"Being passive and feeling inferior go hand in hand, and they prepare us for becoming dependent on alcohol. "
My sponsor has taught me that AA is a program of love and tolerance. My question is, for someone who has been passive her whole life, what is the difference between being passive and being tolerant?
In other words, do we have to be a doormat to be tolerant?
To me I think passive comes with held in resentment and tolerance is more understanding. I can be passive when someone explodes and yells at me but underneath Im wishing them a slow death. On the other side I can be tolerant and understand that the person had a bad day or is dealing with something that has nothing to do with me and they might be directing their anger in the wrong way. But I am tolerant because I understand. Just what this alcoholic thinks about that.
I think someone who is passive does nothing to protect their own legitimate boundaries. They ARE doormats--in the face of danger to themselves or others they do nothing to protect themselves.
Tolerance, OTOH, has more to do with "live and let live". It means recognizing other people aren't perfect, and may not act or think or express themselves the way we would prefer that they did. It means letting go of what really isn't our concern.
For me, tolerance means allowing others to be who/what they are, with the same right to make mistakes and be wrong that I have. If I am "tolerant", though, to the point of not speaking up or acting when another person is about to harm me or someone else, then I'm being passive.
Oh I think that you can be passive, tolerant, and take care of yourself all at the same time.
God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the dead bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the butt that I may have to kiss tomorrow!!
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 10th of August 2010 08:45:40 AM
Excellent reading here! Thanks from me too, Lexie. This was/is a very ill-defined border for me, tolerance-vs.-doormat. I tended toward the doormat brand of person. I called myself "tolerating" the worst kind of extramarital behavior for years... and the result never changed my spouse but instead changed ME in destructive ways.
There are things that I should tolerate in others, and in myself, and then there are things I should clearly not put up with nor allow in my life. My failure to recognize which is which places me in a good position to learn about CODA and perhaps get to a meeting or two of theirs at some point.
Thanks for the topic jluv, it certainly helped me today!
__________________
~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
My acoholic behaviour was mostly Passive Aggressive. I exhibited almost every example listed below. Today I try to be tolerant of others. To me tolerance of others does not mean allowing them to be wrong. To me it simply means allowing others to be different.
We may both be wrong for all I know. I have been wrong numerous times. Especially on those occasions when I was absolutely sure that I was right,
Larry, ----------------
Passive Aggressive Behavior, a Form of Covert Abuse By Cathy Meyer, About.com Guide
Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:
Ambiguity: I think of the proverb, "Actions speak louder than words" when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.
Forgetfulness: The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by "forgetting." How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.
Blaming: They are never responsible for their actions. If you aren't to blame then it is something that happened at work, the traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience store. The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults.
Lack of Anger: He/she may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.
Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. "Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn't depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support."
Fear of Intimacy: The passive aggressive often can't trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.
Obstructionism: Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don,t get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.
Victimization: The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly. If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they take offense because; in their mind, it was someone else's fault that they were late. He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.
Procrastination: The passive aggressive person believes that deadlines are for everyone but them. They do things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from them.
For me there is no set, perfect, right answer...it's conditional and mostly conditioned by outcomes and conditions I either plan for or are willing to accept. I am responsible as long as I have an informed choice. For me passivity and tolerance at time overlap; similar conditions, choices and out comes. I want to be aware of their presence and aware of my choice to use or not use either or both. I want the outcome to be as very near the consequence(s) I desire and in any or most cases to find myself in acceptance. Just for me. Much of the time my program characteristic of being patient employs both being passive and being tolerant rather that resorting to being reactive. "God exist in the three seconds between what triggers me and how I react or respond to it." Good thread.
