This page in the Big Book, which we read tonight at a BB study, in the Chapter "To Wives" at the bottom of page 118:
"Another feeling that we are very likely to entertain is one of resentment that love and loyalty could not cure our husbands...." (of alcoholism.... but in my case, of cheating, of being a workaholic, of being GONE and neglectful .... despite my best efforts...)
This frickin' HURTS and hurts BADLY. So much so, that the truth of it almost burst me into tears at the meeting... but it did not happen until I got home.
Lack of control over others. Even when that control is attempted through things like love, support and forgiveness. What the HELL???????????????????????? My GOD, more powerlessness, and hit in the face with it.
I am totally and completely powerless over men. There, I said it. And I am now terrified of them. I see that men are individual human beings, with quite the same FREE WILL and choices that I have been given in life. And like me, they screw up too. One would think that this realization might make me feel better, but it doesn't.
Pity party galore..... Trying real hard to let the love of God get through my iron helpless heart tonight...... to bed I go with the only unconditional love that I can actually "touch" right now.... my dog and cat.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Hi Joni, Yes, I can attest to the resentment. The alcohol, the affair, not being there for events for our children. And love was just not enough! It took me along time to work through it. Pivotal point came when I chose to call him in regards to our daughter being in trouble in her pregnancy about a month before my grandson was born. OMG he was the nastiest he'd ever been to me......name calling, accusations, you name it. Try as hard as I could to go back to why I'd called him, he would not let up! All falsehoods of his imagination and I knew as soon as I called and heard his voice he had been drinking/was drunk. After, I asked HP to please 'give me the grace to move on and not allow his actions and words to get to me'. It was granted! We've had to attend social events because of our kids since that night. I steer clear of him completely. In May, our oldest son was married and ex and I were placed at the same table. Already had seen the amt. of whiskey going into his tumblers. One remark about 'thank you (for behaving). We are all getting along' led to my excusing myself quickly from his presence. I went on to enjoy the evening tremendously! At a party hosted by son #2 to celebrate his upcoming nuptials ex. sought me out. I was unprepared for him, however...... A few words led to a heart to heart. Certain comments led me to think he has regrets. His health is trully in a bad shape! I felt no adimosity, bitterness, wanting revenge, ect. I also did not feel like crying over lost love. The words exchanged were bittersweet. We parted with a hug. I'm trully past it all. You will get through this. Keep working the steps and centering on the REAL reason you have gotten into the program. And pray.....keep on praying. I am a firm believer in prayer. Working through all the negative emotions, yes, is hard. Behind every cloud there IS SUNSHINE! Prayers going up for you. Hugs, W
I know the feeling of going to bed alone. Just my cats to comfort me. Being powerless over anything is hard to chew sometimes. In order to remain sober we have to admit we are powerless. You just did it. We are powerless over every other person. It's OK. Do you journal? Maybe it would help to write down how you are powerless over men. Just like we are powerless over alcohol, drugs, the weather, even the opinions other people have about us. I am sorry you are hurting. I hope this morning finds you in better spirits.
Hey JJ, As alcoholics, we are over the top on many parts of our lives, not just drinking. Sex, spending, drugs--we are always overdoing many things. Its all part of escaping like taking small vacations through our excesses. Thats why the program has us do a fearless look back and then make amends for those actions (as long as the amends do not hurt others). You are not alone. We flashback to things we may not have made amends for and there is nothing wrong with making them a bit late. As far as men go, there are 12 step programs for everything. If you feel like your sex life is out of control, find a forum for that and work on it. Easy does it. Fix one thing at a time, and make your sobriety first. Without sane thinking, you can not focus on other areas of your life that may need improvement. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
A hard pill to swallow but a very very important milestone in my sobriety was when I came to realize that I have no control over anyone or anything but myself.
When I surrendered and quit trying to mold people into what I thought they should be I started to get serenity and peace.
I love the modification of our Serenity Prayer that goes:
"God grant me the Serenity to accept the PEOPLE that I cannot change. The courage to change the ONE PERSON that I can and the wisdom to know that it is ME"
If I keep that in my mind things just keep getting better.
