So I started working on my fourth step today. My sponsor suggested that I get it done in 2 weeks, so I procrastinated for 6 days but started it today. I know the fear many have of this step. I didn't feel this way. I felt that if I was grounded spritually in steps 2 and 3 my HP would guide me.
So the resentments flowed readily and easily. But when I got to fears it was work. Searching the recesses of the brain isn't easy, and the memories you fiind aren't always pleasant. I had to stop after about an hour because it was draining, but I'll pick it up again tomorrow. Not really looking forward to sex conduct and other harms but this is the start of my street cleaning.
While I know I'll do this step again in the future I want to be as searching and fearless as possible. I really look forward to working the steps and learning to live my life as 10-12 teach us.
Hmmm...my understanding is that steps one-two-and three take care of anything yet to come; not that our human emotions will magically leave us--fear, anger, shame, sadness etc etc, --but that all we have to do is take the next step, and the next, and wow!! WHAT A PAYOFF. 12 promises, a spiritual awakening, a conscious contact providing guidance and protection, the joy of helping others. Step four is a wonderful door to open and pass through. And it is the only passageway to discovering the gifts to come with door #5, 6 and so on.
-- Edited by leeu on Tuesday 31st of August 2010 07:35:32 PM
I only got upset doing it when i got to my most recent relationships that i was still not over completely. Other than that, I'd been sober long enough by the time I got to step 4 that most every character defect and wrong doing I'd engaged in had already hit my awareness and nothing was a surprise. Also, when I came into AA, I was afraid of just about everything...though I didn't acknowledge it all at once. Anyhow, the point of a thorough step 4 is so that you know what character defects keep popping up as a pattern throughout your life and then you know which defects to ready yourself to let go of and to then ask to be removed. It's all for the best....Furthermore, remember that whatever you did in the past, you generally were not doing because you were trying to be evil and wrong people. You are searching for enlightenment and this is good. Many people never bother to be accountable in their lives at all or to admit they have fears which have governed their behavior in maladaptive ways. Do something nice for yourself for every few hours you work on step 4...You gotta balance things out...also remember that many of your defects are counterbalanced by assets too.
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Great work Patrick! Very mature execution. The way I looked at it is to face the past is the only way to secure the future. We will always need to maintain all the steps to survive, but step 4 really establishes the base of our future because it is a concrete documentation of where we were and where we do not want to ever be again. Tom
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