Got a sponsor but...

susanbiel · Veteran Member

Got a sponsor but...

Reffner · Senior Member

Did she ask it in a "I'm just kidding. No, but seriously" way? If it was a serious comment, that is a little odd. She should be dealing with the AA stuff, but it's also good to get to know a sponsee in a more "personal" way if you know what I mean. I like to know more about who I sponsor so I know when he's trying to BS me. The relationship I have with my sponsor is a good friendship, with boundaries thrown in for both of our own well being. The guy I sponsor now has only been my sponsee for a few weeks, so I'm still getting to know his personality. That said, It's important to me and the guys I sponsor to start working the steps as soon as we can. As far as calling, she may have some things going on that has caused her not to call you back. I see no problem in calling her again. I would suggest you give it a little more time, and see what happens. Good luck.

Brian

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Sometimes I gotta look at the solutions from the angle "this is a consequence of my
choice." Should I make a different one? My gut rarely lies. Drinking years it was
what I had because my mind was so messed up. I had my instincts.

I've had some great sponsors during this journey in recovery along with the
realization that they and I all come from the same cup so my expectations got real
wide about what I would witness and participate in if I choose so. I know that I was
taught courage in the face of this cunning, powerful and baffling disease and sometimes
I have to exercise that courage by doing what you have done and ask for clarification
over the phone or face to face. I have learned to allows even my sponsor to stumble
because I am allowed that myself. I love the lessons on don't judge and clarify (my
alcoholic brain has busted filters) and accept and forgive. The fear of people, places
and things and...goes away and then I'm free.

Of course if after you attempt to clarify you still feel like a possible free lunch go
back to the reality that you won't do it. Simple statement and honest. smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 25th of August 2010 04:07:07 PM

Rainspa · Senior Member

I once moved states, and soon got a new sponsor. Not too much time had passed and the new sponsor "borrowed" some very expensive things from me that she wouldn't give back. There were excuses, and I was very hesitant to insist.

When I called my old sponsor, and told her I'd asked for my things back and what should I do she was very clear: If the anwer isn't "I'm so sorry, and sorry to put you in the position of having to ask me" then her advice was:

Run, do not walk away.

Long story short I did.
I got a sponsor that had a very good program and didn't need anything from me.

The new borrowing ex-sponsor turned out to be a con woman.

So, I'd say don't worry too much about who calls who, but you might look for a different sponsor.

happinessisawarmgun · Veteran Member

Sounds really sketchy.

slugcat · Senior Member

Sponsors are human yeh i would run too. Its really good you are able to see its not OK and to get away unharmed too much, though it can be unsettling when/if a sponsor acts not so good! good for you for doing something about it. I hope you find a good one. I used to have a good sponsor she ended doing some things that really went against the traditions in a big way. She was great up until that time and really helped me, though i then stopped seeing her. my point is i think its good to keep our eyes and ears on alert and trust ourselves if things dont sound right.

louisa · Senior Member

Hello (((Susan)))
I really don't like this one bit. Frankly even if she meant it as a joke it is an unwise joke to make with a sponsee - particularly so early on!!! A comment like that would unnerve me. It is her lack of judgement I am calling into question.

Me having to spend time wondering if she meant it as a joke or not would play on my mind. As has been said, my gut instinct has never let me down - but trying to convince my mind of things has.

In my experience, sponsors that say stuff like that in a "jokey" way often DO have a hope of some kind of "return" on their investment....other than the pure and healthy one described in the Big Book. I HATE hints. I had a sponsor exactly like that and I thought "Oh she must be joking". She wasn't. But My God! I tried to convince myself she was!!!!
Sponsors are human but that kind of lack of judgement so early on just rings alarm bells for me.
I just feel it's maybe a complication you don't need.....as in to be having to even wonder about when payback day may be expected.
These are only my feelings .......you will know in your heart what is right for you.
I just feel pretty annoyed that she put you in that position - even in a jokey way.
I had to move on from the sponsor who I had this issue with, I was pretty upset at what had happened as I had been told that a sponsor wants "no payment"........well mine did biggrin

.......mine constantly wanted her computer sorting out for "free" and maybe yours wants paying in carpets!!!! wink

This ex-sponsor actually asked another sponsee's husband - who was a lawyer to write a free letter for her to a company she was having trouble with........ biggrin

(((Susan))) Listen to your heart ......that will guide you.....