Larry, ---------- If you get to thinking that you are a person of some influence, try ordering someone elses dog around. --Will Rogers
Joni! I can only say I am in prayer for you...I have also cried myself to sleep out of a stupor at times,and other times from a broken heart and spirit.Only the power of the God of my understanding could bring me peace,that surpasses all understanding.At times I couldn't even let that in....In support.... time and distance can help to heal, I am in the process of doing the same from my son who is no longer in my life...time and distance and the strength of God...I hear your heart crying and am with you in spirit! In life we will face death,loss,failure,heartache but we must "never again" take that first step back to oblivion..Give your kitties an dog an extra hug!!! If God is for us,who can be against us!!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
It would seem the therapist/nurse/healer/fixer persona is deep rooted...All too familiar with it. It might help your grief Joni to remember that you did fall in love with your ex for a reason. Yes, you can do much better....And for now, you are better on your own. Yeah, he treated you like crap in some ways...BUT, you did have good times or you wouldn't have married him in the first place. Right now, it all still hurts too much I'm sure. But, it's a learning experience and don't regret the past too much. You didn't know it was going to turn out the way it did. You didn't do anything wrong by loving him and I think he may have loved you the best he knew how even though it was warped and messed up on his part. The message I guess I am sending are things you already know from being in the program...Don't regret the past and work on letting go. Some people enter your life for a reason, a season, or a life time. It is not up to us to determine which one of those 3 things it's gonna be with someone. Only God knows that. Keep truckin Joni.
Love, Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Sorry your heart is hurting... YOu have said that you and Josh talk regularly in a friendly way....
Have you thought about writing to him, and opening up about the deep pain that you feel and have felt for a while now over his thoughlessness.
You know how we sometimes do a Grief letter to Alcohol, I did one, with a strong suggeston to do so at a Womans Recovery home I was staying at for 30-60 days. It just poured out of me, how my very best friend I ever had, had turned on me, and was threatening to take my life....it was so so helpful...it helped me put a period on the sentence of staying and working a strong program one day at a time.
Writen expression is very very healing, something that really might help get directly into that internal struggle I hear in you and letting it go....
As far as being the betrayer, one that I have always consided a blessing....with a Prayer to God/if someone is going to betray someone, please let me be the one that is betrayed, I will get over it someday.....I have found that what a beloved young brother of mine that OD ed, and died after really being the Poster Boy for AA for over 2 years, I was talking once to him outside the meeting that we always attended....telling him the pain I felt about being horrible betrayed by two of my best friends that we now gone and off on their own....he just gave me a big smile, put his hands on my shoulders and said, "Toni, just let that pain be there til its not....and someday CLEARLY you will see that when someone Hurts You, It is on THEM, and you will be FREE and not have to live with the pain of hurting someone that was a loyal friend"...
Joni, never forgot that, and found it to be so true...
Hugs to you sweet friend....
"Remember Sunshine... always follows the Rain".
Tonicakes
-- Edited by Just Toni on Tuesday 7th of September 2010 03:56:27 PM
Thank you all immensely. And from the depths of my heart.
You know, when I first decided to start seriously working the AA program again after the complacency, and relapsing, and separation and the "Oh SHIT I am starting all over in EVERY aspect of my life" period, the pain manifested itself in anger. And that is the point at which, about a month or so ago, when I was ready to again do a thorough Step 4, and it was the most honest, searching and fearless moral invnetory I have ever done. And in Step 5 the root of my troubles became clear; all the sick thinking and behavior in my whole life was rooted in one Fear- the fear of abandonment. And from it came "old ideas", like "I will never be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, worthy enough, to NOT be abandoned and left behind." And from this FEAR of abandonment, and these old ideas spawn from that FEAR, I have drank, and lied, and pretended, and reached out to other things and other people for wholeness, and they failed to deliver unconditional love, because they were all humans who could not practice unconditional love perfectly (or in the way I wanted it), just as I can't practice it either.
Me being entirely ready to have God remove the FEAR and the defects that it causes me to have came easily with this realization, but in humbly asking him to remove the shortcomings, I know that it is a process, not an event. And it is a process that hurts, and leaves me feeling very vulnerable and less-than. I am trying to put this New Life which is a square peg, into a round hole. And the peg doesn't fit every day, and it hurts because I am trying to JAM it into the hole. Lots more letting go is needed here, and some days it is easier than others.
And although it may seem "TMI" for the guys here, I will have to say that the lunar cycles we women deal with can make it so that I am more vulnerable to feeling low at some times than others. Case in point for the past few days. (Again, sorry men, but then, you already know this, as your worlds are also filled with women... )
Today was a fantastic day. It consited of my getting to sleep quickly and easily after I shared my pain here. God blessed me with easy sleep, and the first day at my new job was so wonderfully busy, with so many new things to learn and so many wonderful smart women there to get to know, the challenge of it all gave me peace and confidence. All things at their proper time. I love to work. It gets me out of myself. I feel blessed to be in a field that I totally and fully love. Regardless of the personal circumstances in my life, I am grateful today for what I DO have, and also grateful for the things I have lost. Because some of the things I have lost I needed to lose so that I can be happier in the future.
