "I'm good" when the truth is, "I'm lucky... this time". This girl was, for me, the gamble not taken - or rather, the game was raided before I got my turn at the table and for that I'm grateful. All the good that could come of that relationship - my self realization - has already happened.
And I still hope to some day bump into this person in sober form. I mean, really sober. Not for anything else than to know that a kindred spirit finally got it.
I totally can relate!!! While I could drink way back when, alcohol never "captured" me to the point I felt as if "I NEEDED it" to 'calm the nerves', 'fit in',...'be somebody' or whatever else is used as an excuse to drink. I could go to a bar with ex.AH and drink soda all night, whereby it bothered others more rather than it bothered me. Pregnant with my first, wanting a healthy baby, of course, I didn't drink. And when I wrapped my arms around that tiny little bundle of innocence I somehow knew in my heart that alcohol just wasn't a part of the scheme of things for MY life. When my three children began 'testing' the waters regarding alcohol, battles ensued. By then close friends had passed; alcohol involved in their deaths. I had known others who had lost everything in this life because of alcohol. I certainly relayed these stories over and over and over. However, living with someone who on a daily basis drank, made it difficult to get my point across. One son imparticular had a friend whose parents allowed parties almost every wkend. (I was told that the mother of this person was usually right there with the kids drinking. UGH!) Simultaneously, my marriage was falling apart, ex's affair was uncovered and his drinking was escalating. I wasn't handling any of it very well. Son was doing other stuff that was feared going to land him in trouble. Ex. moved out. My once happy little home was like a warzone.......somewhere along the way....I was loosing my parental authority and once abided by curfews, rules and such were be tossed aside. Son became angry and hateful towards me with the slightest mention of 'this is how it is to be....' He moved out in a rage. I did not chase his rear. (By then I had gotten some insight into AA.) It was hard emotionally to 'let go', yet I did. Fast forward.......Sept. 11th....a week ago he got married. Was told before hand......he'd chosen with no one's help a song that he thought best fit his and my relationship. He led me to the dance floor and said "Mom please listen to the words carefully" and then held me so tightly I could barely breathe as the song began. He buried his head in my shoulder. He began crying in turn I cried. He kissed me over and over and kept saying, "I love you, Mom". The song, '20 yrs. late' by Aaron Lines. There is a line in it that says, "you were Judge and Jury". The point......yes, one's outlook on life is very much correct. I had dated, married and lived with a person who drank. I had no control over HIS drinking. I HAD control over mine. In a very short time....someone I had admired, loved and respected became a totally different person. I became different as well. My children became different. Outlooks of the world were sort of dismal. About the only things that didn't change were #1 faith in God (or HP) that was instilled in a very young age. Whether a day was joyful/happy or opposite my head never hits the pillow without speaking to the Man Upstairs in prayer. #2 I will always have the belief that sobriety yeilds to life far more "riches" than consumption. I maintained those beliefs throughout the rough patches. #3 Hope (disguised by determination) there would be better days and my family (kids) would grow into responsible adults, understand where my heart lay and why I stood my ground on sobriety in turn respect and love me for that. My kids, all in their 20's now, responsible adults, take their jobs seriously. I watched my two sons marry this year and daughter soon will. Their consumption has dwindled DRASTICALLY. Other more important things have taken priority. Their outlooks on life.......wonderful..... And I smile....... 20 yrs late.....'your most welcomed son. I love you with all my heart!' Aaaaahhhhhh......sobriety.....outlook on life.........great. (20 yrs. late......'thank you God')
