I guess what I feel the most guilt/remorse about are the broken promises. Build'em up then Let'em down. I cannot begin to recall the number of times I had sincerely promised her 'Never Again' and proceeded to get drunk shortly after. Kim and I divorced in my first year of sobriety. The marriage was broken beyond repair and ended simply without a fight. Haven't seen or heard from her since so I'm assuming it was what we both wanted/needed. Perhaps the amend in this case was to just Let it be and go in peace. We had no kids so there were no warped lives of blameless children. I think it worked out for the best in the end.
Marc
-- Edited by MarcLacroix on Sunday 8th of August 2010 02:18:54 PM
I'm very lucky that my first husband (sober over 30 years), who is dad to my kids, is still a very good friend.
Since you don't have kids, for both of you to peacefully go on with your own lives is probably for the best. Who knows, maybe she will someday think of you as someone who had the courage to recover if she ever needs that kind of inspiration. I know my ex's recovery, and that of his friends in AA, helped me to come into the rooms, myself, when my own drinking spiralled out of control years later.
Perhaps the amend in this case was to just Let it be and go in peace
Wise words, Marc. It frees you from the past, in time. Opens up the future. Be gentle with yourself. You made the choice to harm neither yourself nor others. Good for you.
It's a journey Marc...the end hasn't come yet. Every day I get another shot at it with myself and someone else. The amends is now I do it sober (altered) and the outcome is more acceptable. I hope they also have made changes and never come close to choosing another "me" again.
This is a program that requires rigorous honesty. My sponsor used to tell me that it is simple. If I want to stop feeling guilty then I should stop doing the things that make me feel guilty. Wow what a simple solution, I had always looked for a different solution and I never found a satisfactory one myself. Following my sponsor's advice however worked great for me.
Larry, -------------- The difference between the problem drinker and the alcoholic is this: a) when the alcohol is taken away from the problem drinker, the problem goes away. b) when the alcohol is taken away from the alcoholic, the problem begins.
I had to let God's love & forgiveness pour through me in prayer & allow acceptance for my mistakes with renewed knowledge & acknowledgement of my daily promise of change to matter more in the power of now.
When I realised I'd forgiven myself in this way I also found peace with a past partner I too have no contact with. My heart ached & dreams haunted til this happened but eventually God did do for me what I couldn't do for myself (I did have to let Him! ;) In loving, peaceful prayer, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Thank you Danielle; I think that perhaps those feelings have become a little bit of worry and/or curiosity when I get a phone call from people looking for her and I have no idea what to say except ' I have no idea where she is or what she is doing'
It appears that I've been avoiding this thread. I too got divorced in my first year of sobriety, but it wasn't sobriety that caused the divide. We were just incompatible, besides our drinking partnership. We needed each other but we needed alcohol more. When I started trying to get sober two years earlier, it shook up the relationship and she began looking for others to drink with. This didn't bother me too much at first, but I wasn't able to stay sober either for more than 2 months at a time, over the course of two years attending meetings. Finally I realized that my best chance for recovery and continuous sobriety would happen if we separated. I held onto the idea that maybe after I got a year we could get back together and we talked about going to counseling the day we split up, but she immediately starting seeing someone. I languished about that for a couple months, then realized that my pain over it had nothing to do with her, as I sent her away. She was only doing what she had to do, given her neediness and trying to replace her drinking buddy. We had a son, who was 2 at the time, so I made arrangements for visitation and said as little as possible to her for about the first 5 years. Her and I have been able to become friends since. My son is 23 now and for the last 5 years any communicating with her is optional. I was able to make amends early on and visa versa.
Acceptance that my marriage was broken beyond repair was one of those things which kept me sober early on. It was a difficult decision but once made there was no turning back. It didn't work out, it's over and I'm still sober!!
