Ever get aggrevated at AA "cliques"? Get this....I go to a district cookout in an area I have never been to. I know not one single person and no one has ever seen me. I could be a scared newcomer, an out-of-towner, or even someone who wandered in by mistake. NO ONE..not one single person among the 60-80 gathered said "hello" or EVER made any overture to welcome me or even acknowledge that I was there. I literally got my plate like I was invisible, sat a table with others, and watched them for ten minutes as they continued to chit-chat and play cards without so much as eye contact with me, sitting right there at the same table, pleasant smile on my face!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm just letting off some steam, so please don't tell me I "should" have just introduced myself. I know how to do that-that's not the point. If I were a newcomer I would probably have left and never come back. That's what galled me about this bunch...they were so self-absorbed that no one even "noticed" the "stranger". That did not speak well for that district! (A whole freakin' district picnic- and not so much as a "hi" --think about it!!!!!!)
yeh ive had a few experiences where no one has said hello and ive left wondering how many new comers might of been put off. But also sometimes ive said hello myself and thats started the ball rolling and theyve then included me. And ive had more times when people have offered help when im out of town, thankfully. But yeh i get it cause if i was a newcomer i would feel rotten if no one welcomed me.aint nice.
Thanks for sharing that. I will now remember it and always make sure I say hi, to the people I don't know. I think I already do that, but now I will for sure make a point. It was a very good point to make leeu!
Wel you said it, it sure does not speak well for the District.
This brought back a very vivid memory, or my traveling to a different area, Mill Valley, known for their yuppydome, but anyway did not connect it to AA.
I walk up to the greeter and smiled, no one greeted me, everyone was just jabbering with their friends, and ignored me completely. Funny thing is I had been in great therapy for about 3 out of the follow 4 years, and when I was a child, too terrified to speak my mind ever....so now armed with this new freedom to speak up when things were obviously very wrong, I sat down in the meeting, listened for almost the whole hour, and 10 minutes before the meeting was to be over, (thank goodness I was sitting in the back) I rose my hand, and stood up and said, "Well I saw this meeting in the AA meeting schedule, but seems like I have not been in real AA, all I have listened to is how someone got a better job, with a lot of money attached, and how most of the shares were just about how to brage about what recovery has given them, in material things.....well that's all I have, but in my schedule think I will just write in MONEY AND CAR MEETING....BUT i WISH YOU ALL A VERY BLESSED RECOVERY....." then I got up and walked out of there, so fast, of course never went back....
Lee, I had maybe three years, and did learn a lot from my own actions, like refraime from words and actions when upset.
So be happy you did not embarrass yourself. But maybe write a letter to that District office. Maybe they are unaware of their own blindsidedness....who knows....
HUGS DEAR, think of you at times and wonder if you are a single person or did that SO return to homebase??
Hey Lee I hear you.We have a speaker jam(every quarter,Saturday homegroup puts it on) speakers from Tri- state area attend etc..Had an addict ,who came from a distance,was also a ordained minister,get up on the stage and continue to share the same thing""no one greeted her,made her feel comfortable,talked with her and she said right out,before she shared, it is a poor representation of "one helping another" It also reflected on our service structure of "door greetings " and members of group making sure all are welcome.(too much focus on raffle tickets,food in the kitchen, etc)Group conscience meeting after that worked on ensuring that would never happen again,but the stigma of 'Men Do Recover" group as projected will be felt for a bit.. Yes in groups and clubs and areas and events there probably will always be 'cliques" but our primary purpose,definitely not served if we do not at least make "all' feel welcome...newcomer, 30 year person,just coming back,just getting ready to go out..etc..Thanks for reminder to always take that extra step to :hug" somebody or welcome them even if your new and there not!!! Peace my friend.
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
In my early days in AA, I looked forward to "events" such as cookouts, Christmas parties, dances, even "eatin' meetin's" where there's a circuit speaker and everybody brings food. While these things involve AA people and *can* be "real AA", they don't necessarily have to be.
I generally find most AA people are at their best in regular meetings, are most likely to welcome a newcomer and be actively working step 12. Outside that environment, such as a cookout, people are more there to hang with their friends and have fun, and may not be thinking of the newcomer at all.
One of the absolute worst experiences I ever had in AA was at a group anniversary speaker meeting. It wasn't one I regularly attended, my sponsor suggested it for a good lead and free food. The church meeting room was completely overcrowded, by the time I got through the food line the good stuff was gone. My sponsor sat at a table with his oldtimer cronies, didn't save me a seat. I ended up sitting on a baseboard heater at the back of the room holding my paper plate with some cold dregs on it. But that wasn't the part that sucked...
