I heard this a few weeks ago and my response was 'when it hurst enough, then I'll stop.'
This is why I'm in this fellowship. My drunken rock bottom was no where near as severe as some peoples and way worse than others - but it hurt enough for me to seek some help.
Now in sobriety I find that I will tolerate huge amounts of emotional pain out of fear of doing the next (hopefully) right thing. This is where I am now.
I last saw my adult children at my mother in law's funeral. There was no emotional connection there, at least from my direction. They looked through me like I wasn't there and I felt nothing for them. I have lived with this pain of the loss for some weeks now, turning it around and around and enjoying in a perverse way how it made me feel. I went and buried myself in work.
Finally I come to the conclusion that I have emotionally detached from them and I've been grieving for this loss for 4 and a half years. But the reality is they don't want me in their lives. There, I've said it.
So I am detaching from their lives. This morning I gathered up all the old photos I have of family holidays (I got to keep all the wonky, out of focus, poorly composed ones) and realised that I'm torturing myself with a past that cannot be repeated, isn't denied and leads nowhere. In the bin they go.
and it hurt like a kick in the balls. It's not petulance, it's not being mardy, it's not even selfish, it's what I needed to do to sever the emotional ties. I had an hour of emotional self flagellation, ten minutes of entertaining thoughts of suicide and then a stark realization - there are people out there who won't see natural daylight, won't breathe fresh air again. People who have had their loved ones torn from them in the blink of an eye, through no fault of their own. People who have harmed their families and never had the chance to make amends or never wanted to.
I remember what a friend in the fellowship told me - by writing to my children I gave them something that so many children don't get - an admission of the wrongs done to them and a heartfelt, unconditional apology.
So I kicked myself up the arse, had a word or three with my HP, talked to some brothers in fellowship and felt better. I am now going fishing.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I remember what a friend in the fellowship told me - by writing to my children I gave them something that so many children don't get - an admission of the wrongs done to them and a heartfelt, unconditional apology.
Bill, as an acoa myself I can only tell you that I have prayed for that from my parents - veering between anger(rage) at never having received it and compassion as in understanding how sick they are. I don't have words for what receiving that from my parents would do for me. There has NEVER been any acknowledgement from them as to their wrongs. For me, I know I must keep the focus on me.........but that doesn't eliminate the pain and the feeling that I was somehow a defective child/daughter.
This AA cherishes both you and the message you carry. With love, Louisa xx
I've always had a hard time coming to grips with the promise that "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it". Acknowledging the reality of the dead, or repressed, or suppressed, or withheld emotional connection that is clearly just not happening, no matter how much I have wanted it to, is an awfully hard thing to do. I swear I spent as much time grieving for the end of grieving as I did grieving. And I bet you (Biker Bill) will actually understand that! LOL
-- Edited by leeu on Saturday 7th of August 2010 11:01:06 AM
That is really living life on life's terms Bill. I give you kudos for your acceptance. That was courageous what you did. I'm sorry you had to go through the pain...I don't know how that feels not having had kids myself, but I imaging it's gutwrenching...You keep putting one foot in front of the other and that is inspiring to me.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Sorry for the losses, Bill, but of course, you're right. You've done what you can, and they have to make their own choices.
Maybe someday they will heal enough so you can have a relationship again, but the only person you can help right now is yourself. Letting go of what we want to have is so very difficult.
Keep the door open and the light on Bill and let your HP take care of the situation...there in lays hope. I've got no reality judgement on where or how my children are in my life at anyone period of time. We are all different. They have theirs and I have mine and I'm not gonna mess with any of it cause "It is what it is." They are all adults and doing the best they can with what they have now and I have mentioned and apologized for and amended those actions of my own which contributed to distance in the past. Today I will participate to the extent of my recovery and don't fall all over myself trying to make anything all better for them. I am true to myself and honest with them when we are together and I will contribute to their lives on a daily basis withing my experience of recovery. Recently I lent my eldest son some money because current financial issues caught up with him. We lent him the money with the hope we get it returned but not the expectation...It is that kind of reality. His eldest son and partner just made my wife and I great-grandparents and we are by standers only. We attend with it and then let it go. They are not within our lives unless we make the choice. Not all are like the eldest ones. My daughter (who was 13 months old when her mom and I split) as for help building 2 dog houses. I got all the facility and had the time and was enjoyed to tell her she is a good worker and aid. I prefab the houses and she will put them together. At lunch we got to share each other with each other and I didn't ask her what her impression of her dad was...I doesn't matter, "To thine own self be true". I won't imagine or assume how she sees the picture of a recovering alcoholic father. I have not been the cause of all of her troubles or her happinesses. Coming back together takes time, faith and open mindedness and heart.
Hope the fishing is good. I need to go do that myself. Thanks.