That caretaker in me has been utilized today in the RIGHT way, in my work. And I am blessed to have that, as although no job can fill the deepest void we have, it is by giving in ANY good way that we can, that helps us to heal. Onward and upward.
(((( a thousand hugs go out to you all for the love and prayers.))))
jonijoni
-- Edited by jonijoni1 on Tuesday 7th of September 2010 05:27:55 PM
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
And in Step 5 the root of my troubles became clear; all the sick thinking and behavior in my whole life was rooted in one Fear- the fear of abandonment. And from it came "old ideas", like "I will never be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, worthy enough, to NOT be abandoned and left behind." And from this FEAR of abandonment, and these old ideas spawn from that FEAR, I have drank, and lied, and pretended, and reached out to other things and other people for wholeness, and they failed to deliver unconditional love, because they were all humans who could not practice unconditional love perfectly (or in the way I wanted it), just as I can't practice it either.
Me being entirely ready to have God remove the FEAR and the defects that it causes me to have came easily with this realization, but in humbly asking him to remove the shortcomings, I know that it is a process, not an event. And it is a process that hurts, and leaves me feeling very vulnerable and less-than. I am trying to put this New Life which is a square peg, into a round hole. And the peg doesn't fit every day, and it hurts because I am trying to JAM it into the hole. Lots more letting go is needed here, and some days it is easier than others.
jonijoni
(((Joni))) Oh, how I know these feelings! I am sending a cyper ((((((hug)))))) It hurts go grow.
A New Life (as Bill sees It page 8)
Is sobriety all that we are to expect of a spiritual awakening? No, sobriety is ony a bare beginning; it is only the first gift of the first awakening. If more gifts are to be received, our awakening has to go on. As it does go on, we find that bit by bit we can discard the old life--the one that did not work--for a new life tha can and does work under any conditions whatever.
Regardless of worldly success or failure, regardless of pain or joy, regardless of sickness or health or even of death itself, a new life of endless possibilities can be lived if we are willing to continue our awakening, through the practice of A.A.'s Twelve Steps.
This one page helps me a ton. You are not alone in your feelings.
I am happy you are enjoying your new job! It is a wonderful thing to have a job that you like to go to. The fantastic days can continue to come as long as we don't pick up that first drink/drug.
Every time I read something in the book, I may find a new or different meaning than the previous time I read it depending on my growth.
I am not always powerless over ppl and the book tells me this. I gain power to help others thru my reliance upon God and the continued practice and application of the steps.
However , so many times in my life I do not have control over what other ppl say or how they behave. And that is in the ' Live and let Live ' department
Sometimes the pain we suffer is not just for ourselves, but that we might empathise with another and help them in ways it is not possible if we haven't the shared experience.
Of course I often forget this...I think it is wonderful that you admitted you were powerless over men....I must do the same thing with women...and people in general, because of the description of the alcoholic .....
I hope that ...well if we are powerless over others...shall our actions then be ones of love? Since we've nothing to gain by trying to control them...
the iron heart of self pity...lol...well i hope by now a new wind has blown and you are out of chains and on a fairer tack...
Ciamar, I think the point of loving is for the sake of love itself, regardless of whether it is reciprocated. I think when we act on love, we get back even if it is not directly. Loving thoughts and actions are just better chemistry for our minds and souls to be filled with.
Susan, when I have felt hopeless, but did nto pick up a drink/drug, I always feel more serentiy flow in once the triggering thoughts and feelings subside, even if they will be "baaaaa-aaaack" at some later point.
As a dear friend put it the other night at a meeting, we alcohlics have a hard time living with emotions. And for us, when we experience anger, we are usually not just experienceing TODAY'S anger, but anger going way back, unresolved, and whomever ticks us off right now triggers angers from as far back as kindergarten!! So not ONLY are we dealing day to day with anger and emotions from today, but from years and years back, which is too much for one person to deal with. And thus, the steps... to clear the old garbage, and help us to get to a point where if we get angry TODAY, we only have today's anger to deal with and that is manageable. I liked this synopsis a lot and glad it was shared.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Interesting. Could one of the purposes of love be the changes it makes in the person giving the love, as much as the benefit of the one receiving it? I think some authors would say so.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
"I think the point of loving is for the sake of love itself, regardless of whether it is reciprocated."
Yes...another recovering alcoholic put it to me this way: at the end of that movie Dances with Wolves, Costner's character is given a pipe by the old man....he then turns around and gives him a rifle or something.
The pipe was a gift of love from the old man. Costner's character made it into a trade.
