I sometimes wonder if I was screwed even before I was born to and raised by a couple of French Canadian Catholics. I suspect I was a painful birth for my mother. Shes tried to put me down and hurt me all of my life. I was force-fed religion and in an effort to frighten, control and manipulate me she repeatedly told me that God was going to get me and that I was going to hell or labeled me The Prodigal Son As if they owned me... I was a sinner and would be punished. Revenge, the oldest motivation known to mankind. Oh what a joy it was to go to mass on Sunday and listen to some priest speak Latin. Throughout my childhood I often had what I thought were clever ideas about doing things only to be told It wont work or You cant do that. It would seem that Contempt Prior to Investigation is a prevalent character trait within ignorant people. Profound dislike (disdain) of my mother, religious institutions and being told No without an explanation began at a very young age. And I fiercely resented to Prodigal thing too. Well one day I did spread my wings and flew away. All the way to the United States of America where my alcoholism came to life in a big way and culminated in a stroke caused by a Trichloroethylene contaminated water supply at B.F.C Valcartier near Quebec City, Canada. My parents thought they had me but I wasnt down and out and not returning to Canada with them. I suppose I am sharing this because its been on my mind for a while and I figured it had to come out. Maybe its the part about not closing the door on the past which triggered all this. Well, I closed the door and I aint going back. Am I wrong?
French Catholic vs Portugese Catholic...I just have to laugh and at the same time add alcoholic as a tag line. After a while Marc the past became just a rerun of an old move I played a part in and I was able to apply understanding, compassion and love and fairness to the viewing of it. The stuff that owned me I've let go so it isn't any longer an anchor. The stuff I needed to make apologies and amends for I've taken pretty good care of that. I leave the door open to it still be cause it helps me now understand where the newcomer has been and what he/she went thru so I can empathize and be supportive. As a newbie I felt comforted when an oldtimer use to say to me..."I understand what you mean and this is how it happened for me." That mean't I was affirmed and about to be handed solutions.
Both my Pa and Ma's lineages were drenched in alcohol...fact. I've learned alot and it can help others to recover also. Our stories are similar including the Latin part. One of my characteristic which made my recovery slow helped me when I was growing up Catholic...I didn't openly believe everything I heard or was taught. Being Oppositional Defiant had it's perks until I got here and then I had to let it go along with alot of other defects I used to survive my early life. Don't have to be afraid anymore and I don't have to drink either.
Resentment is the number one offender. I had to accept that my parents (especially my mom) was brought up in the Methodist church herself, and that religious belief was not exactly her choice. Based on her sincere belief, the only loving thing she knew to do was to raise me to be a Christian as well. I wanted freedom from what I felt was my parents smothering, but I had to admit that I made a mess of things when I put defiance as my number one goal. Because when spiting my parents was my top priority, I wasn't really free, since I simply did the opposite of what they wanted without making a rational decision. Getting sober allowed me to be my own person and not feel obligated to always do what I thought would please my parents, yet at the same time I came to fully accept that if I had followed my parents' advice on some important things, I could have avoided a lot of pain.
I had to keep an open mind about things, and not say never with regard to having my parents in my life. Things don't have to be all or nothing (either them running my life or being totally out of it). Once I established myself as sober and responsible without being dependent upon them, they felt more OK to let me be me, especially when I showed an interest in their company without it being related to asking for financial assistance.
Thank you both... Don't really know why I posted this. It must have been something which needed to be released into the ether. I feel better already and have no regrets. Feels good to be free.
"Cling to the thought that, in God's hands,the dark past is the greatest possession you have-the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them." B.B. 124.
I wouldn't be too quick to ascribe your parents' motives to mere control. It's possible they really did love and want the best for you, but were just ill-equipped to express it. They may have been products of their own upbringing, and were not shown how important it is to emphasize the wonder, beauty, and love of God rather than only his justice.
I would encourage you not to let your parents' shortcomings and poor understanding of their own faith be a barrier to you investigating and someday embracing that faith on its own merits.
-- Edited by zzworldontheweb on Saturday 14th of August 2010 08:53:25 AM
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
I wouldn't be too quick to ascribe your parents' motives to mere control. It's possible they really did love and want the best for you, but were just ill-equipped to express it. They may have been products of their own upbringing, and were not shown how important it is to emphasize the wonder, beauty, and love of God rather than only his justice.
I would encourage you not to let your parents' shortcomings and poor understanding of their own faith be a barrier to you investigating and someday embracing that faith on its own merits.
-- Edited by zzworldontheweb on Saturday 14th of August 2010 08:53:25 AM
Hi and thank you for your input. It does help. I judge no more severely today than I was judged as a child. I guess these things are learned behaviors. Maybe my parents loved me and maybe not or maybe I was one of those accident type things that happen which they had to reluctantly live with. Unfortunately I do not know the answers to all these questions. There wasn't much honest open communication in their home. Today Father is dead and gone. Mother doesn't wanna' talk about it. That's simply the way it is and there is nothing I can do to change that.
