I've hit some kind of a wall here and am not sure what to do about it. It's primarily work-related stress, and I'm having a real tough time "letting go and letting God". I've never gotten a bad performance review, in fact never gotten ANYTHING but but good feedback and raises from my bosses, but it seems like no matter what I do, it's not appreciated by other departments, and there's always some numskull waiting in the wings to bring up some trivial issue and imply laziness and conflicts of interest and who knows what, just because their little corner of the universe isn't all rainbows and skittles that day. I feel (irrationally) that every body's trying to trip me up and catch me in some convoluted thing where I can't control the outcome or defend myself. I'm worried (irrationally again) that my normally supportive boss, who praises my ability to work independently, is going to respond to some unsubstantiated complaint and throw me under the bus for political expediency. This is really sucking away the ability to enjoy anything about my life. I'm going on 2 weeks of vacation soon but I know I won't enjoy it because my inbox will just be full of unaddressed problems when I get back. I spent the whole weekend moping around worrying, and now I'm just going to go to bed.
I know the answer is "do step 4", "do step 10", but no matter how many resentments I let go of, the SAME people keep coming up with NEW stuff to throw at me, so there's one more thing I have to cram down the serenity hole.
OBVIOUSLY this is nuts, I KNOW the whole world can't be out to get me, but it sure does hurt, and booze sure makes a great temporary off switch. Not really thinking seriously about using, just remembering how comforting oblivion sometimes was.
Thanks for tolerating my vent, God bless all.
-- Edited by zzworldontheweb on Tuesday 7th of September 2010 07:28:34 PM
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Venting is good. What I saw in your post was not living in today ..... Vacation isn't even here yet, but you know it will suck! You already know that it will suck when you get back. Also How can you know what your boss is thinking??? Serenity prayer maybe???
zzworldontheweb wrote:Not really thinking seriously about using, just remembering how comforting oblivion sometimes was.
Thanks for tolerating my vent, God bless all.
-- Edited by zzworldontheweb on Tuesday 7th of September 2010 07:28:34 PM
Good for you for venting....think the whole obilivion thing through. If I remember correctly oblivion didn't last long and the aftermath was never good. I remember when I woke up from oblivion what I got were shakes, hallucinations and a very empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. Plus very low self-esteem because I caved again. How about keeping things in the moment. If you think things are going to turn to crap then they most likely will. Just my thoughts.
Aloha ZZ...Sounds like you're in the fear zone again and yes 4 or 10 is a good out door...inventory isn't always about resentments about this that them or those guys...for me inventory is standing outside of myself and looking back and asking "so what's really going on with you?" If I've gotten some less than gracious feed back from others I can ask myself "Is it true what they're saying about Jerry F?" My inventories have always been about finding out about the person I've lived my entire life with and knew nothing about...me. Searching, fearless, moral, honest and willing to amend.
It's a rocky patch...not quick sand and it's only a patch not the whole road. Call your sponsor and tell your sponsor...I've got work to do and need your tools. Then tell your HP when the get-together is.
It's good that you decided to express your feelings even if you realize they are irrational.
In today's economy I'm sure a lot of corporate vultures putting down others to help protect their jobs.
This is another one of those situations that you will ultimately grow from.
My suggestions would be:
Express your concerns with your boss, hopefully this will ease your concerns.
Physical exercise always helps to clear my mind and put things in perspective.
We have a guy who is 33 years sober, attends meetings in my area who is can't walk and is permanently in a wheelchair. He got sober @ age 19, at age 24 he pulled over to help a disabled car along the road and was then hit by another car and suffered his paralyzing injury.
He always ends his comments with "don't take yourself so seriously".
I hope this can help.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I learned in sobriety that I had to throw away my crystal ball ... it was always lying to me. There is absolutely NO possible way for me to predict the future and when I try to do this, Im full of fear.
Fear is the catalyst of all my character defects . From the fear stems all sorts of sickness ... jealousy, critisism, anger, etc.
I really see no reason for a 4th step. A good talk with your sponsor, and maybe looking over steps 6 & 7, and then quite surely a 10th step.
