I am 20 years old & 63 days sober and this is just something I have been working on for my sponsor, to do with unmanageability & practicing writing down what is on my mind.
"I miss Jon. He was my best friend and he died on the first of October 2008. My drinking (which had always been problematic for me) became truly alcoholic as a result of the bereavement. I missed him so much it hurt my stomach and it hurt to be awake. I would drink one or two bottles of wine a night to dull the pain and send me to sleep. I drank in the daytime and occasionally in the morning. I would shake, throw up (often over myself), cry, scream, insult people and eventually became a compulsive and very embarrassing flirt. I ate until I couldn't move. I became someone I truly did not recognise. Worse, I became someone Jon would not have recognised. He was intelligent - studying economics at university, handsome, witty, caring, gentle and always wanted to help. He was no saint, but I loved him more for it. I loved him from the day I met him - the thirtieth of May 2005 - and I love him still today. I consider myself privileged to have known and loved him. I felt a huge glow of pride at his funeral when his mother said he used to talk about me a lot. I get upset because a lot of his friends did not know how close we were, but I know. I know that we talked nearly every night, and I know that he loved me. Not in the same way I loved him maybe. But I was important to him. My life has always been difficult to manage but when he died it all fell apart. On his 22nd birthday next month, I will raise a glass of orange juice to his memory. He was my life for a while but I owe it to him to create a new life. He wanted me to live. So I will."
Congratulations, now that you are sober and working a program, you can start to love yourself for the very same reasons you loved Jon, and you just may find that very qualities that you loved in Jon is still living inside you.
Thank you for sharing that. I could feel how you would shut out your pain with alcohol....I too did the same thing and your writing helped me realize that. Thank you
First of all welcome to MIP. You will find many caring people here. Please post often. This forum is about sharing our experience, strength and hope with each other. I thank you for sharing yours. Congratulations on 63 days of sobriety, despite your difficult circumstances. May God be with you to strengthen you and give you courage, so that you may be a source of strength to others.
The bald fact is that alcohol is a great "off" switch when you're hurting. Temporarily. But it never works long and you need more and more and eventually it has the hooks in you. Congratulations for taking the first steps, and do your best to connect with your higher power.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Welcome to MIP, LoreleiLee x What a beautiful way you have of expressing yourself & these deeply loving & painful feelings. I empathise with your story & I'm so grateful & glad to know you in person. John's date of passing happens to be my Sobriety day. That means a lot to me. I love what Merlin shared with you..
*Congratulations, now that you are sober and working a program, you can start to love yourself for the very same reasons you loved Jon, and you just may find that very qualities that you loved in Jon is still living inside you.*
This touched me to tears because I know it is true. I can see & know this truth in you already. Like you say you hope for yourself.. You will begin to know & feel this for yourself too. Let us love you until you learn how to love you too from the inside out. All that you saw in your friend John is the beauty you already have in you & that is very much alive & with you today.
You may have allowed John to give you that gift for the short time we had him but now that his spirit is healed & reconciled somewhere in deep peace, it's for you to continue like you have been in finding the love he meant to you all over & through the world starting with you, your relationship with the God of your own understanding & the fellowship of A.A.
I love that you're working hard to achieve this also through the 12 steps. I believe you are succeeding in how you are stopping drinking too. Congratulations in your 2 whole months of sobriety 1Day@aTime!
My new friend & sister, I see so much beauty in you. Your eyes & whenever you speak shares so much I know is going to be helpful to others as you get stronger. You're doing so well & I am proud of you. Thank you for connecting here at MIP & being a part of my physical fellowship in Liverpool, U.K.
I love you, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I started drinking when I was 22 years old, in the Army, and stationed overseas. That's when my problems began, but didn't get worse til I became a civilian in 2001. Been in psych wards in hospitals at least 3 times (2 in Phoenix and the last time here in Prescott). Went to jail for a week on a disorderly charge last year.