Should you decide to, there are plenty of ways of moving on from a sponsor......
With love and support,
Louisa.
xx

P.S. Even if she said to you "Oh it was a joke and I'm sorry". I just don't know if I would feel accepting or comfortable of that......I just don't know......... confuse

-- Edited by louisa on Thursday 26th of August 2010 05:13:09 AM

susanbiel · Veteran Member

Thanks everyone. No, she was not joking. I did call her back last night before a meeting and after. I simply told her that she is more than welcome to come and look in the dumpster, but that I could not get anything for her.

I think I posted that I was in therapy for all the years that I have been sober. I have also stopped the therapy and started going to meetings at least every other day. My instincts were saying immediately that this was not right. I wil start looking for a different sponsor. I have a hard time with trust and I am very happy that I knew right away that way I am not letting myself get hurt. Even tho I put myself out there all is good!

I went to a great women's meeting last saturday. I can't make it this Sat, but I will the following and see if someone there is willing.

Thanks again everyone. It amazes me that we alcoholics/addicts came come together as we do.

I am very grateful today for the good people of the fellowship. Granteful for my wonderful children and for the wonderful day God has brought us.

Susan B.

Lexie · Senior Member

Great, Susan,

It's nice to have folks we can run a "reality check" with, isn't it? I'm always second-guessing myself and my motives, as in, "am I being overly sensitive here, or is this something I need to do something about?"

Hey, you can put in a good word for her if the cops question her for "dumpster diving"!

Good luck, you will find the right person.

Rainspa · Senior Member

My instincts were saying immediately that this was not right. I wil start looking for a different sponsor. I have a hard time with trust and I am very happy that I knew right away that way I am not letting myself get hurt. Susan B.

OMG! I forgot this part! When I confronted the bad sponsor, Ishe told me that I had "trust issues" and that I needed to work on them, it was a character defect.

My old sponsor told me that I had trusted the new gal with sponsorship of my sobriety and with my property.

Other people behaving badly didn't mean that I had trust issues. It meant that they had honesty issues.

Any time I hear "trust issues" I look long and hard at who is saying that and why.

My .02

susanbiel · Veteran Member

I fully admit I have trust issues smile

I know it and always watch myself. I am getting better with putting myself out there. Progress progress.

Thanks again everyone.

Dumpster diving is very common around here. LOL People need to watch out for carpet blades.. get cut with on of those and your in trouble.

Pablomoses · Senior Member

Wow......lots of good stuff here about trust, honesty and sobriety----where else can you get this sharing?! Thanks God for MIP, it does make my MIP continue when I see and share!!
Watch out for cons, they are out there!!
I'm always careful of people I don't know who act as though we are long lost friends immediately.
RUSH, "can't pretend a stranger is a long awaited friend"........
AA provides fellowship and direction, but always trust your gut.......instincts rule........go with 'em!!

susanbiel · Veteran Member

Pablomoses wrote:

RUSH, "can't pretend a stranger is a long awaited friend"........

I like that!!

Susan B

Just Toni · MIP Old Timer

Hi Susan,

Good to meet you, and after a long time, we all get to understand that there are a lot of cons that use the Program, and look for the vulnerable to do so....but you have some good time in....Personally I loved your last response to her....Look in the Garbage....hahaha made me laugh...

I had three woman from Texas (so I thought) that came to a Saturday morning meeting.....talk about a con job, when it came time for them to share, this woman, who started crying told this story of her and her friend being robbed at a service station late at night, when there was no attendant, they took all their wallets, also, supposedly made a police report....but their problem was there they were stuck in California, and needed just the gas money to get back to Texas.....all three of them were very nicely dressed, had a good sober look to them, and they talk the Program so we felt they were a part of us...

After the meeting most of the woman talked and then left and I was stuck with them, standing there looking sooo scared and freaked out, and so good samanitarium me, thought about what I could do, and decided to offer to loan them 60 for gas to get home. they were SO appreciative, haha, and they followed me to my ATM and gave me all their info, telephone nos. address and names, and said Just as soon as they got back to Texas they would mail the money back.....well to make a long story shorter, they made the whole thing up, not one of them gave me any info that was correct, and I knew then that I had been duped.....so as far as trusting someone you really dont know......I leaned that one really well.

Then there is the DANGER that also is there with these con artists.....when I started going to meeting in Larkspur, CA, I met this woman, who was just like me, brand new, and we both got sponsors, did not know anything about looking for people with QUALITY time, not just time in the Program, well my new friend got a Sponsor and in her first two weeks, her Sponsor conned her into "loaning" her $3000. to help her open up a floral shop.....

