...as I wrote in another post here recently, I needed to get up last night at a large meeting I was at, and announce 30 days sober again, and get a chip for it.

I did not want to do it. I waffled and beat myself up and ratinalized the whole way there how I had already announced at my home group Friday, and to my close AA friends. I needed to do this though, for the sake of humbling myself. I beat myself up in the car on the way there, and was hem-hawing and creating turmoil in my own mind about whether or not to do it. I was rationalizing that it wouldn't hurt to just sit quietly and listen to the meeting. After all, how embarrassing!! Me, in front of at least 60 AA's, getting a 30 day coin AGAIN????? There were tons and tons of young people there with multiple years sobriety. Many knew I have had multiple years as well. "Why doesn't she just figgin' stay SOBER???" they would all say, in my mind.......

Pride pride pride.....

I gulped, stopped thinking and just DID it. After 15 years of attending AA, with good sober years and struggles in between, this was the hardest thing I have done in a long time. Silly I know, but very hard, and me thinking about it and rationalizing and wanting to "lay low" all the while trying to ignore my conscience was causing me great anxiety.

I did it, and it didn't kill me. What it did do, was place me in a position of a humbled state, not humiliation. I did feel humiliation at first. But that was MY stuff. And I have to get rid of the garbage today by doing the next right thing. In turn, I value this chip more than any other I have gotten. It was a big step forward for me. It is something I do not ever want to have to do again. And I am going to remember how hard it was, and how much easier it is to just STAY sober, now that I am here, every time I reach into my purse and see it.

Thanks for listening.....