I have found for me that worry is tormenting myself with my own thoughts. I did that SO much when I was drinking -- ie: dang it, got drunk again, who did i piss off now, wheres the pick up truck, all my money is gone, where did this bruise come from, or worse yet, broken bone, did i fall down, man my head hurts, call in sick to work, how am i gonna pay for a drunk driving charge, my licence is gone, etc, etc, etc. ( you get the picture, continued pain, shame, guilt, fear, and so much suffering ).
Thank God Im sober today and free of all that !!!
When I focus on the bad stuff, my life stinks. When I focus on the good , my life sings !!
A grateful alcoholic will not drink. Counting my blessings , and checking my self pity and ego on a regular basis helps me to to live just one more day.
Sponsorship is crucial in my opinion. Sponsors have walk through these issues before and can assist you with gaining a perspective, pointing out your part in all this and then help you apply the steps and God to your issues.
Pain shared is hopefully pain lessened,I also would suggest getting a sponsor to help you get out face to face what you are feeling..Seeing yourself coming is very important step,having some suggestions also help get you back on the road,..Look inside ,see whats going on...Be honest with all, as it is the antidote to our diseased thinking..Glad you are here,keep coming back........
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I've been there zz, and it's no fun. When I struggle with things like this my sponsor tells me to trust God, clean house, and help others. Some days it's all I can do to deal with my own problems let alone throw other people's stuff on top of it. All I try to deal with today is me. I can't make others change, and don't try to. My sponsor tells me when I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick, look inward first...like what Jerry and Mike were saying. What part of me is causing this? What can I do to make it different? If I'm thorough, honest, and fearless I will almost always find what my part is in the situation. Then I can start to change and fix things within me. Many times I find that I'm placing expectations on others, reasonable or not. When others don't live up to my expectations, I lose my serenity, and start off on the whole "life aint fair" pity party thing that I'm so good at. I have to remember to focus only on me and not care so much what others are doing. Today, I'm glad life is not fair. I don't want to get what I deserve. LOL
Just a curious question here. Have you been actively working the steps with someone, or are you trying to do it alone? I can't tell you how many times I did it alone, and always ended up drunk again. Have you done a step 5 with anyone yet? For me, that was both a humbling and freeing experience. It's my understanding (and I could be wrong) that the steps were meant to be worked with a sponsor or someone else who has already completed them. Maybe it's time to "step up your game" and get a sponsor and work the steps with them.
I see what you mean Reffner. I guess my primary unmet expectation is that people will base their opinions and expectations of ME on facts and reason, and will act accordingly, and will check in with each other to make sure their demands don't conflict! But I know that's probably never going to happen in human society, so I need to get used to it!
I guess part of the reason I don't have a sponsor is that I'm unsure what to expect. I often hear them described as close friends and confidants who will share burdens, but then I read things that say to manage your expectations of a sponsor, that they're primarily there to lead one through the steps and hold one accountable.
Never done the steps with anyone directly, we did do a think in my outpatient program where we talked about things we were ashamed of, and that was pretty cathartic, but we didn't directly call it Step 5. As a Christian I do a lot of introspection since becoming sober, and try to ask myself if I'm handling a situation humbly and meekly (usually the answer is NO, but I'm working on it).
Thanks again guys.
-- Edited by zzworldontheweb on Wednesday 8th of September 2010 05:15:58 PM
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
When I was having similar problems and issues at work, my sponsor had me read To the Employer in the big book. I helped me to drop the drama a bit. Not really saying that what you are describing is not real or credible, but you are shaping your own reality by giving life to it. It really is your choice to leave it at the door when you go home and to just pretend the little arguments and bickering at work does not exist until it is truly confronting you. Anyhow, jobs are important, BUT...there is no job worth killing yourself over, no job worth getting drunk and relapsing over, and no job is worth losing your peace of mind over. You do not need to live in fear. If it is in God's will for some petty BS to cost you your job, then the job obviously was not a healthy place for you and something better suited is out there for you. Have faith and not fear. (Sometimes easier said than done I know)
Mark
Also...I just read that you don't have a sponsor....Why would you deny yourself one of the best benefits of being in the program? You can hold onto "trust issues" if you want, but how are they serving you? It doesn't sound like you are too trusting of your coworkers and peers so you might as well start practicing trust with a sponsor.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 8th of September 2010 11:05:18 PM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