The "oldtimer" who spoke at the meeting proceeded to talk - for over 70 minutes - about his visits to his grandkids and his last three vacations. I kept waiting for him to get to the part about alcoholism, AA, sobriety. It never quite came around. It's the only time in 21 years I ever left an AA meeting *pissed*.
Oddly enough, that wasn't the worst speaker I ever heard. My old Tuesday group once had a speaker who talked the entire time about his many surgeries for work related injuries, how many rods, pins, staples, and stitches were in his back and legs. Never a single mention of alcohol. But I had a comfortable seat, and I enjoyed watching the people in the room - especially the many young people - sit and fidget, exchanging glances and eye rolls. About 15-20 minutes into this, people began leaving. At 30 minutes, they were getting up and leaving in large groups. The meeting started with 60 people, and ended with maybe 18. But, I wasn't pissed when it was over, and was actually kind of patting myself on the back for sticking it out. I figure some day I might need to just vent about pain, and would be nice if somebody listened.
Interestingly enough, the guy who sponsored "Mr. Back Pain" was a respected oldtimer, who took on a lot of tough cases as sponsees. One of them was a guy who got to run the meeting for a month. He was so dull, people used to fall asleep in between his sentences. When that month was up, he was invited back as the featured speaker the first week of the next month. I (and I suspect many others) cringed at the prospect. But, we were treated to one of the most honest, humble, and genuinely funny leads I've ever heard. Good enough that some months later, I invited him to come and speak at my home group. So you just never know.
Heck, I might be persuaded to talk about my vacations and grandkids for 70 minutes or more. But hopefully not when I'm supposed to be leading an AA meeting
Wow Lee, almost unbelievable. I would definately be praying for those ppl, and ... I too would write a nice little note to the district on a group level, or maybe even attend one of their group meetings and share your experience.
I gotta remember sometimes that not everybody in AA is well.
I had a similar experience. I got lost trying to find a meeting when I was fresh out of rehab and ended up walking in about 20 min late. I sat down and a few minutes later I raised my hand to share. The leader said "I'm sorry honey, but since you were late you are not aloud to share. I was so embarrassed! A few minutes later they had a break and all the women (there were only 4 at this meeting) immediately huddled together and completely ignored me. I went outside and walked off to the side of the building with tears rolling down my face. I asked God how I was supposed to be able to do this on my own!! Then before I even realized what I was doing I was walking back into the room, I walked straight up to the group of women, stuck out my hand and said "Hi, my name is Sue". That was one of the time when God carried me!
Not all meetings are great nor are the people in them. Had I been a newcomer or had not turned to God I would have been lost. However this experience has taught me one thing....when I see someone new at a meeting I always go out of my way to introduce myself and make them feel welcome.
I was told that if I've never been to a bad meeting, I haven't been to enough. I tend to go along with what Barisax had to say. It may have been that there were people that hadn't been in contact for a while and they were spending time catching up. Maybe they were old friends who hadn't talked in a while. When I think of going to AA functions other than AA I don't usually consider there may be many newcomers there. Not that they aren't welcome, but it seems to me like the ones around our area aren't really into the social aspect of the fellowship yet. I'm quite certain there were no intentions of "keeping you out". Maybe it was just an assumption that you were there with others or that you already knew allot of the people there. Whatever it was, they had no way of knowing who you were or your length in the program because you didn't tell them. I recognize newcomers at my home group meetings, but at other meetings and social events I have no idea unless I open my mouth and find out. Sadly, just like most things in life, there's still the "in crowd" and the cliques. I have to remember that some people are sicker than others.
This seems to have struck a chord. Sounds like we've all been to some unhelpful meetings. I know I have. Sorry you have to put up with that Leeu.
I wonder if maybe we're expecting too much out of AA. I've found that people who are younger, thinner, better looking, and better dressed tend to get more attention in meetings, just like they would in any other social setting.
In my town, they ask at the beginning of meetings whether anyone is from out of town or attending for the first time. Was that done in this case? If not, could that be explained by it being a "picnic" rather than an actual "meeting"?
There could also be some element of newcomer fatigue to it. Some people seem to take it pretty hard when sponsees fall off the wagon, and some others may have seen so many people come and go they they just get guarded about it.
Just a few random thoughts...
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