And she would not pay my new friend back, her name was Eileen, my friend, she was so devastated and crushed by this, she left the Program, and never ever ever went back, thought that woman, Stacey was/ is her name, probably represented all of AA.

My point being that if someone cons a new vulnerable person, it could be a matter of life or death, and my friend continued drinking for the next 12 years and died a horrible death from Alcohol.....

Those are only two storie, but I could write about 10 more, but it is so important that we look for someone who has what we WANT first, and not rush into Sponsorship...

Both Sponsor and Sponsee must be equally cautious, that's my feeling on the subect...

A Sponsor has one goal to help the new person with the 12 Steps of the AA Program, and be there for them when they need any help with problems, related only to Alcohol.

Good to meet you,

Toni

susanbiel · Veteran Member

Thanks for the stories Toni. It's good to meet you too. I am going to take more care in the next sponsor. This woman that asked for the carpet also texted me today saying she was sick and needed 7-up, also told me about her unemployment being cut down. Wow I might need to get my number changed.

Susan B.

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

Susan B,
Good for you! My sponsor (no horror stories here - he's great) has advised me to be more selfish in my recovery and avoid anyone, even in AA. who could drag me down either accidentally or on purpose. I think you are right to follow your instincts. She is not putting principles before personalities.
I have a feeling that we will get to know you well around these parts. Good. Welcome.

Peace,
Rob

louisa · Senior Member

Rob shared

Good for you! My sponsor (no horror stories here - he's great) has advised me to be more selfish in my recovery and avoid anyone, even in AA. who could drag me down either accidentally or on purpose.

I really like that alot ..... thanks Rob !!

I have had this conversation a few times - some people have barked the "principles before personalities" tradition at me!!!!....somehow inferring I am hard and harsh. But I am not the only person in AA - there are plenty of us to go round and plenty of other folk who get on with the people I do not get on with or I find a "stress" to me. Tolerance has it's limits I feel.

WELL DONE SUSAN !!!!!! aww

Louisa xx

Reffner · Senior Member

louisa wrote:
Tolerance has it's limits I feel.

I totally agree. That's why today, I try my best to practice acceptance. The way I look at it, tolerance is like the little fist in my stomach that gets tighter the more I tolerate someone. Acceptance lets me by-pass the stomach all together and doesn't affect my serenity nearly as much. I think of it like tolerating is letting it go in one ear, and letting it hang out in my head for a little while...bad for Brian. Acceptance, at least for me, is like letting it go in one ear, and pass through without taking hold as it travels right out the other ear. Hard to do, but works better for me when I can practice it.

Brian

louisa · Senior Member

*giggling* I totally agree with you Brian!

I practise acceptance.....er....... from a GREAT distance!!!!! biggrin

Oh THAT is bad Louisa !!! STOP IT!!!!! wink

Toad · Senior Member

Wonderful ------- Wonderful !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

barisax · Senior Member

For sponsors, sponsees, and AAers of all types, it's best to keep in mind our Primary Purpose to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. I have no problem refusing any request that doesn't contribute directly to the primary purpose, regardless of how passionately someone may be able to spin a tale that the requested favor is mandatory or they're going to relapse. Sometimes I think that all AA members need to visit Alanon periodically just for the reminder course about enabling. Sobriety is not conditional.

Barisax

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Wow... a sponsor who wants kickbacks... how about a kick to the door?

That is crazy... I too have folks who are a major irritant to my sobriety... so I do what I can to avoid them... I am not wishing them ill will with their recovery, but their actions do me more harm then good... so I try to stay away...

And Barisax... I do agree with an Alanon meeting every now and then if a CODA meeting ain't around....

John Bradshaw often states that alcoholism is part of the "real disease" - the "disease of the disease" - that the alcoholic will never find peace and serenity until he deals with the shame and their codependency...

Larry_H · MIP Old Timer

Susan,

You can change sponsors. This is allowed and may be best for you. Only you can decide.

If you decide to change sponsors one of our MIP members has an excellent web site devoted to sponsorship.

I would recommend you check out http://rumradio.org/how_to_find_a_sponsor.html
as it has excellent suggestions for finding a good sponsor.

Larry,
------------
A Sponsor is Someone Who Holds the Light While You Dig

susanbiel · Veteran Member

Thanks Larry I will check the site out. smile